I was born when you kissed me. I died when you left me. I lived a few weeks while you loved me.

 

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:: 2010 6 March :: 7.17 pm
:: Mood: cynical
:: Music: Arcade Fire

wtf.
Here I am, fairly confident because all the normal signs are there; keeping an eye on my fb, unintentional compliments, long phone conversations ending with what sounds like a genuine "nice talking to you, as always".

But the trailing conversation regarding Napoleon's crush and what to do about her leading on kept me thinking all the time: what about my situation?

And so I asked the best friend of my object of affection if things look positively for me. Alas! He suggests they do not and he is merely appeasing me via the expected social niceties.

That sort of tears down any idea I had regarding an approach to the situation. Instead of positively, I feel I can only begin with questions whether it is only for politeness sake or if he truly enjoys conversing with me.

I'm in loop thought and can do nothing but lay down. There isn't any place for me anywhere but my bed and no focus behind my eyes to try to read or attend to a movie.

And despite how up in the air the opinion was (how credible is it if Napoleon hasn't spoken to Danny in some time, and certainly not about the same topic), I can't help but feel a shade of hopelessness and concern. There seems to be no place for me in the world as well as my house. What exactly am I doing?

martini?


:: 2010 14 February :: 6.46 pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: Moonlight Sonata

St. L trip to forget.
"And is never failed that during the dry years the people forgot about the rich years, and during the wet years they lost all memory of the dry years. It was always that way."

I've started East of Eden. It's very good thus far (75 pages) and has some wonderful quotes. It isn't anything like the movie (yet).

***



Despite my surprise at Napoleon's willingness to help me, I am too thankful to ruin it by questioning him. He might be helping for Danny's sake...Or maybe to repay me for my non-judgmental help with his somewhat dishonourable task.

Regardless, I am again talking to Danny and he seems excited to talk to me, oddly.

I am not yet brave enough to say anything, which I find strange, since that's the only reason I've ever had a bf.

I don't mind so much, though. I enjoy talking to him so much that it doesn't matter what happens and whatever does, I will allow.

***



I spent the weekend in St. Louis with Jessica for Mardi Gras and her birthday. I thought it would be tons of fun, but honestly, it was sort of not. I arrived Thursday night and we went to the grocery store and then to bed. Friday, we woke up and Jess went to class and I read (East of Eden) and almost as soon as I went to the coffee shop down the street, she called to say she'd be home for a bit for lunch. I then went to lunch with Dan and his friends (who are just as unkempt as him and one smelled like a hobo) and we visited Urban Outfitters. After that, he took me back to Jessica's and we went to the Library restaurant beneath her apt. It was pretty neat and the ribs were good (and free). We then went shopping and Danny called me and J got mad at me for talking on the phone too much, which I suppose was warranted, but I don't feel so badly because she rarely actually listens when I talk, usually focusing on something else (i.e. texting). However, the anger and both of our stubbornness meant we didn't talk for an hour in the car (she insists she win everything and I couldn't let her think she had me under her thumb, so I refused to start the talking). Once we got Mindy from the airport, all resumed. That night, David's (her roommate) friends came in as well and they already had the keg opened by the time we got back to their apartment. None of the three of us were really into partying, so we made cookies and only made a slight appearance at the far-too-busy bars to say hello. We went back and after hanging out a little bit, Eileen and Mike came back screaming at each other. Jessica's attempt to mediate didn't work so well, and Mindy and I just talked while that happened. We finally went to bed around midnight, and about 2.30, the party came back. They were loud enough to wake us up, but also Eileen and Mike, who resumed their fight. So I was up til 3.15.

The alarm went off at 6am the next morning. We all showered and David woke his friend up by blasting music at 7. They cooked eggs and we were supposed to be drinking (beer and hand grenades). It was just too early. Mindy napped and I snacked on Goldfish. We went to Humphrey's (bar) at ten to get free tickets for the shuttle to take us down to Soulard for the parade. Jessica was already too drunk and I'd only had one drink at the apt and another at Humphrey's (for the ticket). Soulard was busy and everyone was excited, but we didn't go to the bar the other kids went to, we (J, Mindy, and I) went to another to pee and get J some water. There, Mindy and I got another drink, though Jess decided she wanted to go home and Mindy never finished hers. We left just as the parade was starting; we walked back to where we got dropped off and hailed a cab. J feel asleep in the car and threw up the moment she got back, then passed out.

Mindy and I made Ramyan and tried to watch a movie, but it didn't work, so we tried to nap. She was successful, but I was woken from half sleep four times by people coming in and screaming, so I gave up. Once J woke up, she curled up in the chair (and I tried to sleep again) and started whining that she couldn't breathe. I told her to lay flat so as to not compress her lungs, but she didn't listen. She called all her friends and told them she was having trouble breathing and so, concerned, they insisted on taking her to the ER. I still believe it was because she got three hours of sleep, ate hardly anything, drank, threw up, and slept alcohol induced and her body was working too hard and stressing itself out. She was fine and just whining a lot. She didn't end up even being checked in, but by the time we got back at 7.30, I was done and ready for bed. So Mindy and I slept while J called Dan, who is apparently fine with her now.

We got up this morning and left for the bus. Jessica was nice enough to buy me McDonald's and I still made the bus. The trip was boring, though I sat next to a nice girl and read a lot.

And now I'm home. It was the second crappiest trip I've ever taken (the first being the one to MN to see Jen, where I was in the ER the first night and she slept the entire second day), the redeeming qualities really being Mindy and talking to Danny.

That's all for now. :)

martini?


:: 2009 30 December :: 5.42 pm
:: Mood: melancholy
:: Music: Zero 7

But if the adversary of all evil
Was courteous, thinking of the high effect
That issue would from him, and who, and what,
To men of intellect unmeet it seems not.

Where am I?





Where am I?





What am I doing?





Nothing.

I am nowhere doing nothing.
Big


empty


sky,


e----------n----------d----------l----------e----------s----------s

____________flat____________________

land,_________________


cliche

tumbleweeds
and

d . u ` . s . ` ' , t . ` ' . . ` ,` ' ... `; ' `;` ` .. ` . : . ` `. . ``



No one around.

Distantly,
perhaps,
a person?





Nay, only a mirage.





Surely people come here several times in their life; they arrive often in intervals, like Miami and the Bahamas witness during spring breaks and summer vacations.

But always alone.

You are always alone.






Maybe I'm growing up. Why am I doing this? I don't know. I just know that I have and I'm only doing it because it seems right. "Would you like to come over?" Yes. But only because it sounds familiar. The experience, however, is alien. The truth is that I could not be more confused.

I need a job; this I know. But where? Hm. I feel useless, for sure.

And why-why is anyone friends with me? I can easily answer this for Campy or Jessica. Drinking buddy or errand buddy. They call so they don't have to do things alone. We're not truly friends, because when it comes down to it, that's all it is. J could care less about my confusion, particularly because she has an "awesome friend group" and "loves [her] friend group soooo much". Bug and Q are their own. All I really serve to either is someone to hang out with in VH, and the occasional art discussion with Bug. Napoleon has been talking badly about me before he left for China, and now comes back and we're friends again???

I admit, this is probably just how I feel. All of this isn't necessarily true. But I've realised that neither Danny nor Maggie has anything to gain from my friendship. And it's awesome when either call me or hang out with me. I couldn't feel happier than after a good discussion with either.

I've narrowed it down to their understanding of life. Danny doesn't need to drink to feel accepted and is perfectly happy doing his own thing. He's happy with what he has and does his best not to complain. Maggie is happy because she makes sure she is happy. She loves her kids and she loves life itself. These are the kind of people with whom I need to surround myself, not petty, picky people who judge and condescend and treat me badly.

So in the interim, what do I do? Read.

I read to not hear about the shop. I read to learn about somewhere else. To escape. But why don't I just get a damn job and leave? I should.

I will have Jessica come over as soon as my g-ma leaves to help me with my cover letters. And I'll call Ruby Tuesday the day after the New Year. Holidays are not good business days for finding jobs.

Maybe I'll call Danny again. I am super afraid of annoying him. I'd really like to keep him around. He's a good person, and a very good friend.


martini?


:: 2009 7 December :: 1.20 am
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: amelie

So long story-short, I've been super careful not to annoy him and he asked why I'm so formal with him.
-.-
So I'm going to call him tmro. I wish I didn't feel like I have to be so silly about this.

martini?


:: 2009 28 November :: 9.14 pm
:: Mood: complacent

I don't really know what to write tonight. I just thought the other day that I should update so I know (later on) what I was thinking about. I want to teach at Santa Maria as an art teacher. I would love to teach and I think it would be easiest to get experience in a subject that isn't required. I just want to do something. Among my list are writing books, one cataloging a complete history of twentieth century pop culture and a series of stories from the lives of people who lived in a time that my generation (and generations after mine) learn about as history. I also want to make knickers. I think they'd be cute as hell with a pair of high-heeled boots.

It's Thanksgiving weekend and I saw Cathy Topor and Jen Castro this weekend. They are both doing well. I realised I know very little about Cathy anymore. Unfortunately, we were separated before we became aware of emotions in any grown-up sense, so we didn't suffer angst the same way at all and know very little about that part of each other's lives.

I wanted to hang out with Danny more than once, but didn't, and he's likely heading back tomorrow morning. I also wished to have spent time with Bug and Q, though they are too busy for me. Most people just didn't answer their phones while they were here, though I saw a lot of people at the mall from high school.

I really miss having people near me and it's worse to know they're near and still be stuck at home. I'm not even feeling sorry for myself. I thought it would be inappropriate to stay home (like I usually do) when people were actually in town. But I've spent most of my time with my parents anyway.

Oh, well. Teaches me not to get excited for things at all.

I need to write a stupid cover letter to get a job. I don't want to work at the shop anymore. I generally don't mind it, but I'd like to get paid every week or every two and not worry about the owner (my dad) trying to pay the bills. Also, it would provide some separation from my mum, which I don't need nearly as much as she does. She's been throwing fits lately about the silliest things. I just don't understand how people get so upset about nothing.

I guess that's it. Good day!

martini?


:: 2009 12 November :: 9.10 am
:: Mood: awake

Another dream:

I had just come out of some show or something with some grandparents, and the group of us were walking down a sidewalk in a small-town downtown, squishing and swerving to avoid sidewalk boards and awning poles. We turned the corner and there was a group of people my age hanging outside a bar (enough to make us go single file) and they shouted that I should join them at a party at one of their houses.

So I went. I spent most of the night observing people and talking. There was someone taking pictures with the host's camera and I recalled some conversations regarding day jobs.

It was later on that we began discussing some crime (maybe a murder?) that occurred and the three suspects. After some time of deliberation, and what seemed (without much dream discussion) that all three people had motives and opportunities equal to the other two, we went to bed, resolving to solve it in the morning.

The TV was on, and one of the people I was discussing it with was sleeping on the chair at the end of the bed. I was laying sprawled out (in real life, too) on my back, with my hands around the pillow. I felt pressure at the side of my left thigh (which no doubt was really my dog), but stayed with my eyes closed, convinced it was the cat.

I felt my arm grabbed, and opened my eyes quickly to one of the suspects on the board. He had had his hair cut since the party and left a tiny triangle tuft at the front of his head, directly center. He looked me in the face and said, "It was me and we're going to watch my Target commercial."

Since my face was looking at the ceiling, I asked if I may turn over. He said, "No" quickly, and continued to watch his commercial. I squirmed a bit....and then woke up.

martini?


:: 2009 27 October :: 2.17 am
:: Music: tommib help buss

i tried to keep this crush at bay, knowing it was silly from before it's existance, but i'm out of control now. silly, silly me.

martini?


:: 2009 29 September :: 10.47 am
:: Mood: content
:: Music: broken social scene

dreams
I already typed this last night, but for some reason it wouldn't send.

I'm very glad I kept this journal; I can go back and laugh at fourteen-year-old self when I'm thirty.

I had a dream the other night that woke me up at four and kept me awake for an hour at least. It featured three kids who'd decided to commit suicide in a public pool. Their ages were three, six, and seven, two boys and a girl, respectively. The youngest went first, simply laying face down in the pool; the eldest second, by tying a brick to her foot. I don't recall the third. The images are really just a succession, and my brain filled in the gaps.

Three kids in the center of the pool. The two older are looking at the youngest.
The youngest lays face down. He doesn't struggle, but his siblings wait for him to die.
The middle boy treads water, looking at the blur that is his sister underwater.
One boy face up, one face down, and a shadow of peach beneath the cyan water, while a crowd looks on.
The newspaper, black and white image of the same, with some headline regarding it's outrageousness.

I had no emotional connection to the children, and only watched them die. The newspaper article struck the memory, but only that. Still no emotion. I have no idea what it all means.

Danny said it could be like Freud said, "sometimes a cigar is just a cigar". But then, I should be in either an institution or a prison, particularly because this is not the first time I've dreamed like this.

martini?


:: 2009 11 June :: 1.30 am
:: Mood: busy
:: Music: Strokes-"Razorblade"

Dream
The other night I had a weird dream. I'm surprised I still remember it, except it was vivid and it seemed like the most important thing in the world.

A rabbit was in the back of his cage, not moving. He was dying or dead and losing hair. Soon he was joined by two other rabbits, just magically, not let in or anything. One of them was completely disinterested in the sick rabbit, but the other began to lick or nibble on him. The sick rabbit began to disintegrate, almost melt, down to bone and bits of fur. He became hollow and even lost his eyeballs. I nudged the licking bunny away, and a short time later (dream lapse time), the sick bunny started to reanimate. He became well and in a following conversation, I prided myself on my interference as though it was nothing but him being out of food for a day.

I have no idea what it means, so I thought I'd look it up.

Rabbits
To see a rabbit in your dream, signifies luck, magical power, and success. You have a positive outlook on life. Alternatively, rabbits symbolize abundance, warmth, fertility and sexual activity. The dream can also be associated with Easter time and your own personal memories of Easter.

To see a white rabbit in your dream, symbolizes faithfulness in love.


I don't remember it being white, but maybe? Or maybe my sexual activity is gone and I need someone to nudge away the acid?

Skeleton

To see a skeleton in your dream, represents something that is not fully developed. You may still in be the planning stages of some situation or project. Alternatively, a skeleton suggests that you need to get to the bottom of some matter. The dream may also be a metaphor for skeletons in your closet. Do you have something to hide?

To see someone depicted as a skeleton, signifies that your relationship with them is long dead.


Well, that just confuses things.

There was another dream that accompanied it, but I no longer remember it.


In other news, I have so much work to do and should not be wasting time on this business. I have to finish sewing the whole of one costume by tmro, another by Monday, and complete the lining and alterations of a third by Tuesday.

Then, I have a big project due Wednesday for my film class and I've barely begun my research on Fritz Lang.

Then next week, I'm supposed to meet with Geopolis with my research on 1960's Japanese literature.
Also, I need to meet with Melanie and Stefin to help with Alice in Wonderland for Jackalope Theatre.

Assuming this lasts long enough, I'll look back and think that I was doing really well for myself, but only one show is paid. :/

That said, back to it. Also, my film class including a showing of Dali and Bunuel's Un Chein Andalou, which has surrealistic images and pointless intertitles. I imagine I'll be dreaming in intertitles for the next week. I think my rabbit dream was influenced by the Agit Prop from last week.

martini?


:: 2009 18 April :: 8.44 pm
:: Mood: happy

Boy, has life taken an interesting turn of events.

I was concerned i was not going to graduate, which i am now sure i will.

I am not a wallowing, lonely girl anymore. I accepted that i am too poor for a boyfriend and i need to get my life together before i can get one.

then i did. sort of. i think. maybe.

regardless, he made my night and morning super awesome.

i couldn't be happier right now, i think.

if i could, i welcome it. but i know that frequently brings horror. I am focusing on not allowing stress to get to me. it barely bothers me when i'm late to class and i don't care what people at school think of me anymore. it helps.

i was right to think about how i felt in hs. while i am more grown up, it's good to revert to the making yourself happy by doing things you want to do. i like to go to museums and to the lake and read books and trust me. doing those things rocks. by myself. and grocery shopping! yay!

so long story short: i am happy and it's awesome.

martini?


:: 2009 12 April :: 3.49 am

Gently distributed tenderness just melts me.

martini?


:: 2009 16 February :: 6.36 pm
:: Mood: distressed
:: Music: The Funky Lowlives

stupid me.
I should not ever be allowed to drink.

actually, i should not be allowed to be alone, really.

i'm supposed to be working on my CAD project, but i can't focus.

i need a job. badly. i'm poor. and hungry.

martini?


:: 2009 26 January :: 1.36 am

my heart is heavy and my head is spinning.

martini?


:: 2009 22 January :: 11.42 pm
:: Mood: inspired
:: Music: craig ferguson

There is not much danger that real talent or goodness will be overlooked long, and the great charm of all power is modesty.
i am sure of very little.

and who is sure of the future?

but there are some times that you are convinced one way or the other of certain things.

i am certain that some of my current friends are brilliant and talented and motivated enough to not only do what they enjoy, but to make money and perhaps fame from it.

reading stunkel's plays insist on this.
patrice's photos put forward yet another possibility.
and ryan's cooking does well enough for a city, in the least.

those are close friends; but there are also acquaintances who're the same. i believe melanie berner and zac togami will also find high success.

i only hope they'll let me freeload...

martini?


:: 2009 17 January :: 10.17 pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: ABC news weather

eyex
I'm in a funky position.

I usually have enough confidence and gall to ask someone out or tell them that I have fallen for them. This time, however, I'm struggling due to the fact that he contemplates every word used even more than I do. I can't say, "I have a crush on you" or "I like you" because both sound temporary and childish and not worth anyones time. Things have been suggested, such as "intrigued," though unless I intend to take a class or read a book on him, that's a silly one. Also suggested was, "I am mentally, emotionally, and sexually stimulated by you," but good god, that sounds desperate and somewhat obsessive, which brings me to "infatuated" which really just sounds like I should be in a hospital or have a restraining order against me. soo...i've gotten no where on that. I even thought about telling him that I've looked all this up and still can't decide and so just holding his hand is the best I can do...but I was thinking a cute way, like a crossword, but if I did something cute, it would be hard to say no, and it's important that he decides based on what he needs because I am perfectly fine without someone and can wait.

The other problem is response because reaction is one thing, response is another. I am afraid he will respond to my needs, not his, as stated. I am fine being friends, but it's something I need to know. It drives me crazy. (btw, I've just read some past entries and this happens a lot. I get easily frustrated by the fact that I don't know and the person who does won't tell me.)

I'm not completely convinced he doesn't have the same idea in his head about me though. Little things, like his eyes lingering for a moment longer than required (possibly in my head) or reading the book and watching the movies i lent him in place of reading the book of which he was already in the middle and spending three nights at my house in two weeks, not to mention the fact that Jess and Yasi are doing their best to convince me of this as well.

It bothers me because I can't escape the idea of marriage. This isn't something that happens often, and when it does, it does not include a particular person. I don't like that and it possibly deters me more from saying anything. Not that we wouldn't get on well-we already do crosswords and cook and play in the snow together...shut up. That's stupid. This is not ok.

ANYWAY school is nearly set. I've made some arrangements with the assistance of my barely-willing teachers to replace some classes and force my way into others. The remainder will get figured out, i suppose. Then, hopefully, I graduate! YAY! No more Columbia!!!

But then, I need a job. DOOOOOOOOM! So wish me luck on that.....

martini?


:: 2008 28 April :: 1.58 pm

so, i've lost faith in humanity. and men. and teachers.

adults are no more intelligent than kids. in fact, less so. and they think they know everything, which makes it worse.

it's always nice, too, when people lie to you. or when they use you. or when they cheat on their gfs.

oh, hospitals are also very fun places. spend time there. you'll love the smell of your clothes when you leave. also, keeping things from people because they're sick is a good way to handle things. now you know.

being behind in school is also a grade A way to handle things. just let it not happen all day, and it won't get done tmro either.

I'm such a fantastic person.
can i just die now?

1 three drinks behind | martini?


:: 2008 24 April :: 6.10 pm

it has upset me for the very last time.

being told that i am too creative will never end, but i've realised that it's okay.

for one, the greatest artists in history have gone against the grain and were rejected for it.

examples:

Pablo Picasso

Jacques Louis David

Theodore Gericault

Alfred Jarry

Benjamin Franklin (though not a fine artist, a rejector nonetheless)

i don't pretend to be nearly as great as any of these people, and though there are failures among the greats, i will find something else to do if i fail.

For instance, my teacher does not have her name in lights, nor won an academy award. She is a teacher at columbia college. and she has to steal shows from seniors when she wants to do them, because she is no great human, even in chicago.

besides this, i refuse to misrepresent myself as an artist. i have been told to never lie and never to give the impression that i can do something i cannot. so why would my portfolio, as she says, present me in that way.

so for portfolio day, i will copy pictures of statues and old photographs. i will take tracing paper and trace them all, leaving the photocopied images in behind them. i will present them for my A, and not allow her to see my portfolio.

if she fails me, i will go to the dean and protest my failing the class based on too much creativity.

after all, i chose a school with the motto, "CREATE CHANGE".

if only this was practiced...:/

martini?


:: 2008 17 April :: 12.02 am

i have issues with being a tree in a parking lot.

all the other trees get to hand out together on the side, but i have a slab of asphalt in my way.

:/

1 three drinks behind | martini?


:: 2008 4 April :: 1.09 pm

anyone


have


any idea


where


i'm


GOING?


???

martini?


:: 2008 3 April :: 3.31 pm













mosquito

lives off host

is hated by host

serves no purpose to host

moves onto another host when slapped at.


jorie

lives off friends

is hated by friends

serves no purpose to friends

is rejected.




martini?


:: 2008 25 March :: 8.52 pm
:: Mood: busy/annoyed/gloomy/tired
:: Music: the tv that is now back on.

i hope that, for everyone, not just myself, a lot of bad things happening at once is like taking bad tasting medicine all at once instead of three times a day. I hope that it'll be easier later when everyone else has it. It's all a little too much to keep up with, though.

1 three drinks behind | martini?


:: 2008 17 January :: 10.37 pm

So I'm only writing in here so much cuz I seem to be missing friends, but mainly a roommate who I can just spew thoughts to.

I'm excited about this show, Scorched, because he wants something big and unrealistic, and we have an awesome budget for it. I'm worried that, like all the things I get super excited about, it's going to fall short or something will be retracted and I'll end up disappointed...again.

I'm pretty sick of that happening, actually. I don't mind going day to day with nothing exciting, though I'd probably whine there was nothing interesting. But it would be nice if the things that excite me so much that I tell everyone I see did not fall through so when they ask how it went, I don't have to embarressingly admit that it acutally didn't happen at all.

I can finally pay for school, so I can finally register this week, thank god.

1 three drinks behind | martini?


:: 2008 8 January :: 1.08 pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: The Dryer

I don't know what i'm doing. i might not go to school next semester because of money and that means no lasers like i promised faith and no shows like i said i'd work on. i also can't pay rent. i hate myself for that. and also for doing whatever it is that i did wrong. i shouldn't be this affected, logically, being only a week, but it still stings to the point where i'm doing anything to avoid thinking about it. i've watched more movies the last three days than i have in all of the semester put together. it's easier.

martini?


:: 2007 15 December :: 11.39 pm
:: Mood: disappointed
:: Music: the refrigerator

::edit:: whenever i make plans period, they fall apart.

and then i'm disappointed...big surprise.

martini?


:: 2007 9 December :: 12.52 am

It has been forever since I've written in here.

For everyone else, too, I checked.

I just need to vent about boys, I guess. It's easier to have my mind on that than the fact that I'll probably fail all my classes.

Why is it when I am bold enough to make plans with guys I'm interested in, they blow up at me? And why do I keep falling for everyone?

First was Whit in the summer from Redmoon.
Then it was sort of Mark
Then sort of Charlie
and now Axel (Frank) for sure.

Couldn't tell you why. But it'd be nice to actually have something come out of it.

A relationship, maybe.

It's probably the thing I need most right now. Despite how close Faith and I are, I know she'll find someone more interesting to spend all her time with and then I'll be searching for someone to grasp onto, just like always.

I know why Frank is the new one. He's playful. I miss having someone to play with. We got in a snow fight on Wednesday and he's always teasing and it's fun. I miss that.

Maybe an update later. I'm super behind in EVERYTHING!

1 three drinks behind | martini?


:: 2007 15 March :: 12.10 am
:: Mood: angryannoyedbusyconfuseddepresseddistressedexhaust
:: Music: edjealousmelancholyrestlessrushedscaredshockedsleepystressed

JustEverything
You know that famous scene of I Love Lucy where she's working the chocolate factory and everything's going okay, but it quickly gets out of hand and the women start to do everything they can to get rid of the chocolates they can't wrap?

That's pretty much how I feel. Like everything's going alright, but it's going too fast for me to handle and I don't know how to take it. Everyday it seems like there's something new that needs a deep breath, but I just try to keep taking it.

Like my speech: Easy and slow does it...I get through most of it. I realise I've messed up. I start thinking. How can I fix it? They won't know why he's said that. Just continue. Oh, gosh, where was I? Keep talking. You know what you're saying. I can't breathe. Talk. Can't breathe. Words. ::Gasp:: Line. ::Gasp:: "Omg, I'msosorry, I'mkindahavingapanicattack." ::sob:: ::run::

It's like that. I want to dunk my head underwater and study the sandy bottom of a pool. Or sit on a wall, feel the wind, read all day, and forget everything else. Or go home and take a long, hot bath and watch a movie before going to bed.

I can't though.

No time. Luckily, Patrice and I are getting along which makes life so much easier. Because she and Ryan talk to me and make living here and being frantic bareable. And they're fun when we actually get to hang out. I just missing having more time to do it.

Mushroom came today. We hadn't talked since winter break. Then yesterday, he texted me, pretty insistant that we get together. Which is weird. He wondered why I didn't call him to tell him stuff. But why would I call someone who's mad at me? And suddenly, because of my family issues, all friend issues with him are forgiven, healed, and sealed? I questioned him on it, and though it doesn't make any sense, that's definatly what he said. It's unnerving and I don't agree with it. It's like in movies when the popular, dreamy guy asks out the nerdalicious chick, there's always a bet or a catch of some sort.

Then there's Kristen with whom I am also having issues. I just feel rejected. And I understand that she's still in high school. But that means it's going to be worse when she moves away to Indiana. I just hate the fact that I feel like I have three family members (Patrice, Ryan, Tyler), a boyfriend and one friend. Other than my mum and dad, she's the only reason I go home and the only reason I actually spend any amount of time there. We have all the same shit and better in Chicago. So it's actually her I want to see, not VH.

Bill's good though. He's a positive in my life, mostly. He's such a sweetheart. He really cares for me. Which is also mostly good. Because I know I dont feel exactly the same. I definatly care for him, but not the way he does for me. He's fantastic to whine to, but that's all I do, as far as I can tell. I think that's annoying though, but he's not much of a conversationalist. I don't know. It's nice to have a companion, but I almost feel that he's not exactly going to be the right kind. Right now, like I said, it's nice to have a companion like that, someone that'll hold me and stuff. It's comfortable, which is a horrible reason to have a boyfriend and most of the reason I didn't want one. It's all very selfish reasons, not simply because I like the guy.

I like my job, too. The new one. I still have to quit the chocolate place. I'm going in tomorrow to quit and try to get the shift for tomorrow covered. Wish me luck. I don't know what to say.

I'm trying to pick a mood with which to head this. It's tough. I'll just type a bunch because there are so many things that I'm feeling.

martini?


:: 2007 9 January :: 11.42 pm

i feel like im fucking up life so much right now. im negative 100 dollars in my account and i have a ticket to pay and five parking tickets (ive had really really bad luck lately) and now im not going to be able to pay rent. this fucks me up soooo much.

martini?


:: 2006 18 November :: 1.20 am
:: Mood: contemplative

I'm at a strange point i never thought i'd find myself at...i could easily find myself in a relationship in a week. i could also easily find myself in temporary consolation with a few guys. logically, one says, the relationship. but i've weighed the circumstances. i'd be hindered to a certain extent...rather than doing what i want when i want. i kinda like going out to dinner or lunch with whomever asks and not worrying about who's going to care.

on the other hand, it'd be nice to have someone who i can always call and they're prepared to come see me. but that also means that i'd have to be the same way...or that they may be over too much...::cringe:: i dont know what i want right now and i really dont want to drag anyone into my life without really caring for them.

i somewhat feel like a whore, as well as like im walking away from something that i need...but i dont know waht i need or want right now...just that im having fun in my classes and making anything i care to make. it's nice...

martini?


:: 2006 18 August :: 10.03 pm

im finally home from work.

i spent an awesome week in the city. patrice and i both got jobs; mine is at columbia and hers is at coldstone. we ate at some restaurants, walked on some streets, spent loads of money, went grocery shopping. we unpacked a lot, and patrice has endless clothes.

i went to columbia today to sign a paper at ten am, then hurried to make the ten thirty metra to north glenview, which i did.
except i got on the west line...not the north. so i had to turn around, wait thirty minutes for the eastbound train, run off that train to catch the northbound and i finally made it to north glenview, and then to yardhouse, forty minutes late. but work wasnt too bad. i coloured mostly.

afterwards, i called a bunch of friends and my family. no one could come pick me up. none of my friends answered, and my brother was going out, and my parents were both too intoxicated. isn't that fun?
my brother didnt even leave until i got home anyway...and i had to have katie, who was planning to head twenty minutes the opposite direction, drive me home.

so needless to say, im a little perturbed.

however, my paycheck is $402.80, the most i've ever made on one paycheck. and it's most of my rent.

also, my new job pays $7.75/hr, and has a steady 20 hrs a week. that makes $155 a week, $620 a month, minus taxes, but it's still good for rent. heck yes! plus, i'm planning on aquiring another job for the weekends... :-D

martini?


:: 2006 25 July :: 12.58 am

im sorry i threw a fit tonight.


i didnt want to.


i wish that people would understand that when im upset, i should be left alone, because otherwise, i get more upset.


::sitting by self::


"what's the matter?"


"i'm fine." leave me alone


"no, you arent." i wont be if you dont leave me alone.


"dont worry about it."


"well, im going to." then im going to start crying soon.


"please dont."


"i do. im your friend." funny, now you are? you were so excited to see me and then didnt talk to me all night and now that im upset, you're my friend?


wow. that's great. i have great friends. ones who always stick up for me when im in trouble...they're really great at pulling me out of the mud.


and yes, i know how accessible this is and yes, im doing it on purpose.


this is why i hate doing anything with "couples". not because im lonely but becuase you pay attention to no one but yourselves. you might as well go nowhere with anyone else and drown in each other.


so that's really it. im sick of work. im sick of everyone here. i cant stand home, watching my mum deteriorate. im ready to leave.


so goodnight. i'll do something that i actually want to do in the morning. like the fact that tonight, i wanted to go to Ra with coworkers...like i do every sunday. but i didnt because i was asked to do something else, something with people i was told really wanted to see me.


what a fucking lie.

1 three drinks behind | martini?

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