oderint dum metuant
Down, down wish it's just revelation


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One for Sorrow

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:: 2013 24 November :: 2.56pm

It doesn't matter what's my name.
I don't seek fame.
Eye seek your lobe.
May I probe
your brain? Penny
for your thoughts? Any
way you'd let me in?
I could show you then.
Let's combine our synapses, our souls, our beauty.
Let's bring this planet up or down, it's our duty.
But, we can only be one.
Either way, we'll have won.



:: 2013 23 November :: 4.50pm

You're probably reading this thinking,
"Omg, what is this guy all about?"
But, I'm sure some of this is sinking.
Because both our lives have reached a drought.

Not the kind that involves water, mind you.
Not the kind that makes your crops shrivel.
The sort that regards groups of two.
That want to be enlightened in the world's drivel.

Enlightened in a clicky sort of way.
The way fingers fit in between each other.
Like the colorful leaves on an autumn day.
Fall from the same branch, and lay on top one another.

So, before you go off, seeking more.
Know, that I know that you're here for the same reason.
You're looking for a word, like adore, or paramour.
The one that stands true regardless of the season.




:: 2013 21 November :: 6.55pm

The glory is all used up, use what's left...
Hey, you, you're still here? I'm glad, because you're beautiful, digital face overwhelms me with joy and memory. The glory, it's been used, it has holes and there's plenty of new ones sitting on the shelf. But, I'm not ready to open those packages.
Look, I remember the smiling faces, the aspirations, and the hopes and dreams. They rest with you.
What takes place when the glory is used up? Glory: an adolescent thing by nature.
Duty? Maybe?
Mr. J., I'm gonna let you in. I was let go from my job. But, it was probably the best thing that has ever happened to me. Because I relinquished, and then the old me came back and embraced me. And it wasn't glory I felt, but possibly...duty.
I'll let you decide. You mull it over.
Yeah, I know, you can't stay long. For now, bonne soir monsieur, vous et l'amore de la mon vie. Parce que, vous exitez.
To the memory of the smiles of the people who meant the most to me but didn't know it. To Vivers and Teresa, my goddesses. To the infant brother I helped raise. To the twenty year old me that you've chronicled and frozen in time so well. The wings are burned, but I have my legs.

- Friend



:: 2013 24 May :: 8.43pm
:: Mood: lost
:: Music: Snow Angel - Mike Patton

Things should be perfect. I wish they were.

Almost 6 years with Luisa, and she somehow still loves me. Sometimes I wonder if I love her enough to make it even. I wonder if I can love anyone enough.

My friend committed suicide three months ago. I've been mostly torn up and confused since then. I remember a year ago when he showed up on my doorstep, he crawled into my arms and sobbed, and I held him for so long. His best friend had shot himself, using his gun, and I felt that heart wrenching guilt and frustration pouring out of him. I didn't think I'd need someone so soon to do the same for me... Hold me as I sob, thinking of his lifeless body hanging limp from a noose.

I got really drunk that first night. I drank. I screamed. I cried until my whole body felt numb and my throat ached. I vomited everything up I tried to eat, from the sheer emotional overload of pain and sadness. My friend. MY friend!

I guess I shouldn't be saying "him", no, that's not right. She. She. She. Her. She was trans. Her name was Lydia. She had a son, a girlfriend. We smoked pot and got drunk and played video games. We laughed so hard. We went to furry conventions in Pittsburgh even though she hardly knew what they were. But that was okay. She beat us in Dokapon Kingdom and we all plotted against her to make the game even again, but I guess we never got the chance. Ha... I guess that's okay. There are these little bits of data that are just her, lingering in strange places.

I remember the night she sat in my laundry room, after taking a gravity bong filled with that crazy legal shit, her face turned blue, and I held it between my fingers, straightening her airways as she convulsed and tripped absolute balls. She talked about it later, like it was some sort of life altering place, a place where she had to push through each of us, the people that meant the most to her, until she broke through the other side and was free. Each of us. Surrounded by shapes and a kaleidoscope of colours. I almost pissed my pants because I thought she was going to die, and she was having a revelation. Me and Luisa look back now, and we wonder just how much that time effected her, Lydia. If maybe it helped seal the deal, if somehow it showed her a way to cope or something she needed to reach again.

I had asked her to come hang out a week or two before the whole event. She had a new girlfriend, me and Luisa assumed she was just honey mooning, and that she was too busy. She kinda blew me off, and I just let it slide. Oh oh oh how I wish I didn't shrug that off. How I wish I had said "C'mon man, seriously I haven't seen you in weeks, you need to come hang out, no excuses." Why can't we ever say the things we need? Why do we fuck up over and over?

I know it wasn't painful, she did it slow, a loop of rope tied to the knob outside the door, tossed over the top and down. You just have to lean into it, just a bit. Not even much. Everything gets fuzzy, soft around the edges, and you pass out. In that moment you go limp. You lean harder, you hang, no air, no blood. A death you just... flop into. She was wearing a suit, the best clothes she had. She had a date, an important one, and she wanted to be dressed for the occasion.

Apparently they found her early enough the next morning that they could use her organs. Supposedly. I'm not sure. I often wonder if some day I'll see someone with her eyes. Will they give meaning to the loss? Will they finally give those eyes a beautiful new outlook on life?

We were the first people she told about being trans. She wanted desperately to transition, but with custody battles over her son and a religious family it wasn't something that came easy. We were here for her, we have other trans friends, and we supported her in everything. Sometimes I still come across mtf links online and have to shake myself because I'll go to her page to post them, only to realize she can't see them. Isn't that weird? Isn't that cliche? I never thought it'd be real life, to just... Not remember someone is gone.

I think that's the hardest part. It's those little moments, when we're in the pool and I remember her face, her laugh, the glint in her eyes when we'd get drunk and stumble around in the water like fools. The videos of us laughing around the hookah, sitting around in our boxers like it's just the naturalest thing that's ever been.

I took a bunch of pictures of her the last time she was over. I wanted to use her as references for my artistic endeavors. Those pictures kill me now.

They burned her body in a box, put her in an urn. Her mother wont release the letter she left. Her mother has mostly just gone insane, shunning everyone who meant anything to Lydia. Religious hatred is the only thing keeping her alive, I'm sure. It breaks my heart to see Lydia's facebook being altered, but I guess it's something that can't be helped. You can't hang on to things like that anyways.

Lydia... Hm. Lydia... What a beautiful name.

I've thought a lot about suicide lately. I got really drunk last night, got in the pool for the first time since her death. Hell, the first time since the last time we hung out. I took off my clothes and howled at the moon. I slept in a tent with my friends. I kissed one, and felt like sobbing. I don't know what sort of person I am.

I've got a gf, practically my wife. I've got a job, I just got promoted. I go cycling every other day and close my eyes as the trees blur by. I'm alive by all means, the best of means. And some days I'm filled with fear, with hatred, with bitterness and overwhelming sadness.

It's been three months, and today I listened to the song she left on her phone. She deleted almost all the pictures and videos, she left two of us, me and her. A few more. She set the phone to go off about every hour, the song "Born to die" by Lana Del Ray. I don't know why, but I listened to it today at work in the office. I just sobbed, I'd never heard it before except the haunting sound of it coming from her phone that night when I held her girlfriend as we all cried. I could imagine her sitting there, setting the alarms, listening to that song over and over again. The worst part is that I could see myself doing the same thing.

I don't feel very well. I'm a drunken mess, and I'm so depressed. I feel so alone. I feel like everything hurts and everything is hopeless and I don't know why the world is this way. I don't understand and it brings me to tears, and makes me sit alone at night, staring into space, just feeling the ache in my chest.

My heart pours out, and the droplets slip through my fists.



:: 2013 30 April :: 12.49am

Really old Nutella mixed with cigarette ashes doesn't taste good.



:: 2013 2 February :: 11.58pm

Need solidarity.



:: 2013 8 January :: 7.25pm

There's no luck, you make your luck. Be a champion everyday.



:: 2012 8 November :: 1.31pm

I'm gonna corner the unicorn grease market, tell you what



:: 2012 4 November :: 12.42pm

Big challenges right now, but fire strengthens steel.



:: 2012 17 October :: 7.53pm

box wine and frozen pizza, vidya games. that's a good way to fucked up



:: 2012 12 October :: 10.35am

fix it



:: 2012 3 October :: 5.18pm

The liquor is calling the shots bud.



:: 2012 30 September :: 7.48pm

This is where I would write some self congratulatory bullshit. Oh wait, this isn't facebook!



:: 2012 6 August :: 11.22am

Comfort kills dreams so we have to stay hungry, or perhaps stay greedy, to keep moving in that direction.



:: 2012 2 July :: 10.38am

So I've learned that when I'm suspicious about someone's motives I am usually correct.



:: 2012 29 May :: 10.33am

I have a notion, a feeling that something big is about to happen, something is going to change and something is going to come to fruitition out of nowhere.



:: 2012 19 May :: 11.32am

Look out, we got a badass over here



:: 2012 26 April :: 10.36am

One lab accident short of being a super villain.


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