2003 30 November :: 11.16 am
:: Mood: sick
:: Music: trapt cd...still listenin to it!
well last night chris ended up coming over...the one night that EVERYONE calls me to go do something! allie wanted me to go to her cuz's house with her, kane wanted me to go to airtime, ben told me to call him if i didn't find anything to do, even mike called me and asked me what i was doin! i was like geezz...but oh well...i was sooo sick anyways, i couldn't move. i was glad that chris came over though, he made me feel better...until...it wasn't his fault that i was feeling sick again but, i think God is sending me a message to clean up my act with everything, because chris and i were sitting there and i just all of a sudden started thinking about aaron and my stomach hurt like BAM! it was like a reaction or something like saying "don't think about him!" i was like fuckin A!! who the hell knows, but chris left and alliecat came and got me and took me to the store to get some medicine before i died, then brought me home and i just went to bed after i talked to chris for a few online. i went to horroks when i went and got laundry soap last night and i got my mom 2 roses and chris a white rose...i felt kinda stupid after i gave it to him but...he gets me stuff so...i dunno....just somethin i guess. i've been having the weirdest dreams lately...and i don't know what they mean...i think it's true that your past can come back to haunt you...cuz that's what's happening to me. it's freakin me out...who knows. i have some h/w to do and a staff meeting to go to at 12:30...then i think i'm gonna go to the library or something. but i better go get dressed and ready....so i'll post later or tomorrow...depends on what happens today. otherwise...later dudes
1 falling star |
2003 29 November :: 3.06 pm
:: Mood: frustrated
:: Music: trapt - these walls
well last night was fun, as always! hung out with alliecat and kane...as always! lol had some fun times of course! we always do! but we got up early as fuck! (sorry allie lol) but right now i'm just chillin..back in my pj's...waitin to take a shower and maybe go to the library...who knows. chris wrote me an email sayin he will call me after his family leaves and stuff but i dunno if we'll be able to hang out, cuz it might be too late. so i dunno what i'll do tonight! i wanted to go take pics but it's all cloudy and shit...so no go there. man i'm still sick to my stomach, hopefully it's b/c of the alchi' last night and not something else! who knows...
but i guess that's it for now...i'll post later tonight
2003 28 November :: 12.14 pm
:: Mood: good
:: Music: i miss you - incubus
well it's the day after turkey day...no leftovers to eat but eh...i'm fat anyways! haha j/k so last night i was feelin REALLY sick, so kane and i were gonna go see a movie but i told her i was gonna puke so we rented a movie and came back to my house. then alliecat and her friend brandy came over and we had a good time! mitch brought some friends over but they were STUPID JERKOFFS so...they left, and i was happy! ugh...so chris called me and i talked to him for a while, hopefully i'll get to see him today!! did some dealage last night with my freshman buddies, we got a blunt for a pack of B&M's so....it was a pretty good deal! then i just hung out with bobby for the rest of the night then came home and crashed in bed! i was beat... but today i'm gonna go to the hockey game @ 1:30 or so then head out to my dad's after that. so that should be fun! but who knows whats gonna happen tonight...girls will prolly come over or somethin...or i might just hang out with chris :-) either or! so i'm gonna go shower and then get around for the hockey game, so i'll catcha ya'll later
2003 27 November :: 10.00 am
:: Mood: indifferent
:: Music: breakfast at tiffany's - deep blue something
yay! it's thanksgiving! i love this holiday, besides christmas...it's my favorite! lol well i just woke up...not really feeling any particular way so i put up there indifferent...last night wasn't too bad! i was SOOO bored after school tho, so finally kaneface 2wayed me back and we went out to the mall and saw like EVERYONE there, so that was cool! then i met chris at my house and we went and saw Matchstick Men at the cheap flicks! :-) i love being with him!! i had a great time...so then we came back to my house and just sat out in his car and talked about "stuff"...he told me that i would never get over aaron...which i told him that i was trying to do that...maybe he's right, maybe not. i told kane on the way to the mall that i can't wait around and miss everything going by me just to know that one chance may come along for me to be with aaron...although i would love to try it...if it's not meant to be...it's not meant to be. it's been a long time that i've liked him but...things change. i'm listening to blinded by third eye blind, i LOVE THIS SONG!! like everytime i hear it i wanna blast it and just sing and dance....i told chris last night that that was OUR song! :-) we have a song! hehe well....i dunno what's gonna happen. chris told me he's not going anywhere...and he never does...he said he tried letting me go. and tried just accepting everything as done...but he said he couldn't do it. that he loves me too much just to let me go...i cried. lol i always do but...god i dunno...it always comes back around to me making a decision...always! ahhh i dunno....but i'm not gonna worry about it...it's thanksgiving and i LOVE food today!!!! yay!! hehe well i better go take a shower and stuff
2003 24 November :: 8.45 pm
:: Mood: smiley
:: Music: third eye blind - blinded
so besides the snow that decided to come down and rain on me today....my day was pretty good! i have a bunch of h/w to finish up so i prolly should get crackin on that...so i'm going to! i talked to chris for like a few min tonight before i went to the store with my cousin and my mom, but....at least i got to hear his voice...i love it :-) but i dunno...my horoscope was pretty weird for today or yesterday or somethin...it said i will realize something on the 23rd....and i don't know if it's what i think it is...but i miss chris...and i love him...and i know we're supposed to be together. I have to talk to him, cuz he's the one that kissed me last week...i just am going to see how things go...aaron thing...getting over it. talking to my dad more, and trying to be closer to them...and no more of the bad stuff! :-) ok now that that's out, i'm gonna go do h/w and get to bed, nighty night!
1 falling star |
2003 18 November :: 9.27 pm
:: Mood: sleepy
:: Music: oasis - wonderwall
purple cows will never fly - CG
well i'm sittin here talkin to christopher on the phone! fun stuff, he wants me to sing for him and i won't so he thinks that i hate him! lol what a goon! :-P chris just told me to write "purple cows will never fly" so...there's chris' wise advise for the day! haha so i had a pretty crappy day, didn't feel good, forgot about the NHS meeting, and it was raining, ALL DAMN DAY! it's still rainin now!! i hate it! ahh, oh well. so i came home for lunch and checked my email, i had one from chris, so that was nice! but then the rest of the day at school went by pretty slowly...kinda sucked! oh well, but i got home and went and babysat till around nineish and then just got home a lil while ago...and guess what...it's still rainin! ahhh! haha so anyways, news news, what's in the news...ahh nothin much that's interesting right now...hmmmm i'm really tryin to think but...i ain't got nothin! so i think i'm gonna talk to mr.wonderful goon on the phone here for a while and then get some sleep for once tonight! although i've been havin problems falling asleep even tho i'm extremly tired everynight...what the hell is wrong with me! oh...got a denist appt tomorrow and it's PAY DAY! HORRAY! well that's all for now folks, have a good night!
2003 17 November :: 9.58 pm
:: Mood: eh...
:: Music: cauterize - taste of tears
so yeah...let's see what there is to say...this weekend was pretty wicked :-D
friday: i babysat my cousin's, traci came over and then ben, dj, and chris and we all just hung out, then tiff came and i just had fun with the girls! yay!
saturday: got up and went to lunch with kane at canton buffet, as always :-) then went and got some applications, went home and hung out till i had to go to work! worked with alliecat till 8, then went home, got around and kane and allie came over and we started off our night with a lil smoke break out in the back yard...good stuff then we headed off for a BIG AND LONG night! haha so we started off by goin to airtime the skate park and met up with mitch, chilled there and listened to the bands, which were pretty good, so it wasn't bad at all. then we went over to allie's friend's party and boy was that scary! we were in THE GHETTO i dont' care what you say allie! we were in the HOOD! haha so anyways, me and kane stayed in the car, cuz we're punkers, we didn't belong there. kane made a great comment after they came and raided the car tryin to get us to come in. she goes, "didn't they read my hat? it says dork, i don't belong in there! they got hats that say 'FUCK THE MOTHER FUCKIN LORD'!" hahahaha it was so fuckin halarious...i laughed so hard! haha so then we met with mitch and his friends after grabbin some subway (yummy), then we followed them somewhere but some slutty girls showed up so we just jetted and said fuck it. then we went to nicks, hung out with some guys there, then trevor (SOCCERDAD) ian and steve came and saved us and took us to Denny's. then...for some reason...we just came back to my house and chilled, smoked a lil more and watched Alladin. i was layin on the floor, kane went to bed, and allie was on the couch, when bobby, arbo, and galligan came over and chilled with us. it was cool :-) hehe aaron layed next to me and warmed up my hands for me, we almost kissed...damn me i backed off! ha, so i asked him to go to the parade with us on saturday...i hope he comes!! that would be cool...ahh i like him so much, i hope somethin goes on...anything...even cuddle buddies would be cool! haha then sunday i went to a movie with soccerdad ian and alliecat and had fun, we saw elf and it was SOOO cute!! haha oh and that morning i watched malibu's most wanted, halarious movie! haha don't be haten! haha
but anyways...i better get to bed, i called chris but he's sleepin of course i worked out tonight on my abs for 12 min with kathy ireland NEW GOAL: start workin on abs, running, and work out EVERYDAY! even if it's a quick set of crunches a night!! gotta be lookin sexy! hehe
oh and a side note...lizzie decided to ask me about her movin outta state when i go to college or before or even movin outta the country with troy...i just want her to be happy...but i don't want her to be that far away :-( so who know's...HAVE TO FILL OUT MSU APPLICATION THIS WEEK!!! HURRY!! kk well gots to get to bed early, gotta get up early! nightynight
2003 12 November :: 6.46 am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: hoobastank - running away
well last night was kinda stressful so i didn't finish my project till this morning...i fell apart last night...all the crying i've been holding back definently came out last night. it was like a trigger to my heart that just made it finally break in 2. i was talking to chris online, i was complaining about shit as usual and i was so fed up, i wanted to just tell him how i felt inside...but i didn't...and i won't i gave it all up, it's my own fault...and yes it's true...you don't know what you got till it's gone! i felt safe and whole but at the same time i felt restricted and held back from the world...but i'm too scared of the world anyways...so why can't i go back to being restricted!? ahh i dunno...my heart just can't deal with this. I cried and cried and cried last night, my pillow was soaked with tears. everything just hit me in the face and it hurt so much...i thought it would end after a few tears, because i still have him as a friend...but oh no, they kept coming...because i don't have his love, and that's what my life has been based on for the last 3 years...and now it's over. it's all over. i don't even know if i can stand being friends with him..it's hurting me too much...but i will because i can't let that go...i love him too much, and that's the last thing i have of him...and i won't let that dissappear with everything else. i have HUGE bags under my eyes...i hope no one can tell...today is going to be a silent day...i don't know what to say anymore...i don't belong anywhere...and wherever it feels right to be...i leave from it. i'm going to be lost for the rest of my life...go figure.
2 falling stars |
2003 11 November :: 10.42 pm
:: Mood: aggravated
what the hell am i going to do with myself!?!?!
2003 10 November :: 9.23 pm
:: Mood: cold
:: Music: you and i both - jason mraz
well it's day #1..2..3! and i'm doin okay! haha like my picture?? haha cracked me the FUCK up!! well today wasn't anything big...went to school...worked...then came home and wrote my paper! yes i got it done!! i need to stop procrastinating tho...it's gettin badddd! lol
so update on this weekend...well thursday me and kane drove around and hung out, went and chilled with traci...which made me happy to hang out and see her again!! yay! then friday night me and kane worked then got out and hung out with alliecat, went to traci's and tiff and trevor came over and we all piled in trevor's car SOCCER DAD and went to steak n shake! it was sooo fun! i have a blast with those guys and it helped me a lot. then saturday was bogus at first...went out and took pics after comin home from the hockey game with kaneface and allie, picked up my room, took a shower and stuff then went out drivin lookin for stuff to take pics of stuff, found a road that was cool, and went to the cemetary...it was kinda sad cuz i tooks pics of my great g-ma's grave...oh well i think the pics will be cool to have. then i was out drivin and wound up goin to chris' and picking him up...we talked and i drove around, back roads and all the way to marshall...but we needed to talk. so we did. we got everything out we needed to say...i didnt' look at him at all...or i would've cried my eyes out...i waited till i was drivin home by myself and then i did. good thing i held strong. so i walked into the ice cream shop, was ok, then allie and kane just were bustin the jokes on me and i just walked out and started BALLING omg...kane was like omg what's wrong! i was like me and chris broke up...and she's like i didn't know i'm sorry! but after they got out we went and got some dog food at wal-mart, went and got a blunt from brandon (allie's friend) and then went to my house. lizzie left for work and me and alliecat went and got pizza and chips and soda for the Bacardi O, got back and i accidentally locked kane's keys in her car, so we didin't tell her...till after we smoked and then i told her...she was pissed! but she was laughin at me too much when i cried at Nemo's mom dying on the movie, so it was all good. then bob, chris g, and AARON showed up and just chilled with us...all of us...high...in my house...god...what a site that would've been to see. ha but yeah...so i talked to aaron tonight too, and i think me and kane's plan is going to go through!! this was the plan:
1 - me and chris break up and are just friends
2 - alliecat and ian get together
3 - kane and adam get back together (which is in progress along with alliecat and ian)
4 - something happens with me and aaron...like start talking or whatever :-)
so far things are goin ok...God just let the rest of it play out and PLEASE help me with the college deal...i don't know where to go! i told my mom today since we're movin to GR after school is over i might go to grand valley and then live at home or close to home when she moves up there....i think that'd be cool...or just go to state! ahh i dunno! but aaron told me tonight...you're doin ok with it and things will be fine .... hehe :-) gotta love that kid! well i got my paper done so i think i'm gonna hit the hay early tonight! nighty night
2003 9 November :: 10.14 pm
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: someday - nickleback
it's been a long weekend...and a lot of thoughts going through my head right now...but i'm so drained from the day and everything tha'ts been goin on that i just have to go to bed and not worry about it till tomorrow...i had a long talk with ben, and it made me feel a lot better...he's like my brother and my best friend...i love the guy to death. chris and i are over...but things happen for a reason...i'll always love him, that's never going to change. but we just can't make it right now...and i have to get my shit together. cuz i'm tired of being lost and confused in my life. about school, about love, about my friends. maybe things are going to come around and i'll be fine...sometime. well...i'll explain everything later...but time for bed. good night
2003 6 November :: 11.12 pm
:: Mood: calm
all or nothing at all?
well today dragged on like no other...probably because it's thursday and we dont' have school tomorrow, yay! so after school i went to the eye doc, then the bank, came home and then went and babysat my cousins then went to wal-mart and got some film to take pics tomorrow! then...i came home and was BORED outta my mind, Kane got out early of babysitting so she came over and i was talking to chris...
that i'll tell you about in a min...but we went and just drove around and then 2wayed traci and went to her house cuz she got ciggarettes for kane and she smoked and we just chilled and talked, then we left there, drove around a lil more, and then came to my house and she went home! so it's been a cool and collected night...besides the whole chris situation...speaking of which...
ok, so we were just talkin and i was tryin to find somethin to do, but then hes like, ok it's going to be brought up, what's on your mind? i told him i didn't know, i wasn't really thinking about anything except i was confused on what to say to him about the whole "us" situation. so i told him i didn't want a relationship, but i love him more than anything, but it's too much stress and we're better off just as we were before...but then i realized that that wasn't going to happen. he told me he couldn't have the "in-between" anymore cuz he felt taken advantage of and used...which is rediculous...i love him and we were fine before, what's wrong now...but again i can see where he's coming from. so pretty much O-town and their damn song sum it up...he wants it all, or nothing at all. of course he still wants friends, i couldn't live without us being friends, and he has faith that i don't too he said, because i know that if we break up we won't hang out as much, or talk as much and things will get weird...as always and i dunno...it just went on and i told him that i don't want him to think i don't love him anymore, and he said he would never question it, but he wonders what love means to me because it's obviously something different than what it means to him...and he told me what it meant to him...and he pretty much described what was going on between us...and what he's done for me...because he loves me. and i don't ever doubt that, nor will i ever doubt it. i asked him if there was going to be no more 'i love you's' if we break up, and he said as long as he feels that way, he'll always say it, and he'll always mean it. so that was ONE relief out of the night...but the rest was up in the air. it pretty much ended in we have to talk about this face to face and i can't talk about it anymore tonight...so i told him i love you and he said the same and that was that. i know he loves me, but i know he questions whether i love him as much as he loves me. but i question how much he loves me in the first place. so i think we're both being questioned, but he doesn't know it and i do...that's why i am the one backing out...because i question myself at the sametime he does. i want to talk face to face...but i know i won't be able to tell him it's over face to face...so it's going to make it harder or easier to let him go or just stay together and try it...ahhh!! i just wanna scream, and hope that he would hear me for once...and that i wouldn't hurt everytime i thought about it...it's going to rip me apart, so why do it? i'll still love him the same, i'm just going to lose a huge part of him...of us...of our relationship and friendship that we've made...but i remember how it was before...no arguments, no fights, no anger towards the stupid things we do...we were friends...in love...and it was as good as it gets. maybe it's time to face the fact that me and chris either belong together or not...he wants it...but i'm scared of it...so it's my decision. and i HATE making decisions...i don't even know what shirt to put on in the morning...what am i going to do now...?? God, if you're there...send me a sign or SOMETHING...i need help...majorly.
a desperate and confused soul,
2003 3 November :: 10.08 pm
:: Mood: frustrated
:: Music: michelle branch - empty handed
well i haven't wrote anything in here in a WHILE but...i'll update later...right now...i need to vent!
so here's the deal...me and chris are back together and throughout the WHOLE weekend we DON'T talk! what kind of bullshit is that!? on friday (halloween) we go to this cornfield maze with him me ben danni and kane and he doesn't even talk to me there....then we go to bobby's later and he doesn't say a word to me!! oh becaue he thought i had feelings for bob! WTF! yeah i'm a dirty whore and i go after his friends...OH how could i forget!?! silly me! so we FINALLY talk on saturday....oh wait...no we didnt'! he wouldnt' even talk to me when i called him cuz i ended up babysitting instead of hanging out with him! HE COULD'VE CAME OVER i was right next to him at my cousin's house!! ugh...so sunday night we decide to do something, so he comes over and we rent a movie, which i have to take back, and just chill...and i keep tryin to talk to him, and bring up...."us" but it just aint workin...so he leaves and then i bring it up online...and he totally goes off! sayin that i don't have any feelings anymore and because i like bobby and that lauren and bob told him that and all this BULL SHIT that i couldn't even believe!! ugh! so i talked to him tonight and i was just pissed so i didn't say shit to him, and then just went to the hockey game with kane...and THIS is what he put in his profile...
"You don't want it fine....tell me, then I can end the pain of trying when there is no hope. I give what I can and it's not enough so fuck it."
well FUCK YOU TOO! if he's just gonna think that it's totally over maybe i should move on and think the same thing! i mean i love him to death, he KNOWS that and just because i dont' wanna be official i'm supposed to just stay that way and be tied down by his chains and not care about what i feel...because he's happy and that's all that matters.....oh wait....this is HIGH SCHOOL!! i don't want to be married already! maybe in the future chris...but not right now...i love him and i want it just to be me and him....not "US" cuz relationships SUCK ASS and they only cause problems like this...i HATE them!! so get me out of this...but i don't know what to do or how! ahhh! i just wanna scream and have everything be fine...but he won't hear me...he won't even listen to me now...so what am i supposed to say...you don't understand me so i guess it's just over??...i don't want to...but maybe it's going to come down to that...fuck love.
2003 28 October :: 8.23 pm
:: Mood: good but bad...
:: Music: saliva - let me rest in pieces
well i'm still sick...so not feeling the greatest...but good news...me and chris got back together! =) so that's exciting news...i just wish that i could be more happy about it...cuz i know i'm not acting like it and...i wanna be more excited but...i dunno...i think it hasn't sunk in and it was just kinda a pop up and outta no where happening and...ahhh i dunno...can't really talk about it in here...so i'll leave it at that...
had to babysit tonight...kids were tired so they went to bed early...it was traci's b-day today and tiff went and got her a sweatshirt and t-shirt and we're gonna split it and give it to her from the both of us! so that was cool but...i really wish i wasn't sick anymore, i might end up going to the doctor on thursday if i'm still sick...cuz i cant' stand this no voice thing! ahhh...
i wanna be happy...but is this the thing i really want...or is it just a cover up??...i don't know anymore...i just know i can't hurt him...God help me!!!!
let me rest in pieces...
2003 27 October :: 6.34 pm
:: Mood: sick
:: Music: meet virgina - train
what a day...
well i woke up sick as a dog...and the rest of the day just crawled by like a snail...
i haven't done much of anything today...slept 2nd block, went home for lunch and mom wouldn't call me in so i went back and dragged myself through sociology and math. tiff found out that i smoked this weekend and she wouldn't talk to me when we were leavin for lunch, cuz amy said something and now tiff's pissed...ahhh!!! fuck everything! so i have a test tomorrow in soc class, a paper due on friday, math quiz on wednesday and mores due on friday...can't forget about any of it...i hate school, it can kiss my ass right now for all i care, i'm so sick of my teachers and their bull shit they put on us kids...but oh yeah...i'm not supposed to be a kid anymore...i'm supposed to be all grown up and be responsible for everything in the world. it's some bull shit, i'll tell ya that.
k...the guy situation...or should i say...the chris situation. it's going no where...pretty much to sum it up. it's my choice he said last night, i have to make the move of whether it goes up or down from here, so i guess just being friends is out of the question for now...which SUCKS ASS...so who knows what i'm going to do...i hate love right now and it hates me. so you know what...FUCK LOVE!! ahhh, i could scream but my voice is gone so that's not gonna happen...kane's comin over after work to bring me some ice cream so i'll talk to her and then call chris later...prolly not talk about much, cuz i really can't talk right now...but who knows...but yeah, that's it for my shitty day! better go get ready for another one tomorrow!
1 falling star |