:: 2009 10 December :: 7.51 pm

I haven't updated in awhile..
Don't really have a good reason as to why.
I don't really have anything exciting going on in my life right now, but things are going great.
I am happy and all that.
Trying to get through this semester of school..
Working on trying to get a new job..
I am so sick of all the talk of them firing me.. They won't do it, and it pisses me off.
I wish they'd just get it over with..

3 *gazer*s | *watch the stars fall*

:: 2009 15 November :: 4.52 pm

I have come to the conclusion that the human race is pathetic.
We're everything we say we're not, and we pretend to be the things we say we are.
I guess not everyone, but generalizations are always much easier than the specifics.
We're childish.

No one is every really as strong as they admit to being.
Everyone has a breaking point.
It is all part of pretending.
The truth hurts, life is hard, and people are pathetic.

....

So lately, my life has consisted of working during the day, and being alone at night.
I've been hanging out with Chelsea quite a bit lately, and it's a blast.
On my weekends I spend them with Mike, because thats really only the time I get to see him and it definitely sucks.

I am definitely excited that my sister is coming up Saturday and will be here til Thanksgiving.

1 *gazer* | *watch the stars fall*

:: 2009 2 October :: 9.42 am

Most days it feels like its the same ole' crappy song on repeat.
Doesn't matter how hard I try to repatch, cope, or ignore the issues, they don't go away, for good.
She doesn't see the hurt she causes.
I am starting to think she is incapable of feeling anything.
Which would be making excuses for her, and that is the last thing I want to do.
But with her, I never get to do what I want.
Lets face it, she makes me feel quilty, and I cave.
I can tell her how it is, be a royal bitch to her, and she still makes me feel guilty.
Why?
Why does she always turn it back on me?
Will she ever stop?

I'd cut ties with her, but would that really do any good, for anyone?
I don't care about hurting her, or myself.
It's the rest of my family I am worried about.
I can't stop asking myself what we did to deserve this.
Growing up the way we did.
Not everything was bad, but not everything was good thats for sure.

Each one of us had to witness different things, and as time went on, they got worse.
She drank more.
And more.
The fighting was worse between her and Jim, than it ever was with my dad.
At least, thats the way it seems to me.
Even though I was 11 when my parents split, a lot of the memories of them being together is a blur.
Not because they are bad, or I am trying to repress them, it's because I do not remember.
I vaguely remember when my parents were happy.
When I was at the age where I would be able to remember, it was probably just a show anyway.

There are bad moments that I do remember, but I feel like they are a dream.
I wish they were a dream.

I wish the drinking would stop, the drugs, the promiscuity.
All of it. I wish she would realize what she has before she loses it, again.

I know that I shouldn't care as much as I do, because I moved out.
I left and moved on with my life.
I want her to be a normal mom.
I want her to actually care.
Not ignore her kids because she just doesn't want to talk to anyone.
It's pathetic.

When the fuck will she realize...

3 *gazer*s | *watch the stars fall*

:: 2009 13 September :: 10.42 am

I got to see my nephew the last few days and probably will see him again today..
I am very happy about that, but i dont like the circumstances behind it.
He is getting so big and learning so much, and I miss a lot of it.
And he looks so much like my sister, but he changes more and more each time I see him.

It has been a long stressful, packed week.
I'm not even sure what kind of crap there is going to have to be done tomorrow when I go back to work.
I know there was a lot to be done when I left on wednesday.

Going through pictures, seeing my whole family in pain, the visitations and the funeral were hard.
And even though all of those events took place, and I mourned, I don't know if I mourned completely.
I still don't feel like it really happened, like I am completely numb on the inside.
I know that she is gone and won't be coming back.
But it feels like she is on vacation and I just have to wait a couple weeks before I see her again.

And apparently my mom likes to share her germs, because Friday I started feeling really sick, and started to lose my voice.
So yesterday, I spent all day in bed, except for 2 hours.. I went to bed at midnight saturday morning, slept til 2:30, was awake for maybe an hour, then slept til 9, was awake until 12:00, and then slept until 10 this morning.
But I definitely needed it, and I am feeling better today.

*watch the stars fall*

:: 2009 9 September :: 9.12 pm

So this week has been pretty shitty..
My grandma passed away unexpectedly yesterday morning.
They believe she had an ulcer that ruptured, and caused internal bleeding. She was coughing up blood, and they were able to revive her twice and get her stabilized, but her heart stopped. They tried to revive her again, but they weren't able to get her heart beating again.
Tomorrow is the visitations, and then friday is the funeral..

All 4 of my grandparents deaths have been either the day before or the day after a holiday.

*watch the stars fall*

:: 2009 31 August :: 5.36 pm

I had a pretty eventful week..
It was a good ending to a very filled week.
Only worked 3 days last week and only one day was a full 8 hour day.
I got to spend time with some friends I haven't seen in a very long time.
Spent some quality time at home, watching movies.
Worked on some homework.

Maybe I will stop procrastinating so much, and not wait until the last minute to finish 6 weeks worth of work this time..
But probably won't..

I won't ever change..
Well at least I don't ever stop procrastinating..

*watch the stars fall*

:: 2009 19 August :: 4.30 pm

Apparently sucks at life like the rest of society.
Still don't know to deal with frustration and stress..
Should be able to just ignore it after all these years, but if it hasn't happened yet, then it probably won't ever happen.
I need a job that I like..
Maybe then I won't be so frustrated and in super-bitch mode when I come home..

*watch the stars fall*

:: 2009 16 August :: 8.36 pm

I am in kind of a crappy mood today.
I don't deal with frustation well at all.
And I am stressed about this financial aid crap.
I just want it to all be done with already..
I have to get papers up to MCC as soon as I can, that will finish processing my financial aid..
Yeah it sounds easy considering I live like 5 miles from the college.
But I leave at 6:40 in the morning, and they don't open until like 8 or 9.. and I get out of work at 4.. and the financial aid office closes at 4:30.. and i can't get from belding to sydney with enough time to get everything situated..
So hopefully they will let me fax the papers and then go from there..

I found an online program for what I want to do, but it is not covered by financial aid or student loans, and you have to make payments on its for a year..

It's crap. I feel like I am in a rut and that it doesnt matter what I do or how hard I work toward something, that I wont ever get out of it..
I want to be successful, and have money, love and everything else..
But once an obstacle comes in my path, and I get frustrated I am just ready to give up because I get so upset.

Will it ever change?

*watch the stars fall*