I wish I could change the ways of the world, make it a nice place. Until that day I guess we stay, doing what we do.


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Screwing who we screw.

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:: 2006 1 January :: 10.54 am

This is the new year and I don't feel any different.
New Years was awesome for me. Nothing exciting happened. I didn't watch the ball drop, I didn't get a new years kiss, I didn't even know it was the new year until two minutes later. But, that simplicity and it being treated like any normal day made it so special to me.

Lisa picked me up, we went to Skelletones (Aw, man.. I love that place), we met Devin there, watched a few bands, left, went to some lame party, left, drove around aimlessly then went to James's house to hang out and just watch movies for the night. We played 'Go Fish' too! I didn't know/remember how to play, so Devin taught me. Haha.

Devin is just...amazing. I've never instantly been so comfortable around someone. Nothing is awkward. It's like I have been this kids best friend for years. We talk all the time about everything. Serious things, past relationships, or about stupid shit that doesn't even matter. He makes me laugh so hard and I do the same for him. I love how he is so real and raw. He just says exactly what he's thinking, he's kind've... sassy in a way. And that's a bad word to describe a guy, but you get the point. He just won't sit back and not say what he thinks. I like how open he is. He'll just spill his heart out about the low times in his life and you can tell he doesn't feel embarrased about them. And it's not in this whiny way. It's in this real, 'This happened, I felt like this. So what? Take it or leave it' kinda way. And I love that. I need someone to just say something and not care if it sounds wrong. I have yet to sleep. We stayed up all night into the day just talking. It was never weird, we always had something to say or something to laugh about. It honeslty, like..hurt both of us to have to go home today.

The only thing that scares me is he is seriously such a nice guy. I feel like I can end up hurting someone like him. He won't talk bad about people unless he's joking. He actually sticks up for people and will tell the people talking shit that it's not cool. He honestly gets pissed off when people talk bad about others. I think that's awesome and it's nice to be around someone like that, maybe he can help me quit that habit.

He's also very well rounded. He's never stolen and doesn't ever want to. He doesn't smoke, because he thinks it's a disgusting habit, he has only gotten drunk four times in his life and doesn't plan on drinking ever again (He had to go to the hospital the last time he got drunk from alcohol poisoning. He almost died and that scared him, so he doesn't want to drink like that again.), he's smoked pot and is also done with that, because he wants to get a good job and just doesn't care about it. He was just talking about how he went through the stages he needed to and he doesn't have the urge to do those things anymore. And I could see that he was telling the truth, not just telling me things I wanted to hear. He's also very intelligent, you can tell by his vocabulary and the classes he is taking.

The best part of everything about him is...he's a virgin. Can you believe that?! Honestly, I can't believe it. I like that he is basically on the same level as I am in that area. You don't just find guys who haven't had sex around anymore. And it makes no sense. For the way he looks and acts girls should honeslty be throwing themselves at him. Seriously. He's extremely easy on the eyes.

I am a lot more mature than he is, but he's a year younger and a Junior so it makes sense. A year really changes a person. One year can make a person grow up in athousand ways. He's not perfect, which makes everything even better. He can drive me up the wall within seconds, but then just make me laugh it off a minute later.

I couldn't have asked for a better way to start off the year.

I don't know about all of this. Right now we're just friends. Close friends who are really comfortable with eachother and will spend any day they have to hang out to do nothing, yet enjoy every second of it. He even told me how he missed his ex girl friend and he wanted to be with her again. But, then he hinted a lot to me by asking questions about how picky I am with guys, if age matters, what annoys me about him, if I think he's cool, etc. etc. He asked a lot of questions that tip toed around us eventually dating or finding out if I liked him. We could end up dating (eventually), but I don't want to be serious with anyone until I get out of Highschool and expeirence a little more of my life. I don't even want to date him right now, I just want to be really good friends with him and enjoy his wonderful company.

It was so darn cute...he got up on stage and skanked at Skelletones. He looked sooo cute, seriously. He can actually skank right, so that was cool to see. I love how he always just lets go and has a good time.

Then he ate the last red and blue sour gummy worm! I told him not to eat any of those ones, because those were the only ones I liked and he ate them anyway! Then he laughed at me.

So, I killed him.

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:: 2005 31 December :: 3.28 pm
:: Music: Rilo Kiley

I can't wait for tonight.

I'm starting to get bored and when I get bored I get sad. When I get sad I kill people. When I kill people I go to jail. When I go to jail I sneak out. When I sneak out out I hide. When I hide I go crazy. After I go crazy I watch TV. When I watch TV I get tired. When I get tired I get bored. When I get bored I get sad. When I get sad I kill people.. and well, you see? The process just starts itself all over again.

So, let's go out tonight and hope I don't get bored.

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:: 2005 30 December :: 9.36 pm

Everybody looks like ants!
Ron and I watching Family Guy:

Icicle shards says:
Relentless says:
Icicle shards says:
Relentless says:

[Repeat that about ten times]

Man, I love that show. And boy, do I love sour worms. I ate all of them, Ron. Now I feel sick, but it was worth it.

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:: 2005 30 December :: 1.56 am

Dacon is bangerous.
Tonight was fun. Hung out with Ashley, Dani, Ryan, Tyler, Big Nasty, my bro, Shane, and Dan. (I am naming people in my entries lately so I can remember whenever I read through this. It's for my own benefit, so ignore it.). We hung out at Dani's house for a while, then went to IHOP. I hate that place with a passion, but the group made it fun. Those kids were hilarious. I love being around fun people. And I love to laugh. It's so nice.

I can't wait for new years. :) It shall be a good time.

Edit>> I know I am updating a lot lately about pretty much the same things. This journal is becoming more of a thing for me to read and look back on memories. I know who I hung out with and what I did doesn't matter to you, but it matters to me. And it is my journal after all. So, if it's annoying... "like be a big person and get over." Haha, only a select few will get that one.

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:: 2005 29 December :: 6.54 pm
:: Music: Rent Soundtrack - Rent

Going out once again. I'm tired and grouchy and I wouldn't have it any other way, because of the reasons I am. That makes no sense to you, but it does to me. So, fuck off.

For break starting off so completely terrible, it seems to be ending well.

Who would of thought I could actually be happy and stay happy?
What the hell is this?

It's well deserved.

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:: 2005 29 December :: 12.07 am

I love my friends so much. You guys crack me the fuck up.
But, seriously..without friends like the ones I have I'd be a wreck all of the time.

Thanks for being there.
I can't wait to dance on our party bus! ;)

I really need sleep. Going on two days without it, but I've hit the point where I am so tired I have crazy energy. Eventually I just have to fall asleep. Right?

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:: 2005 28 December :: 7.55 pm
:: Music: Rent Soundtrack - Love Heals

Big Nasty rocks my world.
Well, I just got done hanging out with Devin. There's just something about that kid. He's really...I don't even know. Just interesting and different. And I like it. Don't get me wrong now kittens. We're just friends and nothing's going to be rushed. I just think he's cool and I'm glad I'm getting to know him.

I have still yet to sleep and I won't be sleeping until probably tomorrow 'cause I'm hanging out with Jess, Erika, Heather, and Brandi tonight. But, I don't mind.. I love those bitches.

Ashley: I need to talk to you! It's nothing important so don't get exctied. I just have to ask you a question. Ok, little spears? Hehe.

Anyway, life is good right now. Really good and I am so happy.

8 Comments | Comment?

:: 2005 28 December :: 10.57 am
:: Music: Rent Soundtrack

Last night was so much fun. I love you Ashley, Dani, Mishy, and Brittani. Oh, and Devin & Ben (BIG NASTY) as well, haha. We just stayed out all night driving around, going to coffee shops, and just hanging out. It was so great. I'm running on about an hour of sleep (or less), but I don't care. I'll be leaving to hang out downtown in about two hours anyway. I don't know why I'm talking about this. It's just.. I was really happy last night. Everything was just nice and we all had so much fun and got along instantly. I didn't really like Devin the first time I met him, well more of how he was online, but he's actually a really cool kid. And what Mishy and I talked about is true. He's a junior, give him a year and a lot of things will change.

I need to learn to give people a chance.
And I will.

We all need to hang out again, soon.

Now I'm sad that break will be over in like a week.. :(
Let's all just pretend we had no idea and never go back to school. Sound good? Hey, if we all do it, it could just work. Just gotta have faith!

Anyway, yeah.. shower..food..sleep.

4 Comments | Comment?

:: 2005 27 December :: 9.58 am

I think I'm actually happy. Honestly.

Of course I'm gonna have my bad moments where I feel lonely, but being single right now is good.

Highschool relationships are usually bullshit anyway. Even if people say they aren't, they are. I only know of two couples that I think are actually good.

I like that I can do what I want. I can go to a party if I want to. I can hang out with guys. I can ask for a guys numbers if I think he's cool. I can call guys and talk. I can just do what I want without asking if it's ok and that feels so good.

I want to date at the age when it will be a mature, adult relationship and the goal will be marriage, not getting laid. It seems pointless to me to date when the goal isn't being together forever. Sometimes it's just a time kill for people. Or just so they won't be alone. Maybe they're in love with someone else, so they trick themselves into thinking the new person is great, which he may be.. but, you're still thinking about the other guy. Whatever it is...it's bullshit.

And I can say right now I have not had one mature relationship in my life. In one we fought too much about stupid shit that didn't matter at all. The other he quit on me because I "couldn't see him enough" the other one.. he had no back bone, another one.. well he was just a moron. Etc. But, everything was just weak and no one tried to fix a problem that was barely even a problem at all.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not bashing people who date in highschool. I'm just saying for me, it's not right, right now. And it shouldn't be the focus of my life. I can be happy without a meaningless guy by my side.

I can't believe I begged for him to stay. What the hell? Right now, I've never felt so good to get rid of someone so bad.

4 Comments | Comment?

:: 2005 26 December :: 6.33 pm
:: Music: Rent Soundtrack - Seasons of Love

Ya know what? I don't feel bad for Naomi Watts. I would gladly accept being chased by like 8 dinosaurs, having giant bugs on my face, and being swung in a gorillas hand for an hour if I could end up being with Adrien Brody. She's lucky. Stop crying, bitch.. you have Adrien. Who cares about the God damn gorilla?!

Juuust kidding. It was a really sad movie, but good. Very good actors/actresses in it.

Oh, and when I said, "Juuuust kidding." I didn't mean I wouldn't do anything to be with Adrien. I would. :)

I returned my Mp3 player, it sucked. But, it's all good because my mom just let me spend the money and she's going to buy me a nice one later on. :) I got the Rent Soundtrack, Blow [DVD], The Pianist [DVD], The Dukes of Hazzard [DVD], Bob Dylan Chronicles VI [Book], and a Bob Dylan 1956-1966 Scrapbook.

Today was good. How was your day?

6 Comments | Comment?

:: 2005 26 December :: 11.09 am
:: Music: Ashlee Simpson - Burning Up

Q: What's better than seeing Adrien Brody?

A: Seeing Adrien Brody on a giant screen for three hours.

4 Comments | Comment?

:: 2005 25 December :: 7.41 pm

If you haven't seen the movie Crash see it. Now.

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I don't even want to let anyone borrow it. Buy it. You'll end up buying it if you rent/borrow it anyway. I promise. :)

Thanks for telling me about it Erika. I know I've all ready seen it, but this time it really sank in.

It's the sense of touch. Any real city, you walk, you know? You brush past people. People bump into you. In L.A., nobody touches you. We're always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much that we crash into each other just so we can feel something.

:: 2005 25 December :: 4.27 pm
:: Music: Kanye West - Hey Mama

I love Kanye.
Well, I got..
-Pink Floyd Hoodie (It's sweeet)
-2 Zip up sweaters
-2 Shirts
-Makeup, nail polish
-Lotion, bodywash, and junk like that
-Like 18 pairs of socks
-$50 Gift Card to Best Buy
-$15 Gift Card to Target
-Argyle purse (It's so cute!)
-Did I mention LOTS OF SOCKS?!
-Crash [DVD]
-Bewitched [DVD]
-Ashlee Simpson - I am me [CD]
-Mp3 Player
-Some jewerly
-Lucky perfume
-Adidas perfume

I think that's about it. It was cool, my mom put $20 bills in random presents. Those were kinda fun to find. (That's where the $100 came from). After I return some of the stuff I got that didn't fit I'll have more money, so that's cool. And I think I'll be returning my mp3 player to get one that will hold more songs. I don't know though.

Oh, look at that. I'm rambling on and on about presents. It's about Jesus, silly me! Go Jesus. Even though I'm Agnostic, yeah!

6 Comments | Comment?

:: 2005 25 December :: 11.53 am
:: Music: Ashlee Simpson - Eyes Wide Open

I thought and thought of ways to make Christmas better for the guys and this is all I came up with. I think she's pretty hot.

Read more..

Anyway..have a wonderful, delicious, magical Christmas everyone.

3 Comments | Comment?

:: 2005 24 December :: 9.57 am

Senior Pictures.
I want you to choose your favorite picture. I do realize these pictures aren't that great. I am not paying $400 for senior pictures and I don't really care as long as it's not another one of those fucking school pictures on our ID's.

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1. I do realize that I look pissed off in the first one, no need to point that out.
2. I am also aware I only have one eye in the second one.
3. I did notice that you can't really see my face too well in the third one, I just like the picture.

Tell me your favorite photo, don't be an ass. That's all. Thanks.

18 Comments | Comment?

:: 2005 23 November :: 10.18 am

If anyone has the essay outline for Econ that we got, please send it to me in some form. Just what the essay is supposed to be about or whatever. It'd be really appreciated. Thanks.

9 Comments | Comment?

:: 2005 20 November :: 1.51 pm

Attention: Anyone in the play
If you have any pictures from the play, practice, cast party, etc. Please get them to me in some way. I can give you a blank CD to burn them to, you can email them to me, send them to me on MSN, etc. Just, please let me know. I have no pictures from it. Thanks.

5 Comments | Comment?

:: 2005 15 November :: 6.23 am

Friends only from now on, to keep certain fuck heads from reading this then reporting to their master.


:: 2005 10 November :: 5.08 pm

I really don't like people right now.

6 Comments | Comment?

:: 2005 9 November :: 11.44 am

Take it or leave it.
I've been thinking about everything lately and you know what?
I'm happy. I really am right now.
Yes, it's odd being single and having an ex, but it's not that bad. We really had something good for awhile. He helped me become comfortable with myself. He helped me be who I am today. He did a lot for me. And I'm glad he did do some good for me, it makes it all worth it. Yeah, he did some bad for me as well, but let's forget about that. I do know that we were not in love though. We cared about eachother. A lot. And that's it. I still love him to death, but I am not in love with him and I never was. I'm glad we were together. And I'm glad we're not anymore.
The only thing I am upset about is the fact that he told me not to bad mouth him, not to turn my family against him, not to hate him, and that he still wanted to be friends. So, here I am being the mature one while he's trying to win my family over and talk bad about me. *shakes head* Whatever, you're gonna lose on that one buddy. They're not your biggest fans to say the least.

I just like this independent life I'm having right now. I've been so busy lately, just hanging out with my friends. I couldn't ask for better friends. I love hanging out with Kelly, Matt, and Andy. They are my escape. Truly. I've never been around people who just want to have a good time and not really give a fuck or worry about anything. Just relax, laugh, and live. We always do the same thing, which is basically just sit around, but it doesn't feel that way. Kelly is still giving me a call every day just to see how my day was. Matt is more of a friend now, not just 'Kelly's boyfriend'. Andy is just... great. I'll leave it at that.

Erika and Brandi: I love you guys! You two are my best friends and you're so awesome. I love how we can have a whole day planned out and then the most fun we'll have is walking out to the car or buying underwear. Haha. You two are just amazing and I hope to eat cheese with you one day. Oh, and he will have sex with you. ;)

I realized I became too dependent on Brad. I thought I needed him so much for...everything. Like I couldn't function without him. I don't want to rely on anyone like that ever again. It was so unhealthy for me and just didn't work.

Now, I can do what I want. I can hang out with who I want, talk to who I want, etc etc. And I love that. With my next relationship I don't want that to change. I don't want to see him every day or feel like I need to. I want to have trust and freedom and that's how it's going to be, because I won't settle for anything less. He's either going to lie to me or tell me the truth. So, why try to control him or call him every minute to see what he's doing?

I have decided I am not going to college. Yup, how do you like that? I've thought it all out and I know it'd be a big waste of money and time for me, because I'm stupid. Seriously. I'm going to try and find a trade school to learn something specific or just get an office job. I'd also still like to do photography on the side. So, yay.. I'm one of those stupid kids that doesn't go to college. What are you gonna do about it?

Let's see what happens with my life.
I'm excited.

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