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:: 2011 17 February :: 1.13pm
:: Mood: aggravated

You were my best friend. You knew all my weaknesses. Then you exploited them. Like only you really could.

And I bit the shit out of my tongue. I held my hands over my mouth and let you get the upper hand just so you'd go the fuck away.

But now you're sorry.
And now you're alone.
And now you need me.

How many times have I been through this with you? How many times have I bent over backwards to make you more comfortable? How many times have I fought and argued to sort things out to keep you around, even when everyone else in my life thought you were the worst thing for my sanity.

And your texts, they kill me.
Your messages twist my stomach.
You have no idea how hard it is for me to look down, see your name on my phone, and flip it face-down without responding.
I'm not holding back because I'm afraid I'll say something hurtful.
I'm restraining myself so I somehow don't wind up with my arms wide open to you again.

Please can I go home now? I can barely stay awake.
But you sit there with your pride and kill us all.
You have so much fun now trying to bend me till I break
and I just set myself up to take the fall.

Your eyes are black as tar and to look at you is hard,
but I'm just too afraid to look away.
Misery loves company and here you stand in front of me.
Just please don't ask me to stay

So, who do you trust? Now that you need me to get through the day.
I'm asking too much - to have you hear what I have to say.
So I say:
Help me help you, I'm down on my knees
If you need me so much then why did you leave?
You needed a reason, you needed too much.
You can lean on me, but don't lean on me like I'm your crutch.

You never started loving me so you could never quit.
I could rule this fucking world and you'd still think I'm shit.
You've turned your back on me, have no family;
In the end the devil gets what he deserves.

So, who do you trust now that you need me to get through the day?
I'm asking too much, to have you hear what I have to say.
So I say:
Help me help you, I'm down on my knees.
If you need me so much then why did you leave?
You needed a reason, you needed too much.
You can lean on me, but don't lean on me like I'm your crutch.

1 apparition | pull the ghost


:: 2010 1 December :: 7.03pm

One day until I'm 21. One.

It's amazing how much everything changes so drastically from year to year. Different places, different people, but always hoping things are going to get better. This is the year! This is my year!

And 4 months in, I'm all "fuck this year."

After 21 years one would think you'd get used to the swing of it all. But no. Not me. I still let my days revolve around everyone else and put myself in the back of my own mind until they get tired of me and move on.

And I'm always so shocked when it happens. I always cry like it's the first time. But the only reason is because it always hurts like the first time.
And there's a little miniature me sitting on my shoulder, rolling her eyes.

I'd give about anything for someone to explain to me how I manage to ignore all the red flags and drive myself into the eye of the storm.
Explain to me how I always find the experts at sorry, and how I always fall for the same act every single time.
Explain to me how I manage to fall into this cleverly disguised hole - when I dug it myself.

Don't really explain it to me. I won't listen..

I've ignored the anger and the lies and the fake smiles, and instead of getting out before it all comes crashing down on me (again!?) I hid my own anger with fake smiles and lie to myself about his lies. Vicious, vicious hamster wheel of a life.

It's such science, really.
It never fails and always plays out the same way to a T.
More accurate and timely than a clock.
I could write a book and start my own Self-Induced Relationship Psychosis program. Chase away your loved ones in RECORD TIME! Here's my guide!
Somehow I feel like there's a bigger market for that than anyone would care to admit.

Crazy or not, that's the reality of it all: tumultuous, explosive relationships are more common than the happy ones with the white fences.


Because we all love to play mad scientist, especially with our own hearts (because that little river runs into the Self Loathing delta, and if you're like me, you're always looking to step it up.) There isn't a more volatile, explosive, hazardous compound in existence than the human heart. Truth.

And if you can get multiple hearts involved? Russia can eat their frozen little hearts out. Nuclear warfare has got NOTHING on love and other related disaster products. Absolutely nothing.

Not to mention, it's cheaper.
Wayyyy cheaper.

Because almost every person on this planet will give their heart willingly. FOR FREE! I love free shit! As long as they don't know it's for free. What I mean is, play your cards right. Eyes up front, asshole. Listen good. Fill them up with flowers, chocolates, promises you don't intend to keep. Swear by fake I Love Yous and Forevers. Empty intentions also work, too. Spray that cologne on that teddy bear to cover up the deceit! Mmm, Abercrombie & Lies, my fav.

More than likely, they'll give it up and you're free to do whatever your crazy little mind wants. Love them, hate them, mind-fuck them. Run over their heart with a metaphorical steamroller. (1) Their heart is your oyster!

The beauty of the heart and consequential breaking of said heart is that - although it is almost ALWAYS MESSY - the human heart (2) is self-medicating and self-healing. Give it time (and a collection of Journey/Cher and some cheap wine) and wait it out. They always forget about it. The pain fades with the excitement of something new. Until it happens again. This, boys and girls, is how the head-to-desk slam came to be. And also, suicide.

When you're all done, you move on. They move on. More heartbreak, more pain, thanks for the memories and the cheap dinner dates! (3)

The only thing that ever changes is whether you're the one getting your heart pulverized, or you're the evil heartbreaker. Sometimes people get their heart stepped on so many times, they finally wise-up and turn the tables. Also, some people get beaten at their own game and wind up crying into a bowl of spaghetti-o's while drowning their sorrows in Tyra re-runs.

In that lame movie "The Happening," that crazy lady had it right. She said something along the lines of, "there ain't never two people standing in one place lovin' each other exactly the same." I'm not going to research the exact quote because like I said, the movie was lame. But the crazy lady? she knew what she was talking about. So she didn't have electricity, she collected weird dolls, she slapped a little girl for reaching for a dinner roll, and ultimately she killed herself on her own broken windows; yes.. but SHE KNEW HER SHIT.

I'm not trying to come across as pessimistic (what, you were getting that vibe too?) and I'm not saying everyone should give up on love, so put your pitchforks and torches and "fuck you, Love!" signs down for a second and finish this.

It's not about avoiding pain. No matter where you are or what kind of life you're living, there will be pain. So maybe you haven't given anyone the chance to cheat on you, lie to you, promise you forever then take it away? Doesn't mean you're safe. You're, in fact, more vulnerable than anyone. You will have friends that betray you. Your car could collide with an oncoming truck and take away your dreams of being an Olympic gymnast. And guess what, your grandma is going to die.


Here's a tissue. You had to hear it at some point.

Life IS pain. Life is knocking you down and seeing how many times you can get back up on your feet before your clock runs out. Life is ugly and it is devastating, but it's the most beautiful gift you'll ever receive.

My point: break the cycle. Break the cynicism. Ditch your preconceptions and trade them in for acceptance. Stop wasting your time punishing every new person in your life for all the wrong the old one's did.
It's too short. We only have so many grains of sand in that glass and this isn't Verizon, there's no roll-over.
No do-overs.
No bank in the world can give you a loan for more time.

So take off that fake smile and put a real one on someone else's face.
Help them clean up the mess someone made of their heart.
Try keeping those promises. You'll be surprised when people around you start keeping theirs.
Give those flowers and chocolates, and when someone finally returns the favor, share with your friends (after you've gone through and eaten your favorites already. They can have the coconut ones.)

Tomorrow is my 21st birthday.
And after 21 years of pain and hardship, I can tell you why I'm still optimistic.
Because I've also had 21 years of stomach cramps from laughing so hard at the funniest jokes told to me by the most beautiful people.
I've had 21 years of being free to make these mistakes.

I'm grateful for being hurt because if I hadn't, I wouldn't appreciate how it feels to be loved.
I'm grateful for losing people in my life because otherwise, I wouldn't know how to appreciate the ones still in it.
I'm grateful for having my heart broken so now I know who I can really trust with it.

Yeah. It may have taken me 21 years to figure all of this out.
But I know some people never do.
And I want you to know that, whoever you are, wherever you are, whatever you've done - I love you. With all my heart.

(1) Metaphorical steamroller. Like, cheating or lying. Running over their heart with an ACTUAL steamroller won't get you anything but a cozy prison cell and a new best friend who will come to know you better than your mom. Inside and out. Think about it.

(2) Not sure about any other type of heart. Cats may hold forever grudges.
I know mine does.

(3) Every time I have diarrhea, I'll think of you.

pull the ghost


:: 2010 28 October :: 1.00pm

Maybe if we could just rewind the clock it'd all be okay
maybe if I could go back I'd do things a little different.

Some days I wake up and absolutely hate what I've become, 'it was never supposed to be this way'

And others

I'm so proud of myself and feel so on top of the world.

Today is not one of those days. I want to hide. And lock myself in.

I hate divorce; I hate mistakes; and today I hate just about everything.

I hate the fact I dont have people around that I can just go to whenever.

I need some 'me time'

I just need a day off...or a month

from everything not just work.

pull the ghost


:: 2010 19 October :: 12.40pm

Why'd you call me today.. with nothing new to say?
You pretend it's just hello,
but you know what it does to me to see your number on the phone.

Now tell me, what do you want?
What do you want? What do you want from me?
Are you trying to bring back the tears, or just the memories?

You keep taking me back,
taking me back where I've already been.
When we hang up it's almost like I'm losing you again.

Can't you see?
So what do you want?
What do you want from me?

I get so tired of living like this.
I don't have the time, neither do my friends,
to stay up at night to pull me through..
and to find the things to keep my mind off of you.

So, now tell me, what do you want?
What do you want? What do you want from me?
Did you call to say you've found someone and I'm a used-to-be?

You keep taking me back,
taking me back where I've already been.
If you've moved on why does it feel like I'm losing you again?

Can't you see?
So what do you want?
What do you want from me?

What do you want me to say?

That I'm content?
That I'm on the fence?
That I wish you would've stayed?

1 apparition | pull the ghost


:: 2010 17 September :: 7.05pm

Its so hard to let you go
Its so hard to watch you leave
I try to speak up
I try to talk things out
But I can never find the words...
I've always been a pro when it came to talkin' till now.


I almost saw something in you last night. I almost saw that man I fell in love with, and God knows how badly I truely wanted to grasp onto you and not let you go...but I watched as you faded to black.
You didn't want this...right?
I don't.
I never will be okay with this.
But I'm tired.
And you haven't cared for awhile.

In this life I've had a lot of " me's, and I's" but everyone knows I put You first. And God knows I would bend...but there's a difference between bending and breaking for you...and I've done both.

I lay on an old couch waiting for the night to be over, without you there nights are so unbearable. I hate admitting how much I need you. But for the first time in 6 years I got sick - horribly sick- and you weren't there.
Still not.

You call yourself a Freeman
Well tell me this
Does a freeman bear the chains you have strapped to you?
Didn't think so

Why can't I just be mad at you and be 'better off without you'







pull the ghost


:: 2010 10 September :: 11.26pm


First weekend off in.. months. I seriously do not remember the last Saturday that I had off. Not that I'm complaining about working or anything, I just don't remember having one off. And I'm loooooving it.

Going to the Verizon store tomorrow. I can't afford any cool phone's but.. I will be getting something new and that's all that matters.
I am really hoping I will be able to keep my same number, 'cause it's such a hassle switching them around.

Oh and - cannot wait for the 3Oh!3 concert in November. Yay!

pull the ghost


:: 2010 7 September :: 2.50pm
:: Music: Still Waters Run Deep - 69 Eyes

It smells like crisp Autumn air mixed with laundry, and it took my headache away for a minute.

It was a minute that seemed to last forever.

I realize that I've taken a lot for granted lately. Actually, not just lately. In the entirety of my life. All the time, basically every single day.

I know it's impossible to put things in reverse, but at this moment it's all I want.

A reverse button.

Not even to "re-do" anything, but more so to watch..or just to get "that" feeling again.

Every so often as of recently, I've been getting a glimpse of "that" feeling again. Most likely because I'm getting a glimpse of what life should really be like. Thanks to a good, dear friend.. and a possible willingness on my part to go out and do more things (besides turn everyone down who wants to hang out, and sit at home) -- I have felt like I'm living again. Just a little bit.

I think this trip my good friend and I have planned will be just what I need.
All that I need.

2 apparitions | pull the ghost


:: 2010 27 August :: 9.41pm

It smells like a freshness I've never been able to grip since the day it all ended. The clouds were billows of smoke, in any shape I could think of.

It was periwinkle blue.
Everything was blue, and green.. and bright. Like bright white hospital lights that weren't intimidating. I squinted a lot, I remember, as I dipped my toes in the serene water. I felt the fish nibble a bit, and it always made me jolt and go back for more.

I wandered behind the pond, and glided my fingertips along the petals of a hundred roses. The deep, abundant purple flowers of the Azalea bush caught my attention each time.
I floated on thoughts, and spoke imagination.

I wished for nothing.
I wanted nothing, for I had it all.

The grass never smelled uncut. The sun always shined through the trees, onto the grapevine trellis where I would hide secret treasures. It felt warm, like I was wanted, like a true home's caress.

No matter the season change, I remained invited. The aura called my name, and I never missed a step.

Beauty at its most vulnerable.
Unforeseen by most, witnessed by few.

A real-life Fairy-tale.

pull the ghost


:: 2010 9 August :: 8.23pm
:: Music: A Rocket To the Moon; Like We Used To

I haven't seen you in days.

I'd miss you

...if I could

I've been working a lot, I know.
But seeing your face at the end of the day has always felt so right.
Why don't you look at me, or greet me at the door like you once did?
(is this the beginning of the end?)
A question a dread to ask.
You glue yourself to the television as if it were God himself standing there before you...I don't even get a glance.
I smile at you and jokingly ask if you've missed me...'No'
(did you realize that it has been 5 days...now 6)
Honey what's wrong? Long day at work? ' Nothings wrong. '
(I'm sure)
I'm so numb to you. And I know that its a defense mechanism but that's the only way I can protect myself from you now. What happens from here on out is.... I wish I knew.

I'd miss you

....if I could

It has become hard now to miss something unresponsive and blank.

But oh, is it easy to miss the one who once would drive 20 miles to see me, even if it meant not leaving the driveway, or the man who would wrap his arms around me when he thought I was asleep and whisper in my ear 'I love you' then give me a squeeze before a kiss on the neck.

Yet in the same breath I am not dense I know he's not there anymore.

But in all fairness
...neither am I

The only difference is - how long will it take for you to notice?

1 apparition | pull the ghost


:: 2010 26 July :: 6.27pm
:: Mood: calm

Hey there to my future-self, if you forget how to smile
I have this to tell you,
remember it once in a while:
Ten years ago, your past-self prayed for your happiness.
Please don't lose hope.

Oh what a pair me and you, put here to feel joy; not be blue.
Sad times and bad times, see them through.
Soon we will know if it's for real.
What we both feel.

Though I can't know for sure how things worked out for us
no matter how hard it gets, you have to realize.
We weren't put on this earth to suffer and cry.
We were made for being happy.
So be happy.
For me.
For you.

pull the ghost


:: 2010 23 June :: 9.03pm

So I planned to quit.
I really did
I sat down and wrote out what I'd say to my boss to make things less awkward and leave on a good note.

So when she takes me outside to talk she tells me she's wanted to
talk to me for some time.

.....oh shit

Now that she's promoted me things are a little better. But lately I'm just agrivated for no apparent reason

Perhaps no time to myself

...no time with my husband?

Who knows.

Lately I feel like I can't do anything right. Everytime I go to do something I screw it up.
And I mean EVERY time.

I'm sooo tired.
But the day isn't done
and the work is never done


this was a truely awe inspiring journel entry I'll have to mark this one down

pull the ghost


:: 2010 6 May :: 7.38pm

Call me Selfish

I don't care if I hang out with you or not.
I don't care if you care period.

I've been working alot and hanging out with old friends...and I feel so 'whatev' about everything. I don't care. About anything.
Thad and I are fine, but he never wants to hang out with me.
He does his thing and I do mine.
I've been working alot on photo's and its been good. I've just been so distracted.
I need to figure out a way to get to Rochester, Minnesota so I can be with my ma. I dont have long to come up with the money. Anyone with ideas?

I watched Finding Neverland last night with my sister and we both started bawling our eyes out. If I knew that movie was going to end that way I totally wouldn't have played it. I mean it was a great movie but the ending is harsh.

I don't really know why I'm updating. I guess just out of boredom and whatnot.

I wish I had someone that I could call no matter what time of the day or night, and just talk or have them come over. In the same breath I don't. I don't need anyone to be there for me constantly. It'd just be a nice change of pace. But I guess I have Thaddeus for that. But I just hate troubling him all the time, after he works all day to support us.

I'm hungry, but I dont want to run out and be forced to drive through that Tulip Time traffic. I need grocerys soo bad. We havent gone shopping in like three weeks...if not four. So we're completely cleaned out. Thank God pay day is tomorrow.

Man I come off so cynical in all of my posts. But man who really posts things when their in a happy or indifferent mood. *sigh*

I dont remember the last time Thaddeus and I spent an entire day together. Man married life is lame. lol.

1 apparition | pull the ghost


:: 2010 6 May :: 11.16am

So, today is a new day.

It's really crazy how fast people's emotions can change.
I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself, and wanting things and not getting them. I feel bad that I put it on the internet so other people can find it and say, "wow, that girl's an effing complainer." Yeah.. if I found my journal on the internet and read it, I'd feel pretty plain stupid.

My life's not bad. At all. Certain aspects? Yes. 100% of the time? No. I hate coming off that way. I like my life, I just need to step it up, get out of my shell. I'm starting to make a list in my head to see what it is exactly that I need.I'm thinking my number one is more friends.. but the fact that I've been feeling pretty antisocial lately isn't helping. See, I do want these things in my life, I just never think I have the time when I do.
I like feeling safe, having a handful of friends. But I'm beginning to see that I never got the experiences most people at 19 have had. I'm not like everyone else my age, but I'm honestly trying to make it work. Well, some of the time.
Geesh, I make no sense.

So, I'm sitting here in Baker's parking lot on Shane's computer (hoping the battery doesn't take a crap) - waiting for him to get out of his class. It's only been like.. 30 minutes. ugh. We're going to the mall after.. probably going to eat some nasty mall-food that I love, and shop a little bit (Are there any guys that like to shop out there? cause I'd love to meet them!) After the mall, we're stopping by to see my brother for an hour or so. I haven't seen him in a couple weeks. In fact, I don't think anyone has. So, it's a little overdue, but I think he'll be happy to see Shane since he got approved to see him.

Also, does anyone seem to know any diet tricks? I'm trying to lose 10 pounds and it's definitely not working. I hate exercising, so that could be why. I do have my gym membership, I just have to get in the habit. It just sucks 'cause I hate all the food that could help me. Basically, I kill hunger with bread and cereal.. and chicken. Yeah, what a way for me to lose weight. Way to go me!

Wellll, that's all that's floating in my brain at the moment. I could sit here for hours and type meaningless junk, but I'm getting just as bored as everyone else.

Until next time..

3 apparitions | pull the ghost


:: 2010 5 May :: 5.39pm

When I do this, I realize my friends aren't close.

When I lash out, it's really misplaced anger. From being angry at myself, my mom, anybody. I've been trying to keep composure.

My gate fell today. I feel so dramatic. I feel like it's no big deal, but it is. Well, maybe not to you or your friends.
I'm just upset with me. Yeah, just me. Because I control what happens with this life.. and I've done nothing to change it. And I know I won't, and it kills me everyday.

I yelled at Shane today for not wanting to go to the mall with me. I got my hopes up about it, and no, it isn't a big dilemma. He didn't want to go, and I got really upset. I couldn't control my anger, and I know he doesn't understand. I know he doesn't understand a lot. Not much about me, actually. But it's like I can feel this anger and hate and.. this almost feeling of betrayal. I can't describe it, other than just pure anger. It's not towards him, and I tell him that. Usually not, anyway. I hung up the phone, and cried. For a good 20 minutes. Not because I didn't get to go buy new summer clothes, or because I didn't get to keep my plans, and not even because I felt like a crazy super-bitch.

Not at all.

I cried because a realization washed over me. I was angry and hostile because I realized I have no friends here. I have Shane. My mom. And that is all. If Shane doesn't want to go, and my mom is gone.. who do I call?

Fifty miles doesn't seem far, but today it does.

And don't it make you sad to know that life is more than who we are?
You grew up way too fast, and now there's nothing to believe..
And reruns all become our history.
A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio, and I won't tell no one your name.

pull the ghost


:: 2010 30 April :: 1.04pm

This past week has been wonderful, I got to be with my best friend for over 72 hours straight! Its such a rareity that I see her anymore. I enjoy every minute.
Though I have had a great time I hadn't been able to enjoy it as much as I had hoped. Its not like anything went wrong. Its just time, and the place. I hate not knowing, I hate waking up and worrying about what kind of phone call I'm going to get, and what it might mean. I hate not being able to go out with my mother and watching her suffer every single day. I hate it. I hate waking up period anymore. Its as if while I'm sleeping nothing bad can happen. I've watched as my mothers been ripped right out of my hands and stretched out onto some sort of death bed. I hate that everyone pretends that nothings happening and I hate how the doctors wont help and the insurance companies dont give a shit. I hate how this is affecting my marriage and my complete attitude. I dont want to lose her. I dont want her gone and I dont want to put her in the ground before she's had a chance to live again. There are days where I'll sit with her and she'll talk about all these plans she has of seeing the world and how spoiled my children are going to be, though all the while she's sewing a baby blanket for her grandkids that she knows she might very well not see and wants to do something for them. I hate knowing that I may have to live the next 60 years without being able to call her and get advise or concole her after a long day of work that she just cant handle. I hate knowing I may never be able to hear her laugh again. I dont want her to go. I dont want to lose the closest person to me. I cant handle it. I dont know what I would do without her and now I have to face that reality and it scares me. I'm sitting here bawling my eyes out writting this long diatrob that I know no one reads because if my family ever found out how I'm feeling it would be like shifting the foundation, and our family cannot deal with anymore.

1 apparition | pull the ghost

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