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rayray (profile) wrote,
on 1-17-2012 at 3:02pm
I have been trying to find a way to vent without feeling guilty and like a total bitch when I am done. I think I have finally realized that it's not possible for me to do that, and I guess I don't really care too much about those feelings anymore. I will have to deal with them.

I have been struggling to have some kind of civil relationship with Mike's daughter for the last 4ish years. One day, she just decided she didn't want to listen to me anymore, and felt that I can't tell her what to do or anything. At first it caused Mike and I to argue, a lot. He thought I was being mean, or that I didn't know what I was talking about. It took awhile for him to finally see that she really doesn't listen to me, and completely ignores my existence. I thought it was getting better, but I was wrong. Now, she absolutely hates me. She won't admit it to me, or Mike, but we all know. I am not trying to be her parent, because I know she doesn't want me to. But I am not going to sit back and watch her let her grades fall, or see her curse like a sailor on Facebook. So I say stuff to her about it. I am not mean about it, but I am direct, and I come off as a concerned elder, not a parent. However, she see's it differently, and completely disrespects me. The other day, I finally had enough, and I ratted her out to her dad. Because of course she deleted the conversation on her status, so that I didn't have any proof. It really got to me, that she was that disrespectful to me. Well Mike was instantly pissed about it, and let her have it. He took my side and told her that she needed to respect me. A lot of things were said in their conversation. But summary version, I am a bitch and I act like a two year old, and don't deserve respect. And Mike told her not to ask for another damn thing until she learns to respect me, and apologizes.. Now, she won't talk to him. He tells her every night before he starts work, "Good night, I love you". (He sends her and I a text every night telling us that). And she won't respond, if she does, all she says is "night".

I feel horrible that their relationship is shitty. I feel like it's my fault, but at the same time I am happy because they need to learn that he needs to have the upper hand and discipline her, and that she can't get away with everything. I also feel bad, because Reagan loves her, and because she is mad at us, she won't come over for at least a month.. So Reagan is suffering because of that. I want to say something to her, but I don't know how to do it without making things worse..
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01-17-12 10:11pm

God, you are really stuck between a rock and a hard place. I really feel for you, because I've been both the perpetrator and now the stepmonster. I hated my stepmom... In fact, I'm still not fond of her, but she made it very difficult to like her. BUT, that aside, it definitely hindered my relationship with my dad and my step siblings. Luckily I didn't have a little half sister or brother that suffered because of our poor relationship. I would hope that if that had been the case maybe my parents would have banded together to force me to deal with it. At the end of the day she needs to realize that her relationship with her family members (like them or not) is not optional until she is of legal age to make such choices. If it weren't for the fact that it was unsafe for me to be in the presence of my stepmother at times (due to her alcoholism) I think my mom would have forced the issue. Maybe Mike should enforce his parenting time? Just throwing out an idea. I'm really sorry to hear that. You could also try to reach out to her and ask her to be adult beyond her years and try to put her little sister before her current dislike of you and Mike. And just mention to her that even if she doesn't want to socialize with you guys while she's over (even though you'd like her to), that you, Mike and Reagan would really appreciate it if she would come over to see Reagan. Guilt if necessary.

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Re: , 01-17-12 10:27pm

I have spent the last few years trying to talk things out with her. Everytime her and I would argue, I would make sure that afterwards we talked it out, so that she understood that I still cared even though I was upset. I want her to understand that even though someone is upset with you, it doesn't mean they don't care any less about you. But she shuts down the moment I talk to her, and it doesn't even matter what it is about anymore. And she intentionally does things to make me mad, because she claims I am unable to please, and she is just done trying. I'm just extremely frustrated with the whole situation. There is no solution, and I want to give up. However, I still have a small piece of me that believes one day, we will be a happy family.

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Re: Re: , 01-18-12 8:48am

You may never have a story book family. I had to come to terms with that for my own situation a long time ago. But that definitely doesn't mean you should stop trying. It gets more and more difficult the older she gets, but one day, probably when she's in her 20s she'll realize that you weren't so bad. I know it's a long time to wait, but in the end, she is still a child. She doesn't realize much that doesn't solely concern herself right now. I'm sorry you have to put up with it, but it is kind of what you signed on for to be with Mike. So if there is no answer, cope for the time being and look at the larger picture... That's kind of all I've got. =/

But I will say this... Being the stepchild sucks badly enough even without a new baby added to the equation. My dad started taking better care of Cheryl's kids than me, so I had a lot of bitterness and resentment toward them as well as the adults. I guess what I'm saying is I hope that she doesn't feel like I did. Because that added a lot of hatred to my young heart. Now I'm desperately trying to not make Jacob feel like I did, but still not over compensate either. It's never easy.

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01-18-12 11:10pm

I fucking HATED my stepmom. From day 1. 15 years and many hard lessons later she is my best friend and greatest confidant. Keep pushing because she will figure out.

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01-19-12 9:09am

You should ask my mom for advice. She had a hell of a time with my 2 oldest sisters when she married my dad and got pregnant with me. And my mom is very smart and always gives the right advice. She was always given the tittle of the "mean bitch" by them when she was just like you and just wanted the best for them. Send her a fb message. She won't mind.

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