Life
So, I'm sitting at a desk in an office answering phones, drinking coffee, and typing on the computer. On top of that I'm talking to crazy men who walk in asking for my mother and grandfather and don't know me. And who are now on a mini-tour of the facilities with a man I have known as grandpa Duane for my entire life. Yep, I'm officially out of school. Or I could be. Up until today I thought I'd hate working in an office, but it's not that bad really. I enjoy it. Plus it's really not too busy yet... which is good. And JD's bringing me lunch later. I love him... what a sweety?! But yea this is really weird. I feel all grown up. Like I'm totally not in high school anymore. I even had coffee in the "break room" while watching MSNBC or some such news program. Yea, that's just nuts. I like today... going back to school tomorrow's gonna' seriously suck after this.

Now onto the only way I can tell I'm still 16. HIGH SCHOOL DRAMA!! See last night JD came over after work, and we hung out. It's so weird when we do that though, because we both still feel the need to act like we're together. Example: I said something to him joking around and he tackled me, basically, but when I looked up at him he said "You want to kiss me." And I said "yea, but I'm resisting the urge", then he kissed me. It's so hard not to revert back to our old ways. Although I do like friend JD better than boyfriend JD most of the time. And I think I like myself better now too. But I still like being in his arms. Last night we went upstairs so I could show him my new stuff, and we ended up just laying on my bed talking about last spring break. And while we did this he just held me, like it was all okay again. Like we were still together, and still in love. I missed that a lot. We're so much happier now. It's crazy.

Okay, enough thinking about that. It's just messing with my head more.

I'll talk to you guys later. Have an awesome last day of break all. Love you mucho.

XOXO,
Jacqui

UGH!!
He's SO stupid! I swear, I have no clue how I can go from loving someone to hating them so fast! He's the biggest bastard EVER! Why did I like him so much? And how the hell did it last this long? Seriously! It's bull shit. I'm not usually one to put up with shit too long, but I did. And now all he does is piss me off with his immaturity and manipulating. Yea, and he tells me to grow up?! Ugh! He's draining... the biggest drama queen of the male sex I swear. I fucking want to kill him half the time!! I'm so glad I have Spring Hill this weekend. I need a break. Especially one where I get to hang out with Heather and Shelly the WHOLE time! We're all bringing tons of food to snack on in the cabin late at night. Plus this other chick, Michelle or something, is going to be in our cabin now too. She seems nice.

So, Swirl. What do I do? My friends are begging me to go... but I don't wanna'. I'd have no date, and all my friends do this year, so I'd be very alone. That'd SUCK. Hard core. Yea... I don't know. Maybe I should just organize a get together elsewhere or something. Although my grandma, mom and sister are trying to make me go to the dance too. They actually said they'd pay the ten bucks for the ticket if I'd agree to go. So if I do I'm taking them up on that.

Anyway, now that I'm done venting, although I still feel the need to throw something REALLY hard against the wall, I'll go. Chao loves. XOXO.

-Jacqui-

Fuckin' boys
I am in love with a boy. A boy who is no longer my boyfriend. That's right kids, JD and I are over. It sucks. Crying sucks, breaking up sucks, seeing the sympathy in everyones eyes sucks, not hugging him sucks, not kissing him sucks, not being able to touch him at all sucks. But do you know what sucks more than any of this put together? Trying to be his best friend. That's why we broke up ya' know. To get back on our feet, relationship wise, and set the ground work for it. We didn't do that at the beginning, and we think that may be why we've been fighting so much lately. So yea, not something I'd recommend. Don't try to be your ex-boyfriends best friend... at least not starting the day you break up.

Last night was terrible, trying to figure out what to do next. We kissed good-bye a hundred times. We just cried together, only wanting each other. Is this really the best way to fix things? Do you think it'll help? I don't know. I just want everything to be good. I love him so much. I don't like losing him. I told him I don't know if I want this to bring us back together. Because I don't want to chance ever feeling this way again. Lonely... being lonely is the worst feeling in the entire world. And it can't change, no matter how many of my friends tell me they're here. Because that spot can only be filled by the one I love... and he's not here. He won't be here... because it's over.

I had a bad day...
Can't he just care? Is it so hard for him to just hold me and make me feel better? Last night all he could really do is say "It's gonna' be okay," but today he could've helped. He could've just come over, or brought me to his house. ANYTHING! All I wanted was a hug and his love. But I got nothing. Even when we said good-bye after school he wasn't paying attention. He just kept talking to Jeremy and ignoring me. I said "I love you" and he didn't even hear me! Then I said "bye" and he still wasn't listening. I was a foot from him and talking loudly, he just didn't care. And now we can't hang out at all, just because of this stupid weather. (and his refusal to go to an f-ing basketball game.) So, when I figured out today was a no-go I asked him to hang out tomorrow. But no, of course not. He's hanging out with Caleb. And we couldn't possibly all do something together. I just love that. When the two of us hang out, Caleb's ALWAYS invited, but when those two hang out I'm shunned. It's so stupid!! I swear, all I wanted was a really big hug from him. That's all I really needed. Instead I get yelled at, argued with, and hung up on. How wonderful is that? Man, what an awesome boyfriend. I told him it'd be nice if he'd at least pretend to care once in a while... he just said he was gonna' go. I let him. I really didn't know what to say after that anyway. I didn't want to talk to him about anything anymore, becuase I was too mad. I still am, but I really do wish he'd call me back and tell me how much he cares, and how sorry he is. But he won't... cuz he's JD... and he thinks he can get away with anything. And he can... because I let him. It's my fault... it's always my fault...

S.W.E.E.T.
Truth. It's odd, everybody seems to think something different of it. Can there really be truth with all the opinions on right and wrong? What is really true, and will we ever really know for sure? It's been so twisted and screwed up so many times that it just doesn't seem possible to find anymore. I don't know. Some people think God's word is truth. Others believe science holds the key to real truth. It's all really a matter of faith, isn't it? My faith is in God, but somehow I feel like that's not necissarily truth. Not always. Maybe truth changes as time changes. What's true today isn't necissarily going to be true next year or in 10 years or even in a week.

Kinda' interesting to think about isn't it. Truth just depends on faith, trust, and knowledge. So my truth may not be yours. Now, will SOMEBODY PLEASE tell the Supreme Court that? Or how about the President? This is some screwed up stuff man.

Anyway, I'll leave you all to ponder truthfullness, even the truth in this little entry.

Love always,
Jacqui

This SUCKS.
So, we kinda' broke up Sunday... then we un-broke up. It was complicated. Now we've been trying to decide what to do. He won't just talk to me about it though, of course not. He just says "I don't wanna' deal with it right now". So I tell him that he's never going to want to deal with it, but he's gonna' have to. We need to talk about some stuff to decide what's best for our relationship. But no, we can't. Which just pushes me closer and closer to the end-it-now side. NOT GOOD.

Ya know what's really weird about all this though. We'll fight and be angry and talk about possibly breaking up, but we still say "I love you" when we say good-bye. It's just odd, I mean, I'll probably always love him... he is my first love... but wouldn't ya' think after talking about breaking up we'd just be too angry to say it? It's silly.

I don't know. I'm so glad we had a snow day today. I was seriously up WAY too late thinking about stuff... not just JD stuff... work stuff too. And exams... oh lord exams. Not good.

Anyway, I'll get going now. Love ya'll, Chao.

-Jacq-

more...
Yet another moment of absolute control ruined by weakness. I was at JD's today, to make stuff for his mom's new years party, and when I was done cooking I brought him to his room so we could be alone and talk. I told him that he'd been acting like kind of a jerk lately, not to mention acting like I have the plague. He asked how... I couldn't tell him. He looked at me in that "I know what this is working toward" way, and I lost it. He was so sad and so... I don't know... not angry, maybe frusterated, disappointed. He was just not happy. But I gave him the only example I could find in my blank mind. Then he went on to tell me that he was only acting that way because I have been irritating him. Now really, the only reason I've bugged him at all is because I won't just let him get off the phone or leave in the middle of a conversation. I need closure with stuff, I need everything to be totally fixed before we leave each other. He doesn't ever want to finish though! It drives me bonkers... really it does! When I told him that he just went silent. We sat there not talking for a long time... which was bad because it gave me time to figure out my next move. Or more to decide that what I thought I should do, I really should do. So I hugged him, he barely hugged me back. Then I kissed him on the cheek and he asked me "what now?" I couldn't say anything. The words wouldn't come out. I needed to say what I had planned, but I couldn't... it was terrible. I think he got where it was going though. Finally some words came, but not the ones I planned on. I said "nothing's ever going to change... I mean, you said yourself you'd never change." He asked what I meant. I said "I want things to change back to what they used to be, but you said you wouldn't change." I told him that I'm sick of coming last with him. I want to be first like I was before. (by first I mean before his friends... not important stuff.) I let him know that he's always been first with me, because, though I love my friends and still hang out with them, I love him and he is my best friend. He used to be that way with me, he even told me I was his best friend. Lately though it's been all about him friends or him, not me at all. He doesn't even consider me anymore. I work a lot anyway, so it's not like he can never see his friends or anything, he can.

Wow, this is sounding really selfish now that I read it. Jeez. I still do want to be number one... he is with me. I just, I don't know. I need him to be a shoulder I can cry on. I need him to hug me and kiss me and tell me everything will be okay. I need to believe that it really will be okay just because he said it. That's how it was before. When I had my surgery, when my Grandma was in the hospital, even when he had his surgery. I knew everything would be okay because he said it would. And it was.

So maybe I am being a little selfish, but everybody deserves to be selfish sometimes right. This is my time. So there ya' go.

Okay I'll shut up. I've rambled enough. Chao loves.

I am the source of most my pain... and it's all for a boy.
It's true ya' know. I cause it all. We fight, we yell, he acts like an idiot, and I act like a witch. Sometimes I wonder why I don't hate him... sometimes I wonder how we made it this far. I need him. That's why. I hate this feeling. Like somehow I'm helpless without him. I want him to do all he used to for me. Make me feel like I'm on top of the world. That's just not how it is now-a-days. He's always so distant.

He told me to trust him today. "Just trust me!" he said, he refused to answer my question. I wondered how he could possibly expect me to trust him if he wouldn't answer a simple question. Answering it would've let me trust him... but still nothing. He said I didn't love him because I wouldn't just trust him... I just hung up the phone. If he wanted to think that it was fine... he was in the wrong, not me. We talked again later. I told him he had to give me time to trust him again. He already blew it numerous times... he can't just get my trust back overnight. He finally answered me... though the answer was not what I was looking for.

We continued talking a bit, and right before we were gonna' go he did it again. He ticked me off again! I told him that and he just hung up. I left him a message. Told him how I felt. The ball's in his court now... hopefully he doesn't blow it.

Should I really stay with a guy who causes me this much pain on a regular basis... just because I love him? I don't really know anymore. I do love him though, more than anything in the world. He's the first and only guy I've ever really loved. I just want him to feel that way, and I want him to show it. Because if he doesn't, this relationship is not going to last much longer.