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:: 2004 17 April :: 6.20 pm
:: Mood: cold

How can someone fool themselves into being happy? How possible does that sound? Its like I have been living in my head. Nothing is really going to the way that I want it to, not even a little bit. Nothing is pointed in my direction. I hate this. I want to get out. I was all woo...not to long ago and everything was good. Or at least with me it was good. Its like when I would cry I wouldn't realize why. Or think yeah I'm just a girl girls cry. Then its like I woke up this morning and I cried. I woke up crying and I didn't have a nightmare nothing I just woke up crying...and like it all hit me. Whats been wrong lately, how everything is just all bullshit. I'll be putting on my makeup and break down in my closet. Washing my face, taking a shower anything and I just sit there and cry. And its like I can't stop. I really just want this all to be over. I want to run away and be someone else. Just lose all the baggage that comes with being me. Run away get the hell out of here. But theres problems with that too. I would lose all of the friends I still have. I wouldn't have my Allen I wouldn't have anything.

God I just wanna get drunk or high or something so I don't have to deal with any of this anymore.

But its okay I've done this all before. I'll take a shower cry for hopefully the last time today. Do my make up smile and do what I have to do. Let everyone think I'm okay.

Thats what scares me. This is like where I was before. And it makes me wonder if anything, the problems with my self, what I did to myself, ever really went away. I'm so fucked up. I don't want to go down that road again. It hurts myself and so many other people.

I don't usually ask for help and now that I want to I don't think that anyone could help. Its something with me. Its like its all in me and everyone has all their own shit going in their lives. I don't want to be a burden on anything. Lol, I'm so lame. I swear I'm the biggest fuckin pussy in the world. I can't stick to anything I say. It just never works out that way. I wish I was stronger.

help me

:: 2004 15 April :: 1.00 pm
:: Mood: confused

I didn't even remember until you told me this morning what you said. I don't know I just find it very ironic that you are telling me to grow up and get some responsiblity, when have you taken a look at yourself? Yeah I tell you to call in sick...but have you ever done it? So I would think by now it would be just something to say (one of my predictable answers) Its just funny that you can stay up any other night when you have something to do...like your mechanic. Or how you sleep through your phsyco-ologist appointments. Or don't go to class because theres a test you didn't study for, or simply because you "don't feel like it". Oh yeah thats so responsible. Then you don't even take "responsiblity" for not going you lie to your parents about it....oh yeah, um sweetie your not in highschool...looks like someone else needs to grow up. You don't even walk YOUR dog when you don't have to, you again get someone else to do it. So before you talk about me "growing up and getting some responsiblitty" I don't think it would hurt if you look at who your talking too, you don't know what the fuck I do here. Yeah I may not hold a job...but I have school that I DO, DO. I have a bother and a sister that I help with shit. I do have a puppy that I take care of. I have other animals that I don't need to be reminded to feed. I'm the one that usually decides whats for dinner and half the time make it. I don't have the option of stopping at Taco Bell. Okay. Yeah you are older and that might make you feel like you have more shit on you. it doesn't. It doesn't make you more "responsible" than me. And it doesn't mean that I have more growing up to do. Cuz from the looks of it you sit home...watch tv...play video games...eat...eat some more...sleep... get online... and talk on the phone. To me it sounds like your tipical fourteen year old boy. Don't talk about me growing up when it appears that you have more to do than I do.

Thanks...love you

help me

:: 2004 13 April :: 7.11 pm
:: Mood: contemplative

Think about this....

Do you think.....that if you give away everything that you ever had. Everything that you have. Everything that is of you. Everything that is from you. Good in you. Bad in you. You. Do you think that if you give all that away.... all that you are capable of giving away.... That what you're finally left with.....is the real you?

Do you think it is possible to be agoraphobic and still like the forests. Claustraphobic and only be able to sleep with a pillow over your head that is nearly smothering. Or enjoy the company of people and be uncomfortable while mingling with crowds. Prefer to be alone and yet love relationships. To have a need for hurt AND happiness. And when you're not hurting other people intentionally or unintentionally, you still hurt them because you're always hurting yourself. And you cant help it. It just comes naturally. It just hurts anyone to care anything about you.

I am a walking contradiction. A living tragedy. I love and hate all of you feircly. And hide it under the mellowness of a casual laugh. An easy smile. A quick wit and light hearted jokes with only the subtle undertone of seriousness. Don't look too long into these dark, troubled eyes. It'll either scare you, or you might like it too much.

help me

:: 2004 12 April :: 5.00 pm
:: Mood: ick
:: Music: lacuna coil

ingnorance is really bliss
I hate them. I hate them all. My parents, my sisters friends, everyone in my life. And part of it was bad luck, in a way. A series of the most unfortunate events that taught me how life really works. And then the other part was just me. No, I wont tell you, because it's WAY too pitiful. So pitiful it makes me want to slam my fucking head into my desk so many times my ears bleed. And then maybe I'll get brain damage. Become a retard and be oh so blissfully happy chewing my applesauce. Because there's one thing I've been taught over the last year. Ignorance is bliss. I'd heard it so many times before, and now I realize that those three words are perhaps the most ingenious I've ever heard. And now here I sit. Preparing to go back to hell and cover up all my hurting inside by acting weird. I wear a mask. A big one. And it used to be the other way around. Wearing the mask in front of the one person I can relate to just a little, or now at least, and being bubbly happy without having to try. Yeah, and maybe some of you would want to know who that one person is? It's not important. And that seems pathetic to me. My whole life structure seem pathetic to me. Because it is. I'm pathetic. Oh sooooo pathetic. But Not ignorant. I'm intelligent. And I probably spelled intelligent wrong, and that's the pathetic part. *sigh* Whatever. I can't type for much longer. So whatever. We're all pathetic. There are some of us that realize it. And do you know what we do? We sit back, listen to emo, and get lost in books, or whatever and let it make us forget about how much everything in general just sucks.

help me

:: 2004 9 April :: 8.29 pm

I so love how I am included in stuff and how people only come to me when they REALLY need something...its just the best feeling in the world. People are over-rated. Who needs "friends" any way?

help me

:: 2004 9 April :: 4.41 am

Look inside yourself.
Do you see it?
The whole picture is in and outside of you.
You are the picture.
You have the power yourself
To shape the world and yourself as you please.
The shattered pieces that you perceive
Are not shattered at all.
They are just you wandering around
Without a purpose, or with too many purposes.
What is the purpose?
To live.
So get rid of this shattered illusion,
Realize that you are more worthy than it,
And you will be
*::*Anybody can rise up to anything*::*

help me

:: 2004 9 April :: 4.29 am

Something Inside:

There is another force within me.
One that I cannot control.
It feeds upon my soul.

I wish I could explain it,
But I always seem to fail
To find the right words.

I have so many hopes and dreams,
That I wish would come true.
Most of them are for you.

I look around me in every which way
Hoping to find some guidance
As I go on my way.

I feel like a feeble child.
Who is always craving
For the knowledge that I have satisfied you.

Even though,
You tell me every day,
About how proud of me you are,
I still feel the constant need to do more
To receive more.

Sometimes I scare myself
When I do something
That really is not me,

Those times are when I hurt you
So deeply that you cry.
And when I see those tears of pain
I begin to cry too.

So I apologize,
For all of the evil things
That I have done,
And probably will do,

And I just want you to know
That I am working on it.
So please, don't give up hope.

For if you do,
I don't think that I will ever get over
Missing you.

help me

:: 2004 9 April :: 4.12 am
:: Mood: calm

. It wasn't to long ago
It wasn't to far away
It wasn't yesterday
But then again
Those memories are never,
To far away from today
They'll always stay close
Apart of my childhood
I could not erase
Even if a memory
I misplace
I will find at least one person with
A recognizable face
And it will all flash back to me
Like that shining sea
As I move on
A walk from my reality
The one I use to know
The one that seemed almost magical
Where in my mind there were unicorns and fairies
Its done nothing but leave me stigmal
My yesterdays are just my memories

help me

:: 2004 5 April :: 9.56 pm
:: Mood: confused

My dad is dying, I found out today that he is worse than I thought. Hes on dyalisis 3 times a week for four hours each. He also needs a kidney transplant, but the doctors are making him wait a year. Then for the part that I found out today, he has hepiteas C. Which is why the doctors might be making him wait for the transplant. Because that eats away at your liver, kidneys, ect. The doctors are waiting to basically see if he dies this year, which there is a good possiblity of or they wouldn't be making him wait. He has my aunt and my uncles and so many other people willing to donate a kidney to him. But the doctors don't want to chance it because he might not make it. So my Grandmother might take us all out of school to fly up there and see him (Washington State). This is so not what I wanted to hear tonite, you know. Yeah I don't like my dad but, if he leaves what does that leave me with? I mean I already don't have a father as it is now, but its like now he won't even be there to hate. Or to anything else. I'm only 15 I'm not supposed to loose my daddy this early. I was always a daddy's little girl when I was little. I could get in so much trouble by him and he could do the worse things but I was still his little girl ya know...and what if I don't have that anymore. Whose little girl will I be then. I know don't talk to him, but I still love him. I can't stop that. And who knows one day what might happen. I'm just confused. Theres always a good chance that one day I would forgive him. It happens to most people, when I'm way older what happens if hes not there, what will happen when I get married and have kids and hes not there what do I say then?? I just don't know anymore. Shit now I'm crying. I'm supposed to hate the motherfucker. Why do I care so much. (I already have the answer to that one.)

help me

:: 2004 2 April :: 4.59 pm

I've driven round in circles for three hours
It was bound to happen that I'd end up at your
I temporarily forgot there's better days to come
I thought that I would give it just one more chance

Cuz' I want, tonight, what I've been waiting for
But I found, tonight, what I'd been warned about

You think that you are complicated, deep mystery to all
Well it's taken me a while to see, you're not so special
All energy no meaning, with a lot of words
So paper thin that one real feeling, could knock you down

And I've seen, tonight, what I'd been warned about
I'm gonna leave, tonight, before I change my mind

So see you when your 40, lost and all alone
being comforted by strangers you'll never need to know
not sad because you lost me
but sad because you thought it was cool to be sad

You think misery will make you stand apart from the crowd
well if you had walked past me today I wouldn't have picked you out
I wouldn't have picked you out

now I've seen, tonight, how I could waste my time
and I'll be on my way, and I won't be back
cuz I've seen, tonight, what I've been warned about
your just a boy, not a man, and I'm not coming back

help me

:: 2004 31 March :: 8.14 pm
:: Mood: sad

Ugh...people take what people say seriously. Now when it comes from someone that you love it hurts worse. Its the same when they let you down. Its dissapointing. I know that I messed up and then when someone goes and rubs that in your face or makes a joke about it, its not a good feeling. I see what I did to myself everyday I look at my body. My arms my legs shoulders abdomen its hard to miss. And whats even more sad is that I'm not mad anymore just sad that they would do or think that but its something I can get over quickly. I'm just to stuborn or too shy to call and say I'm sorry. I don't like feeling like this. I feel sick like I did something wrong when I know I didn't. And I miss him, like alot. Talking to him makes me happy and even if I am pissed or upset or whatever I'm still happy. But I don't know. I'm sorry. I'm just scared. I'm scared of fucking up and scared of ruining things. All of this means way to much to me and I don't want to lose it.
I don't know if any of this makes sense to you, but it does to me.
I'm sorry.

help me

:: 2004 29 March :: 10.17 pm
:: Mood: exhausted

Eeks. I can hardly get anysleep with this damn puppy. Don't get me wrong she is the cutest thing in the world but she just yelps and yelps...its crazy. I swear I only got like 2 or 3 hours of sleep last night.
Doesn't it suck when people you care about fuckup and they do it on purpose then do nothing about it. Like I sit here and listen to what they are telling me and I'm just like what the fuck. You are just throwing your life away, you can't do everything at once you need to work up to it. You can't wave your fingers and say poof and then it appears. Ugh. I know these people have so much potential and they can do anything that they wish to do...its just like they are trapped in their own heads and they can't get past that and they think that they won't succseed. Ugh I don't understand people. I wish I did though. Everything would be easier.

help me

:: 2004 26 March :: 7.04 pm
:: Mood: content

A toast.

I want to say good-bye to all that I was.
To give a toast to all that made me,
aided me through the darkness of those days,
when I thought there was no way,
A toast to those who stood by me,
Taylor, for being there forever and ever.
And for saying you'll never leave.
Alex, for being goofy, crazy silly,
Always making me smile.
Ashley, for always making you realize,
what might actually happen,
To my grams for holding my hand...
To Allen who holds my hand now...
And to all that were in-between.
Raise your glasses for the late-night sleep overs.
And our make believe games.
When things were simple.
For Michelle, who was more of a mom than anything I had.
The unforgettable James Roach.
For showing me and Tay how sleazy and nasty boys were.
Haha those were the days.
A salute to the smiles and the tears,
That came from everything we did.
To the parents who weren't mine,
But took care of me like I was then.
And still do.
To the hardships of when I was younger,
Growing up before I had to.
The childhood that was cut too short too soon.
Then given back to me,
The confusion that came with that when I didn't know how to take it.
To my little sister Nannon,
Who made me talk to my mom again.
To the bottle of Vodka that made me stop once more.
To my father for being locked up.
Making me see how much I missed him.
A toast for me opening my eyes and seeing,
What he and my mom did to me.
For the hurt and the pain, that came from that.
To the numbness that came from that.
To Taylor my stoner buddy,
Who was always up for a good high.
To Ashley who was there trying to stop it all.
To the high that aided in the numbness.
To the cuts that helped realize I was still alive.
To the phsyc ward,
And my temporary friends there.
Amber the crazy lunatic, who never made it home.
My lesbian lover Kristen.
Persilla my Lively Latino roommate.
Maggie, the meth head.
The times we spent talking with our heads upside down,
Telling me your stories.
Krystal and her train track for a mouth.
Rendie for talking and understanding what was happening.
A toast to the pills,
That made me realize I was worth more.
To the scars that remind me of where I've been.
Places I don't want to return to.
Finally a toast to me.
To all that I have overcome.
To my smiles
my laughs
My regrets.
To everything that was ever bad.
A toast to me starting over.
Being a new me,
A real me.
Where my regrets, will just be failed attempts at something great.
To a happy me.
A me, where I will always be able to say I tried.
A me I won't regret.
A toast to the me I want to be.

1 handed me a rope | help me

:: 2004 23 March :: 11.44 pm

61 things to do before I die.

{o1} fall in love..actually I already have, but I figured I'd just prove that he means everything to me...
{o2} Graduate with a B+ or A averge...
{o3} Form a closer and better relationship with my parents...
{o4} Move away to a place that I want to live, instead of going where my parents want...
{o5} Get into a good school...
{o6} Be preposed to...
{o7} Get married...
{o8} Have you be able to look at me and say wow she's perfect...
{o9} Live a happy life...
{1o} Travel around the world...
{11} Say no to something..and keep it that way...
{12} Have children...
{13} Go to a cabin at the lake..in the winter...
{14} Sit in a hot spring, in the mountains..as it snows...
{15} Get a tattoo...
{16} Dress in something smashing..and dress in it for me..not for anyone else...
{17} Feel good about myself...
{18} Go to Hawaii...
{19} Stay up all night with you...
{2o} Watch the sunrise with you...
{21} Learn more about God...
{22} Buy a thunderbird...
{23} Buy a Ferret...
{24} Paint something...
{25} Start my own bussiness like a cafe...
{26} Write something that gets published...
{27} Take school more seriously...
{28} Make a difference in someones life...
{29} Swear someone out and make them cry...
{3o} Go ballroom dancing in a big fancy dress with you...
{31} Ride in a hot air balloon...
{32} Eat something exotic...
{33} Look at the planets through a really good telescope...
{34} Visit Europe...
{35} Help the needy...
{36} Spend a night in a haunted house...
{37} Go to DisneyLand in Paris or France somewhere where ever it is...
{38} Learn how to build a snowman...
{39} Plaly in the snow when it frist starts snowing...
{4o} Donate blood...
{41} Build my dream house for my family...
{42} Touch a fox..
{43} Perform an anonymous favor...
{44} To be able to say....in everything...whether in success, or failure..."I Tried"...
{45} Teach my child how to read...
{46} See that things are only as bad as I make them...
{47} Overcome my fear of being public...
{48} Go to New York and see a Broadway play, then..go shopping...
{49} Snorkel over a healthy coral reef..
{5o} Do something Romantic you...you only deserve the best...
{51} Set up two people and have it result in marriage...
{52} To actually live life...
{53} Say goodbye to regrets...
{54} Take a ride on a gondola through the canals of Venice..before it is totally engulfed in water...
{55} Be lowered into a shark tank in a cage..
{56} Live in a yacht in the middle of the sea...
{57} Have a yard filled with wildflowers..
{58} Become a fabulous cook..
{59} Find complete inner peace..
{6o} Make my parents proud..
{61} Be good for you...

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