:: 2003 19 December :: 10.29 am

~~~~*** MERRY CHRISTMAS***~~~~









love you,
~*Amanda*~

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:: 2003 12 December :: 10.28 am
:: Mood: hopeful
:: Music: Jingle Bell Rock...oh i love how chorus rubs onto me.

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:: 2003 11 December :: 6.11 pm

dar n, the icon is a little distorted...^^^^
phew, goodness, is it Thursday night already? where the heck have the days gone? i swear, yesterday was saturday. eh, but anyway i'm sorry as usual for taking so long to respond, you know how it goes
goodness don't you hate when you spend time typing things only for them to disappear?
i'm glad you two had a movie-like ending to your conversation ~wink wink~ and hey - if you two can get through all of your struggles, than it's just more proof that you love eachother :)

but hey guess what - for spanish class all of us have to make presentations (in spanish of course) and the theme is ~diversiones~ .. so it can be people, places, things in general .. hehe guess what? i'm presenting YOU!! lol. what was your reaction to that? so guess what that means? you have to send me pictures of you! (Over email) (if there's any of just me and you also, that'd be great!) of course, i'm showing off some of our crazy ones... because, i've been trying to think of what to present.. and i've had this overwhelming feeling that people are going to expect me to be presenting something either about music and pure life, or swimming, because that's almost what i've always done... and blah, it's gotten boring - so i get to talk about my best friend in south carolina. :) therefore, i can EASILY make my speech last for 5 minutes (requirement).
but um... if you mind me showing you off, then i won't of course.

what else.. last night was my winter concert, and the chorus of course did amazing - you know the song joyful joyful from sister act two? and how in the very beginning it has the soloist and in the background has the girl doing sign language? ahem, well i did the sign language!! got tons of compliments for that :)
and well, everything else has been pretty uneventful.
you know what though Amanda? i've been swearing a lot. not when people are around because their reaction to me swearing really annoys me - - but all silliness aside - when i'm by myself sometimes they naturally come out of my mouth without any reservations! ...........haha, i must be the only person in the world that this is a big deal for...
but i'm done now, because i have a research paper due tomorrow and i'm only on the first page of it!
so hey, i think we're due for another phone chat :)
i love you
and still miss you like always
Julie

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:: 2003 8 December :: 10.51 am
:: Mood: hopeful

~*As you said, saturday has come and gone, and was very painful in the beginning, but after the movie, and a big fight that lead into a deep discussion for an hour and a half in the parking lot. which ended w/ us kissing, and some more, (don't have a heart attack lol) was very good, as to why in the world this is so short and so breif? i typed it ALLLLL out for a half hour, and then i went to "x" out of another screen, and i hit the wrong "x" ....don't laugh, it's not funny. lol
anyways, we still love each other, always will, and for right now, we're gunna stick it out, and stay together and see what we can accomplish, Julie, i just love him so much, and i don't ever want to lose him. he is the love of my life, and he would never hurt me, or not tell me something, and a lot of stuff, although my true feelings at the moment, i knew better than to say. i know he would never hurt me, and that he tries just as hard as i do to treat me right. i love him, i adore him, and i will always love him. Julie, even if we don't get married for the next 5 years. i will still remain by his side. and ever hopeful, that we are meant to be. i love him so much, he's my God-send, and i'm gunna be faithful w/ the things God gives to me.
i'm gunna go, and i miss you too, i need you hear to share these tears and smiles w/ . lol
i love you,
~*Amanda*~

P.S.> God is faithful to give you your hearts desires.

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:: 2003 8 December :: 10.09 am

Amanda,
I'm really sorry it's taken me three days to respond - - and I'm going to have to make this short for now but I'll write more to you during my lunch today (I have like 5 minutes left of this period..) ….
I pray that things have gotten better. Whether or not they did get better, I still wish that I was there to just give you a hug and let you talk. Don't ever apologize for talking to me about things that are so important to you. How did your Saturday turn out, now that it has passed?
…Amanda, you DO have something to give, other than your voice.
As beautiful as it is sweets, the quality of your voice does not define you. Your name, who you are - means worthy of love. Go ahead, look it up. And that you are. Listen, there's the bell,
I'll write more to you later!

I love you, wish i was here for you. xoxoxo
Jules

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:: 2003 5 December :: 10.32 am
:: Mood: aggravated

once again my man
~~~Julie i'm sorry these past two letters having been nothing but complaining, but there's no one here to talk to. i can't even really talk to Randy w/o him getting annoyed, i wish i could. This Sat. is our ten month anniversary, i should be so happy, but i'm not, i don't know why we're the way we are w/ each other right now, but i hate it, everytime i talk to him i feel like he's annoyed, or i did something and he's not telling me, i feel like he likes somebody else almost. and everytime i try to talk to him about something, like a few nights ago, about how we're too serious, and how we both feel we need a break, but yet don't want to break up. well at the end of the conversation, i said maybe now that we both realize this problem we can address it still in the relationship, and not have to break up and he said "yeah" then i said well i do this to try to make this better, and instead of him saying, "well, i'll do this" he just said "okay" like i'm the only person in this relationship, who A) has problems, and B) really cares about us breaking up or not. Julie i feel like he doesn't appreciate me anymore, i do so much for him too, for x-mas i got him this poster (a small one, not the huge ones) of a tiger swimming in a lake, and you have to paint it in w/ these acrylic paints, Jules i've been slaving over this thing since last month, and it's not done yet. Also, b/c i don't have much money, i'm writing him something really special, about what he means to me, and how i'm truly so thankful for him, and also b/c he likes Teenage Ninja Mutant Turtles, i'm getting him his favorite one, and some other odds and ends, and well, he told me he's getting me this Spongebob Shower Radio (which i want soooooo bad) and then instead of something personal and special, he was also gunna get me Spongebob's first season on DVD. Now, i love the effort that he's showing, but he knows i'm not a material girl, if anything all i want from him, is a rose, and something he made, he did. i'm about to cry, i just don't want to hurt him by telling him all of this, i feel so under-appreciated by him. and all this past week he just sounds like he doesn't even want to talk to me, or have anything to do w/ me. and i do know he loves me and appreciates me, but i feel like there's something happening something going on either good or bad, and he's keeping it from me. That's the majority of my feeling's right now, i don't understand anything that's going on, i feel like he's not telling me anything. i don't know what to do Julie, i've been praying SO very hard this past week, and all i keep hearing is:
break up and let him see what he's missing, let him re-discover how much he really loves you, how much he cares for you, how much he needs you there. but i know that's jut me talking and not God, and also, i'm afraid, b/c what if really doesn't need me anymore. (God i'm like bawling in the middle of this class) what if we break up and that's it.
i'm scared Julie, and the one person i go to when i cry is the person who's making me cry. Who do i go to now? I swear, i am so dependant on his love for me, that i go crazy when i don't feel it. Maybe i'm not as ready for this serious of a relationship as i thought, maybe Gods not done healing me w/ all my past hurt, and that's why i get like this, maybe, i don't know, i just want Him to hold me, and say i love you, not Randy, God, i miss being 7 and dancing in front of the church, i miss my innocence, i wish i had peace w/ myself so i could have peace w/ Randy. i wish Randy knew everything so he could understand, instead of saying things that really hurt, and he doesn't even know it.
i just wish i had a second chance at life, and still knew the outcomes, i would of stayed away from David, stayed away from Brett, from Giovana, i would of stayed away from Chuck, i waited and held off everything so i could give it all to Randy. i feel like i have nothing to give him. nothing. and then when this stuff i feel like he knows it, and he realizes it, and he knows he deserves someone who can give everything to him. i hate being the person that i am, i hate having nothing to offer anybody except a good voice, i hate that i still hurt. i hate that i hate. i need to go, i need to stop crying, i'll talk to you later Jules, i love you so much, thanx (once again) for listening
~*Amanda*~

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:: 2003 4 December :: 9.43 am

hmm.. randy reads this.. does that mean i have to censor what i say?? ;) jk. hi randy.
while reading the whole thing about Randy and band, all i could say was, "yay for Amanda"
hold on - not because you don't like it. i said yay because you're letting him do it, and not asking him to cut back
and before(while reading it) i had gotten to the point you made about your drama, i had thought about already telling you that anyway
but you already realized it, so, good for you... and i have some other "love advice" that crossed my mind..but you probly already
know all of it, plus, how could i know more than you? hehe.
anyway, i have plenty to tell you, but don't have any time! i'll try to find some time later...
i love you dearest, and miss you

Love always,
Jules

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:: 2003 4 December :: 9.40 am

whoa.. this is crazy, it's true! you're pic tho, is absolutely gorgeous i love it. :)


You're Most Like The Season Autumn ...

You're warm, and the most approachable. You have
that gentle prescence about you. People can
relate to you, and find you easy company.
However it's likely you've been hurt in the
past and it has left you scarred so things can
become rather chilly with you at times. Being
the third Season in, you're mature, trustworthy
and loyal to your friends but prone to
depression and negative thinking.

Well done... You're the shy and sensitive season :)


?? Which Season Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

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:: 2003 3 December :: 11.26 am

You're Most Like The Season Winter ...

You're often depicted as the cold, distant season.
But you're incredibly intelligent, mature and
Independant. You have an air of power around
you - and that can sometimes scare people off.
You're complex, and get hurt easily - so you
rarely let people in if you can help it. You
can be somewhat of a loner, but just as easily
you could be the leader of many. You Tend to be
negative, and hard to relate to, but you give
off a relaxed image despite being insecure -
and secretly many people long to be like you,
not knowing how deep the Winter season really
is.

Well done... You're the most inspirational of
seasons :)


?? Which Season Are You ??
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:: 2003 3 December :: 10.23 am
:: Mood: blah

Randy/band (band is a.k.a. "The Devil" right now, not all the time, just right now)
okay so we had to sing yesterday for the JROTC and this kid (whose name shall remain anonymous for sake of Randy reading this...hi hun!) was like staring at me the wole time, we only sang two songs and the pledge to the flag, and i could deal w/ that b/c i'm watching McBroom not anyone else...but then we had to sit on the risers, and watch the rest of the 45 min. ceremony...so gues how long "he" got to look at me? i mean i didn't really mind it cuz it wasn't like rude staring, b/c he's a sergeant (don't worry he's not old, he still in high school) so he had to stay focused on his general and drill team and all, but it was the profilific viewing of me that was annoying me....anways
this Saturday i am celebrating my 10 month anniversary with the love of my life! and now that our anniversary finally falls on a sat when we can actually see each other and be together, he has his first pep band show Sat. evening at the boys basketball game at Coastal (Carolina University) i mean i try not to complain b/c i love him and i really am happy for him and proud of him, i know he loves band and what he does and all, but sometimes i just think there's too much "band" i don't know, i just don't want to make issues out of it or make him feel bad for doing the thing he loves, b/c when i have my plays and such, and i'm barely seeing/ talking to him for 3-4 months straight, he never complains, and i appreciate that, so i try to do the same to him, and swallow down all my girl-feelings. do you even understand this? ~*deepbreath*~ And on top of that he's leaving to do a concert thing w/ one of his bands in N.C tomorrow morning (5 am) so God knows how much i'll talk to him tonight...him having to sleep...or tomorrow night....him getting back and being tired, plus yesterday he came to the school to teach his pep band here @ CF and i couldn't hug him or kiss him, i didn't know how to talk to him normally...i just think that if he has to come to the school to teach, then he shouldn't tell me he's here, b/c i just wanted one kiss and one hug and b/c of his position in the school at that moment, i couldn't. Later that evening he had a concert, and then went to waffle house, and called me @ 10:30 to tell me that's what he was doing, so i called him back at 11 asking when he'd get home, and i stayed up till 12:15am b/c i wanted to talk to him. which i'm thankful for the 45 mins he did manage to stay awake and talk to me. lol but do see what i mean when i say? too much band

so what's new w/ you?
lol....sorry this is sounding so bitchy.

anyways, i do understand it all, i just don't like it. i mean would you like ANYTHING that cuts your 10 month anniversary date in half? i thought so, but what can i do, he loves it, and i'm not gunna even think about telling him to give it up, or even some of it.

anywho...lemme get rollin' love you babe, thatnx for listening w/b soon.
~*Amanda*~

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:: 2003 1 December :: 10.29 am
:: Mood: Here's my character

ok, for this...i have no comment

What Finding Nemo Character are You?
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:: 2003 30 November :: 8.20 pm

This is the one i DIDN'T want to get! <3, Julie

What Finding Nemo Character are You?
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:: 2003 26 November :: 8.56 am

search engine? yeah sure
hey sweetie, i'm sorry 'bout how that present thing turned out and the banquet.
but on the upper hand i'm glad you finally got some much needed R&R. i ungratefully got my period yesterday bad cramps and all. so talk about your fun....hey i'll write more later g2g do literature, hey i'm back....my middle finger on my right hand is hurting, not the knucle, that joint above it right below your finger nail, that one....i crack my knuckles too much, anways, Randy's picking me up today after school which today is a half day, so after this block, i have 10 mins. of third block and then i go home for the rest of the week! Let's see, watch Nemo yet? lol...no seriously have you? oh...i don't know if you guys have seen the previews yet but there's this movie coming out Thanksgiving Day called The Haunted Mansion, w/ Eddie Murphy, it's based on the ride The Haunted Mansion at Disney World, well Randy, me, my mom and dad, Josh and Sara and the boys (Zach and Nick) are gunna go see it Friday! fun! OH MY GOD!!!! A POP-UP ADVERTISEMENT FOR THE HASUNTED MANSION JUST POPPED UP!!!!!! lol lol lol
anyways, i'm gunna go babe! Tell your family i said Happy Turkey Day! luv you guys
love you!,
~*Amanda*~

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:: 2003 21 November :: 10.46 am
:: Mood: annoyed

okay i can't type long but i need to say that that grl Michelle needs to shut her little snotty mouth up. She acted more like a big biotch than Clifford the dog could of acted like. Don't worry about her, she's just jealous b/c you're the smart, and thoughtful one! but yeah you definitly sound like you need a retreat! well get some rest this weekened, bum out! watch T.V in your pajamas, w/ no makeup on and your hair a mess! rest up babe...it sounds like your next week will be just as trying! i love you and i thinking of you and i promise to write you a proper letter back sometime next week!
i luv ya
~*Amanda*~

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:: 2003 21 November :: 12.20 am

One of those late nights
wow, that's quite a lot of fruit to sell. Must be a southern thing. ;)
anyway, i'm sitting here in my basement, typing on my dad's laptop, trying to find a radio station that plays classical music, and so far i've been totally unsuccessful...
ah but anyways, i am 3/4 of the way done with a HUGE english outline that is due tomorrow. my brain is fried. I've waited until the last minute to work on this (2 days ago) figuring it wouldn't take this long. as usual, i was wrong and here i am, on the 12th page of my 13 page outline. AH!
thank God the week is almost over.
you know, i'm thinking about how i'm going to be waking up tomorrow and i realized that there is ONE reason why i don't like this haircut: i can't just wake up, throw it in a ponytail, and head to school. it's too crazy for me to just let it be - i HAVE to spend time to style it whether i feel like it or not. otherwise i look like a crazy dude (or maybe a dudette) from the 80's. how fun!
hmm... i'm in one of those moods where i'm totally exhausted yet i totally don't want to go to sleep. like if i could talk to someone, i would talk to them for hours. there's something about midnight conversations that are just totally different from normal ones. like the ones you and randy have all the time. hm.
what else is on my mind. this weekend. and how i should just cancel all of my stupid petty plans and do something meaningful.
right now i'm annoyed at how shallow people can be. i guess part of the reason why i'm thinking about that is because for swimming, it's a tradition to have a team banquet, and at this team banquet the team gives each of the coaches a gift... being that this year has been the best ever, with new coaches and all - i figured we should give them something original and meaningful.. so i came up with this idea for the whole team to do, and so this week i've been asking everyone to hand in their part of it. i talked to one of the main girls, michelle on the team yesterday morning,and she said she would do it and pass along the message to the other team mates so that we can get this done, blah blah. come to find out later, while talking to one of the other girls on the team- that michelle had told her NOT to do it, and that i was the ONLY one who was going to do it. JERK! i was so mad, because everyone had been enthusiastic about my idea, and when i go to follow through with it, everyone is going along with it, and then michelle goes behind my back and tells everyone not to do it. UGGGHH! i was pissed. so anyway what i decided to do, was act like i don't know about what she did, but meanwhile i'm making sure everyone BUT her hands their things in - this way for the final product, she'll be the only one who didn't contribute. HA!
i've been trying my best to not be mad and all.. but goodness this just added to some other things that happened...
don't get me wrong, i'm still very content with my life right now - last night i was writing in my journal and thinking about all of my blessings - true friends and family that God has placed in my life. How can i be so selfish as to not be thankful? ... I mean, yea, John Mazza moved his seat away from mine because i couldn't carry on a conversation with him, and if i think about it, it may bug me.. yet it's not that big a deal for me so i haven't really let myself think about it, because it's just not worth it. moving on. i mean, as a result of him moving his seat, i moved mine next to this girl lindsey's and oh my goodness, the laughs i have during that period now! hehe...
so i've been working on my conditional happiness. yes, it's okay to be upset/unhappy... but not basing my happiness on my circumstances has been majorly on my mind this week.

i think i need a weekend at Elaine's. You know? just the idea of getting away from people at school (although i love them dearly) would be something i'd like right about now...rejuvenate! :)
or how about a weekend in south carolina?
now i'm REALLY dreaming!
aah, you know what, i'm going to get myself a pilot's license (i AM old enough...) and then i'm going to buy myself a very small plane... this way, whenever i want to spend a weekend visiting you, i can just go!
haha, notice what this late night atmosphere is doing to my imagination? i better go and finish up my work.
I'll talk to you soon my love, and have fun this weekend!!!!! :)
~MWAH~
love Jules

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