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:: 2010 7 March :: 2.55am
:: Mood: none
:: Music: none

I definitely don't like dubstep.

I keep buying packs of cigarettes and I think I smoke about 1/5th of them, the rest divided between Pat and Griffin. I started buying cigarettes to even out all the ones that I bummed from Pat and Griffin but now they just don't ever have them anymore and I keep buying them. I only want two or three per night and they each want at least three to five per night. I am starting to notice. I think I'm going to stop supplying them and see what happens.

The people that like dubstep are not people that I tend to want to be around. I also don't really like the music. I don't like the music itself. I don't like the dancing associated with it. I don't like the style associated with it. I do not have a good time in a dubstep setting. I was disappointed to come to that conclusion tonight, after having paid $10 to go to a dubstep show. I did not know it was going to be dubstep. I kind of already knew how I felt about it - I wouldn't have gone knowing it was dubstep. While I was there I thought a lot of things. I thought of a lot that I wanted to write about, but now I am really pretty tired and I've lost most of it. That's really disappointing but I'll get back to it eventually.


:: 2010 3 March :: 4.01pm
:: Mood: none
:: Music: none

The past few days have been different. When I step back and out of myself I can see that the changes of the past few days are the best thing and that I need to become accustomed to them, but as I live and breathe in my own body and mind I cannot help but become upset and anxious at how things have been. We only talked briefly on Sunday night, after what happened Saturday. It was positive and made me optimistic. On Monday we had a relatively brief but nice and friendly conversation, followed by a shorter one much later. After that things became different. No more talking at all. She initiated no conversation with me at all. Same with Tuesday. Same with today, so far. And no text messages or anything of the sort. It appears that her interest in me in any capacity, friend or otherwise, has completely waned. If that is true, my attempts to keep things going will yield nothing and will only bother her, and put me in a sad, weak position. However, on the other side of that coin, it means we will just not talk anymore and that's the end of everything, and that makes me pretty sad too. I can't be the one to initiate the conversations at this point. Things are much too shaky and uncertain for me to text her randomly and start talking to her the way she did me all this time. Also, Saturday night was a confusing situation for me. She was drunk, and I would never have allowed anything to happen, but the fact that she consciously did not want anything sexual to happen but did want me to hold her through the night was a strange thing to me. She wanted me to hold her, she held my hands, she stroked my thigh, but still in the morning she maintained our distance, and after that she ceased contact with me. That is such a strange thing. That perplexes me so. I would feel so much better if only she would talk to me. Being fully aware of no romantic potential, if only we could continue talking it would help me to relax so much.

I know deep down that I should just forget it. The whole thing. The friendship, the more than friendship, whatever else. I should just let it all go and get the fuck over it. It's just really difficult because I feel like that's exactly what she is doing, and she seems to be having such an easy time of it, and it really fucking hurts how easy that is for her. The idea that my last two weeks have been the worst in years and that she is just having a good time and doing her own thing. It was nice, at least, when she was depressed and talking to me about it. It was comforting that she was unhappy too. I didn't feel so alone that way. But all of a sudden she has become this beacon of light and happiness, and with that she has lost interest in me completely. Even interest as a friend. That sucks. That's worse than it was before. It almost feels like she needed me when she was down to help make her feel better, and now that she feels better she doesn't care about me anymore. I've served my purpose. That makes me feel really shitty and very alone. What I need to do is what she is doing, or at least appear to. I need to appear happy, social, no problem here. That would be good for two reasons. One is the message that it would send her. The other is that it would help me meet new people, who would then help me get over her. If the latter actually works, then the former won't really matter. Vice versa applies. But I'd like for both to happen just in case. And you know what? I bet neither will. I'm not even close to being in a position to meet people and look happy, and I bet she wouldn't even notice or care if I were. This sucks. I hate this so much. This is the worst feeling to me. It's not the first time I've felt it. It's the worst feeling I've ever had and it's the worst position to be in. Of all the shitty things I've felt and all the shitty positions I've been in, this is the worst. I want it to be gone. I want this semester to be over. I want it to be May 5th right now. On the whole, at this very moment, I feel as though my life genuinely sucks.


:: 2010 2 March :: 1.23pm
:: Mood: none
:: Music: none

Today I have not been able to concentrate. I can't sit still and I can't focus on anything and barely feel capable of communicating with others. I am having some trouble breathing as well. Last night I watched 500 Days of Summer. I have seen it before but watching it in my current state of mind was difficult and changed something. What it changed, I'm not sure. Whether it was positive, I'm not sure. Also difficult last night was a lack of conversation which left me feeling unsure about the state of things. Right now the things running through my mind alternate between the following: the really nice times I had with her and the things about her that I like, how I'm going to miss those things, how I wish I could continue to enjoy those things, how maybe I will be able to again, how stupid it is to think that, how she's treated me and what it means, what I could have done to bring this on, how it'll be easier for me to find someone else from here on out, how difficult it is to find someone else, how she will find someone else easily and I will have to deal with that, and so on. I'm basically switching back and forth between two opposing ideas. One being the regret, confusion and empty optimism of trying to work things out with her and what I should be doing to achieve that, which makes me kind of crazy and does not allow me to focus or relax ever. The other being the idea of totally forgetting about her, trying to find someone else, taking a deep breath and moving on. Clearly the latter is what I should be focusing my energy on and trying to accomplish, but as I consider it, I think of how difficult it is to meet someone at all, let alone someone that has the qualities that I really want in a girl. I also think of not only how easy it is for her to meet any new guy she wants, but the fact that she will indeed, and she will be just as happy with him or even happier. Those things just bring be back down to feeling crazy and I go back to thinking about the first idea. It's becoming a cycle and I don't know how to fix it.


:: 2010 19 February :: 2.17am
:: Mood: none
:: Music: none

I'm having a really hard time right now. I'm working more hours per week than I ever have while in school and my classes this semester have the heaviest workloads I've experienced yet. Those aren't even the things really upsetting me. If nothing else were going on, those things would bother me but not like this. And I do like the extra hours at work it's just hard. And I've been pretty lonely for a long time but I've been managing it alright and not letting it get to me too much. But then someone was really interested in me and I was so unsure at first and I was so guarded for so long but everything that happened between us encouraged me to calm down and let myself really like her and so I started to. And we had so much fun and liked each other so much and then it just stopped. Somewhere between leaving her house Monday morning, both of us still glowing from the day before, and mid-Tuesday, a switch flipped and everything changed. Maybe it was because we tried to flip a different switch too early. Maybe that was my fault, maybe I misread her. Maybe I did a ton of things that I thought were innocent and fun and playful that actually really upset her. I spent Tuesday night and all of Wednesday and all of Thursday racking my brains trying to figure out what it was and I came up with several possibilities and it upset me so much thinking that those little things could have ended this so abruptly, that things I did because I got too comfortable or too excited or too confident may have completely ruined everything. And then finally she told me it was just not a good time and she doesn't want anything serious right now (but also doesn't want to go back to being casual, at least not with me) and assures me that I didn't do anything and basically says "It's not you, it's me" in every way possible without actually saying it. But it's obviously me because switches like that flip for a reason, and this wasn't the relationship switch. This wasn't her wanting to take back what we decided on Sunday - this was the end of the official relationship as well as whatever it was that we had before that. It's just so difficult to think about and it's honestly a little frustrating because I feel like she began and ended this entire thing at her own volition and I was kind of along for the ride and the hurt with no real control over the outcome. I was so reluctant and through her actions and her behavior and her treatment of me she convinced me to open up and to like her and then when I really started to she changed her mind and shut it down. I feel like it was a no-win situation. I feel like I was toyed with and made to chase my tail and do flips, like I was part of some experiment in human nature, and I know that that's not true, I know that she would not do something like that, and I know that her feelings were genuine at the time. But I can't help feeling like I was just a ragdoll in this. And the question "If I could take it all back, would I?" is also such a tough thing to think about because no, there were no real leaps or bounds brought forth from our time together, it was just casual and intimate fun, but it's something that I've had so little of and have yearned for so much that even having it for a little while was great. But that is probably why I can't get fucking Peter Godwin out of my head today. "It's images of heaven that take me to hell." I can't stop repeating that line in my mind. I wasn't the happiest and I longed for something more for a long time, but when I finally got it, it was so brief. It was an image, a snapshot, and now that it's gone I feel even worse than I did before. I've gotten a taste of what I desired so much and then the plate was taken from me. It's not even fully about this individual. It's about some sort of intimate companionship in general that I desired, which was to be supplied to me through someone that I was quite fond of. I don't feel like there is much more that I can say but I don't want to stop writing.

I have another major problem and concern in my life which began literally on the first day of this year. I can't even say what it is. Only one person that I care about even knows what it is. I feel so much pressure, I feel like everything is filling me up inside and has no way to get out. I can't say the whole of what I feel on any given subject to anyone. People know that different things are bothering me but I will not let them know really how much I am bothered. I'm embarrassed to let anyone know how upset I am about my current situation because to everyone else I was dumped by someone that I only saw for a few weeks anyway. There is no one that I trust with the idea that I am just so unbearably lonely and that is why this upsets me so much more than it should. And I have so much trouble with this because this is one of the areas that I feel truly and completely inadequate. Unskilled and helpless. There is so little that I feel I can do to change this situation. When I try, I either fail or I feel so uncomfortable with my actions and behavior that I make myself stop. No one can help me with that and no one is comfortable hearing it. My family members would feel for me but have no way to help and it would only upset them and make them uncomfortable. My friends are the same way. I don't want pity and I know there's no real way to help. I don't even know what I want. I just want an unbiased and objective listener. I just want to say how I really feel, how I honestly, deep down, truly feel on these things, without some kind of judgement or pity or loss of respect. I guess that's why I'm writing it here. I doubt anyone will see this. I just can't open up about this because I want so much to be a strong and self-reliant person, I want to be able to handle on my own anything that I'm dealing with, and I do that so often and have been for years but my problems now are becoming so great and overlapping so much that I just can't take it. I want for summer so desperately because I know that all of these things will be over when summer starts. But summer won't be starting for a long time still and these things are not gone. I feel so alone. I wish there were one person that I could open up to completely about everything. Even a romantic interest or a real girlfriend I could not tell, because I think my real feelings would scare her or overwhelm her or make her feel pressured and then that switch would flip and I'd be back where I am now. I don't know what to do.


:: 2010 3 February :: 6.52pm

Dear June 21st 2006...

I'm gonna do it!!!!!!!!!! Yyyaaaaayy!!!

1 Illuminated My Path | Shed Your Light


:: 2010 14 January :: 7.48pm

Life's not fair.

Shed Your Light


:: 2009 10 December :: 2.00am
:: Mood: none
:: Music: none

I'm finally starting to realize what exactly it is that I mean when I say that a movie "is like a play," which is always a negative with me. This fucking movie, Brief Interviews with Hideous Men, directed by John Krasinski, is redeeming itself in only one way: it's bad in the ways that I find several movies bad, but it's SO bad in these ways that I can now actually put some labels and descriptions on what exactly it is that bothers me so much. Woody Allen is good enough to keep me, though unhappy and uncomfortable, from figuring out why I hate what I'm seeing so much. And as I'm writing this, fucking John Krasinski - through his directing and acting simultaneously - is shoving in my fucking face what sucks about these movies. This is seriously driving me nuts. If I had hair I'd be pulling it out.

A lot of Woody Allen movies have done this lately, especially Whatever Works and Melinda and Melinda. Now this movie Brief Interviews with Hideous Men is doing it hardcore. I always say that these movies remind me of plays and that I don't like them. That's incredibly vague and almost always comes off as a considerable put-down to the entire theater industry, which I never intend. However, I've never really been able to describe it any more clearly than that. Play acting and play writing are (and should be, in my opinion) completely different things with completely different styles than screen acting and writing. Every time people try to (or accidentally, which is always how it feels, and which is much worse) blend these styles it ends up pissing me off and making me really hate the movie. And it's not because I don't support the ideas of branching out or blending, but because on film, traditional play acting and play writing just do not draw me in the way that I need to be drawn in to a movie. When I'm seeing a screen, there's a soundtrack, shots change, etc., things have to be done a certain way for me to actually become absorbed. There is a TON of flexibility within that. It's not rigid at all. But every time it's done with this play acting and play writing style, you can bet it's making me feel alienated and leaving me untouched.

What I mean by play acting is this: Speaking very, very clearly, steadily, no stuttering or stumbling or "uh" or "like." Using a vast array of different adjectives and big fancy words. Being sure to use at least one, sometimes two or three, great, smart-sounding adjectives for every subject. Speaking formally, having your words arranged in such a way that it seems you knew EXACTLY what you'd be saying in this sentence, word for word, about four sentences ago. It's basically like if someone were to throw a bunch more big words into one of these journal entries and then read it out loud verbatim. And that's how they speak conversationally. That's what it's like. Usually emotions seem very fake and forced and these people just don't seem REAL when they're able to describe their feelings so god damn clearly and eloquently in the middle of a casual discussion or emotional argument. And on that same note, any movement, facial expression, physical action is always so perfectly timed and obviously premeditated that it's often very obvious that the actor is consciously doing it. A little of their mind is taken from their performance to lean back and look to the left exactly as the director said to. Facial expressions drive me crazy in these movies. Watching this actress, what's her name, Julianne Nicholson? try to look thoughtful and observant is like torture to me. It's not fucking real at all and it completely pulls me away from the movie. Woody Allen does this all the time and this movie I'm watching now does it too. It comes off as so pretentious and aloof that I just can't get around it and enjoy what I'm seeing. It is the opposite of the human condition.

And what really doesn't help the movie is having characters breaking the fourth wall (or at least coming close) to describe to me their thoughts, or what the events on screen really mean. Do you really have such little respect for your audience that you designate a character or two to just speak directly to them and give them all the answers? Shit. I mean, maybe some people prefer it that way, but personally I'd rather just see what happens and be able to draw my own conclusions from it. Maybe I'll come to the wrong conclusion, maybe I'll get from it something the writer did not intend at all. Maybe my friend will think of something different and we can compare. But when you just tell me what happens and why and what everyone was thinking and feeling at the time... it just removes completely any possibility of active engagement with the movie. It really puts me in my place as a spectator, and for movies I do not like that. Don't get me wrong. I love a good voice-over narration. Little Children is awesome. But while it uses big words and smart writing to convey some points that the characters themselves cannot, it still leaves me asking questions and pondering for myself. In the case of Little Children specifically, the narration makes me do those things even more.

I don't really have an end for this, I'll probably come back to it later and edit it and finish it. Actually I probably won't. But I'll think about it!


:: 2009 18 October :: 8.59pm

Life.....just sucks. Still in a rut that I'm trying to pull out of. I've changed so much in so many ways since a little over a year ago. I don't even remember the person I used to be. But I AM getting better, and I'm becoming a better person and I suppose that's just the way I should take it.

7 Illuminated My Path | Shed Your Light


:: 2009 24 September :: 11.37pm
:: Mood: none
:: Music: none

I found this scrawled in the back of one of my notebooks and for a long time didn't even remember doing it:

I come in at 6:30 on the dot and there are a few prime spots open. I choose not to sit by Biglips as I can have more space on the other side of the room. Mouse walks in with two chairs in front of her, hesitates, and makes the trek to sit right next to me in the far corner. At first I am baffled by this. Why me? Why ruin the little extra space I get? And, from being in this course this long, she should know how bad a spot she picked. No view of the TV. But she keeps her distance and I accept her presence, begrudgingly. The teacher still isn't here. Tall Metalhead walks in with a bag full of food, and shortly after, the room fills with what I hope is onions but what I think is BO. I am quite annoyed. The teacher still isn't here. I listen to Nice Jewish Girl talk with Weird Photo Girl about a film set. I become slightly jealous of her job. The room smells terrible. Mouse is so mousey. The teacher arrives and we get started. Finally. He makes a reference to the fun from last week, and I suddenly wish I could remember what we did. Then it happens. I hear a terrible, slurping, wet chewing sound from my right. Shuddering, I turn to see the source. Mouse is eating grapes. I rub my face, slowly, with my hands. Mouse must be some strange hybrid creature: the sounds do not coincide with the movements of her mouth. She must have some set of mouths inside, each chewing a section of grape while she moves her jaw up and down. I think on this quite a while. These sounds make no sense to me. I cannot take it. It starts to drive me insane. I'm clenching my teeth, flexing my muscles, rubbing my face. She asks me if she can borrow my notebook. I pass it to her without a word. When she returns it, she apologizes. I forgive her in a nice tone, implying that she had no need to say sorry, which is true. The teacher announces that we are going to another room. She has trouble, her coat becoming stuck on the table. She makes a joke. I smile. I am totally creeped out.

Shed Your Light


:: 2009 28 July :: 11.04pm
:: Mood: annoyed

There's a burning smell in my apartment that's not going away. We called maintainance, but they only come out for emergencies.

...So what's an emergency? Hopefully the fire department around here doesn't work the same way.

3 Illuminated My Path | Shed Your Light


:: 2009 28 July :: 8.26pm

I know I said I'd never update here again. Yeah. Well, I wanted to write up a Q&A to perhaps explain some of my choices last year.

Read more..

I don't know if this'll answer all the questions anyone might have. I don't care if you think these answers are lame. They're mine and they're legit, albeit a year late. I'm sorry if I left anyone in the dust. If anyone cares about this pathetic life of mine still: I'm engaged to Troy (yes, that horrid person) and we're planning on getting married next year.

I love and miss you all.

2 Illuminated My Path | Shed Your Light


:: 2009 16 July :: 10.04pm
:: Music: Mos Def - Quiet Dog

All about yourself...the survey.
Created by adawg and taken 427948 times on Bzoink
All about yourself...
First name?:: Shannon
Middle name?:: Alyssa
Like your name?:: of course
Named after anyone?:: not that I know of
Any nicknames?:: Sunshine, little Sha-nay-nay
Age?:: 19
Birthdate?:: 2/15/90
Birthplace?:: GR
Time you were born?:: ??
Current location?:: Tampa, FL in my apt
Height?:: 5'4?
Like your height?:: yeah
Eye color?:: brown/green
Contacts/glasses?:: both
Hair color?:: brown/blondish now
Natural hair color?:: darker, auburn brown
Dye your hair often?:: nope, never
Righty or lefty?:: righty
Your favorite...
Type of music?:: indie, R&B, bhangra and on occasion, rap
Band or singer?:: Regina Spektor
TV show?:: Degrassi
Movie?:: Breakfast at Tiffany's?
TV channel?:: eh... CNN?
Radio station?:: WBULL
Place to be?:: w/ my friends in Michigan
Thing to do?:: kayaking
Food?:: pizza
Non alcoholic drink?:: V8 Splash
Alcoholic drink?:: vodka and sprite or SoCo
Animal?:: zebra. definitely
Holiday?:: Valentine's Day
Season?:: summer in MI, fall in FL
Sport?:: ...kayaking
Place to shop?:: Forever 21
Clothing brand?:: none
Restaurant?:: IHOP
Fruit?:: peaches
Vegetable?:: taters
Fast food restaurant?:: Taco Bell
Pizza topping?:: pineapple
Ice cream flavor?:: Cookies n Cream
Magazine?:: Rolling Stones
City?:: Tampa, for now I guess.
Color?:: pink
Number?:: 5
This or that...
Chocolate or vanilla?:: chocolate
Pepsi or coke?:: coke
Hot or cold?:: cold
Black or white?:: white
Dog or cat?:: cat
French toast or pancakes?:: pancakes
French fries or onion rings?:: ugh neither
Hamburger or hot dog?:: ham.. burger?
Pepperoni or sausage?:: neither
Britney or Christina?:: Christina can sing.
McDonalds or Burger King?:: Burger King
50 Cent or Eminem?:: Eminem
Canada or Mexico?:: Mexico!
Hug or kiss?:: kiss
Movies or TV?:: movies
Truth or dare?:: dare
Do you...
Shower daily?:: yup
Sing in the shower?:: of course
Like to sing?:: yup
Like to dance?:: uh huh
Smoke?:: no
Drink?:: once in a while
Cuss?:: depends where I am
Talk to yourself?:: yes. Tampa has made me nuts
Believe in yourself?:: in what situation? I'd say mostly yes
Play an instrument?:: guitar? sorta?
Go to school?:: yup
Go to college?:: USF
Have a job?:: Camilles
Like your job?:: sure. I just got a raise
Want to get married?:: yup
Want to have kids?:: yeah
Get along with your parents?:: yup
Get along with your siblings?:: yup
Drive?:: yes
Do you think you're trustworthy?:: yes
Think your funny?:: yeah sometimes. I'm horrible at re-telling jokes
Ever toilet papered someones house?:: I was involved in the act. That's all I can say.
Gone garbage can tipping?:: no that's lame
What are your parents names?:: Michael & Stacey
Siblings names?:: Brandon, Jess, Stef
Do you wash your hands frequently?:: yes
How many time a day do you brush your teeth?:: four
Collect anything?:: no
Ever been in love?:: infatuated
In love right now?:: no
What color pants are you wearing right now?:: blue skinny jeans
How does your hair look?:: HOT! I'm going to a party
Ever had your heartbroken?:: mmhmm
Ever broken the law?:: sure
Been arrested?:: nope
Been out of the country?:: Canada
Can you stick your fist in your mouth?:: no
When was the last time you got drunk?:: Magic's game
Do you do drugs?:: no
When was the last time you were high on anything?:: never
Do you prefer the lights on or off?:: on
Would you ever get plastic surgery?:: no
Do you prefer boxers or briefs?:: boxers
Do you like to laugh?:: yes
Ever had a bloody nose?:: yes
Have you ever caught a fish?:: yes
What was the last thing you ate?:: a poptart
What time do you go to bed?:: whenever
What's your favorite color?:: ugh
Do you like to give or recieve?:: recieve
Are you obsessed with anything/anyone?:: nope. maybe facebook?
Do you live alone?:: yes sorta. I have roommates, but it's pretty much just me
Do you own a blender?:: no
Do you like the snow?:: no
Ever been up a mountain?:: no
Ever been rootin'?:: no
Do you like surprises?:: yes
You've been totally Bzoink*d!
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2 Illuminated My Path | Shed Your Light


:: 2009 26 June :: 3.03am
:: Mood: none
:: Music: none

This evening, before the Germs went onstage, I had Shane West autograph a DVD copy of A Walk to Remember. Kelly and Claire disappeared for a while and reappeared with backstage passes. While the Germs were onstage, Kelly was behind them taking pictures. I joined her and remained onstage over to the side during the show and had a good time. Afterwords, the drummer Don brought Pat, Griffin and I onto the trailer and we spent some time with some members and helpers of the Germs. It was quite an enjoyable and memorable experience. I am glad that it happened. By the end of the night I think everyone but Griffin and I felt pretty bad, but aside from that the night was awesome. Shane West was definitely peeved by me. He was annoyed that I had him sign the DVD of A Walk to Remember, but then was probably even more annoyed by the fact that the girls he befriended (Kelly and Claire) were friends with the douchebag that had him sign A Walk to Remember. When we parted ways he admitted that I had bothered him, though Lorna Doom and Don Bolles were both very fun and friendly. Pat Smear was distant and aloof, but that was OK.


:: 2009 24 June :: 3.48am
:: Mood: none
:: Music: none

It's not 3:48, it's 4:37. Obviously it was not necessary for me to add to my last post. There was more to tell but it doesn't matter and it's better the way it is.

I am terrified of how I feel tonight and how I've been feeling lately. I hate it. The movie I watched tonight was great and it made me very upset about things in my own life. I don't even really have anything to say. I don't know what to do to help myself and no one else has been very good at helping me. I don't think anyone has tried very hard but neither have I and it's no one's responsibility but my own. I just don't really know what to do.


:: 2009 26 May :: 12.47am

Warning - I may use too many unnecessary big words to be intelligible.

I know that when I look upon these words in the future, I will feel only distress and intensely debilitating low self-esteem. But I also know that this is the most eloquent that I have been in months. Not necessarily the most eloquent, strike that (it was still good enough for me to refrain from hitting the backspace button) - but the most eloquent COMBINED with the feeling that all I would like to do in this moment is express my deepest thoughts and most recent encounters.

All four people that care the most about me in this world (which I know is an exaggeration due to my lack of recognition of family members and humans absent from this current experience of mine) are locked in the bathroom next to me. Not locked by any technical or physical means, nay - locked in at my request. "Stay in this room and leave me alone, so that I may write in peace." Expressed in obviously less intelligible dialogue than what I have just provided for you. I have added this a few minutes later, but I have only the deepest respect and admiration for the fact that my companions are heeding my requests and leaving me alone to write. So let me start from the top. The top to bottom, the entire twelve floors of my thoughts this night, are my experiences and my worries.

First story - I have seen a very regular and very friendly customer whose name I will not divulge (but I will give you a hint - think dinosaurs) twice today. The first time I had just eaten lunch. I felt terrible because I had just eaten for the first time in a day and a half, and I ate way too much for my then-fragile stomach to handle. But I was definitely excited and kind of satisfied, in a very innocent way, to see these three regular customers. Satisfied because I have expected this entire time to see a customer, and finally I did. The second time I see these people will be saved for a later story, because I'm worried about my capacity to tell twelve stories.

Second story can be that I met an EMT and told him too much personal information. I told him my first name and where I work, which is enough to destroy my tiny life. He assured me that he was trustworthy and only cares about each person's well-being, which as I write now is the most calming thing I've heard all night. But I have been so worried that my honesty will come back to bite me in the ass. He specifically asked me for only my first name and which store employs me. Fuck. But I think he and his friend, after much discussion, are trustworthy. They did both agree that I am too trusting, but also not to worry. I think that brings us back to a theme from my last post and a recurring theme in the past two weeks of my life: I am too trusting. I am not suspicious enough of people and their potentially deceptive motives. I think that would be well-worded if not for the prominent "ve" sound in two consecutive words. Sorry, digression. I don't think I have anything to worry about in these EMTs, but I am worried about my own nature. I doubt I am the worst person they spoke to that night because they said a lot of people can't even say their own name. But it sucks how much information I willingly gave up.

The third story is of a girl in a gray halfshirt with short blonde hair. She and I were both desperately thirsty, and she got some water shortly after we spoke on the subject. She shared her water, and even told me to drink more of it. This is an action of Biblical proportions in the sense

I will come back to this later! I thought I lost it all, and here are my thoughts on that subject: "I had two hours worth of well-worded, intoxicant-influenced thoughts written here and the button that I clicked to share it with all of you is the one that spelled my certain doom." But thanks to Griffin and Mac computers, I have it back, and will finish it in the future.

Shed Your Light

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