:: 2005 4 August :: 11.59 pm
:: Mood: torn apart

♠¬ L O S T
ladii j ownz: sup .
amore t a y: sup mama.
amore t a y: chu doin
ladii j ownz: just got home from school .
amore t a y: woord. how was that?
ladii j ownz: smh . almost as horrible as my relationship .
ladii j ownz: but ey .. atleast the grades good .
amore t a y: girlllllll. ughhhh. im fuccin tellin u.. my man is killin me
amore t a y: u still havin problems?
amore t a y: no lie.. im gettin chest pains from this nigga
ladii j ownz: nigga what .
ladii j ownz: ill not be able to eat .. until some shit be atleast TALKED about .. cuz god forbid .. he ever settle somethin .
ladii j ownz: gotta be all blues clues about the shit and make me guess .
amore t a y: ughh girl i feel you.
amore t a y: my man talks to me like i aint shit... i love it.. then this nigga @ nite wanna get a mushy like baby shit
ladii j ownz: unfortunately .
ladii j ownz: thats the same shit that keeps me around .
ladii j ownz: how when aint nobody around, hes the person i want him to be .
amore t a y: wow i feel you
ladii j ownz: damn . thats fucked up .
amore t a y: hes playin head games though...
amore t a y: like
ladii j ownz: how old r u .. how old is he ?
amore t a y: one minute he'll gimme so much attention.. then the next minute.. he'll say fucc it.. go chill wit his boys n smoke weed
amore t a y: im 18 hes 20
amore t a y: you?
ladii j ownz: aiii .. 17 hes 22 turnin 23
ladii j ownz: ill be 18 in march tho .. so i dun think its that bad ..
ladii j ownz: but to him its another "reason" .
amore t a y: na u straight
amore t a y: o god
amore t a y: see how these niggas always got an excuse for dumb shit?
ladii j ownz: girl .. u juss dunno .
ladii j ownz: how bout ..
amore t a y: they just dont know how good they got it.. theyll realize
ladii j ownz: im the one sleepin in the bed five nights out the week, got mah own toothbrush at the crib, my panties bras and clothes all up in the closet, but i cant be called his "girl" .
ladii j ownz: im not "ready" yet .
amore t a y: omg r u serious?
ladii j ownz: so i took all my shit and im stayin home now . for like . long periods of time .
amore t a y: my nigga wont say he loves me around his mom n shit.. only around his one boy.. shit seems suspect
amore t a y: yea i feel u
ladii j ownz: nigga what !
ladii j ownz: we dont go NOWHERE ever .
ladii j ownz: i mean NOWHERE .
amore t a y: lol girl im tellin u
amore t a y: LMAO we goin thru the SAME fuccin shit
ladii j ownz: he dont love me . hes made that very clear .
amore t a y: see my man tells me he wants to marry me.. n he wants babies with me.. yet this motherfucca still shits on me.
amore t a y: you love him?
ladii j ownz: how long yall been together .
amore t a y: 2 yrs the 27th of july.. just passed
amore t a y: you?
ladii j ownz: girl im so in love wit him .. its like i fell face forward in a puddle and im drownin in that shit .
ladii j ownz: well .. i aint been together wit this nigga that long .
amore t a y: wow i feel you
ladii j ownz: but he is the first guy that i ever opened up to .. like knows everything about me no lies no nuthin .
amore t a y: -same shit
amore t a y: how long yall been talkin?
ladii j ownz: 7 months .. not including the like 2 or 3 months we were just friends
ladii j ownz: ive always hated him tho .
amore t a y: true.. still long enough to develop deep feelins
ladii j ownz: he got too much into my head space without being invited . kinda why i fell for him .
ladii j ownz: he cracked the case of why i am the way i am one night over dinner .. and i started cryin because he was right .. and ever since then hes been fiddlin wit my thoughts .
ladii j ownz: i hate him for that shit .
ladii j ownz: aint no sense in fixin someone if you dont plan on keepin em .
amore t a y: true..
ladii j ownz: i woulda fixed myself .. ya kno ?
amore t a y: yea ma..u dont see urself wit him?
ladii j ownz: in time i would have . and i would have been fine .
ladii j ownz: i do .
ladii j ownz: girl . what . i seen me wit him before i was his .
amore t a y: he knows this?
ladii j ownz: this nigga would come around and id run to the bathroom as soon as i heard his bass . get all dolled up . make sure i looked ok . rofl .
amore t a y: ayy our problem is.. they KNOW we love them to death.. and we WONt leave them no matter how bad shit gets.. thas why they doin what they do. im tellin u
ladii j ownz: this nigga always gave me butterflies and goosebumps at the same time .
ladii j ownz: girl .. lol . i told him that plenty of times .
amore t a y: i tryed playin hard to get.. n shit.. n avoid his calls.. didnt work.. i feel empty without even talkin to the nigga
ladii j ownz: i told him the only reason hes happy .. is cuz he has what he wants and he knows hes what i want .. so im not leavin .
ladii j ownz: me too .
ladii j ownz: its like u find dumb reasons to call .
ladii j ownz: just cuz .. u feel empty .
amore t a y: yeaaa
ladii j ownz: and then u feel like an ass cuz he fuckin trippin on u cuz u callin .
amore t a y: exactlyyyyyyy
ladii j ownz: hang up cryin .. he dont give a fuck . damn sure dont wanna kno why .
amore t a y: i jus wanna say wasup n tell him i love him.. n he tellin me im annoyin cuz im callin him so much.. insecure blah blah
amore t a y: im tellin u.. he makes me feel like shit.. but then again hes the only person who makes me feel good too
ladii j ownz: ohh buh girl .
ladii j ownz: wha happens when u dont call ?
ladii j ownz: what do u get ?
ladii j ownz: THIS NIGGA CAN CALL U ON THE HOUSE PHONE ..
ladii j ownz: AND WHAS THE FIRST THING U GET ?
ladii j ownz: " WHERE THE FUCK WERE U ? " OR " WHAT THE FUCK U BEEN DOIN ? "
amore t a y: omgggggggggggg
amore t a y: u aint lyinn
amore t a y: shit
amore t a y: " how many niggas u chilled wit onite"
amore t a y: tonite*
ladii j ownz: I TOLD MY NIGGA .. " WHAT THE FUCK WHATTS BEEN ALMSOT 3 DAYS .. U JUST NOTICED .. SO WHAT THE FUCK UUUUUU BEEN DOIN ? "
ladii j ownz: OMG
ladii j ownz: OMG OMG
ladii j ownz: I GET THAT QUESTION
ladii j ownz: WHATS UR MANS NAME GIRL
amore t a y: me too girl
amore t a y: smh
amore t a y: shawn
ladii j ownz: THEY STARTIN TO SOUND ALIKE
amore t a y: LMAOOO
ladii j ownz: o .. lol .
amore t a y: hahaaaaaaaa
amore t a y: -dead
amore t a y: whats ya mans name?
ladii j ownz: i was bout to be like " hell na . u my mans other bitch . bitch ! "
amore t a y: they call him "problemz" though.. his corny ass rap name
ladii j ownz: Luis grr .
amore t a y: -lmfao
amore t a y: YOOOO
amore t a y: how fucked up would that be if we both were talkin to the same nigga
amore t a y: -ded
amore t a y: dead*
ladii j ownz: well .. mama .. no offense .. buh didnt " problemz " give u a hint ?
amore t a y: i kno rite.
ladii j ownz: rofl . its ok .
ladii j ownz: nuthin like my nigga bein nicknamed daddy long pipe
ladii j ownz: he got on me about bein a slut in the past .. girl .
amore t a y: i told his ass... ya name should be problems cuz u cant even deal wit ya own.. u run from em
amore t a y: LOL
amore t a y: oh man.
ladii j ownz: he is like .. a mondo-ill-get-your-ass-impeached-type-o-slut
amore t a y: oh hell na
ladii j ownz: secretly - i feel nasty when he touches me some times .
ladii j ownz: like .. well be havin sex, and i wonder a lot if he did it the same way with another bitch .
amore t a y: word?
amore t a y: what u mean
ladii j ownz: i dunno .
ladii j ownz: its just startin to bother me we dont have intimate sex .. ya know ?
amore t a y: aww
ladii j ownz: like .. really bother me . im holdin in the tears .
amore t a y: i really hope the only reason for my man stayin isnt cuz im givin him pussy.. i really dont
ladii j ownz: its like .. why were them other trifilin bitches worth the risk, but me .. the only one who made every and any sacrafice i had to for him .. isnt ?
amore t a y: smh
ladii j ownz: it really bothers me .
ladii j ownz: girl ive had a horrible past with men, and life .
amore t a y: you aint the only one shorty.. trust
ladii j ownz: this muthafucker came along and decided it was his job to be dr phil .. and now .. i feel like im worse.
amore t a y: awww
amore t a y: wow.
ladii j ownz: no . not like ..
amore t a y: does he talk to u like u a piece of shit tho?
amore t a y: cuz i know my man does.
ladii j ownz: sometime .
ladii j ownz: he makes me feel real stupid . or just little .
amore t a y: me too.
amore t a y: ugh
ladii j ownz: its usually just cuz hes mad . or irritated .
more t a y: yeah.. everything i say irritates his ass
ladii j ownz: me too .
amore t a y: smh. the fucks wrong wit them?
ladii j ownz: its to the point where i want to be alone again .
amore t a y: they cant handle a female loves their ass
ladii j ownz: i do fine alone .
amore t a y: im tellin u
ladii j ownz: maybe not fine the way he wants me to be .. but im fine my own way .
amore t a y: not me.. ill go crazy without his ass.. it disgusts me
amore t a y: idk if i could do it
ladii j ownz: girl . i feel u .\
amore t a y: like he just comforts me.. n im used to it
amore t a y: what other nigga is gonna do that? NONE
ladii j ownz: hes the only guy .. i felt comfortable enough to be myself with . hes the only guy i act like a girl around .
amore t a y: omg me toooooo.
ladii j ownz: but u know what . thats what i do .. i act .
ladii j ownz: im not girly . im never gonna be girly . i can be ladylike .. but im not ladylike .
ladii j ownz: i can be . but naturally .. im not .
amore t a y: n like when i have problems.. he was always the one who made me stop cryin n tellin me shit was gonna be ok.. and it was ok.. cuz in the end i had my baby to fall bak on
amore t a y: now i dont have shit.. smh
ladii j ownz: i think thats what he wants .
amore t a y: true
ladii j ownz: its also the to point . i dont give a fuck what he wants . i spent 5 or 6 months worried about it .. and whered it get me .
ladii j ownz: nowhere . depressed and second guessing myself .
amore t a y: smh. same fuckin shit with me
ladii j ownz: i was fine by myself . i do fine alone .
ladii j ownz: and as i say that .. a big lump is in my throat cuz i know i dont mean it .
ladii j ownz: but its like damn ..
ladii j ownz: why didnt you just leave me alone .
ladii j ownz: girl i liked him so much .. why didnt he just leave me alone ?
amore t a y: right? why the fuck get us to the point where we're attached to u
ladii j ownz: goddamnit i fuckin hat him . i tell him that all the time . but he will never understand why .
amore t a y: blahh..youre gorgeous.. foreal.. u look mad cute.. we both could do better then this shit.. we're young as fuk too
ladii j ownz: see .
ladii j ownz: thats just it .
ladii j ownz: he made me look in the mirror, and say i was pretty until i felt like i was pretty . until i believed it too .
ladii j ownz: FUCK MAN .
ladii j ownz: HE WASNT SUPPOSED TO FIGURE ME OUT . NOBODY EVER HAS .
ladii j ownz: nobody ever cared to look .
amore t a y: ;/
ladii j ownz: and now .. its like .. why wont he look ?
ladii j ownz: aww .. look .. i cant continue this conversation anymore .
amore t a y: you okay mama?
ladii j ownz: nah yo . this is fuckin me up . i dont need this shit .
amore t a y: me too girl. i just got done cryin a lil while ago.. im drained
ladii j ownz: im fine by myself . i do better by myself .
amore t a y: chest pains.. everything
amore t a y: i wish i could say the same
ladii j ownz: maybe not his fine . but my fine has always been just fine .
ladii j ownz: nothing is ever goin to be perfect . ive learned to deal wit that .
ladii j ownz: but i dont need a man around for me to feel like im alone all the time .
amore t a y: if u think u could do without this nigga.. then do it girl... thas my problems.. i dont think i could go without my bf
ladii j ownz: i kno without him, im not going to want to do these things im doing now .
ladii j ownz: hes the only good support factor i have . well .. not lately .. but he used to be .
amore t a y: -same shit
amore t a y: have u talked to him how hes makin u feel?
ladii j ownz: he dont get it .
ladii j ownz: he doesnt try either .
amore t a y: neither does my fking man.
amore t a y: smh
ladii j ownz: yo . its like a nother parent .
amore t a y: i BET ur man doesnt treat u the way i get treated tho. im dum as fk for even stayin with his ass
amore t a y: he makes me feel so unwanted
ladii j ownz: girl . i cant even kiss him .
ladii j ownz: he doesnt let me . not ever .
amore t a y: WHY ?
ladii j ownz: i dunno .. but i already said i dont wanna continue this . this is why .
ladii j ownz: i am so fucked up .
ladii j ownz: i dont know what to do about this shit .
ladii j ownz: but i dont know why he is that way .
amore t a y: what the fuck.
ladii j ownz: hes killin me . and i didnt need him to stop me cuttin myself up just so that he could do it .
amore t a y: how long has that been goin on ?
ladii j ownz: i dont know . i mean .. we pop kiss .. but never kiss . ya kno .
amore t a y: i feel u
ladii j ownz: its always been like that . only a few times weve kissed .
ladii j ownz: yo . i wanna be kissed .
ladii j ownz: i wanna be kissed so passionately my knees buckle and the hairs on my neck stand up .
amore t a y: aww i feel u girl
amore t a y: u have NO idea why hes actin like that?
ladii j ownz: at first it was ok .. sex with him was great because it felt good to be with him .
ladii j ownz: now .. bein with him feels so good it hurts .
ladii j ownz: i cant have sex wit him again . im afraid next time, he wont touch me the way i want him too .. like .. with passion and emotion and im gonna not be able to handle that .. again .
ladii j ownz: theres been like two or three occassions where i wanted to cry riight at the same time as bustin a nut .
amore t a y: smh. is it us? or is it them? why the fuck r we havin problems?????????????
ladii j ownz: i cant do it .
amore t a y: was ur realtionship good n the beginning??
ladii j ownz: they say its us gettin too attatched .. even tho they wanted it like that and just now .. cant handle it .
amore t a y: exactly
amore t a y: so what do we do?
amore t a y: let them have their space?
amore t a y: n then theyll realize what they had?
amore t a y: idk what the fk to do
ladii j ownz: it was perfect girl . we talked almost every night .. hed spend hours explorin my body while we talked about dumb shit like books or tv rofl .. go out to dinner n talk .. go to the movies n just have fun ..
ladii j ownz: girl . i let him have his space . which is why im trippin .
ladii j ownz: i noticed i was trippin when i went over there and started thinkin maybe hes fuckin his roommates bitch .
amore t a y: he is actin worse now that ur lettin him have space?
ladii j ownz: - cryin .
amore t a y: see i dont trust my man.
amore t a y: aww dont cry mama.. we dont deserve this.. its hard.. im holdin in
ladii j ownz: yo . he talks to her . he tells her " if u make dinner ill eat it " but wont tell me to make dinner earlier in the day so i can do it .
amore t a y: see he lived with me n NY for a year cuz we were so in love.. then the fights started.. bkah blah.. so he moved back to miami.. so we're FAR as fuck n dont see eachother alot.. i dont trus his ass
ladii j ownz: he makes her seem like shes the perfect girl cuz she does EVERYTHING for her man .. i mean shell wipe his ass if he asks .
amore t a y: smh
ladii j ownz: but .. atleast shes his girl . and even tho she cant do nuthin at southbeach really .. they go out there and walk around or something .
amore t a y: thas the thing... i do everything for my man n get shitted on.. so i dont do it anymore
ladii j ownz: im really startin to hate bein 17 .
ladii j ownz: but why should i have to hate me for something i cant control ?
amore t a y: tf? girl why u hate it?
amore t a y: u can get into clubs or some shit?
ladii j ownz: i could . but i cant hang out with my friends . they all niggas . i hate broads .
ladii j ownz: he wont step foot in an all ages . hes 22 .
amore t a y: -same fuckin shit
amore t a y: OMG
amore t a y: i hate femalessssssssssssss
amore t a y: u dont even fuccin know
amore t a y: get a fake ID.. go to the clubs he goes to
ladii j ownz: i dont want to be apart of that scene right now .
ladii j ownz: im in school thursday an friday night .
ladii j ownz: i dont like drinkin .
ladii j ownz: im never going to fit into his world .
ladii j ownz: to be honest . im contemplating leavin him .. even tho i know i cant .
ladii j ownz: i might need to . ya kno ?
ladii j ownz: if he aint happy . im not gonna be happy .
amore t a y: true
ladii j ownz: i was happy .. and started to realize this shit .. so its like .. wha was i happy about ?

fuck it .. smoke a blunt

:: 2005 4 August :: 9.03 pm
:: Music: Ms.P teaching VB 6.0

fuck it .. smoke a blunt

:: 2005 3 August :: 1.55 am
:: Mood: defensive

♠¬ Chat Convo
ladii j ownz: sup ?
the shxt: aint nan
the shxt: like i was saying
the shxt: - jamaican .. and i dont date black females.....i refuse to now.
the shxt: reason being
the shxt: a black female has no clue how to appreciate or hold onto a black dood because in her mental
the shxt: if hes black.. shes black.. automatically .. hes pose to be attracated to her regardless
the shxt: and thats the SAME with hispanic men
ladii j ownz: thats not true at all
ladii j ownz: i dont think that way
the shxt: because your hispanic.. they AUTOMATICALLY expect u to like them
the shxt: regardless
the shxt: so all they gotta do si approach u and say a few things.. flash some money and a nice car. say a few sweet words
the shxt: and in there mental
ladii j ownz: no
the shxt: u should already be intersted because yall speak the same language
ladii j ownz: not no money
ladii j ownz: not no car
ladii j ownz: see
ladii j ownz: im not like that
the shxt: im not saying like that
the shxt: but im saying it in a sense of
ladii j ownz: thats what i dont understand
the shxt: they see u being hispanic.. so why appreciate ur culture?
the shxt: your just like them
the shxt: what is there to learn?
the shxt: what is there to get to know?
the shxt: u do the same dances.. party in the same club. .speak the same language.. eat the same food
the shxt: you CANT mix water with water.. and expect to taste fruit punch
the shxt: its insanity
ladii j ownz: lmao
the shxt: i can put money on it
ladii j ownz: ur right .
the shxt: if YOU were to attempt
the shxt: to talk to any other culture
the shxt: i BET money
the shxt: you'd see niggaz a whole new way
ladii j ownz: yo
ladii j ownz: this is te first hispanic guy ive dated
ladii j ownz: look
the shxt: what kinda guyz have u dated b4
ladii j ownz: white, black .. mostly white .
the shxt: smh @ mostly white
the shxt: oh god
ladii j ownz: lol
ladii j ownz: jewish .. lol
the shxt: you dated a bunch a tasteless tacky
the shxt: oh god
ladii j ownz: rofl .
the shxt: no wonder u see men as garbage
the shxt: ugh
ladii j ownz: dont make me feel any worse
the shxt: for shame
the shxt: geez
the shxt: but yo
the shxt: how can u take ur past of dating a bunch of idiotz
the shxt: and condemn an entire race of people
the shxt: all niggaz are different..
ladii j ownz: cuz ive always been condemmed a slut
ladii j ownz: by men
ladii j ownz: men who never got it
ladii j ownz: men who did
ladii j ownz: so fuck em all
ladii j ownz: yo
ladii j ownz: i was a virgin
ladii j ownz: but stiil a slut
the shxt: because thats just a typical loser type nigga
the shxt: a nigga only has he EGO
the shxt: you get to it
ladii j ownz: look it doesnt matter
the shxt: he has NOTHING
the shxt: so what is he gonna do
ladii j ownz: none of this shit matters
the shxt: try to lower your esteem
the shxt: and down talk to u
the shxt: so u feel like shit
the shxt: so he can feel superior
ladii j ownz: liek i said . none of this shit matters .
the shxt: yea it do
the shxt: because if u took the time out
ladii j ownz: ima buy a buncha dogs when i get money
the shxt: to actually know certain people
the shxt: experience different cultures
the shxt: you;d learn ALOT more
the shxt: EVERY dood youve dated has all had the same characteristics
the shxt: i bet all of them .. youve been attracted to for the SAME reason
the shxt: or similar
ladii j ownz: andwhat woould that me
ladii j ownz: be **
the shxt: i dont know
the shxt: i dont know who u bene with
the shxt: thats on YOU to think about
ladii j ownz: well ..
the shxt: and put ur finger on
the shxt: and say
ladii j ownz: it doesnt matter
the shxt: damn hmm
ladii j ownz: its in the past
the shxt: no
ladii j ownz: its old
ladii j ownz: fuck it
the shxt: ur past is in ur present
the shxt: and gonna stick to ur future
the shxt: cuz how u are now
ladii j ownz: then im always gfonan be a slut
the shxt: the GREASTEST guy
the shxt: can come to u 2morrow
ladii j ownz: nothin more to do about that
the shxt: just random
the shxt: and you'd look at him stupid
the shxt: cuz in ur mind
the shxt: he thinkin ur a slut
the shxt: and only want pussy
the shxt: when all u had to do
the shxt: is talk to the dood
the shxt: maybe that dood could give 2 shits about ur past
the shxt: who u been with
the shxt: ur sex life
the shxt: all he wants to do is have a good life with u
the shxt: nothing else
the shxt: but how would u know
ladii j ownz: it doesnt matter
ladii j ownz: it doesnt matter
the shxt: you cant live with that mental
ladii j ownz: it doesnt matter
ladii j ownz: iam be rich
ladii j ownz: thats al that matters
the shxt: being rich doesnt make men act better
the shxt: only gonna make them get worst
ladii j ownz: well .
the shxt: cuz now they gonna see u as rich pssy
the shxt: so they gonna try to get u to buy them anything
ladii j ownz: then that proves the mentality never changes
the shxt: no
ladii j ownz: im not gonna continue this
ladii j ownz: it doesnt matter
the shxt: the menality
the shxt: in the men YOU date
the shxt: wont change
the shxt: question
the shxt: have u ever been with a guy
the shxt: that all he wanted to do
the shxt: was get to know who YOU are
ladii j ownz: yeah
the shxt: experience YOU culture
the shxt: YOUR*
the shxt: didnt give a damn about sex
the shxt: or doing nothing
the shxt: but just being with u
the shxt: you ever had one a those
ladii j ownz: actually .
ladii j ownz: no .
the shxt: exactly
the shxt: reason being
ladii j ownz: yo
ladii j ownz: im not continuing this
the shxt: you DONT take that tim eout
ladii j ownz: ur gonna make me mad
ladii j ownz: just leave it
the shxt: see
the shxt: ur gertting upset
the shxt: cuz u know im RIGHT
ladii j ownz: ok so ur right
ladii j ownz: happy
the shxt: smh
ladii j ownz: drop the fuckin subject
the shxt: nevermind
the shxt: be easy
ladii j ownz: u kno .. i tried to not look for guys .. so that a guy like tha would come along . buh u kkno wha i got .. i got niggas who would stay around gettin to kno me for as long as it took to get some pussy .. afet that .. htey were out . so ur right . maybe i dont take the time . but it dont matter cuz im not gon do it anymore .
ladii j ownz: my plan is to finish schcool and be by myself .
the shxt: im not saying nothing more to you......cuz no matter what i tell you......your typical choice in men wont change
ladii j ownz: i do good that way
the shxt: so your gonna still be miserable
the shxt: so why beat a dead horse
the shxt: i have nothing else to say

fuck it .. smoke a blunt

:: 2005 31 July :: 11.43 pm
:: Mood: accomplished

♠¬ Good .. I guess?
eastsideman2004: hey was up
ladii j ownz: nothin
ladii j ownz: lol
ladii j ownz: tell me if this is a good thing or not
ladii j ownz: ur brother was an asshole this morning, so i havent called him all day .
ladii j ownz: and then .. just now .. he called me .\
ladii j ownz: good thing or no
ladii j ownz: hes been touchy about me givin him his time .
eastsideman2004: its about time u dont fukin call him in a hole day wat did he say
ladii j ownz: this mornin he blwe up .
ladii j ownz: he blew up this morning .
eastsideman2004: i mean just now
ladii j ownz: he was like "when u call me u say two words to me, and hang up " n i was like .. what the fuck .. isnt that what you wanted . me to just leave u alone all day ?
ladii j ownz: just now " i was just calling to say hi "
eastsideman2004: dats so good
ladii j ownz: n when i asked him if he wanted me to call him before i went to sleep, he said kinda .. enlightened " call me later " .
ladii j ownz: n he said " bye " nice too .
eastsideman2004: dats good
eastsideman2004: so u gonna call
ladii j ownz: before i go to sleep yes
eastsideman2004: r u gonna b mad
ladii j ownz: not anytime before it .
eastsideman2004: good

haha .. pretty much explains today .

fuck it .. smoke a blunt

:: 2005 28 July :: 3.12 pm
:: Mood: distraught

♠¬ Smh...
i dont know if im just bein crazy or if me thinking this is alright .. but hes getting bored if he isnt by now .

last night i tried and tried not to cry about it but i had to . i couldnt stop it . he doesnt like it when im around, when i talk, when i call .. not even when i touch him or try to i kiss him .. im no longer what he wants . so what do i do ?

its not hard to remind myself that hes really not my man .. but the thought slips so easily everytime i see him . i need to stop acting like a little kid . i need to stop worrying so much . i need to not grow up so fast . i need to stop acting like i know everything . hes older he knows more so hes always right . hes goin through his own shit right now, he needs to change himself .

QUESTION:
why does he get to have his cake and eat it too ?

i dont know what to do anymore . im l o s t .

fuck it .. smoke a blunt

:: 2005 27 July :: 12.18 pm
:: Mood: content

♠¬ Another Day
well .. once again im pushing it . i should be home right now but instead im here at luis's . my decision of course .. just .. i dont know .

luis has been askin me for space and hes right .. i dont give it to him . but every time i do something the way i want to .. like .. ok .. im trying to " be better " so im really usin my brain .. however .. its still the wrong approach .

im gonna go home today and probably stay there for the week . ima try atleast . course i got school thursday and friday .. so ill probably be goin crazy by friday after class or if im lucky saturday .

moms probably mad . i was supposed to go home yesterday but me n luis got into an argument that led up to one of those brilliant moments that actually looked like i confused him for once .

he has no idea how much im in love with him . im startin to scare myself .. mostly because hes right about a lot of things . i am scared that hes gonna just up and go find a new girlfriend . but hes such a good man that its like .. that possibility is sooo likely and just .. not a good experience . hes been hurt before .. and hes still hurtin unfortunately .. another bitch would take advantage of that and fuck with his head . here i sit bein burnt at the steak becuz i care about him and dont want him to be a miserale asshole for the rest of his life . he says i try too hard and that if i didnt try so hard things would be better . but i know deep down inside that if i didnt try so hard he wouldnt take me as serious . although i admit lately ive been wanting to just take time to myself but its like when im by myself all im doing is thinkin of him .

my dad says hes using me but the only way i can figure thats possible, is if hes using me to get over his exes .. which isnt a good thing or a bad thing . the way i look at it atleast hes getting over them and then maybe he can be with me without holding back .

the funniest part of me sitting here writing this .. is i dont even know if what i am saying is true . he does care .. ive been with him for long enough to notice when he cares about something or someone . i just wish instead of always having to figure it out on my own, he would tell me things .

whatever tho .. doesnt change the fact that hes my baby .

fuck it .. smoke a blunt

:: 2005 24 July :: 2.57 pm
:: Music: Missy Elliot - Can't Stand The Rain

fuck it .. smoke a blunt

:: 2005 21 July :: 10.10 pm
:: Music: Mrs.P Teaching VB 6.0

fuck it .. smoke a blunt

:: 2005 18 July :: 10.18 pm
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: Sublime - Santeria

fuck it .. smoke a blunt

:: 2005 17 July :: 11.50 pm
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: Relatives Babbling

fuck it .. smoke a blunt