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:: 2012 28 November :: 6.36 pm
:: Mood: chipper
:: Music: whitney houston

in laws.
- so i haven't seen my mother in law since i was 15.. she didn't really like me then . now she seems to love me, but i am nervous as balls to go meet her, her husband & my sister in law next week. i planned this whole vacation & yet - i am sweating bricks. because, if she doesn't like me there is going to be a serious problem lol. & boyfriend's moms usually DON'T like me - but they were just boyfriends, this is my husband . lol. any tips to impress the in laws? my husband's dad already doesn't like me - i can't have the rest of the family against me lol.

love me.

:: 2012 20 November :: 3.06 pm
:: Mood: sneezy
:: Music: Crazy , Stupid , Love - movie.

survey - stolen from koalalady :)
1. are you missing someone right now?: yes.
2. are you happy: yes.
3. are you talking to anyone right now: no.
4. are you bored: yes.. hence the survey.
5. are you german: no sir.
6. are you irish: nopers.
7. are you french: again, no.
8. are you Italian: nope.
9. are your parents still married: nope.
10. are you in love with someone right now: yesss :)

1. hometown: hialeah
2. hair color: dark brown.
[ where's 3 ? ]
4. hair style: wavy
5. eye color: dark brown - almost black.
6. shoe size: 8.
7. mood: bored ; i guess.
8. orientation: straight.
9. available?: Nope. <3
10. lefty/righty: lefty

1. have you ever been in love: Yes.
2. do you believe in love: Yes.
3. why did your last relationship fail: he cheated.
4. have you ever been heart broken: Yeah.
5. have you ever broken someone's heart?: Yeah.
6. have you ever fallen for your best friend: yes.
7. have you ever liked someone but never told them: yes.
8. are you afraid of commitment: nope - married.
9. have you ever kissed someone you liked: Yes.
10. have you ever had a secret admirer: nope.

1. love or lust: Love.
2. hard liquor or beer: neither.
3. night or day: night.
4. one night stands or relationships: relationships.
5. television or internet: Internet.
6. pepsi or coke: pepsi.
7. wild night out or romantic night in: romance .
8. colored pictures or black and white pictures: i guess the subject of the photo is important.
9. phone or in person: person.
10. aim or phone: text lol

1. been caught sneaking out?: yes.
2. skinny dipped?: nope
3. done something you regret?: yes.
4. bungee jumped?: no.
5. been on a house boat?: yep!
6. finished an entire jaw breaker?: no.
7. wanted someone so badly it hurt?: yes
8. been caught by your parents with a hickey?: yes
9. danced in the rain?: yes
10. had a hang over?: ohemgee yes..

love me.

:: 2012 14 November :: 12.32 am
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: husband playing COD

so, my landlord wants to charge a $350.00 pet deposit to keep my dog & cat here. - my husband believes that this is unreasonable and decided against paying it- we would then have to give up our pets. [ which i refuse to do ] i have nothing that is my own. i do not have a car, furniture, or children. i have nothing in my life only what i have with my husband. which is not bad - but i am not giving up my dog & cat. like i said i have no children & as i stated in previous entries ; i might not be able to have children - and of course the older i get the harder it will be. so , to me - my pets are my kids. & i am not giving them up $350 for 2 animals is not bad considering it's $250 for one. - but; i guess since i am alone in wanting to spend the money - i am going to have to work for it myself.

5 <3 | love me.

:: 2012 13 November :: 6.26 pm
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: television [ how i met your mother ]

thank you.
- so first , before i go in on my post ; i want to thank koalalady . she gave me some advice , that was probably nothing to her . but , went a long way with me. i am always so worried about my past, present, and future. i am pretty good at hiding my stress and worries - so the people in my life don't really see what i go through. but ; i need to stop worrying & stressing . because, all that does is increase my stress. i need to take my life day by day & live each day to the fullest. i am not worrying about money ; i have only one life . & i do not want to spend it worrying about being rich; or having enough money; or having expensive things . i want to concentrate on MY life, MY family, MY future children & the life i am going to have with my husband. if only i could get him to see the same thing she helped me see. he is so stressed about money [ which is why he does not want to have a baby at this time ] , he thinks that it is not time because he is scared we will struggle. even though we are doing good right now & living comfortably. eventually he will see what she helped me see. not going to lie ; i have been feeling depressed & scared lately. and i always go through these phases when life seems like too much . but i usually smile through & deal with them by myself until it goes away. i am thankful i have a husband who is willing to listen to my stupid and childish fears and things that bother me. he helps me through them. even if it means just staying in the room with me and talking - so my mind doesn't wander.

i always say that i shouldn't be left alone with my own thoughts for too long. every time i am - i cause an issue within myself. i need to stop sabotaging my life. everything will be going fine & i will be happy ; but then i take a bubble bath & think to myself - and then find things to argue about . idk why i do this. lol maybe i need some help.

- on to new things in my life -

so; the other day my husband & i were on the way to the store . while driving what does my husband see in the median ? a baby kitten. i had my husband pull over & rescue her. her name is Athena ; by the looks of it she is only 3-4 weeks old. we have to soak her food in warm water to soften it so she can chew it. she has been so sweet ; cutie pie <3 i love her. i get to bring my dog to the new house soon - so i hope the get along . i am scheduling her for a vet appointment soon because let's face it - we did find her on the street. but i love her.

also ; my mom's dog [ my dog's mother ] had 7 puppies. which is rare for a shitzu / yorkie mix. so my Lola Bean is a big sister <3 it's kind of cute.

well i am off - waiting for The Big Bang Theory to come on.

Thank you for everything KoalaLady - you helped more than you know.

1 <3 | love me.

:: 2012 6 November :: 10.09 pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: big bang theory .


i hate my period.

i get crazy emotional once a month.
i cry at everything! today i cried at love & basketball.
[which i have watched a million times and never cried]
i over think everything when i am on my period and drive myself crazy.
THEN ; i crave soda & junk food.
smdh. right now i'm settling for apple juice - as i do not have any other option. i have to text my husband & beg for some soda. [NEEDING a pepsi right about now]

ooh & chocolate. i should probably get a triple chocolate meltdown cake from applebee's <3

love me.

:: 2012 6 November :: 12.45 am
:: Mood: i'm happy , i'm feeling glad <3
:: Music: gorillaz - clint eastwood

sunshine in a bag.
just thought i would update to let you in on my life a little bit.

husband and i - moved. we finally have our own place - NO ROOMMATES!

it's funny how people claim to be your bestfriend & now that we don't live together ; i haven't heard from any of my "besties" lol. but i have seen my mom and sisters a few times , which i am happy about =]

my grandma is in town too. i get to see her tomorrow & i'm pretty happy about it. <3

k thanks bai.

love me.

:: 2012 20 September :: 8.08 pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: america's funniest home videos.

yeah...about that...
so ; 2 days ago ; me and my husband were talking and i decided to go on a diet. ugh.. enough said.

love me.

:: 2012 18 September :: 4.12 pm
:: Mood: loved
:: Music: one tree hill.

our love story...
i was 15. it was my sister's birthday on january 23rd , 2005. my sisters and i went to the mall. and i saw a guy - a familiar face. some one who had gym the same period i did - but was in a different class. i was in line at sbarro's and i looked over and saw him , the most gorgeous man i had ever seen. i smiled and waved at him, and smiled and waved back. the next day ; i was determined to get his attention. i put on some small cheerleader shorts in gym class and went over and spoke to him . i asked him if it was him from the mall the day before ... he said yes , & then in the middle of his sentence i walked away. so that way he'd have to speak to me. we then started talking in between classes and on january 28th 2005, he kissed me for the first time. he walked me to each class and kissed me at each class. then on the way to our buses - i asked him if he was my boyfriend. and he said "well, we kissed didn't we?" and then he asked me to be his girlfriend. it was so moody but adorable. i loved it - of course i said yes. and we started our love story.

we dated & fell in love. he was 2 years and 2 days older. he was a senior and i was a freshmen. & then on his 18th birthday sep.21 2005 - his parents told him i was too young & that he had to break up with me. he was allowed to see me one last time - for my birthday party and that's it. we decided it wasn't enough and it wasn't fair. - & so, eventually my family went to pick him up & he moved in. his father then called his mother in georgia. she told bryce that she was sending some one to get him and he is moving back to georgia. bryce ; had one week left with me. and then he moved to georgia on october 1st 2005. we tried to make it work - we broke up several times and on january 20th 2006 ; he dumped me.. for good. he then started messing around and dating other girls, but every day he would tell me he loved me and couldn't wait for us to be together. he even dated a girl and moved in with her- fell in love with her. but , he would continuously call me. eventually on christmas of 2006, he told me not to call - or to tell him i loved him because he was in love with her & he was done with me... i was devastated.

we barely talked for the next few years. only texted every now and again - talked on the phone occasionally. if he loved her - i was going to let him be in love and be happy ; even if it wasn't with me.

in 2007 , i met another guy .. we began talking and hanging out . he seemed like a good guy . we had our moments where we would stop talking but then we would go back to it. in june of 2008 , i received a phone call from bryce. he told me he was moving back to florida . i was so excited, i asked im about getting back together & he basically said "No." it broke my heart. i called new boy & cried . eventually bryce moved back ; i went to his job & i saw him. he wanted to hold me ; & i told him i had a boyfriend.. i didn't , yet. but i was still heart broken because he turned me down ... more than once.


me & new boy dated for a little over 3 years... it started off good but we fell out of love at some point. i kept thinking about bryce and wanting to be with him... but while i was with new boy.. bryce dated another girl... & got her pregnant. i found out and i cried.. for a few weeks.. it was so bad. & my boyfriend at the time did not know why. i KNEW i should've been that girl & we should have had the baby together. but; i let it go and continued my life with new boy. it was an unhappy life - and after a few years of dating... i texted bryce.


we texted and we talked on the phone. he told me he was still in love with me ; & i never been happier. on Thanksgiving day 2011 i found out new boy had been cheating on me . and i was relieved. i was going to break up with him that day & he made it so much easier. i went to our house and got all my things and left. i called bryce and told him. and we were so happy.


on November 25th 2011 ; he came over and we spent some quality time together. he kissed me goodnight and , it took me all the way back to 2005 . we started talking again and i fell in love all over again. WE fell in love all over again. on march 7th 2012 we moved in together. on may 3rd we made it official... we were back together. on august 31st 2012 ; he proposed and on september 7th 2012 i made the smart decision i ever made... i married the man of my dreams. my first love <3 Bryce .

4 <3 | love me.

:: 2012 14 September :: 9.53 pm
:: Mood: crying
:: Music: questions - blaque [repeat]

figured out how...
to explain what i feel.. my text to him reads as follows:

she has your child. she has that connection with you for life. a bond. a connection; me & you don't have because we don't have a child. & because of that she knows you in a way that i don't & because of my situation i possibly never will. & that hurts me. it hurts me so much & i know it doesn't bother you because it doesn't matter if you have more kids or not... but it's so important to me. & i'm terrified that it's never going to happen. & if it doesn't... she will always have or had you in a way that i never will...


love me.

:: 2012 14 September :: 9.22 pm
:: Mood: thinking
:: Music: boys 2 men - on bended knee.

nightmare ish.
last night i had a dream.. felt pretty real. woke up really mad at my husband. in my dream, me and my husband were.. of course married. in my dream ... we ran into his babymomma & she was 4 months pregnant. she then confronted him [ in front of me ] and stated that she's been trying to tell him that she was pregnant and would be having his... i think it was daughter. of course i was outraged. i hit him... and then i did the math and 4 months ago would be the month in which we got back together. meaning he had cheated on me - and impregnated his ex-girlfriend. we fought , i screamed. she was arguing with him - telling him that he should have told her that he was talking to or dating some one before he slept with her. some more stuff happened but i can't remember. and then, all of a sudden we were home.. and i was arguing with him in front of my roommate, one of my best friends - kaitlin. while this is going on kaitlin begins to get upset and yells at him because he slept with her too. i start yelling at kaitlin - stating that she's my best friend and knew how much he meant to me and should never have slept with him. she says that it's in the past and i should just let it go. i tell her "it's in the past but to me , it just happened." we argue some more and then... i wake up. i roll over i look at my husband.. mad. and then i realize it was a dream & get ready for work.

*music change: ashanti - only you*

- this dream occurred last night.. before bed i was upset as i was watching my husband play games with his amazing son. i was upset because i remembered back then, when he wanted to be with me & i said "no" to be childish. - he then got her pregnant & here we are. i am 22 years old ; and i might not be able to ever have a child & the one time i could have possibly had a child with the man of my dreams.. i end up turning him down and spending 4 years of my life with the man of my nightmares. and yet, here i sit on my computer... typing about shoulda, coulda, woulda... moments.

*music change: john legend- ordinary people* putting on repeat

i vented to my husband about it today. the fact that i am envious of him.. because he has a child and i don't. how i am envious and threatened by the mother of his child because she has the child we could have had. and that i may never be able to have is child & she does... he tried to be as sweet as possible and asked me to elaborate about my feelings.. i didn't know how else to put it into words. so he said "if you can't explain it's time for tough love, i love you ; i married you ; my son is not a mistake but he was not planned.. when we have our child they will be planned. we will have our child someday... get over it" sof [smileonface] that is the reason i love him. his playful nature. the way that he can take me from being completely upset to smiling. he just... makes my world spin; as cliche as that sounds.

i wish i could explain how i feel. like in depth... so he could understand. to him he thinks - we will have our baby and it doesn't matter.. everything happens for a reason and blah blah blah... he doesn't realize that i might not have the option to have kids & that it hurts me every day. i cry about it all the time and i pray about it just as often. he thinks that if it's meant it'll happen . and i get that.. but - what if it's not meant... then i won't ever have children?! and i'm supposed to accept that? what if i can't? it's easier for him- because; it doesn't matter if he has more kids or not.. but ; to me it's the most important thing ever.

;--* idk what else to say ... i mean if anyone by chance happens to come across this and read it... maybe you have some advice - some nice words to help me get through it. because, this is not the first time i've tried to express this to him.. maybe some one can help me say it - some one who can help me put into words exactly how i feel so he can get where i am coming from.. idk maybe i don't even know where i'm coming from. maybe i'm being petty or childish. maybe i'm just feeling this way because i want a baby.. idk* i wish some one could help me. maybe i should see a therapist or something? i wonder if i could even begin to afford one. i wish i knew one... i guess for now you guys are my therapists... even though - no one reads this. you a my vent-a-lator. well ventalator. goodbye for now.

love me.

:: 2012 12 September :: 7.09 pm
:: Music: one tree hill.

- survey .
( x ) I have been drunk
( x ) I have kissed a member of the opposite sex
( x ) I have kissed a member of the same sex
( ) I crashed a friend's car
( ) I have been to Japan
( x ) I rode in a taxi
( x ) I have been in love
( x ) I've had sex
( x ) I've had sex in public
( ) I've shoplifted
( ) I have been fired
( ) I have cut myself on purpose
( x ) I have smoked pot
( ) I still smoke pot
( ) I've had a 3-some
( x ) I've snuck out of my parent's house
( x ) I have been tied up. ( THAT way)
( ) I pissed on myself
( ) I have been arrested
( ) I've made out with a stranger
( ) I've stolen something from my job
( ) I've celebrated New Year's in Time Square
( ) I've gone on a blind date
( x ) I've lied to a friend
( ) I've had a crush on a teacher
( ) I've celebrated Mardi-Gras in New Orleans
( ) I have been to Europe
( x ) I've skipped school
( ) I have thrown up in a bar
( ) I have purposely set myself on fire
( ) I have eaten sushi
( ) I have been snowboarding
( x ) I have been happy with myself
( ) I have met a movie star
( ) I had sex in a pool
( ) I went to a prom with someone of the same sex
( ) I've bungee jumped
( ) I have been to a pop concert
( x ) I have dated someone for over a year
( ) I sold naked pictures of myself
( x ) I have been in a car accident
( x ) I have slept in the nude
( ) I've eaten cheesecake
( x ) I've had jury duty
( x ) I've hated someone without knowing them
( ) I have been to Maine
( x ) I've shot a real gun
( ) I've ran around with my trousers around my ankles
( ) I've had sex with someone within a week of meeting them
( ) I've done ecstasy
( ) I've gotten my ass kicked
( ) I've been caught smoking
( x ) I've worn boxers
( ) I've milked a cow
( x ) I've got in a verbal fight with a teacher
( x ) I've cheated on someone
( ) had sex with a best friend
( ) Lied one time in this survey
( ) Lied more then once in this survey.
( x ) lied to a friend you see everyday
( x ) Kissed a person that has a g/f or b/f
( ) Used ice cubes as a foreplay accessory
( x ) wasted time filling this out instead of doing something productive
( x ) have nude pics of yourself on your computer
( ) walked across 8 lanes of interstate highway
( ) have been to camp
( x ) have read a book(s) more than one time
( ) have eaten cat food
( x ) Have been pulled over by a cop
( ) own porn
( ) am a Republican
( ) likes classic movies
( ) own a kitty
( ) carried a lunchbox in high school
( ) buy gumballs to watch them swirl in the machine
( x ) likes to be dominated
( ) likes to drive with the windows down and the music turned up
( ) eats PB &J for breakfast because there's nothing else

love me.

:: 2012 12 September :: 6.44 pm
:: Mood: peaceful
:: Music: one tree hill.

Life; as I know it.
i don't have much to say today.i'm just going to brief you up on my life. but, i don't know where to say. hmmm.. let's see. my name is stephanie. i am 22 . i live with my husband and 3 other roommates ; yeah i know - crazy. my hero i would have to say is my mother. the strongest woman, no the strongest person i have ever met. lately, i've been feeling like i have to get my life together & a BIG part of that is getting my relationship with God right. i have a lot of growing up to do - and i feel the only one who can guide me is him. i'm glad i have the support of my husband . he's definitely the last of a dying breed. he's loving, understanding, and considerate. he goes above and beyond for me. i mean, obviously we get on each other's nerves but we have over come so many obstacles to get to where we are today. so, more about the rest of my life. i have an older sister, diana; older brother, haskell; twin sister, jennifer; little brother, michael & a step-brother named devian (devin) . well, i'm going to go for now - post more later.

love me. | Random Journal