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One for Sorrow

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:: 2017 6 November :: 1.10am
:: Mood: worried
:: Music: Brand New - 137

I've been working less lately and I'm beginning to regret it. My checks have taken a big hit. In part due to a pay cut, but mostly because I've been trying to avoid stress by being lazy. With the holidays coming up and me planning to move to a new city, this is a massive issue. I guess it's time to go back to grinding and increasing my stress. Which in turn will probably increase my depression, which will lead me to treating people I love like shit. Sorry everyone. Fuck me, fuck capitalism, fuck life. I'll do my best to cope.



:: 2017 11 October :: 10.00am
:: Mood: content
:: Music: none

I feel like I've been doing better lately. My depression comes less often than it used to. I miss smoking though. Also, I've been reading The Southern Reach Trilogy aka Area X and I'm enjoying the hell out of it. Hope it stays good as I get further into the book.



:: 2017 4 October :: 10.02pm
:: Music: Brand New - Same Logic/Teeth

As man, you rose from dirt.
As man, you are a wad of clay.

Unmolded, unsclupted.
Unbranded, unmade.

Just build. Piece by piece.
Step by step. Day by day.

As clay, you may crash and break.
But as clay, you are what you make.


"Goddamnit you look so lovely, but you sound, you sound, you sound so ugly."



:: 2017 1 October :: 11.37pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: Finch - Play Dead

Sometimes I wonder, am I a terrible person for having so much disdain for members of my family? It isn't like I'm constantly bickering with them, or even treating them with malcontent. If anything I'm more than accommodating, constantly providing for them when they are in need and what not. However, I find myself feeling angry that I can't be selfish even when I would prefer to be. I want to leave and disconnect. To drop off their radar. It would be easy for me to find work anywhere in this country, considering my profession is in decent demand. Keep what I earn for myself, be where I want to be. Have all that I've ever wanted. But I can't. I'm too cowardly to be alone, despite always wanting to be. Maybe it isn't my family I'm angry towards, maybe I'm angry at myself and I'm projecting. I hinder my own progress because I'm weak and afraid. Always be stuck in the past, worrying about the present, fearing the future. Fuck.



:: 2017 9 May :: 1.00am
:: Music: Le Butcherettes - Normal You Were

I've been smoking a lot again. It's becoming a habit I'm ashamed of. Before, I didn't feel too guilty. Now, I feel that if I would channel the time and money into something more productive I would feel more accomplished with my days. I spend maybe $200 a month and an hour a day on this ugly habit. That's 7 hours a week I could channel into painting, drawing, or writing. That's $1200 a year I could use to pay off some of my debt or invest into something. Let's get real though, I'm not going to. I'm a demon left to his vice. Why? Because it feels nice to ignore the world for while everyday.



:: 2017 6 May :: 6.53am
:: Music: At The Drive-In - Incetardis

Help, I'm Alive.
Hello woohu. Aaron here. It's been quite a while. Practically 10 years or so. Update? I'm still Asian. I'm still with Cristina. I still get frustrated with family. I continue to self loathe. What's new? Ricky and I are no longer close friends. Long hair, long gone. I don't write anymore. All I do is work.

I hope you don't mind, but I hope to write entries again. I enjoy the fact that no one knows this exists. Fuck social media.



:: 2016 30 April :: 9.41pm

Holy shit guys
I guess I don't care about the security of this journal entry. I'm not sure if I actually want to journal or just post that I'm alive.

Well. Here I am. Alive. Wheeeee.

I am too shameful to go back and re-read some of my entries but yknow lets look to the future and be bright about it, huh?

Lets see where she goooooeeessss



:: 2015 25 October :: 7.58pm

i don't even go by keriana anymore...
The other day, a friend and I were showing each other embarrassing journal entries from our past. I dug so deep, I found this journal. I can't even look at the username without cringing anymore. Who was I. Everywhere I look is vague entries and that particular brand of pretension you only get when you're a teenager who feels too many emotions and thinks you are, somehow, the only person who has ever felt those emotions, ever, and therefore you need to find a brand new way to articulate them.

It's so weird. I need to continue my slow process of archiving this journal, but this journal has so many entries and so much history and spans so much -- by the time I was using LJ, I wasn't updating nearly as much as I updated this; these days, I updated my DW maybe a dozen times a year. A part of me really misses that old journaling culture!

And now we have twitter.

Anyway, as horrendously shameful as the contents of this journal are, I'm glad this site has stuck around. They're still memories, even if they're.


Thanks, 14 year old me. Thanks.



:: 2015 28 July :: 4.37pm

Stars when you shine,
You know how I feel.
Scent of a pine,
You know how I feel.
Oh, freedom is mine,
And I know how I feel.

It's a new dawn, a new day,
a new life for me,
And I'm feeling good.

[My actual entries are all friends only; feel free to add me!]



:: 2014 16 December :: 3.29pm

"Shake It Out" by Florence + the Machine.
Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool, and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around

Our loved is pastured, such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off

And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back?
It's a fine romance but it's left me so undone
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I'm damned if I do, and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my rope
And I'm ready to suffer, and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat
'Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Well, what the hell, I'm gonna let it happen to me

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off.



:: 2014 6 December :: 8.36am
:: Music: Daniel Tiger in the background.

4 Years?!
It's been 4 years.

4 YEARS. I feel like so much has changed, but I feel like everything is still the same within my head.

I have a 2.5 year old boy now, who is my light. I am married. I can't honestly tell you how this all happened, but it did.

Here I am. Writing in my old high school online journal.

Why? Because I feel like it will help. Help air out my thoughts and feelings, because I still hold everything in just as I did before. It helped me then, maybe it'll help now. I don't know.

I felt like I was happy. I felt as though I was heading the right direction -- I was working, I was working on getting back into school. I stopped and went a few times, trying to figure out where I wanted to be. I feel like I should have just done it. Just pushed through, but I didn't.

Then, I met my husband. I was waitressing at the Grist Mill, my last job. He was charming, so nice. I thought he was handsome, a bit rough around the edges. He was funny, he could make me laugh. A sick sense of humor.. I couldn't tell if I liked it or if I was offended. I laughed though, so I must've been into it, right? I guess. He asked me incessantly to go on a date with him. I finally accepted, and the rest is history.

We moved in together, we had so much fun together. We were like two fucking peas in a pod. I felt like he was my answer, I wished I had found him sooner. He treated me like a queen. My best friend actually liked him.. LIKED HIM. Yes, which is nearly impossible.

Then I got pregnant. 9 months into our relationship, I got knocked up. Ha! Funny. No, I was devastated. I didn't want a baby, I didn't want my life to revolve around a little tiny being that I made. I wanted my life to be that - MINE. I wanted to live for me and never lose my spontaneity. I didn't want to lose my body, my MIND.

We were married 2 months later.
9 months after that, Flynn was born. And though I struggled with being a mother at first (and still do), he is my baby, my love, my light at the end of the tunnel.

Fast forward 2.5 years, here I am. I am 50 pounds overweight, I have a feeling the bags under my eyes are never going away. I have stretch marks every where. I feel like a lump of fat and wrinkly, old skin. I am twenty-four.. 24!!!! years old. I feel like I'm 40+ .. and I feel sad a lot.

My best friend moved far, far away. I know she's doing what's best for her - but I can't help but feel sad about it. I miss her everyday, even though we talk online a lot.

My dad died in January this year.
I am/was his only child, he wasn't married. I took care of everything, because I was the only one who legally could. I found out a few things about certain family members, I met my aunt and uncle for the first time.

I have had a very hard time with my dad's death, and I wasn't sure at all how I was going to handle it. I still cry once a week, like I am now. Just thinking. Thinking, was everything I did enough? Did I do what he would have wanted? His "girlfriend" blames me for everything. We don't speak anymore, after the hurtful things she's said to me. I am better off without her in my life, even though I'd known her since birth.

I'm so glad to have met my Aunt and Uncle though - My Aunt is a saint. Such a nice, southern lady. She was so warm, so happy. It made me feel welcome and like a.. family. Something I never had with that side of my family. She invited us to Alabama to visit, gave me pictures of my dad and her as a child/teen. I was so overwhelmed with everything, but I am so glad I met them. I will treasure that day forever.

I am starting to feel more at peace, more "okay" with my choices. The cremation, the house, the car and truck. I know I made the right decisions, but I still can't help but feel uneasy, as my dad didn't tell me what he wanted. He didn't leave anything, and as abruptly as he left the world, nothing could have changed that.

My year feels like a whirlwind.
A clusterfuck.
My mind feels like it's spinning in on itself.

I need a counselor. I want a counselor.
I can't talk to my husband about things. Why? That's another post.
I talk to my best friend, but I can't keep telling her the same crap over and over. Broken record.

I feel like I am at the end of my rope. I want and yearn for REAL happiness. REAL love and hope.

This year has rained on me.
Here's to hoping 2015 brings me sunshine.



:: 2014 19 September :: 10.59pm

Against the laws of nature, the wings regrow!
Darwin, what was he thinking, writing such a thing as evolution! Noticing adaptation. The environment molding the organism!
What does Darwing think of love?! Is it austere, cold and calculating?
Love is a broad term if you think about it. It should be re-examined by a comity to be subjugated and redefined.
Even in science they allow the anomaly, the thing that redefines.
Mr. J, the world! The world is mine, I inherited it when I was born. Noone realizes this. It's mine, shortly, but I own a share; a portion.
And so, I will not be a product of my environment, but a shaper of the environment around me.
The river was cold, the travel was destitute and soggy, and scary.
But I decided when to fight against the current and swim towards shore.
My muscles burned, my perilous fall; shattering. But I swam, and I swim, and swim.
And the sun is warming on the shore. Now, where to go from here?
No time for a fire, I'll set this goddamn shore on fire with ambition.
Mr J., you understand! You've kept going all these years. Stay going.

Stay going!

You're still ravashing, Mr J., a looker if there ever was one. A roman statue.

- Me



:: 2014 7 September :: 4.48pm

I haven't written much. Time and I forget.



:: 2014 2 September :: 5.40pm

I'm Broken.
Trying to reboot self.



:: 2014 22 August :: 7.50pm

Public Update
Not sure if I'll do much public. Going to take work getting into the habit to just using this again. Doesn't seem to have many active members anymore though, which is a bit saddening. Might ask Andy what traffic is like nowadays?



:: 2014 27 April :: 10.38pm

The difference isn't all that different, it's perception that's being percieved...
You like that title, Mr. J?

Mr. J, I gotta let you in on something.

Here's the thing, you sitting down? We're all scared. There, I said it. However, the thing I've seen is some people use these tools they've built, or acquired. Tenacity and integrity. Those aren't the only ones. But the good ones. And I mean good--like good and evil.

I can state this claim surely.

That fear, that's a driving force I've discovered. For lots of things, maybe everything! The fear is what turns the tide, what shifts the thought, the mind.

I've seen a lot of things, but I'm going to state the appalling thing is what drives most people. Not to stand against this force that is obviously so easily circumvented if a person were to only use a little effort.

Fear, fear, fear. Say it with me. It's causes things to stop, or to never have started with no real logical explanation or reason.

I think I speak for all of us when I say with utmost courtesy: FUCK YOU FEAR!!!

Having said that: I have to say that if I see those who succumb so easily to this feeble creature, this noun that shouldn't be such, I immediately think less of a person. I like to see people face that fucker and ascend what really is a very trivial and stupid thing.


Mr. J,

I thought about going back to Ms. E. but I don't think that's an option. She has some things to sort out, and they're things that are more of a self-revelation that something someone who loves her can help her with. The only person who can rise above it is her. It breaks my heart at the thought of cutting her loose but unfortunately I have to do it. Otherwise, I'm marooned on Big-Heart Island waiting for a ticket on a boat that no one knows the name of, which the itinerary has washed away, and sun never sets. Marooned.
So, goodbye for now, or maybe forever, Ms. E. There's things I'll always cherish. That sounds very normal, but I promise you that she was so close. So very close, by the hairs on my fucking chin.

Well, to bed, or to the printed word, or to the flickering screen back lighting the racing thoughts in your brain. You understanding son of bitch.

Peace, for us all if you could. To bring comfort or release to those around the world who need it. Did nature, or God(s), or whoever created us contemplate the horrible nature of being such a conscious species would entail?

Adieu, mon ami.



:: 2014 15 April :: 10.46pm

Another Beginning...
So... I have not written here in about 5 years. I went through and deleted my old stuff (I like to start fresh), so I figured I'd write a little back story for myself and whoever is reading this.

At the moment, I'm 24 years old. I'm a natural brunette with coffee eyes and a caffeine addiction. I live a few miles outside a small town in Indiana with my dad and my son, and my fiance lives about 8 miles north of here.

My son will be 3 in July; he's my life. Of all the things that make up who I am, he's the best thing. He's the perfect combination of his father, Zac, and me. He's got my cheekbones and smile, Zac's hair and multicolor eyes. He's the happiest, most well-tempered child I've ever know. He has his moments of terrible two's, but can erase every indiscretion with his adorableness (which he is well aware of).

I've been engaged to Zac for about 4 years. We were in the midst of saving to move in together when lil man showed up on the scene. So now, every month we put a little bit more back in that ol' coffee can to add to a down payment on a home. Its definitely tough, being parents and together while living separately, but it has strengthened our relationship beyond comprehension. He's the yin to my yang, as cliche as that is to say. We tend to balance each other out. He works full time as a truck loader for a small logistics company, which allows me to work part time during the winter to be home with our son.

I work at a large non-profit resale company as a book scanner and e-commerce associate part-time (usually only 1-2 days a week) during the winter, then I guess the plan this summer is to work 2 hours a week there, while I work full time for a local farm. I've been with this company for about 4 years on and off. I got pregnant within my first month there, took maternity leave the following summer, then quit the last 2 summers to work the farm because summers usually mean loss of hours because of falling sales due to it being garage sale and flea market season. This year the new store manager (we go through management like its going out of style) wants to keep me on with minimum hours so she doesn't have to have more rehires on her record since apparently that will make her look bad, though no other manager ever had a problem with it before.

I've been working at the farm for 5 years, selling produce on the side of the road at both a stand on a busy state road, and at the stand that is located on the farm. Every year, there's a little more work. In the beginning, I only worked from June to mid-September, then it was June to Halloween. Last year, I helped with the pack sales in the spring in addition to the summer and fall produce sales, then this year I've been helping with seeding so far. This week will actually be my first week of the year doing sales.

Its been tricky these last couple months with working and everything, because my mother has been in the hospital. At the beginning of February, she fell ill. She finally broke down and asked me to take her to the emergency room (she didn't have insurance, so she had been putting it off). A few hours later, I got the call that they were transferring her to an hospital in Indianapolis because they had found an aneurysm in her abdomen. It was a miracle that it hadn't burst yet. She had her repair surgery about a month later, but has been struggling with kidney issues since then. We're hoping that she'll be moved into a rehab closer to home by next week, but the doctors have been saying that for a few weeks now, so who knows. She's typically the one who takes care of JD while I work, so Zac has been having to pick up the slack, watching JD during the day while working at night, and slipping in a few hours of sleep in between, which gets kind of tricky when he's working ten hours (9:30 pm-7:30am), and I'm working 9-5. But God bless him, he does everything he can. I'm not sure how I wound up with such a wonderful man, but I thank God every day that he brought him into my life. <3

Well, I think thats a good enough back story on myself to explain most things that I will probably write about on here now. Anything else, I should be able to explain as a write. I'm doubtful anyone will be reading this, especially anyone I know, but feel free to comment.



:: 2013 15 December :: 11.08pm

Desolation is a lonely place.

You can describe in prose, and use words to shape it.

But, just like a cold breeze, you'll never feel the full effect unless you're right there in the moment.

Even for a moment; a cold breeze feels like the end of it all.


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