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brandnew26
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2006 15 October :: 2.39am
"I do not exist,"
we faithfully insist
sailing in our separate ships,
and in each tiny caravel-
tiring of trying, there's a necessary dying
like the horseshoe crab in its proper season sheds its shell
such distance from our friends,
like a scratch across a lens,
made everything look wrong from anywhere we stood
and our paper blew away before we'd left the bay
so half-blind we wrote these songs on sheets of salty wood
you caught me making eyes at the other boatmen's wives
and heard me laughing louder at the jokes told by their daughters
I'd set my course for land,
but you well understand
it takes a steady hand to navigate adulturous waters
the propeller's spinning blades held acquaintance with the waves
as there's mistakes I've made no rowing could outrun
the cloth low on the mast like to say I've got no past
but I'm nonetheless the librarian and secretary's son
with tarnish on my brass and mildew on my glass
I'd never want someone so crass as to want someone like me
but a few leagues off the shore, I bit a flashing lure
and I assure you, it was not what it expected it to be!
I still taste its kiss, that dull hook in my lip
is a memory as useless as a rod without a reel
to an anchor-ever-dropped-seasick-yet-still-docked
captain spotted napping with his first mate at the wheel
floating forgetfully along, with no need to be strong
we keep our confessions long and when we pray we keep it short
I drank a thimble full of fire and I'm not ever going back
Oh, my God!
"I do not exist," we faithfully insist
while watching sink the heavy ship of everything we knew
if ever you come near I'll hold up high a mirror
Lord, I could never show you anything as beautiful as you
failed the crash test
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brandnew26
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2006 30 July :: 12.16pm
in elementary school we had dreams of things we would do when we were just a older than we were.
in middle school and junior high we thought our old dreams uncool, so we came up with new things we were going to do in high school.
in high school, we were always too busy to do what our dreams wanted.
we always had grand ideas for the summer between high school and college, the last hurrah of childhood, but sadly for most of us, these never amounted to what we thought.
somewhere in this area we stop dreaming, for whatever reason. we stop listening to the kids in us telling us to accomplish our dreams. somewhere here we let the child in us die. we spend more time listening to what people think of us, and let them dictate to us how we should lead our lives. around this time we begin our decent. we begin to stop caring, to stop dreaming, to stop loving and stop learning.
life's far too short for us to put off our dreams, because we could be gone the next morning, leaving our list of dreams still folded up in our cold wallets. so use what time you have to do what you can. live harder, fuck harder, kiss harder, love harder, learn harder, run harder, play harder, eat harder, sleep harder, hit harder, pray harder.
because what's life if you aren't living it?
i challenge you to make a list of things that you want to do, and do them. it doesn't matter if they are lame to some and awesome to others, they are yours, your thoughts, so go and do them. climb everest, run with the bulls, fuck a celebrity (charm not drugs, of course).
i swear that every day you spend living your dreams will be the moments you carry with you for the rest of your days, the moments that cary you through the bad moments and push you to achieve more and live more.
i promise you that i will spend every day of my life, bettering myself, and living every single day.
dreams and goals:
run with the bulls at san fermin
summit denali
see the snows of kilimanjaro
spend a winter on isle royale
travel across the united states on a motorcycle
backpack across europe
cycle to the arctic ocean in alaska
see the spires of moscow
see the birthplaces of civilization in the middle east
travel the kashmir
run through the tunnel onto notre dame field
graduate from medical school
this is an incomplete list.
but i will accomplish these.
eric
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failed the crash test
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brandnew26
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2006 10 July :: 12.01am
:: Music: the fray - over my head (cable car)
Each sentance is perfect and clean.
Like every single letter had more meaning than the one prior to it.
To realize that you will never write something so poignant, something with the power he can.
You reach the moment when you say to yourself
"I will never create anything with such an intense and singular passion. I will never know the drive that compels one to reach beyond what my head and my heart are capable of."
Because I'm only fooling myself.
Because I know I'm capable of so much more.
Because I'm not just lying to you, I'm lying to myself as well.
Because I'm in over my head.
Because I owe you that much more.
Because I will take the talents that God gave me and make the most of it.
I will take the privledge of living, and create the perfection of it.
Because I don't just save lives for a job, I save lives for my life.
Because I will put my life on the line to save a complete stranger, to bypass my basic instinct of self-preservation.
Because this is what I need for life.
failed the crash test
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brandnew26
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::
2006 6 June :: 9.47am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: The Legion Of Doom - Ebola in Memphis (Every Time I Die vs Norma Jean)
so i'm at home today for a while. yeah getting used to a whole new sleep cycle is not easy. i'm used to working late into the night/early morning shift and being on call. not used to going to sleep early and getting up when the sun comes up, more used to getting home when the sun is coming up. watching my cousins for 5 days pays pretty good though, no taxes on it. have my STAR stuff at AQ next week. move in on the 17th. if all goes as planned i'll be rooming with phil. almost done with some more of my classes to get my full certification, fun. myspace is fun because people are easily pissed off, and is the perfect grounds for my soapbox speeches, too much fun.
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failed the crash test
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nickomt
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2006 26 April :: 8.43pm
:: Music: damien rice
graduation is in 31 days. hm, well..holy shit.
failed the crash test
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brandnew26
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::
2006 22 April :: 3.02am
:: Mood: frustrated
im in bed, in the quiet dark and i have to pee.
the bottles along side the bed are tempting me.
theyre saying, "hey eric, just stick the tip in here and pee on me, just do it. you know, its a long painful cold walk to the bathroom."
there is definitely a battle raging in my head over this. its like, well...i know what the "mature" thing to do is, but at the same time, i know that maturity obviously doesnt apply to my life and i should take the easy route because, hey, who the fuck cares if bottles of piss align my bedside, right? because my leg fucking is killing me right now and walking is out of the question, my knee is swollen so im fucked.
failed the crash test
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brandnew26
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2006 16 April :: 11.45pm
:: Music: cartel - if i fail
since its been a few days since i updated, i figured i owned you fucks the honor of my words. so its been a busy week.
xbox live, need i say more?
did the senior picture shit again, boring.
went to the movies with abby, fun
bought new cartel cd, unable to stop listening.
bought a new chuck palahniuk, cover fucking glows in the dark and scared the hell out of me last night.
Guinness pudding, like a pint of the black, but legal for me to consume.
i hate middle school kids, they annoy me beyond my old limits.
prom is complicated shit, its like planning a fucking wedding. i don't have the motivation for it, but my friends do thank god, its going to be fun, since i'm going to two now. i'm suprised how much i talk on the phone now, and the time flies with it. its rather suprising, and i don't run out of shit to say. its cool.
food is good as always. potatoes? they need no explaining. amazing.
traverse city this week probably, should be nice to get away.
night.
Collars up.
Blazers only.
failed the crash test
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brandnew26
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2006 9 April :: 8.32pm
:: Mood: giddy
:: Music: hopewood - this is cairo
holy fuck milkshakes own
came up with the idea of updating this shit every day. also came to the conclusion that my lenten promise of not swearing as much went right out the fucking window. suprisingly, i went running again today. yep, as much as i hate running, i did the deed again today kids. i'm the skinny mexican running around the neighborhood in the black shorts and white wifebeater. it was more amusing to see people stare at me as i go by, so cover your eyes and hide your girls, i'm back on the streets.
failed the crash test
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brandnew26
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2006 9 April :: 12.33pm
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and race at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of he light.
Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Wild men who caught and saing the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
failed the crash test
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brandnew26
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::
2006 8 April :: 9.30am
:: Mood: hungry
:: Music: feeling left out - going away to college
its funny to see how people react to a lack of sleep. with already being busy and having later nights, not making the lack any easier. my own slightly self-induced insomnia makes the nights seem incredibly long and lonely. i skipped work for the 2nd night in a row. i'm getting really lazy, or just tired. i made a note to take the other EMT classes sometime soon. So if I make it through those, looks like I'll have a job over in Grand Rapids to help pay for my lovely education at Aquinas.
i've come to the conclusion that driving is the cause of my bad moods. i have to drive to much, through traffic and stupid people. yesterday is an example of how driving can make a bad day worse. so here's a little timeline for you kids.
Fell asleep at 3 a.m. friday morning. woke up at 4 a.m. to call work saying I won't be in. woke up around 8 in a very pissed off mood for no apparent reason. did the eating thing and the weight lifting thing (got to get the habits down for college and med school). got dressed into running/jumping clothes (which consisted of black shorts, a white wifebeater, long sleeve ND shirt). drove down to the track (at 13/14 and mound) sat in my car for a good 25 minutes, and no one else showed up. decieded to run 2 1/2 miles on the track. drove home really pissed off. came home, decieded to take out my anger on the two things i always do, my body and hating running. showered and ray come over for a while. got dressed up for the play for the 2nd night in a row. drove there, got pissed at the stupid people. ushered again. talked with people. drove home again, pissed as is customary for the day. came home to a cold dinner, which i was too tired to heat, and starving from fasting the day. so hopefully it can only get better from here on out.
failed the crash test
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brandnew26
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2006 26 March :: 5.37pm
:: Mood: energetic
:: Music: nil lara - fighting for my love
its actually somewhat sunny out. crazy fucking michigan. its nice to be able to throw a football without freezing your hands off. so sore from work, but hey, money. i hate track more than anything else right now, i'm pretty sure coach blunk is a demonic force put here to ruin people's lives, but hey, to each his own. yeah, i'm addicted to the elder scrolls IV: obilivion. its fucking nuts. go buy the game, you won't regret it. picking up the new rifle on wednesday. well not really new. mosin nagant model 1938 carbine, soviet design. now i need to find a place to shoot it, so i can ejaculate all over the place. i seriously can't wait to graduate, i'm so sick of high school and seeing dudes everyday.
failed the crash test
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brandnew26
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2006 25 March :: 7.11pm
so here we fall
and here we break
and all that we had is now just a mistake
i guess it got boring and old
so what have you done?
you left me alone
you got your things, you got them all
you know there's nothing you won't have
and i'm afraid i don't got the cash to keep you happy and not sad
cause you show me that you're not free
that you need big fat limousines
to keep you high
to keep you safe
to keep you in love
what if i change for you?
then will you see me still with you?
well i never do it
i'm no fool
so here we fall
and her love breaks
and all that we had is now just a mistake
you look so long, you're so mislead
and your stuff friends have gone to your head
what if i change for you?
then will you see me still with you?
well i never do it
i'm no fool
failed the crash test
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brandnew26
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2006 7 March :: 7.40pm
i am so sore.
i feel old.
someone should make me feel better.
failed the crash test
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brandnew26
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2006 27 February :: 9.06pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: USSR National Anthem
yeah, i haven't updated much. i've been busy with various things. call of duty 2 for xbox 360 is amazing. been playing that a lot. recently got into reenacting battles, its pretty cool. trying to get my hands on some old soviet world war 2 private uniforms or some Praporshchik shoulder boards. i also would be very happy with a Mosin Nagant 91/30 Sniper Rifle, working preferably. so if anyone has one, please tell me. thanks. i'll try and update here a little more.
failed the crash test
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brandnew26
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2006 13 February :: 9.16pm
VO
collars up
blazers only
Villains Only
failed the crash test
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brandnew26
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2006 1 February :: 9.06pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: Explosions In The Sky - Day Five
It's funny how I used to think that everything I needed was a relationship, that would make all the world. Then I got involved, and nothing ever really felt right, or really comfortable in any way. They weren't mistakes, as I learned from each of them, but don't define who I am, or what I'm about. I don't understand how people are so worried and neurotic about having a relationship. Also, why is everything in a relationship seemingly all about sex? Why is it that everything these days about sex? I applaude those who abstain, myself included. I see no need for this. There are much better ways, for if I was in love, to express this to that person. I don't know, I feel that I still have a lot of life to live, and at this point, a relationship would just be a burden upon me. Seeing as I will be in school of some sort until I'm about 25-26 years old, I don't need any more burdens on me. I guess the purpose of this rant was to try and make a point that there is more to life than trying for a relationship, or being attached to someone in a way that suffocates the expression of who someone is. I know someone is going to say that the relationship is the expression, but is it really? Isn't there more to experiance beyond the seeming confines of one person? I think so, and really, that's all that matters.
failed the crash test
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brandnew26
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2005 7 December :: 7.29pm
“No thank you, I’m fine for now.” he replied to the waitress’ move to pour him more coffee in his already full cup. “Well, I’ll just leave the pot here with you, since there’s not much left anyway” she said in a manner that gave him the uneasy feeling that she wanted him to finish off the pot and leave. He had meant to say something to her in reply, but he was much too tired. The long drive through the night on the seemingly endless and barren fields covered in a light snow had exhausted him entirely. As he stared out the frosted window of the all-night diner into the blackness of the early morning, the sun had begun to rise over the open plains of the Midwest. The birth of the Sun peaking over the horizon caused the sky to erupt in a multitude of magenta, pink, orange and blue shades which washed over the barren landscape. “What a beautiful sunrise, in this unforgiving Midwestern winter” he said to himself. He paid for his coffee and tipped the waitress. She turned around as she heard the jingling of a few coins as they came to rest on the table stained with dark brown coffee rings from cups of those who had come and gone.
failed the crash test
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brandnew26
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2005 19 November :: 11.06am
| Your Life: The Soundtrack | | Opening credits: | Jeff and Mychael Danna- The Blood of Cuchulainn | | Waking up: | I, Heart - Doing Well In The Shadows With The Silhouette Of An Angel | | Average day: | Every Time I Die - Apocalypse Now And Then | | First date: | Copeland - Coffee | | Falling in love: | The All-American Rejects - Dance Inside | | Love scene: | Waiting For Autumn - Minutes Passing | | Fight scene: | Every Time I Die - Guitarred and Feathered | | Breaking up: | The Honorary Title - Everything I Once Had | | Getting back together: | Nine Days - If I Am | | Secret love: | James Clark - Stained Glass | | Life's okay: | Hellogoodbye - Bonnie Taylor Shakedown | | Mental breakdown: | At The Drive In - One Armed Scissor | | Driving: | Saves The Day - Shoulder To The Wheel | | Learning a lesson: | Her Space Holiday - My Girlfriend's Boyfriend | | Deep thought: | Explosions In The Sky - Memorial | | Flashback: | Houston Calls - The Better Part Of Valor | | Partying: | Michael Buble - A Foggy Day (In London Town) | | Happy dance: | Zella Mayzell - Straight Ahead at the End of the Court | | Regreting: | Minus The Bear - Monkey!!! Knife!!! Fight!!! | | Long night alone: | Butch Walker - Mixtape | | Death scene: | The Spill Canvas - Polygraph, Right Now! | | Closing credits: | Explosions In The Sky - Snow And Lights | Take this survey | Find more surveys
You've been totally Bzoink*d |
failed the crash test
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brandnew26
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2005 19 November :: 10.32am
:: Mood: cold
"Alright," I respond, "You have a good evening."
failed the crash test
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brandnew26
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2005 7 November :: 12.11pm
:: Mood: good
:: Music: rat pack - you've got to have style
most of the leaves are off the trees now. yesterday's wind looks do have done it. everything looks barren, yet full of life with all the green still around.
failed the crash test
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brandnew26
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2005 3 November :: 5.33pm
All Choked Up
Thank God I don't think out loud
Too many thoughts in my head
Right now
Mostly concerning the moonlight
As it dances across your neck. I'm out of practice
And you smell like roses. I'm the mortal soldier
Your queen of hearts
All that I want is to show you how you you're nothing like all of them tell you.
To be more than just a cricket on your shoulder
A little closer.
Feelings choke me
Don't let me leave without a word
Never give in
I've been letting my mind win the war with my heart. You are timeless
I am a fool in love with time
I've always believed in you
Want to be more than that tonight
And live for the moment
But that takes too much pride. You will stay what I never have
I'd shape up and put on weight
Cross out my calendar marked to the date where we'd meet on some mystic veranda
To dance I'd show you skills. I'm not forgotten. I'd spoil you rotten.
So Don't be afraid
For better or worse
Let's dive head first
And first we can think about this later when were not so jaded. So jaded.
I can't go on the way I've gone forever. A new endeavor is oh so needed and
Feelings scare you
You never look me in the eye
Don't ever change I just want you to know the complacencies always been staged
I was blinded until you opened up my eyes
I've always believed in you
Want to be more than that tonight
And live for the moment
But that takes too much pride
You will say what I.. Never had if I tried
Damned if I don't. What if I died without being with you
I can try all I want
The feelings would taunt saying ‘loser we see through you.’ And forgive me love
These thoughts are not my own
They were put in my mind by aliens
To keep me home alone. And forgive me love
For wanting you. Blame it on those eyebrows arching over baby blues
Oh you. Oh you.....
And live for the moment but that takes too much pride.
You will say what I never have.
Oh can you see me now?
Do you hear me now?
Do you see Me now?
Could you save me now?
Do you hear me now?
Could you see me now?
Could you save me now?
I'm choking... I'm choking...
failed the crash test
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brandnew26
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2005 29 October :: 11.23pm
:: Mood: sleepy
:: Music: the great lakes - ghost of manitoba
i'm so tired right now that its not even funny, but i want to stay awake to watch something on the history channel. went over joel's house today, did part of our photo assingment, we were too lazy to shoot the infrared, so we didn't. jack came over joel's and we played pool for a bit. i left and got chased by like two assholes in two seperate cars while i was checking out a new sub going up, so i shut off my lights and drove out quick, but one followed me, so i was flying down 22 and lost him in my sub. it was not that cool. cross-country is almost over, tuesday is my last cross-country meet, forever. thank God.
failed the crash test
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brandnew26
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2005 24 October :: 8.52pm
"And Shepherds we shall be
For thee, my Lord, for thee.
Power hath descended forth from Thy hand
Our feet may swiftly carry out Thy commands.
So we shall flow a river forth to Thee
And teeming with souls shall it ever be.
In Nomeni Patri Et Fili Spiritus Sancti."
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failed the crash test
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brandnew26
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2005 3 October :: 12.25am
:: Mood: working
:: Music: frank sinatra - summer wind
so homecoming was a lot of fun. hard to believe its the last one already, but oh well. i've been doing more thinking and it is still being debated whether it is a good thing or a bad thing. i'm renewing my vow to myself of abstaining from alcoholic drink, drugs, and smoking, as well as chastity and celibacy. i like it better this way, makes high school easier for me at least. i actually enjoy being single, not because i'm a "player", but because i'm not attached to anyone or anything, and its how i like things to be. i work best off of loneliness. but i'm not really lonely, so its good. i'm happy. more than i've been ever, because i'm not trying to win over someone's affections, or keep them, or things like that. i have some of the best friends anyone could ask for. most of them have girlfriends, but everything is well. so i am planning on being single for the rest of high school. no more girlfriends at least untill college. we'll see how this turns out.
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failed the crash test
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brandnew26
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2005 21 September :: 11.26pm
:: Mood: cold
:: Music: Michael Buble - Home
So since I'm awake most nights now, I've been thinking probably more than I should, for my own good at least. Its getting to the time of year where I start becoming a lot less accessable, for a few reasons. I'm out of town more in the fall and winter, a lot more. I think that really I wouldn't mind having someone miss me while I'm gone, someone to call me or something while I'm out, or someone to meet me in the parking lot when I return. The holiday season approches, which likes to make anyone who is single feel like shit because they are single, but I plan on making the most of it. I'm still sitting here weighing the pros and cons of a relationship, and if its actually worth it. I still have no idea, but if things go okay, I might make a slight attempt at someone, which as history shows, will be futile yet again. I think what actually suprises me the most is how much I actually do like her, regardless of what I happen to go through with that. The feeling of being ignored is one of the hardest to work with, because one is not able to tell whether to back off and never speak again, or to continue, hoping that it is just a front that must be overcome. But alas, I am unable to read the slightest bit of emotion, whether postive or negative from her text, which does not help my cause. I am rushing forward already, because I have still yet to decide if I think a relationship, in general, is a good idea and worth it. I will pray for guidence on this matter, for it is actually of some degree of importance in life, for it decides time, energy and feelings. I feel as if I am degrading this whole matter down into word forms and not actual feelings. Oh well, I shall go, for I require sleep.
in ipso vita erat et vita erat lux hominum
failed the crash test
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