"Sometimes" I'm dreamin about tomorrow, I'm thinkin of yesterday, I consume myself in sorrow this moment in time is what I betray, I am searching for the answers I look around sometimes I get sad, 'Cause I don't know which way to go, I look around sometimes I get sad, 'Cause my life is spinning out of control I never know what you want, I never know what you need, it was different from the start, when you cut me in two I never thought I would bleed, but I am searching for the answers I look around sometimes I get sad, 'Cause I don't know which way to go, I look around sometimes I get sad, 'Cause my life is spinning out of control I will go this alone I don't need nobody's help, I've got to do this myself, Alone, Alone, Alone, Alone I look around sometimes I get sad, 'Cause I don't know which way to go, I look around sometimes I get sad, 'Cause my life is spinning out of control I look around sometimes I get sad, 'Cause I don't know which way to go, I look around sometimes I get sad, 'Cause my life is spinning out of control


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And Fire's a Beautiful Sound

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:: 2005 5 November :: 9.53pm
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: weezer-say it aint so


say it aint soooooo
your drug is a heartbreaker

yeah...my last entry was about bobby
why not this one.

my fingers are still cold.

yeah halloween....drove to northandover....got gamble, drove my first bowl cruise. lmfao so funny. went to salem WITH KATE!! omfg i love her so much. then i took like 100mg of this fucking w.e. and like freaked out n left.

i also munched oon like a fucking gram of mushrooms. and was so fucked up omfg.

me n joe r gonna be come friends like relly good ones.


today was crazy. eh yeah.

bobby talked to me on halloween.
was like omfg
then a couple times on the following days. i wish i could record vocal conversations.
id listen to his voice over and over.

i kinda miss rob.

ok i really miss rob. not that we were together long enough to like..have things to miss about eachother but...eh

i wanna squeeze his fat. lol. and bathe him.

im supposed to be hanging out with this guy joe tommorow from my history class.
i hope it happends.
i need someone to want me.

fucking going crazy over bobby.

like...no idea


but then like...nada

im also like...sucking in school. it needs to stop.

turn to ashes my dear (leave a message)


:: 2005 12 October :: 8.45pm
:: Mood: cold
:: Music: nething like...depressing

been a while...
yeah i no

its been forever.

been 18 days since he ended our friendship.

i dunno what to do with myself. every 5 mins im crying.
taking pills, getting drunk or stoned. whatever to dull the pain.

i think i love him.

that might be the problem.
except i dont know whether its love or obsession. or something else

my last entry was about him too. i dunno.

he didnt go to my birthday. or hang out with me at all during the summer. i didnt leave. i didnt do anything except make the emotional pain he was causing me visible. summer pretty much sucked. it had its good points. warped tour. gamble. not being such an uber virgin nemore. lots of drugs sex and rock and roll. sleeping on katie beemonamon's porch. gamble puking. me getting alc. posoning for the first time. ozzfest. more drinking. more being pissed at bobby. more everything. more im not a good person. less cutting. dont think thats good tho. got my licence in march or w.e.

yeah. wow.

my fingers are cold.

i dont know why this hurts so much.
like..i cant believe it. he came into my work with some stupid whore. left while she bought w.e. then she left. and i flipped out and had to be relieved of my duties at main cash regester. they had to shut down the photo lab early. then two days ago..he fucking drove past me n waved to me. he went past his house...up the hill..n drove past fucking me and waved. seriously. wtf did i do to deserve feeling like this. god

its not that i want to die
its that i dont wanna live

i hate kim and jaycee.
they r just so dumb compared to him. and josh lost jess n still hasnt let go. not that i blame him.
jess is like...fucking retarded to. i dont know wtf is up with her. n fucking danielle
wow whatever.
"ive been wicked anti social lately"
yeah wtf get over urself im trying to be ur friend n ur like ILL WAVE THAT WILL MAKE UP FOR EVERYTHING

wow its like waving is the new screw yourself.
wheres brian
hes like the only brainless smart person around. even gamble pissed me off.

dunno what to do about kim n jaycee
if i stop hanging out with them i wont have nething to do.
even less people to talk to
i think im just using them neways.
im such a loner.
not that im proud im just thjinking out loud.
wow its like i really am alone.
and i dont want some stupid comment from a random stranger YOU CAN TALK TO ME LALAL
i dont wanna talk to u
i appreciate it
i really do.
but ur not real. ur just words on a screen you cant make everything better.

i like...wanna go to bed. its 8:54

gurney. hes not a shit head. he knows whats going on n even tho hes not all like AWW IM SO SRY >< its good.
hes a good friend. i wish he didnt graduate yet. i woulda like... i dunno. been better friends with him. hes got a girlfriend. i think im jelous.
i wanna be in the photo room right now...making prints n such. only place i like.

i wonder if hell talk to me again
i dunno
maybe in like...a month.
i wonder if ill make it. if ill get over him by then.
i dont know. im so confused about my feelings for him.
maybe thats why i cant get over it.

im gonna go read my past entries.

ill probably update again.

turn to ashes my dear (leave a message)


:: 2005 21 August :: 11.13pm


i cant even read our fucking conversations without wishing i was dieing.
why do i feel like this? u know, i dont fucking get it. i care about you so much and u jsut dont. i thought u told me that i cant pull any more bullshit with u other wise it would be the end. thats it. ur gone.
you fucking lost the piece of paper. yeah fucking right i fucking ahte how u do this to me. u just decide that hey u no what i dont fucking care. nope bye. thanks for comming

0:04:58 PM): dude losing u as a friend is not at all what i want

hey guess what
...wow yeah
i fucking
dont know. what do u want from me. do u want to be my friend? i dont get how its not ok for me not to tell u things i dont wanna cuz there stupid, but no i FUCKING do somethng n ur like whatever i was lieing and u no what im not gonna drop this cuz its fucking so lame. u fucking drop what ever the fuck u are thinking cuz i dont fucking get it

"please just let it go. let this one go. theres nothing more to it. just stop."

I FUCKING MISS u. i saw u for hey guess what a stupid half an hour this summer. thats it.
yeah ur working
yeah im working
yeah u dont wanna hang out with me
i know that

what the hell

and ur the only person i can talk to about this
and u dont care
what the fuck is that
fucking u tell me
i dont fucking care that oh shit i care about u
omfg i just want to forget about this
wow holy shit i wanna talk to u
look at that
n ur not there

no u know what it is

what the fuck
i dont even know

2 And the wings that you burn..... | turn to ashes my dear (leave a message)


:: 2005 8 August :: 10.10pm

Ultimate Survey (377 questions long)

Created by illusen and taken 54244 times on bzoink!

time started10:11
full namealison *a**li*e hunt
nickname(s)ally, bitch
where were you bornbeverly
zodiac signvirgo
hair colordied it natural red looking like a month ago
eye colorbrown
shoe sizelike 10n a half or w.e.
ring sizei hate rings
skin type (freckles, tan, albino, etc.)like...white/tan with some freckles
blood typei dunno
piercingsears but i dont like em
colori like em all
foodnumber 57 sauce on side @ the wine cellar
type of cheesei dunno nething but like provolone
pizza toppingroasted garlic
salad dressingcaesar
sandwichplain ham and cheese
cerealtoasted almond something...something with almonds n helathy
fruitgreen apples
vegetablecorn on the cob
berryi dont like berrys
bookhmm...all of garth nix's books, harry potter
moviehmm..starwars, braveheart
magazinelego magazine
newspapersalem evening news
tv showbuffy
websiteeh..i dunno
radio station107.3, 104.1, 101.1, 101.7, 108, 106.7
fontit cahgnes
cartoon characterzim, kenny,
artist (painter)i like nething that intrests me
actortom cruise
actressthiss girl in this movie i like...i cant remember her name
cdlike too many to pick
songsee above
music group^^
music typenething but country, screaming death, and freak religious music
day of the weeki dunno
monthi dunno
seasonin between summer and fall where its cold enough to were a sweatshirt and warm enough to sleep outside
holidaymy birthday
shampooherbal essences
phrasedont worry about it untill it happens
storei dunno, book store? barnes n nobel
weathersee favorite season......or when its warm and raining
channel24-31, 54, comedy central
teacherms. denesco
weekend activityhaving a good weekend
hangoutdane st
house colorsomething darker so it doesnt look dirty when it gets dirty
sport to watchbaskettball
sport to play^^
floweri dunno
guy's namejust a normal guys name
girl's namenething normal
board gamechess. strageto,
party gamespin the bottle
story from childhoodwhen i swore at old ladies over cheese
body parthands
have you ever
been on a trainyup
been on a planenope
been in a car accidentnah, almost tho
caused a car accidentnope
run into a wallhahay eah
burned a potato chipi burned a tosteto
almost burned the house downnope almost did tho stupid microwave
been drunkyeah
been highyeah
broken the lawyup, a couple
burned a cd (if yes, the one above is yes)yup
kissed someone of the opposite sexnr
kissed someone of the same sexi think so
frenched an animalnah
made outnope
had cyber sexlmfao yeah
gotten engagednope
had an online relationshipnope
been rejected by a crushhaha the story of my life
made yourself cry to get out of troublenope
cried in publicyeah
cried over a movieyup
fallen asleep in a movie theaternope
given someone a bathno
been to a boarding schoolnah
been home-schoolednope
lost a valuable itemhaha oh yeah
bungee jumpednope
met the presidentno
met a celebrityno
gotten a cavityyeah
shopped at abercrombie & fitchi wanted to buy a shirt there once cuz it had squirrel written on the back but i didnt have ne money dont ask lol
made a prank callhahahahahah
skipped schoolyup
faked sick to get out of schoolhaha yeah
purchased something that you knew didn't fityeah...
climbed a treeyup
fallen from a treeyes
broken a boneyup
sprained anythingyeah
passed outi almsot did from non drug related activities once, n ive passed out one other time
made yourself pass outnope
been to disney worldno
been to a theme park (not disney)yesh
said i love you and meant it (not to a relative)no
made a model volcano (working model)nope
made a clover leaf with your toungenope
what did you do yesterdayyesterday i went to the homecomming fireworks amd jaycees family birthday party (wow its scary how long it took me to remember that)
memory you miss the mostlast year this time. was the happiest time of my life
memory you want to forgeteh...
something you regretted after it was doneim trying to make sure i dont regret nething nemore
the last
song you heardi love you always forever by donnaalweis dont ask im depressed right now lmfao
cd you boughtoh gosh...its been so long. before christmas?
thing you saidill call u later or something
time you criedlast night
movie seen in a theatercharlie and the chocolate factory
thing you atedoritoes
person who calledkim
nail polish shade wornred
time you showeredthis morning
person who complimented youmark i love u mark lol
at this moment
what are you listening todonna lewis
what are you wearingpants red shirt
what are you thinkingthat gamble is weird
what are you scared of mostbeing alone forever
how many people are on your buddy list156, i dont talk to 22 of them
occupationphotographer for national geographic
marriage sitei dunno
place to livei dunno thinking about this is making me depressed
carsomething like inbetween car and truck
what are you doing tomorrowworking 4-10 and adviodiong my friends
do you think george bush will be reelected...
will there be a wwIIImost likely i hope im not alive for it
will politics ever be truthfulno
will humanity snuff itself outprobably
can the gov. be changedno
best friendbobby
loudestjaycee when drunk
craziesti dunno all of them are
skinniestjaycee or jamie dalton
best secret keeperjess
worst secret keeperme
the one you have but don't wanteh i dunno
smartestjess josh gurney, mark
preppiestjaycee jamie
most hyperall of em
weirdestall of em
biggest pervertgreg
most annyoingdepends
shyestnone of them reallty
most religiousbobby jon
do you believe in
heaveneh no, but one of my friends is changeing that for me
hellsee above
ghostsid rather call em spirits
spirit (soul)yeah
love at first sightlust at first site
love in generalyup
who and when was your first crushjames ogorman in the 3rd grade. i realized i liked him after he moved away
any noweh
a celebrity crushno
who do you want to be with right nowbobby
whos number do you wantgambles
who do you want to kisseh
what is something you dont understand about the opposite sexlol, wtf they are thinking
if you could go on a date with anybody, who would it belol...only u know who u are
on scale of one to ten, how romantic are you8
first thing noticed about the opposite sexif they will look at me when talking to me, if they can make me laugh, hands, if they bathe
what do you look for personality-wisesomeone who can make me laugh, and someone who can hold a deep conversation with me
biggest turn onbeing confident and just, being a cool person
biggest turn offnot bathing, insulting me or my friends. put downs
something thay weat that turns you onsomething i can grab n hold on too
something they wear that turns you offsmelly clothes
the most romantic thing you want to happen to youjust someone to be alone with me n realize that they love me n tell me and be speachless
the most romantic thing that has happened to youbobby told me he used to like me?
what do you wear on a coffee datewtf is a coffie date
is it right to flirt if you're takennope
is cyber cheatingonly if ur into it
are eyes the passegeway to the souleh that or words
who would you like to take to the prombobby lol
do you want to hug somebody right nowyeah
do you know what an aphrodisiac isJess (10:55:31 PM): something that makes you like..horny
mellowwhat i try to be
melancholyi used to no what this means, im too tired now
the perfect datehaving one?
the perfect mate^^
how m&m's are madei dont care chocolate is gross
why manhole covers are roundcuz we are fat?
one or the other
glass half empty/half fullhave empty
colored pencils/markerspencils
cotton/feather pillowcotton
long distance relationship/nonenone
mechanical/regular pencilmechanical
that 70's show/simpsonssimpsons
romantic comedy/thrillereh neither
peanut butter/jellypeanut butter
movie at home/in theaterat home
first thing you think of when you hear
red lipstickpale face
cowtippingwhat? lol
moulin rougesex
harry potteris awsome
redrose red (good movie)
blackberryblackberry three days old... dont ask
bill clintonis fucking retarded
whipped creaminhale
george w. bushfucking more retarded
dreamsi wish...
guysare fucking so lame
south parkis awsome
boy bandsnsync n how long it took me to spell that
thongfloss for ur ass
spoonsits like a thousand spoons when all u need is a knife
junk mailsucks
dairydear dear diary i wanna tell my secrets, ive been a bad bad girl...
pantieshehe gootta be nice
your fatherhate him
pizzais good cold
britney spearseh
are you
bitchycan be
crazycan be
messyorganized mess
nerdcan be
selfishcan be
violentcan be
pervertedcan be
artistici hope so
what color is your jacketred
do you shaveyes
wherearmpits, legs, crouch
what color is your razorpink
what size is your bedqueen maybe
what color crayon would you beclear
what are the last four digits of you phone number7719
feelings on abortionif its in the first 3months ok
how lond does it take you to showernewhere from 5 mins to 1 n a half
what does your screenname meanused to be evilgirl28666 but now its girl of evil28666 n its about a shirt that used to say evil on it and then the 28 is feb. 28th and 666 is ...
thoughts on blonde pop stars in generalstupid
who so you trust the mostbobby
is cussing a necessity in lifeeh it helps me get everything out as quick and properly addressed as possible
how about coffeenope
is the world screwedyeah
what something you cant live withoutbobby
what time did you fall asleep2?
know what 69 meansyeah,
how about 143yeah
can you live without a microwaveheh already tried this and no
what do think about deathgonna happen
where and when do you want to be married...
do you want to drop out of schoolno
why is the sky bluecuz the ocean is blue
what is a good trait about yourselfim...sarcastic?
what do you always think aboutbeing alone
what is wrong with your schoolits stupid
what is right with your schoolnothing
how do you react to changenot easily unless its like...needed
do you talk to yourselfsometimes i space
what is your opinion on lovei want it?
can you afford to lose weightpfft yeah
what color would you dye your hairred red
best thing anyones told youi used to like you
what is your reaction to someone telling you you're hotliar
does being psycho appeal to younr
if you wrote a book, what would it be aboutthe meaning of life, its already started
what would you change your name toeh i dunno
longest crush lasted how long3years
tme finished11:17

Create a Survey | Search Surveys | Go to bzoink!

1 And the wings that you burn | turn to ashes my dear (leave a message)


:: 2005 7 August :: 10.49pm

so i just tried to fill out this 200 survey

clicked the x by accident like 2/3rd way through

should have like a warning thing pop up before it lets u close it

1 And the wings that you burn | turn to ashes my dear (leave a message)


:: 2005 26 July :: 11.03am

from 7/20
JON122412 (11:23:52 PM): umm idk ive always just thought of us as friend[s]

so much for liking him for 2 years

turn to ashes my dear (leave a message)


:: 2005 13 July :: 10.33pm

today i dunno
smoking sucks
i forgot to breathe...n almost passed out.
that was a little new
i really hope im not burnt out too bad for work tommorow
cuz that will suck
even tho mr. laubner is working
i really want bobby to be online...
just being on makes me feel so much safer and like..ok
danielle called me today.
oh damn i wasnt home
ill call her tommorow
eh yeah
saw jon with alanna today
they were at dane st. sitting on a bench...
so much for thinking that me n him only did that
oh fuckin well
i wanna find a fucking guy
so bad
its not funny
so im not in this goddam boat all by myself
and having a guy i think will just make me feel better about everything
i dunno
fill the void
cuz my friends just dont cut it.....
my friends dont but blades are better
yeah that was a little scary
im taking a step farther into cutting
i dont really care if neone has a problem with me typing this so the whole world can see
i need somewhere to get this out
and u dont know me
so just chill and keep reading or go somewhere else
so yeah...
cutting is now at a higher level.
for some reason i want to like..carve big hunks of skin out
and just see a big hole
that looks like a slice of an apple or something
maybe like a skinny D
yeah im tired
ill tell u about my next couple days then im going to bed
tommorow work 4-10 GROSS
friday OZZFEST
saturday i am locking myself in my room
and sunday work 2-10 GROSSERRRRrrr
hehe i get paid tommorow too
k im going to bed

turn to ashes my dear (leave a message)


:: 2005 12 July :: 2.56pm

im fine
im fine
i am fine
this is me
i dont care
im listening to music
my mom is gonna be home in like 40mins
and shes gonna be pissed
probably take away the computer but thats ok
because it is
and i know it is
and when she tells me this
i will be ok with it
and it wont matter
because i dont care
i dont care
what she says has no power over me
so what i didnt get it in the 3 days i could have
oh damn i was busy
but see
thats ok
everything is ok everything is good
im good
there is nothing bad about not having the computer
ill get it back in a few days
nothing matters
she is weak
i am not
everything is ok
i have better things than the computer and it is ok
i am ok
i am going to go to work at 3:50
and i am going to be ok
it will be a quick shift
because it is not saturday
it is tuesday
and i am fine lalala
lol its gonna be ok
i am the only friend i need
i have myself
and i have...yeah...i know what i have
and its ok
because it always works
and i am calm
and it is ok
and today will be fine
i will be fine
i will be fine
its all good
its gonna go by quickly
ill leave here at 3:50 get there at like 3:55. wait untill 3:57 to punch in. then find ms. kien or ms. taka or luckly mr. laubner and say "im at main right?" and ms kien and ms taka will say yes to that mr. laubner might say no and have me just face the store which would be awesome because then i wouldnt have to talk to anyone or talk to customers and just face everything which is fine. but most likely i will be at main. which is ok because im used to being at main. so yeah, i will wait till 7:30 to go on my break...maybe it will happen sooner, maybe later, but it doesnt really matter because i am fine with whatever happens, because i will come home and get something to eat. and wait untill 10mins before my break is up to leave and then i will go back spending the remaining time doing whatever the managers want me to do. which is fine, because i work there and i get paid more than all of my friends besides dan. but see
im ok with it
im ok with it
i dont need to think im not ok with it becasue i really am
i am perfectally fine
yesterday was fun. i just thought it wasnt fun because i had a mood swing
im so stupid like that
but its ok
becasue i am fine
i am fine
i am fine
i am fine
i am fine

turn to ashes my dear (leave a message)


:: 2005 11 July :: 10.58pm
:: Mood: let down
:: Music: sublime-date rape

yeah...so hes not gonna give me this paper thing with his thoughts on it
that kinda sucks

he didnt say he wouldnt...just...he wants to think about it.
thats a no in disguise....

guess im out...

old habits never felt so good

turn to ashes my dear (leave a message)


:: 2005 6 July :: 10.57pm
:: Mood: eyes...burning...
:: Music: REO Speedwagon- Keep on loving you

oh yeah...
note to self

yeah...today was seeing jess cry for the first time. and like actually bitching at jon a little haha. i think he knew i was pissed at himm

jon (7:02:33 PM): hey i can hang out for like 45 minutes if you want?
me (7:02:41 PM): nah thats ok
jon (7:02:58 PM): danm lol im bored
me (7:03:11 PM): u can come here if u want
me (7:03:15 PM): i have people over
me (7:03:24 PM): lol seems like u only hang out with me cuz ur bored
me (7:03:27 PM): haha sry
jon (7:03:34 PM): ya pretty much
jon (7:03:36 PM): lol no
jon (7:03:43 PM): you just right there so i can
me (7:03:47 PM): yeah
jon (7:04:00 PM): and i wanted to hang out today
me (7:04:09 PM): yeah i did too
jon (7:04:20 PM): h/o ill ask

blah yeah he came over for like 30mins. sat next to me on little couch n watched t.v. was all like elbow on my leg n i was like wtf is that....yeah still fucking turned me on as hell at the fact he was touching me and i could feel his warmth. ahh...
hes so f'ing hott
saw like...the shadow of bobby today. cuz he gave me and jess vodka. like gave wtf. didnt really do nething i got a little buzz n jess was fine..it might have made her cry a little more easly than she would usually but yeah...jess is awsome.
but yeah..little spooked by nice bobby. heh...
god i miss him too.
ACTUALLY SPOKE to dave. it was awsome he like..remembers who i am. BLAH hes so hott
k i need to like...stop liking boysss. not that i should liek girls and not like there is a problems iwth that but YEAH. screwed up my a.i.m. so now i dont have robs new sn. OH WELL who cares about him.
kims gonna probably be pissed cuz I DIDNT HANG OUT WTITH HER OMG I HAVE FREIDNS BLAHBLAHBLAH. yeah its OK for her to ignore me in school cuz brit is a bitch but no i cant have a life. sry bout that.

so yeah i def. wanna do good in school next year. i gotta get my classes all set and ish. blah blah

hopefully work monday tuesday and thursday(4 to 8 or 9) piano wednesday (whatever time) and drums friday (as early as possible). and like..weekends to crash and i dunno when im gonna practice anything but i need the weekends. heh...hopefully kien will let me. she let me take back my hours before so yeahh
shouldnt mind. i havent seen her in like a couple weeks either. hopefully i havent fucked up nemore like the whole i scanned a coupon for cigs. when i no i didnt. oh well. haha. take the fuckin money outta my paycheck. doesnt bother me i fucked it up.
so yeah. i am like really fucking tired and i gotta work 6hours tommorow AND i gotta space out for a whilezz. oh shit
i gotta wrap my moms present too..heh
so yeah.
sry for bitchin but its MY journal.

turn to ashes my dear (leave a message)

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