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michellestar (profile) wrote,
on 10-18-2010 at 10:12pm
Subject: last
To my readers:

There's a reason I haven't been writing. I cannot talk about it here. But I realized this gave me the opportunity to do what I knew would have to be done someday. Say goodbye.

But first, thank you. Thank you for listening to my words through your pixels. Thank you for coming along, whatever your reason, whoever you are. Thank you for watching my mystery unravel.

It's hard for me. To let this go. Seven years of my life are in these pages. A documented path from student to scientist. I'm not leaving because there's nothing to say, rather the opposite is true. There's so much that got left out from this summer, all those months I wasn't writing. A huge chunk of this is missing because of it, but that's the way it goes.

It wasn't always this way. Woohu was a community once. I thought of it more of a message board for my dorm and the group of friends I congealed with freshman year. One by one they left here, but I made a conscious decision to stay. Not for any particular reason, other than this became home. And I began to realize that all along, this journal, the memories buried in these pages, had been for me. To see growth flowing through words, representing actions, representing faith in myself.

And this became my memoir. My memoir of everything I lost and all that I gained. My winding road from those terrifying early moments in chemistry freshman year to a full-fledged forensic scientist in the NYPD. From being horrified to speak in front of room of classmates to testifying in courts of law to a jury of strangers. From bemoaning biochemical pathways and stoichiometry to analyzing mass spectral evidence.

When this journal began I was 18 years old. I was a wide-eyed freshman in college surrounded by strangers who would eventually become friends. I was dating a British boy back home, saw my parents every month or so, and thought I was going to become a biochemist. My first entry was made in playful angst as I fidgeted with my new life.

As this journal ends, I am 25 years old. A girl standing on her own two feet looking back and knowing how she got here, in large part to this very place where she could watch it unfold. This place took my experiences, often too close for me to see clearly, and let me take a step back and examine them to see them for what they were. Seven years later, I have a domestic partnership, a new group of friends, and a career in forensics. And my last entry is not in angst, but rather in wonder. This is to have succeeded. To end better than I began.

I didn't write everything here. There are a lot of things that happened to me, or I happened to them, that will never grace these pages. But what's here is my truth nonetheless. What's here was for me, and that makes it real.

I am not done writing forever. This has become ingrained in me and I had to make a conscious effort not to do it. Not because I have some sort of fantastic life that the internet needs to know about, but because life is something worth documenting even if just for myself. I will be found elsewhere, when I'm ready.

I am going to open back up a few of my last entries to give a sense of where I left off. These last two years had more loss, in the sense of people, than I have dealt with in the rest of my life combined. My life has undoubtedly changed because of it.

But in the end, thank you to the friends in Michigan, friends in New York, Jason, family members, a few coworkers, and a handful of strangers who read this. Thank you for finding this interesting enough to even have read it just once. Thank you for embracing yet another cell floating in the endless sea.

October 18th 2003 - October 18th 2010

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10-19-10 10:19am

I see why you waited to write this one Michelle. Your posts over the past 7 years (wow did time fly!) were always entertaining, enlightening, and just a lot of fun to read. You should be extremely proud of what you've become - your story is inspirational and shows both how interesting life's paths are as well as what you can become when you find your passion and dive head-first into it. Thanks for keeping this going as long as you did!

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Re: , 10-19-10 5:29pm

Steve, you were one of my favorite readers. :) It means a lot that you were the first friend I made at WMU (Engineering Campus, what!) and here you are at the end. Your support and nice comments over the years kept me going and brought smiles to my day. Thank you for taking the time out of your busy printing, flying, and traveling life to read this. I still read your flight blog, but usually don't know what the heck you're talking about so I just look at the pretty pictures. ;)

You've got yourself quite a bit of followers over there, so here's to many more blogging years to you, Mr. Steve. :)

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Re: Re: , 10-19-10 5:37pm

And so, in a serendipitously fitting way, it should be noted here that your blog was where I first looked for inspiration when I started mine 2.5 years ago. I even pilfered your code to embed the fixed background image! Maybe you should comment and ask questions so that one day you'll know what the heck I'm talking about... :)

Go (Parkview) Broncos!

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10-21-10 11:37am

I miss you already.

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Re: , 10-21-10 3:50pm

At least we have FB, speaking of which, I am expecting you to upload TONS of wedding pics Mrs. Nick. And possibly a video. Of you being cute. And/or matrimonial drunkenness.

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10-24-10 8:29am

I've really enjoyed getting to know you and seeking comfort in your journal. Sometimes, i was even able to live viacariously through you since I've yet to make the big step of moving halfway across the country to pursue my dreams. You're the only reason I still check woohu. I hope there's some other way we can remain in contact! Good luck with everything and thank you for being a friend.

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Re: , 10-24-10 12:44pm

Thank you so much, it means a lot that you read this even though we were strangers. I always enjoyed your entries and you reminded me of myself sometimes. Don't worry about your dreams, I know you're strong enough to find them. I watched you go through some things that I am not strong enough to do. You have it in you. Best of everything to you, dear.

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