:: 2008 7 May :: 7.28 pm

I applied for a student loan last night.
Today my loan was approved.
Tomorrow, my money will be sent to MCC.

Finally, all my ducks are afloat and in a row.
My birthday is in 32 days.
Right now things are going really great in my life.

4 *gazer*s | *watch the stars fall*

:: 2008 5 May :: 4.00 pm

I am not eligible for a Pell Grant.
Therefore I have to get Student Loans.
I am mad because tuition is due Thursday.

Fucking cock suckers!

1 *gazer* | *watch the stars fall*

:: 2008 28 April :: 8.02 pm

I have tough girl exterior that i show to everyone except my family.
Which also means that my family gets to me most of all.
They know what pisses me off, and makes me cry.

My brother most of all, knows each and every button to press, like he's dialing his best friends phone number over and over and over.

Today I got told that I am too small to be a corrections officer. And that if I work in a mens prison facility, I will be gang raped..

8 *gazer*s | *watch the stars fall*

:: 2008 19 April :: 11.32 am

You'd think I'd be used to this bullshit.
The feeling like shit because my mom puts rolling cigarettes and shuffle board before me.
Especially when its for something I NEED.
I need her to find her 2006 Tax info.
There isnt a want for it, it is an important need.
I need it for Financial Aid.
I need it to get money for college.
I need it so that i dont have to ask for money elsewhere, and take out loans.

But whatever.

2 *gazer*s | *watch the stars fall*

:: 2008 18 April :: 6.04 pm
:: Music: Bleeding Love - Leona Lewis

6 *gazer*s | *watch the stars fall*

:: 2008 15 April :: 9.35 pm

Spending the weekend in Ohio.
I hope it brings some sort of solution to my madness lately.
Doubt it though.

For the moment, the tears have stopped.
The uncomfortable feeling is still there.
Still burdening me.

I feel.. blah.

1 *gazer* | *watch the stars fall*

:: 2008 11 April :: 4.24 pm

I sit. I weap. I wipe away tears. It's how I start my day, and how I end it.
I cry at the drop of a hat.
I know I'm an emotional wreck and that I have some emotional issues I keep throwing in the back of my closet. Hoping that someday they will escape through a crack somewhere.
Sadly, I never know what starts these fits of tears and uncertainty.
Especially when everything in my relationship with Mike is great.
I have a job, and I am enrolled in college.
My bills are paid, and I'm slowly getting caught up.
I really have nothing missing.
However, there is a huge hole.
And that hole that keeps attacking me at moments like these, is hurting me.
This uncomfortable feeling it gives me, is hurting me physically.
I am always tired. My body aches. And I can't find a cure..

I've spent the last few weeks doing a spring cleaning of my thoughts.
So far, I feel as though I worn myself weak, and accomplished nothing.
It's like running on a treadmill.

Right now, I would love to burst into tears, and curl up in bed.
But there are too many things I need to get done.

Anyway..
My dad talked to his girly-friend last night on the phone for 2 hours last night, even though she broke their date for last night.
He is so happy, and giddy. And I love seeing him smile.
I have been waiting for this for years.

1 *gazer* | *watch the stars fall*

:: 2008 8 April :: 4.29 pm

So I am still waiting for that student id number.
I called and left a message with the admissions lady..
Being that it is spring break this week, I highly doubt i will get a response this week.

Anyway to go more indepth about the things my last entry contained..
My dad had a date-ish type evening saturday. I am happy for him, and he's happy, and he smiles a lot too.

I spent time with my mom on saturday. We played cards. It was entertaining.

And lastly, Mike's fish.. We had a power surge, and his fish was fried. He swam all weird and retarded like for a couple moments, and then nothing. It was sad.

But now I must shower. Sandpaper dust does not leave a very attractive odor behind. And let me tell you, I would be so very happy if i never had to see sandpaper again.

2 *gazer*s | *watch the stars fall*