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arrivistemerkaba (profile) wrote,
on 5-27-2011 at 3:03pm
Current mood: exhausted
Subject: Fuck 2.0
I want to be out walking in it but I just got here. :<

Yesterday just sort of got worse and worse from the moment I woke up, and hasn't really gotten better. Well, no I guess that isn't true, Ben is being nice to be again and I don't feel like I'm going to faint anymore. Small improvements, but I guess that is what people are supposed to be greatful for.

I am so tired of mixed signals.
I can't believe it's almost been two months... -sigh- I need to make some more doctor's appointments. I feel like time hasn't moved an inch. Like I can still wake up next to him and kiss his lips and explain that I'm not sick anymore and we can do anything we want. I can't though.

Grandma and everyone else is blaming Joe for my hightened depression and my S.A.D.s... I get so mad. It wasn't him, it's my fault. I should never have moved to Emmett, I should have just sacrificed to get Joe to move to Boise with me. I honestly believe that if I had managed that I would have never gotten so hard to handle for him, I would have never fallen so far. We would still be together...

I keep getting pressured for dates from various male friends. I am alienating them because I can't stand it. It's filthy. No matter how much I tell myself that Joe and I are done just the idea of going to dinner with someone else feels like a betrayal.
I love him so much.

I hate this.
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05-27-11 6:02pm

Please let them be angry at me, I am to blame for all of this, I took everything and gave so little back when i could have done so much more. If there is anyone to blame, it is me.Though reading this i am glad i'm not the only one dreaming about it. Please don't get angry at your family, what they are doing is right.

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Re: , 05-27-11 6:30pm

I'm not going to let them put all the blame on you, that is incredibly unrealistic. I have to live with my poor decisions just as much as you do.

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06-04-11 4:50pm

then just kill yourself he already moved on if he loves you he would come back but he never will duh so give up you dumb bitch!!!!!!

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