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| squallet (profile) wrote, on 1-18-2023 at 8:25am | |
| Current mood: relaxed Music: "Use My Voice" by Evanescence Subject: I am an island. |
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| I came to that conclusion today. And I think life will be better for it. Growing up, aside from a rather healthy dose of dysfunction, my family was rather traditional. My dad did hard blue-collar work, and for the most part, my mom stayed at home, doing the cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the kids. Having them as role models, it's no wonder that my biggest dream as a kid was to grow up, fall in love, get married, and have a family of my own. For so many years, all I looked forward to was the day I would be a mom. Fast forward more years than I care to count. xD Here I sit, 33 years wise, and that dream has still yet to come to fruition. If I told my childhood self that I still wouldn't be a mom at 33, I would have laughed. No way. By then, I'd DEFINITELY have my shit together. I'd have a happy and fulfilling marriage to the man of my dreams, a perfect cozy home together, and I'd finally have some idea what I want to do with the rest of my life. Instead, I just have body aches, debt, and anxiety. >.> But also blue hair, so... small victories. ^^;; Okay, in all seriousness, I do have SOME of those things figured out. At the very least, I've made HUGE strides in mental and emotional growth. I learned a lot of life lessons the hard way. I've struggled with some of the lowest pits of depression and substance abuse. I've been messy, I've been ugly, I've been downright toxic. I was a girl with little self-worth, and even less self-love. Now, I'm a woman with grace... well, except in the physical sense. xD I'm patient with myself, I forgive myself, I treat myself with compassion. I finally love myself. I honestly don't know why I started life off with so much self-hatred... and it's really sad to think about and remember... I'm sure it comes down to some form of childhood trauma or learned behaviors, but really, all I know is that I never felt good enough being myself. I always felt the need to strive to be more or better. And, being the perfectionist I am... I could never meet my own impossible standards... and I thought that EVERYONE else noticed that I was falling short too. In reality, it was mostly just me. Anyway, back to the point at hand... Yes, I am married, happily for the most part. Yes, I do have a home, even if it is shared with family for the foreseeable future. And... well, I'm still working on the whole "what I'm doing with my life" part, but 2-ish out of 3 isn't bad, right? But the thing is... I'm realizing that my childhood dreams don't necessarily fit me anymore. And that's been a lot to process. Sure, I'm married, but I'm also poly. That in and of itself is a HUGE shock to the system. How can I have the white picket fence All-American dream if I'm in love with more than one person? What does that kind of future even look like? It's not something we ever really saw growing up. Even in today's world, it's pretty uncommon, misunderstood, and often looked down on. I find my inner child sometimes retreating back to that old dream, getting scared of the unsure future I'll face if I keep going down this road. I doubt myself, wondering if I'm making a mistake by living the way I am, and if I'd be happier just going back to living a monogamous lifestyle. But then I look at Michael and think about how much love he's brought into my life, and at Kristin, who has made Aaron so happy... and it reaffirms what I already know in my heart. I'm not meant for that white picket fence kind of life. But that's okay. I've always preferred wrought-iron fences anyway. <3 Still... it's been hard not to feel just a tad bit anxious thinking about the future and what this lifestyle DOES mean for me. I have two serious partners, and honestly, I don't see that changing anytime soon. So then... How will living arrangements work out? A poly household sounds pretty great, but what if living all together isn't as wonderful as we imagine? What about children? I know that both my husband and boyfriend want kids eventually... but I'm already 33, and I STILL don't feel like we're ready... Mayhaps once we cross the living arrangements bridge, that one will feel more natural, but who knows? And what happens if I meet someone incredible and fall in love again? Two relationships are already hard enough to manage. Am I supposed to just shut off all new romantic possibilities going forward? Sure, there's always the options to keep new connections more casual, but... I honestly don't really think that's for me. I'm not interested in purely physical connections. When I fall for someone, it's just for who they are as a person. I become fascinated with their entire being. I want to get to know all about them, learn what makes them tick, what they're passionate about, their hopes and fears, their secrets, their dreams... I like it deep. Okay, that sounded more perverted than I meant it to. xD So then I had a bit of a revelation. I was out running errands yesterday, and completely at random, I decided to stop at the park across the street from the apartments I grew up in. My own little nostalgic safe haven. I took a walk through the woods, my boots crunching the snow beneath me. I took in the fresh air, brushed my fingers against the trees, took pictures beside the creek, and thought back on plenty of sweet memories. I was alone, but I was at peace. I remembered then... I quite enjoy being alone. In fact, I'd honestly say that I kind of THRIVE being alone. It's when I can really reflect on things and figure things out. When I can piece together what it is I want, and what steps I should take going forward. It's when I find my old creative soul peeking out into the world again. The only problem has been my anxiety... Ever since the panic attack that landed me in the hospital back in 2021, it's taken a lot of work to getting back to that place of feeling SAFE being alone... For the longest time, I couldn't be alone, especially at night. I always found myself trying to find people to talk to, even if it meant engaging with people I wasn't really all that thrilled to talk to. But little by little, I've been pushing myself to be alone again. And I'm remembering how much I enjoy my own company. I know, I'm getting a little long-winded. ("Getting?" she thinks to herself... xD) But I promise, we're about to wrap this up with a neat little bow. ;P So, thinking about all these things tonight... Another realization hit me. As much as I had always loved my alone time, going all the way back to late nights online as a teenager (probably writing all my thoughts down in my old online journal, much as I'm doing now x3), I always lacked the confidence to truly be emotionally independent. When I was in a relationship, it wasn't "my" life/future anymore, it was "our" life/future. I wasn't "me", we were "we". Bringing this back home to the whole "what does my poly future look like?" matter... The reason it's so hard to wrap my head around is because, up until now... I had never really just thought about what I want in life going forward. I never thought of my future as solely my own. It's always been a matter of "me and [insert partner here]"... So of course that would make things difficult when you have more than one partner to consider in your future. That said... that kind of thinking no longer does me any favors. I am an island, and I honestly think I'll lead a happier life in the long run keeping that in mind. So rather than thinking "I already have two partners filling up my relationship 'slots', I can't handle more than that, I have to limit myself, etc.", I'm choosing to see it differently. "I have myself, and I am free. Free to feel however I feel, free to choose who I give my time and energy to, free to set boundaries and limitations, free to decide who deserves me in their lives and who doesn't, free to make mistakes, free to change my mind, free to grow and evolve, free to choose me." If you think about it, why should it be any different than friendships? Some friends I talk to all the time. Others I hardly talk to, but then we get together and it's like no time has passed. Some friends I only hang out with for certain shared interests and hobbies. Some I go out with, others I stay in with. Sure, some friends get more of my time and energy than others, but does that mean I love my other friends any less? Of course not. My point is... I'm done trying to live my life in a box, and trying to fit all the people I know and care for into other little boxes. Why not let love grow organically, in whatever way it chooses to bloom? Whether it's platonic or romantic, it's still beautiful, and it should be free to blossom naturally. Even outside of relationships, I feel like this "island" kind of thinking is so much better suited for me. For example, how many nights have I put off working on passion projects because I felt required to spend time with a partner? I can only imagine where I might be if I had really let my heart and soul take me where it wanted to all those times. What words would I have written? What songs would I have sung? Would I be closer to achieving any of my dreams? I'm not here to mourn those nights. I'm purely here now to embrace the future. A future where, yes, I will enjoy plenty of nights spent with my loved ones, but I also won't be afraid to choose myself, in whatever capacity that means. Whether it's taking a night to myself for creative outlets, or choosing to embrace a new connection with someone, or just having the courage to go stag to a party. It also means respecting myself and my boundaries, and making sure everyone else respects them too. So yes. I am an island. My loved ones are my favored destinations, but only I am me. And I honor myself best when I choose me. <3 |
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koalalady | 03-23-23 3:09pm Hi! I don't think we've ever interacted on Woohu before, but I've been reading the entries you've been posting lately and something you said here about friendships really struck me: "Some friends I talk to all the time. Others I hardly talk to, but then we get together and it's like no time has passed. Some friends I only hang out with for certain shared interests and hobbies. Some I go out with, others I stay in with. Sure, some friends get more of my time and energy than others, but does that mean I love my other friends any less? Of course not."
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