Just another disappointing day. After these past few weeks of excellence having Jen and Scott, Steph and John, and Rach things have been so nice. The fireworks, bonfires, going to the beach, I had yet to start thinking about N.C.
This morning, I drove to town for boxes in which I returned home to fill them. I started with photo frames, looking, reminiscing, crying. I texted Meg this and her response was polar opposite of what I expected.
Basically, I quit my job for no reason, told everyone I was leaving, was starting to get excited to be with my sister away from this drama filled town- all for... Nothing.
If I'm not ready for school, quit shoving it in my face. Who's to say when I will be? ME. Don't keep saying 'come live with me' if you don't want to accept me for me. You're supposed to be my best friend. Not the wall I'm supposed to climb.
Today has taken a shitty twist. Especially when I woke up after an awful dream, trying to keep a good mindset by this:
'U can spend minutes hours days weeks or even months over-analyzing a situation : trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened - or u could just leave the pieces on the floor and move on' -Tupac
I'm still so sad here. Not here, but where Mousseau and I stand.. I can't seem to accept the fact that it won't work. He still visits my dreams, I see him almost every weekend, not by choice. I don't fail to admit I'm running from him. Running from what I thought was a perfect love story. I just want to be wrapped in his arms. I feel infatuated. Want it to go away so I don't have to be sad kel anymore :(
Fuck fuck Fuck
Fuck you, Chris Mousseau. Fuck you with a big fat punch in the face for making me feel this way!!! I wish I could hate you with every cell in my body but that's impossible for some reason. Fuck you for the things you said, for the shitty ways of breaking my heart not once but TWICE. Fuck. You.
Fuck you for meeting other girls and adding them on fb and saying you miss them just like you used to miss me. Fuck you!!!!!
Things are still hard. You're still on my mind. It drives me crazy. You, drive me crazy. I just want to feel normal. Waking up last night you were the first thing I saw. Across the room, which was my first problem in itself. My knees gets weak, the butterflies start fluttering, organs have dropped to the floor. I freeze up and think of everything I want to say, only for it to come out silent and unheard. I never thought a breakup could be this bad. I miss you so so much still, everyday you're on my mind. I miss your voice, the feel of your skin, your laugh, your face. I just miss you, so much. So so much...
2011 11 June :: 2.40am
:: Mood: creative
:: Music: "Love you till the end" By The Pogues
What Is Love
A love all-commanding, all-withstanding
Through a year is my love;
A grief darkly hiding, starkly biding
Without let or remove;
Of strength a sharp straining, past sustaining
Wheresoever I rove,
A force still extending without ending
Before and around and above.
Of Heaven 'tis the brightest amazement,
The blackest abasement of Hell,
A struggle for breath with a spectre,
In nectar a choking to death;
'Tis a race with Heaven's lightning and thunder,
Then Champion Feats under Moyle's water,
'Tis pursuing the cuckoo, the wooing
Of Echo, the Rock's airy daughter.
Till my red lips turn ashen,
My light limbs grow leaden,
My heart loses motion,
In Death my eyes deaden,
So is my love and my Passion,
So is my ceaseless devotion
To him to whom I gave them,
To him who will not have them.
2011 22 May :: 11.31pm
:: Mood: distressed
:: Music: Ingrid Michaelson
I just can't seem to get it together and things are getting worse. Worse in a sense that I'm back on bad things because it's easier to get high then to accept reality. It's easier to sit here and cry or walk on the beach with my headphones blaring and cry. It's easier to be sad than happy.
And I keep telling everyone I'm okay I'm okay I'm okay like maybe I'll start believing it and it's so hard to convince others when you can't even convince yourself, but who really wants to hear that I feel broken and lost and so damn alone when they ask how I am?? It's like I'm falling apart again and I hate being so helpless but I keep thinking really horrendous thoughts when I'm driving or when I'm walking on the beach but I just want to be alone, all alone with nobody to talk to just so I can cry and grovel in misery.
I was clean for almost a year. I made it almost a year. A year. A fucking year!!!!! We'll see where it goes from here.
Living with you.
I love it right now. I thought moving in together was going to be scary and uncomfortable, but its not at all. It's fun, it's easy, it's happy, it's comforting knowing I'll wake up to you every morning. No more missing you for weeks at a time. No more holding a pillow wishing it was you in bed with me. No more distance. Sure, we've had arguments, but nothing major, and the tension doesn't last. You always know how to make me feel better and break my walls down. You know how to make me laugh on days where I don't even want to smile. You are the most amazing thing in my life, and I wouldn't trade it for the world. I love you. I love sharing a bed with you even though you hog the blankets, I love going grocery shopping with you even though you're all over the place, I love our disorganized, qwerky, sometimes upsetting life together.
All that I am,
All that I ever was,
Is here in your perfect eyes,
They're all I can see.
If I lay here,
If I just lay here,
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
2011 16 May :: 3.41am
:: Music: Mean - Taylor Swift
It's those things you hate about yourself that someday someone would love about you.
I don't understand why I'm getting calls, just to say hello or goodnight. I'm finding myself overanalyzing this stupid situation over and over and getting nowhere. I love the sound of his voice, it makes me all warm and cozy. And the cute birthday voicemail I got last night from him. Why must we play games? I'm over this stage in my life; we're adults and he needs to grow up and figure his shit out. It's not like I'm putting forth much effort to stop this so-called 'friendship'. I just want life to be RIGHT again. Right.