*TwO CrAzY ChiX*

2 CrAzY ThOUgHtS | LeAvE uR cRaZiNEsS

:: 2004 31 December :: 2.05pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: stuck in a moment- u2

5, 4, 3, 2, 1.....
im almost glad to say goodbye to 2004. it gives me an excuse to start over, and use all the stuff ive learned over the course of the year to make sure that 2005 is better than 2004. 2004 taught me a lot about myself, about people in general, and about life. this year, the summer in particular, i came out of my shell, and i started to feel out the way people work, and the way that i work- and i found out that everyone, even the least likely people, make mistakes. this was the first time that i SAW this flaw in people. i always knew it was there subconciously, but when i saw it happen to other people, when people did it to me, and when i saw this flaw come out in MYSELF unexpectedly, that was a big lesson to be learned. 2004 taught me about people: their flaws, their kryptonites, their strengths, and that it is human nature to make mistakes.

with every new year, i find that i have this epiphany about friends, when really, its the same one every time- but a re-realization in a way. with every new year i am reminded that no matter how many times i say "edgemont sucks", some of the people that are here, i would not be able to live without. for the past 11 years i was blessed with the sister i never had, who has been my other half since we were 5 years old. theres never a day that passes that i dont talk to steph, someone who pretends to listen to me whine about my problems, and someone who can make me laugh about them even when i feel im at my lowest low. then i have friends like hilary who understands me when no one else does and can always sympathize with what i feel like, and it helps to remind me that im not alone. and then i have friends like zack, who stays on the phone with me until 2:30 in the morning because im upset about something, just making sure i know that hes got my back no matter what, and that he doesnt want to see me hurt, along with throwing in some "i told you so"s "are u stupid? why dont u listen to me?"s and "say zack is god"s----but hey, thats the price u pay for friends as amazing and priceless as these. 2004 taught me about friends, and how when u find good ones, theyre there for you always.

i need to treat myself with more respect, and i need to learn to be less naiive about life and the way people are. i am a very naiive person when it comes to some things. i am a very hopeful person when it comes to many things. in 2004, i put my heart out on the table for a bunch of people that i thought i could trust. i was used 3 times. am i blind not to see it? or am i stupid and ignore it. i dont know, but i know that i have to learn to respect myself enough to figure it out and prevent it. heartbreak happens too much for me, and its no ones fault by my own. 2004 taught me self respect and heartbreak: how lack of one can lead to another and how both are ways to learn things about yourself that you didnt know before.

i have too much faith in the human race, i always seem to forget that not everyone has a good heart and morals. last week, i brought in chocolates to school for some of my teachers before the break, and went to go bring mrs. longo's to her at 3:00, but she wasnt there so i left them on her desk for the monday she came back. when i told my parents that i did this, they freaked out at me and called me stupid because they thought that the custodians were going to go and take them off her desk when they were cleaning. and at 5 o clock, they made me go back to the a building and get them to put in my locker. luckily for me, i was right and they were still there, but i realized with this that as you get older and experience more things, you get screwed over and lose your trust and hope in people. i wish this wouldnt happen, but i know it has to and wish it would already, so i could prevent myself from the disappointment and hurt that comes along with it. 2004 taught me that i still have a lot to learn.

to everyone who made 2004 what it was to me- thank you. to everyone in our little woohu community- you are my world, i love every one of you with all my heart, you keep me going with your advice, helping me to learn the things that ive learned this year. thanks for keepin me strong.

so with this entry, i bring a close to 2004, leaving behind the number, but bringing with me everything the year had to offer me, every lesson, every memory, every smile, every tear. TO A HAPPY AND HEALTHY 2005.

:: 2004 26 December :: 2.24pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: greenday~jesus of suburbia

Merry Christmas! I hope everyone had a wonderful couple of days and is enjoying their break.

The flight here was absolutely horrible, just a nightmare but once we got to the hotel it was alllll better. I love it there so much and it's been almost set that I'm getting married there so you'll all be able to see it one day :) Christmas Eve, I stayed home while my parents and great aunt went to church because I was still sick and didn't want to tire myself out. Nochebuena was a lot of fun as always, the cuban dinner, the family...we filmed it which was definitely a good idea. Spent the night at my grandparents and Christmas morning, presents! wahoooo. Then my aunt, uncle, and cousins came over again and we exchanged gifts. I did really well as usual, not quite as much as I usually get but definitely good. Before we left (from ny) my parents showed me that they had gotten me a dartboard, and hockey foosball table for the basement which was reallyyy neat. Then here I got cds, movies, perfume, jewelery, clothes, games, bags...pretty much everything I wanted. Last night, went back to the hotel got a movie and some room service and that's pretty much it. Today I'm at my aunts...it's kind of boring but in a good way. It's too cold to swim, so I'm playing with all my Christmas gifts and I get to hang out with my fave cousin who I pretty much haven't seen since last christmas. I'll probably watch Napoleon Dynamite in a little while. Or maybe I'll go for a drive..I think I might be going to the DMV and getting my permit! How cooooool.

Tomorrow I think my cousins are coming to the hotel and we're gonna do spa and have a little cocktail party in my parents room before going out to dinner.
I'm feeling much better and just taking it easy, and having a great vacation.

The good thing about getting older and getting less excited about Christmas is that it's not so sad when it's over. It's actually better because you get to play with all your new stuff :)

Wishing everyone the best<3

:: 2004 23 December :: 7.31pm
:: Mood: relaxed
:: Music: you cant stop the beat- hairspray sountrack

heres to self-rediscovery before the new year....or something like that.
for the last few days ive been in one of those blast from the past moods. im not exactly sure what brought it on, maybe the stress and the anxiously awaiting vacation, but ive been very- reflective this past week. in one of my attempts to study for euro my mind wandered and i opened up my bottom desk drawer full of old crap from elementary school. i emptied out the contents of the drawer onto my floor and looked at all the things, all of the memories of greenville. i had these little stories i wrote when i was in 3rd grade, this little doll thing i made for mr. solomons class and this little book of pictures that ellen binder and i drew in like 2nd grade in our attempts to make a brouchure for our "resort". i was rather artistically challenged to say the least, the people had upside down u's for noses and hands with four or six fingers- never five. i may have been mathematically challenged too, im not quite sure. but at the bottom of the drawer, i found my poetry anthology from mrs. jarosz's class in 6th grade and i looked through it. one of the assignments was to write a poem about ur "inside self and ur outside self", and as i was reading through it i realized that although stuff about us does change, the deep core and soul of who we are is unchangeable. i found that stuff in this poem continues to hold true still today for the most part, but that other things accumulate inside of you, shaping you as you go through life---but even with those things cant CHANGE the core of you.

Inside Out or Outside In by 6th grade Danielle Litoff
my inside self and my outside self are different as can be,
my outside self is nice and fun, shes smart, friendly and number one!
sometimes shes a copycat, shes always happy never sad,
shes always there to lend a hand, she never starts the trends or fads,
people know she loves to dance, she loves to talk and act,
but my inside is a whole different story, and thats a definite fact.
inside shes a coward, and shes kinda shy
the girl who wants to be brave and sure, shes afraid to be different 'cuz she thinks they'll laugh
because shes a little bit insecure
do people know she isnt brave, she isnt what she appears?
maybe she'll let go someday of her insecurity and her fears.

along with all those other epiphanies, i realized that since i wrote that poem, ive really come into my own. those insecurities and fears for the most part have gone away, something im endlessly proud of. i remember 6th grade danielle. she wasnt a person now that i really think about it, but she was slowly realizing this for herself. she was pretty much a borderline stephanie wannabe, and she knew it too. after 7th grade, i kind of, grew into my own person. its kind of interesting to reflect on how you've grown since elementary school, not necesarily how you've changed, because you're essentially always the same person, but just how you've developed since then, how much you've learned, how many experiences you've had since then, and to think how all these things shape you. its a little scary too.

last night i was still in blast from the past mode, so i decided to go through some of my really really old cds and i just listened to them. spice girls, hanson, old school no doubt, backstreet boys, mandy moore---i really had no music taste, but even to this day, i still love it all. it just reminds you of every good thing about being little.

SELF-REDISCOVERY test it out. i think you'll pleasantly surprise yourself with all the stuff you'd forgotten about that you used to think would stick with you forever. its good to have a refresher sometimes.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
anyway, in other news, vacation is officially here. im leaving for vermont tonight at 4---dont ask, crazy parents. ill be back on sunday, but for those of you who i wont get to speak to, have a VERY merry christmas, i love you all <3

:: 2004 18 December :: 2.58pm

i stole gabis questionaire because her post inspired me to do this so i can look back on it and see the change in myself later on in my woohuing days----
� name - danielle
� piercings - ears
� tattoos - 0
� height - 5'6''
� shoe size - 8
� hair color - brown
� length - longggg
� siblings - none
LAST
� movie you went to see -- after the sunset <3
� movie you bought - shrek 2
� song you listened to - look what you've done- jet
� song that was stuck in your head - for the love of money- o'jays
� cd you bought -i buy songs, not cds, but the last song i would have to say was girls not grey by afi
� cd you listened to - ipod....
� person you've called - john
� person that's called you - john
� tv show you've watched - pimp my ride
DO ..
� you have a bf or gf - no
� you have a crush on someone - totally crushin
� you wish you could live somewhere else - thats tough, i think we all do sometimes, but i dont know if i would go as far as to say YES I WANT TO MOVE
� you think about suicide - never
� you want more piercings - yes, my carteledge
� you drink - nah
� you do drugs - nope
� you smoke - of course not
� you like roller coasters - u have to push me to get on one but once im on im in loveee
� you carry a donor card - nope, too young
FOR OR AGAINST ..
� long distance relationships - for
� teenage smoking - AGAINST
� premarital sex - for
� driving drunk - against
� gay/lesbian relationship - for, i just wrote my persuasive essay on this haha
� soap operas - i dont watch but i dont see y not
FAVORITE ..
� food - PASTAAA
� song - black balloon- goo goo dolls
� sports - skiing biatch
� drinks - diet coke with no ice and a slice of lime :)
� clothes - ones that accent your best features
� band/singer - thats a toughie....ill just say jack johnson and oasis so i have something to write here
� holiday - christmas----says the jew haha
� new nerdy saying - what the crap
NUMBER ..
� of times I have been in love? - possibly once, but i dont know
� of times I have had my heart broken? - too many for my liking
� of drugs taken illegally? - zippo
� of people I would classify as true, could trust with my life type friends? - i couldnt say
� of people I consider my enemies? - enemy? no one
� of times my name has appeared in the newspaper? - no idea, but its been in there a bunch of times
� of scars on my body? - too many to count---i used to fall alot as a kid haha
� of things in my past that I regret? - a lot of stuff, but everything happens for a reason and i think that everyone looks back on their past and says to themselves: "if i could do it again differently i would do this this and this...." every once in a while
DO YOU THINK YOU ARE ..
� handsome/pretty - i guess i have a good self image
� funny - yeah but in a stupid way lol
� friendly --yes, very
� amusing - sometimes
� ugly - depends on the day
� loveable - yeah
� pessimistic - sometimes
� optimistic - sometimes
� dorky - i can be
� spell your first name back wards - elleinad
� the story behind your user name - my initials+kiss+hug+kiss+hug
+are you straight - yes
� where do you live - e-mont, ny
� four words that sum you up - understanding, sensitive, hopeless romantic, enthusiastic
DESCRIBE YOUR -
� wallet - grayish blue kipling wallet
� toothbrush - blue oral-b
� pillow cover - blue with flowerish things
� blanket - colorful
� coffee cup - i dont have oneee
� sunglasses - expensive titanium maui jims that my dad got for me since he used to sell them in his store and hes all concerned with having good sunglasses to "protect your eyes, but if u lose them i pry the eyes out of ur head"
� shoes - im a sneaker fiend
� CD in stereo right now - none
� what you are wearing now - PJ's
WHO or WHAT (was/is/are) -
� you wishing - lots
� after this - shower, watch tv
� something you're looking forward to in this upcoming month - new years, and skiing
� something that you are deathly afraid of - NEEDLES
� do you like candles - yes
� do you like hot wax - its fun to play with lol
� do you like incense - nah its too smelly
� do you like the taste of blood- noooooo
� do you believe in love - of course
� do you believe in soul mates - everyone's got one
� do you believe in love at first sight - yes
� do you believe in forgiveness - yes
� do you believe in God - couldnt tell you
� what do you want done with your body when you die - just a casket
� who is your worst enemy - my conscience
� if you could have any animal for a pet--a chocolate lab named lola
� what is the latest you've ever stayed up - 6
� what are 5 cities you wouldn't mind relocating to - nyc, san francisco and idk where else
� what are some of your favorite pig out foods - chips, ice cream, cookies, CHOCOLATE, u name it, i love it lol
� what's something that you wish people would understand - me
� what's something you wish you could understand better - why stuff happens

:: 2004 16 December :: 8.40pm

Your love is... by ChibiMarronchan
Your name is...
Your kiss is... mysterious
Your hugs are... to die for
Your eyes... sparkle like the stars
Your touch is... the only thing I desire
Your smell is... exotic
Your smile is... amazing
Your love is... unique
Quiz created with MemeGen!

4 CrAzY ThOUgHtS | LeAvE uR cRaZiNEsS

:: 2004 15 December :: 5.07pm
:: Mood: bouncy
:: Music: nfg~friends over you (haha the irony)

i'd still pick my friends over you...

my journal is now
FRIENDS ONLY

-not to be paranoid, but i'll be able to write a lot more openly without thinking about the endless possibilities of who's reading-

<3

:: 2004 7 December :: 8.01pm
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: sunday bloody sunday- u2

fun quiz cuz i got nothin better to doooo

*The \\*
Last Cigarette:	pshh, right, ur talking to me here
Last Alcoholic Drink:	thanksgiving
Last Car Ride:	home from school
Last Kiss:	friday :)
Last Good Cry:	some time before the euro test over thanksgiving break
Last Library Book:	i dont read
Last book bought:	ditto.
Last Book Read:	the crucible
Last Movie Seen in Theatres:	after the sunset
Last Movie Rented:	shrek 2
Last Cuss Word Uttered:	fuck
Last Beverage Drank:	iced tea
Last Food Consumed:	pasta
Last Crush:	im crushin now <3
Last Phone Call:	julie, but she didnt answer
Last TV Show Watched:	friends
Last Time Showered:	last night
Last Shoes Worn:	slippers
Last CD Played:	rent
Last Item Bought:	a pink bra at the new victorias secret!! that store is sexayy mamacita
Last Download:	sway- the perishers (free dl of the week on itunes, amazing song, go dl it)
Last Annoyance:	my mother
Last Disappointment:	2 saturdays ago
Last Soda Drank:	dr. pepper
Last Thing Written:	studying for math
Last Key Used:	h
Last Words Spoken:	thats what she told me to do, i dont know
Last Sleep:	last night, overslept by 20 minutes, not too good :-/
Last Ice Cream Eaten:	2 nights ago
Last Chair Sat In:	im sittin right now in the chair i built myself biznatchh
Last Webpage Visited:	www.woohu.com/~dmlxoxo/friends
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

xxthacuteonexx

:: 2004 3 December :: 6.19am

instant message me

:: 2004 28 November :: 6.36pm
:: Mood: hurting
:: Music: nice to meet you anyway- gavin degraw

its amazing how something that barely exists can affect you so much. one minute, im sitting here, on a natural high, my heart absolutely soaring, and within one split second my heart deflated, the stupid smile wiped from my face, and i felt like i had just been punched in the stomach. that feeling of being...robbed of happiness. the feeling of having every hope that u ever had be snatched from your mind. when you have that knot in your stomach, and those tears in your eyes, but theres something blocking them from breaking through- and you cant quite get that knot to untangle itself, you just sit there, and time freezes in this freeze frame that captures every horrible aspect of the situation. the moment just lingers on, dragging out the pain and replaying the situation over and over again as if to make you suffer and intensify the problem. and you want to cry, u feel the tears building up inside of you, and you try so hard to make them well over, as a sigh of relief, to rid yourself of the situation through tears- but they wont come. and you just sit with this ache deep in the core of your body, and you question what this feeling is. and i can tell you. the feeling is heartbreak.

3 CrAzY ThOUgHtS | LeAvE uR cRaZiNEsS

canthandleit

:: 2004 28 November :: 4.36pm

FRiEnDs OnLy <33

my journal is friends only for now

*LoTs oF LoVe* <3

:: 2004 13 November :: 12.43am
:: Mood: curious
:: Music: all that ive got- the used

ill be just fine, pretending im not, im far from lonely and its all that ive got.......
god, how i wish that were true. charlie, jimmy. jimmy, charlie. it never seems to end. before i really knew charlie, i decided that i liked him and i told him that i did. that was by far one of the stupider things ive done within the past few months. over the part few nights of sitting in my bed in a pitch black room in a state of contemplation, i've come to the conclusion that at this point in my life, my heart is at one of the most vulnerable states it has ever been in. before i went into the city last friday, i was absolutely determined to find soemone out of my selection of nicks friends, and out of this determination, as much as i hate to admit it, came this tide of desperation. jimmy was the only one out of nicks friends that i had met before, and all of the rest of them i was getting to know as the weeks led up to my visit to the city. i think that the fact that i didnt know charlie was tempting to me. the curiosity of getting to know him drew me in, and once nick convinced me that he was the one i was going to fall for, and explained to me that he was the chillest kid ever, i convinced myself that he was 'the one', and stupidly, letting my vulnerable heart lead the way, to some degreee, came out and told charlie that he was the one i wanted. what i didnt really know though, and came to learn, was that charlies chillness was the one thing that makes me think we're not for eachother. in talking to one of his good friends, i realized yet another thing that i look for subconciously in a guy. passion. while charlie is very very "chill", hes almost so chill that he shows no emotion at all. when i talk to him, i feel like i have nothing to say, because the reactions i get are "Oh" or "cool" or "yeah". it makes me feel like hes indifferent, and while i liked laid back people, i need someone who believes strongly about certain things, even if i dont agree with them. i do find, however, that i know someone who is one of the most passionate people, and interestingly enough, is passionate about the same things i am.

the most important thing i learned though, is that sometimes what youre looking for is right in front of your face, and sometimes, you just need to make a few mistakes before you realize what you could be passing up. i was looking through my past woohus before and i came across the one i wrote after my josh brower fiasco. in it i described my soul mate, someone i know that i cant look for because ill be cheating myself if im looking for someone that i wont find for a while, but i did realize that i found someone who posseses almost every one of the qualities i listed in that post, for this particular point in my life. last weekend, while i was babysitting, i was sitting online talking to jimmy, and all of a sudden, he just says: "i know this is awkward, but i know i i can tell you anything, and i have to let you know, so here it goes:" and he went on to tell me that he thinks im great and that he really really likes me. aside from the part where he really really likes me, he said that he felt that he could tell me anything. that made me smile so big that i looked like i slept with a hanger in my mouth the night before. i need that. i need to find someone that i can talk to for hours on end about the stupidest little nothings, or the hugest problems in our lives that are hard to share with people- and i found a certain level of comfort with jimmy that i havent found with someone in a really long time. i didnt have it with morgan and i most certainly didnt have it with mike or aaron. but jimmy will tell me how he feels about me, and to me that says something.

i know what i want. i know what i need to do, but because im so vulnerable, i told charlie last week that i liked him. and now, i cant take it back just like that. im struggling with where i need to go from here. do i do what makes me happy? or do i keep my word and give charlie a chance? why do i dig these endless holes of unkept promises and lies to make myself feel better? ive come to realize that i do this because i use these unfair tactics to create this surreal feeling of love that ive been lacking and searching for....but im getting sick of pretending. i want the real deal. but thats not even the issue anymore, because i have the chance to get it- the question is: how?

2 CrAzY ThOUgHtS | LeAvE uR cRaZiNEsS

:: 2004 10 November :: 10.22pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: here is gone

one of my hippie rants, but i need to get this off my chest
�see, when you and i hear about some misery out there, it might make us feel bad for a while, but it doesnt wreck our whole world. its like we have a built in protection around our hearts that keeps the pain from overwhelming us. but may, she doesnt have that. everything just comes into her- all the suffering out there-and she feels as if its happening to her. she cant tell the difference."
-The Secret Life of Bees, Sue Monk Kidd

today i was sitting in euro and we were learning about the enlightenment and all of the people who wrote significant documents of the time and stuff, and we came across this one called "common sense" by baron d'holbach. common sense: it seems so- easy. you would expect to read it and see that it was about a concept that would be easy to grasp...but as we read on, it was about something i have such strong feelings for, yet i am constantly challenged about.

"to annihilate religious prejudices it would be sufficient to show that what is inconceivable to man cannot be of any use to him. does it need, then, anything but simple common sense to percieve that a being most clearly irreconcilable with the notions of mankind, that a cause continually opposed to the effects attributed to him...."

after reading this today in euro, it reminded me of exactly why i feel this way, and it saddened me at the same time because all of the reasons that i felt this way resurfaced. tolerance. its funny how 9 little letters can form something so powerful- it seems so, simple, yet the world has yet to achieve it. religion, race, color. whatever the difference may be- thats exactly what it is. its a difference. and while we should all look past these differences, the harder some people try, it seems that the distinctions become bolder and clearer. this concept makes me feel depressed, and the quote that i opened with is how i feel right now. i feel like i could cry for the world. i feel like the burdens and problems of the world and the worlds people have been shot into my heart, and the intolerance and the hatred has just been killing me.
i know that so many people disagree with this, but i think that organized religion is stupid and hurtful. every religion thinks theyre superior to all of the rest of the religions, and once you have superiority issues (in anything, not only religion), you have fighting, and violence, and bloodshed. look at everything going on in the world now. the jews and the palestinians, iraq and the united states, as well as wars in the past, the holocaust, september 11th: it all comes down to one question

why can't we all just get along?

every second that i sit here and think about how our country is attempting to police the world right now, the one word that i think of is "superiority" and how bush has instilled that idea in the heads of many american people during his last term. we are not superior. there is no such thing as superior, and the fact that the united states has such a jaded mentality makes me almost ashamed to be an american- because to the rest of the world, we're all like that, and i wish i could show everyone that thinks we're wrong that not all of us are ignorant powerhungry non-compassionate people. we're all equal. its part of what we're supposed to stand for, and im finding that right now, we dont.
i hate living in a world where its constant competition, and not to sound beauty pagent cliche, but i wish there was world peace. and knowing that that is something that we can strive for for the rest of eternity, and never achieve is very- disappointing to me.

"we shall always see evil, imperfections, and follies resulting from a cause claimed to be full of goodness, perfections, and of wisdom"-d'holbach

:: 2004 9 November :: 8.58pm

In the name of all that is good and holy...

Oh. My. God. This guy is mentally ill.

(i know i've been posting a lot of random shit lately but i'm enjoying myself)

:)

last one for the night promise
one tree hill time!

:: 2004 9 November :: 8.48pm
:: Music: spice girls-stop (was watching behind the music today...great stuff)

caught in a craze, it's just a phase, or will this be around forever?
"It breaks your heart. It is designed to break your heart. The game begins in the spring, when everything else begins again, and it blooms in the summer, filling the afternoons and evenings, and then as soon as the chill rains come, it stops and leaves you to face the fall alone. You count on it, rely on it to buffer the passage of time, to keep the memory of sunshine and high skies alive, and then just when the days are all twilight, when you need it most, it stops."

-- A. Bartlett Giamatti

wahhh, I miss baseball!!

though that's what this quote was intended to talk about, I feel like it can apply to so many other things too...many confusing, hard things we're all going through right now.

hang in there guys..
i love you all and i love talking to you all...thanks for keeping me going

<3