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|arrivistemerkaba (profile) wrote, |
on 5-27-2011 at 3:03pm
|Current mood: exhausted
Subject: Fuck 2.0
|It is raining SO HARD OUT THERE UUUUUUF!!!
I want to be out walking in it but I just got here. :<
Yesterday just sort of got worse and worse from the moment I woke up, and hasn't really gotten better. Well, no I guess that isn't true, Ben is being nice to be again and I don't feel like I'm going to faint anymore. Small improvements, but I guess that is what people are supposed to be greatful for.
I am so tired of mixed signals.
I can't believe it's almost been two months... -sigh- I need to make some more doctor's appointments. I feel like time hasn't moved an inch. Like I can still wake up next to him and kiss his lips and explain that I'm not sick anymore and we can do anything we want. I can't though.
Grandma and everyone else is blaming Joe for my hightened depression and my S.A.D.s... I get so mad. It wasn't him, it's my fault. I should never have moved to Emmett, I should have just sacrificed to get Joe to move to Boise with me. I honestly believe that if I had managed that I would have never gotten so hard to handle for him, I would have never fallen so far. We would still be together...
I keep getting pressured for dates from various male friends. I am alienating them because I can't stand it. It's filthy. No matter how much I tell myself that Joe and I are done just the idea of going to dinner with someone else feels like a betrayal.
I love him so much.
I hate this.
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Please let them be angry at me, I am to blame for all of this, I took everything and gave so little back when i could have done so much more. If there is anyone to blame, it is me.Though reading this i am glad i'm not the only one dreaming about it. Please don't get angry at your family, what they are doing is right.
Re: , 05-27-11 6:30pm
I'm not going to let them put all the blame on you, that is incredibly unrealistic. I have to live with my poor decisions just as much as you do.
then just kill yourself he already moved on if he loves you he would come back but he never will duh so give up you dumb bitch!!!!!!