Tonight
As I was heading to the front gate to leave campus, who should I see but that teacher I like. I said hello and he asked me where I was headed off to. I really don't see what difference it made or what business it was of his specifically, but that's alright. Especially considering that I'm pretty much a model fucking student. I haven't been in trouble once since I've been there, although it seems like it would be a LOT of fun and very worthwhile to start some! At least I'm not as psychotic as I was in high school, otherwise he'd have to be careful about paying me any attention that wasn't absolutely necessary. They all watch us almost invasively, though. Not that some people don't need that. Still, though, it is somewhat violating. I don't care what the fuck their excuse is. I've been in office administration all week. I really love the teacher ( admittedly not along the same lines that I " love " the other teacher ), but the subject matter is boring as hell to me. It's not too bad being in there, though. I might just be able to stick this out after all. Last night was rough(ish), though, because I was lying down trying to sleep because I was pretty sick. Then these dickhead guys come in my room to inspect/search the closets. They didn't actually search them, but they were assholes none the less. I cleaned mine up and then went to sleep. Then I had to fucking wake up and go outside at 11:30 at night because there was a fire alarm. I first heard it was because someone was straightening her hair and then I heard it was because someone was lighting paper on fire in her room. I don't know which is true, but either way, that person is an asshole and if I get woken up for something retarded again, I'm going to beat the shit out of someone. Fuckin' Job Corps.

So, after two weeks straight at Job Corps, I came home and actually relaxed a bit. I smoked up, which is nice, and I did some clear, blunt, and realistic thinking. When I look at my life objectively, I want to kill myself. Not literally, I just can't believe any of it. It's all been so stupid and a lot of it embarrassing. I can't help but laugh ( because otherwise I really might kill myself ), but for Christ's sake! Friends Don't Let Friends Date...fill in the blank! EWWW!!! I may really have to leave Job Corps because of this. I'm sure it will never be forgotten, but there's nothing I can do about that. Is it too late to salvage my pride? Hahaha! People suck so bad. I wish Brianna was around, honestly. She, at least, would be honest with me and keep me in line in her own way. Ah well. Guess I'm on my own from now on. That was working a lot better for me than getting involved with people.

JC ( Job Corps )
Also, even though I gave them my health insurance card, which is all the people in wellness told me to do if I didn't need/want MassHealth, they fucking signed me up for MassHealth because I'm from New Hampshire and " if I have to go to a doctor, they don't want to be sending me all the way to New Hampshire. " I told the woman, " I'm on my father's health insurance and I was living in Massachusetts until August and it was accepted by all the doctors I was seeing in Mass. " She actually fucking said to me, " Oh, I wish you'd explained that to me earlier. " WHY THE FUCK WOULD I HAVE HAD TO!?! WHY WOULD I THINK TO BE LIKE, " Oh, by the way... " I HATE THIS FUCKING PLACE SO MUCH!!!

Job Corps
I hate this place so much. Not only am I stuck taking English classes where I don't do anything because I shouldn't be there ( the teacher knows this and said I can do whatever I want in class ), but I found out on Monday that there are no open spots in the trade I want to take. There won't be until people complete. The course is all self-paced so there is no way at all to know when spots will be open. So basically, I CAN'T accomplish anything I came here for. This place is Hell and I chose to come here and live in it to better my life and I can't even do that because of how fucked up the system is. My Enlgish teacher thinks I should take office administration first and then do pharmacy tech, but I beg to differ because I can't deal with this bullshit. My goal was to be out of here by June. That's eight months, more than enough time to get through what I needed to. But now I can't do that and I can't imagine being here even that long, not if I'm not doing what I actually want to, what I actually came here for. Back in Marlboro, MA, the school where I did my cosmetology course has a nine-week night course for pharmacy tech. Yes, you have to pay for it, and yes, I'd have to commute there a few times a week from New Hampshire, but when you compare that to what I am going through here, and consider that at Assabet it would take me about 2 and 1/2 months to complete the course whereas here it's going to take me God knows how long, then fuck this place! I could be done at least two times sooner at Assabet, get a job, work for a bit and then go to college like I was planning to after Job Corps, anyway, and NOT have to deal with all of this fucking bullshit here.

Job Corps.
These people are seriously incompetent. This morning, they have me scheduled to do what they call a Winn Lab. I come into the classroom and follow the instructions on the board to get to the website. I ask the teacher if I'm on the right website and he says he doesn't know because he's just a substitute for the day. So I try to log on and I keep getting the message " Student not found. " I told the teacher but he didn't know anything about it. At that moment, another teacher walked in and he said I could ask her. So I did. She told me that unless you've been put in administratively, you can't log on. I told her I didn't know what I was supposed to do, in that case, and she said she didn't either. Oh, I am SO glad to be in a place that supposed to train me to have a working fucking life and the people in charge don't know what the hell they're doing! What the fuck is wrong with these people!?! Everyone told me this was a good decision for me and it would definitely be worth it. But is it? I have NEVER heard anyone say, " Job Corps was the best decision I ever made. " This is fucking bullshit. I came here to get my life in order and the people who are supposedly here to help with that don't even have the fucking program in order. I'm so aggravated right now. AND they have me scheduled for two periods of English classes I don't need and shouldn't have to take at all because I got the highest possible score when I took the reading placement test. WTF!?!

Job Corps.
This week, I'm in a computer class at Job Corps. It's pretty good, which is a nice change from things being complete crap. The ridiculous thing is that, even though I wasn't one of the ones playing it, anyway, we are not allowed to play solitaire on these computers in our spare time. Why? Because even though the name itself means " solitary " which, in this context, means " a game you are playing alone, " we are not allowed to play it because the center director considers it " gambling. " What the shit is that!?!

Westover Job Corps.
Another thing about this Job Corps: there is a staff member on center who gets VERY angry, or at least likes to give the impression that he does. He screams at us when he gets angry. And it's the kind of screaming that makes you think he's a psychopath. I'm sure it's meant to instill fear in us. But it doesn't because all he can do is scream. We could presumably sue the shit out of him or have him arrested if he ever physically hurt us. I don't think he would, anyway, because when he's not screaming, he seems like a nice enough guy. But at the last meeting we had where he was present, he got so angry that he kicked one of the metal, folding chairs over. That pisses me off for two reasons. One: Because the staff likes to put a TON of emphasis on what behaviors are and are not acceptable in a professional, working environment and clearly this guy has a job and isn't exhibiting professional behavior and yet has not been fired. So that's contradictory. The other reason it pisses me off is because work-environment aside, it is extremely hypocritical. If one of us trainees exhibited behavior like that, we would be required to take anger management or we would be terminated from the program. At least one staff member has said to us, " I wish I had known about Job Corps. when I was your age. " He said that in an effort to make us appreciate the shithole place it is. So I want to be like, " If you really want to understand, why don't you sit the fuck down and we'll talk down to you and treat you like lesser beings than us and THEN you can tell us how wonderful it is and how grateful we should be. " But, of course, it is a free, federal government program, so they can do whatever they want and we just have to take it. They could probably get the staff members cleared of charges if they raped a student/trainee.

Westover Job Corps.
So here's the deal: I've been enrolled at Westover Job Corps. center in Chicopee, MA since October 25, 2012. What led to me enrolling there is a combination of things. I didn't have my priorities straight when I tried going to college those two times and then my drug addiction and lack of prioritizing led to me squandering all the money I could have used for college. So now I'm Job Corps. It's a very sketchy place. Given that there are 620 ( at least that's what they told us ) trainees from the ages of 16-24 swarming all over the place and that Job Corps. is often a last resort for people and sometimes the only choice if you don't want to go to jail ( from what I hear ), a lot of the trainees are immature assholes. They run around campus and up and down the halls screaming, which is unnecessary, and it's always about nothing. Everyone is SO concerned about people saying bad things about them behind their backs. I've never understood that. So and so said something bad about you to someone. Why do you even care? How does that in any way impact what you're trying to do or how you plan to live your life? There is no reason to get into a fight about it and cause a huge scene that everyone is going to watch because it's just like watching TV in person. Everyone feeds off of each others pointless drama because apparently no one has a satisfying or interesting enough life to just shut the fuck up and get on with things. Almost everyone there has a severe attitude problem. Do they think they can behave like that if they even manage to make it through Job Corps. without getting terminated and get a professional job? And culture has made everyone talk like uneducated morons. I often wonder if people are still going to be saying things that don't make sense and sounding completely stupid when they are 40 and 50 years old. If some of the staff members are anything to go by, then unfortunately, yes, all of these idiots will still be outwardly projecting that they are idiots when they have all the influential life experience the staff ( or at least the center director ) likes to rub in our faces that they have. At the CPP luncheon, the center director said that she saw us as adults and would treat us like them. She then immediately contradicted herself by saying, " How many of y'all think you know more than adults do? " I'm sorry, but did you just tell us you saw as as adults and then imply that we aren't because we don't know as much as you? I SO wanted to raise my hand, but I knew it would just lead to more lecturing and bullshit, so I didn't. She was telling us, " I've been 16-24, I got a baby daddy, I know... " blah, blah, blah, telling us she and all the other staff have been through everything that we have, we are, and we will be going through. I very badly wanted to ask if she or any of the other staff have woken up on a dead body, but you know, contradiction and skepticism about what the staff thinks is very much frowned upon. Besides looking down on us, some of the staff members are straight up assholes. I went to their after-training-day art class on Veteran's Day and this male staff member, who is apparently the overlord of the Dungeons and Dragons club/class, came into the art room because some trainees were having a pizza party in the room they usually have D and D in. He was going to ask us to leave if we didn't have some kind of clearance to be in the art room ( where the hell else would art class take place? ), so I asked him if he wanted to see the booklet where it listed art class and he said, " Yeah, let me see it. " Mind you, the ONLY thing the booklet is is the schedule of the evening classes. So I pulled it out and started saying, " See, it says here that art class starts at... " And he cut me off and said, in a very rude and condescending way, " I'm quite aware of the schedule, thank you. " Then why the fuck do you want to see it!?! And why do you have to be a dick when I try and show you!?! He is an asshole. Don't get me wrong; there are some really cool staff members, too, but most of them don't understand us at all, despite what they say, and some are straight up condescending dickheads. I have been there for a whole month and I have essentially accomplished nothing. The staff likes to tell us not to complain because everything is free and if things were so bad there, we wouldn't still be there, but like I said, it's a last resort, and since when was anything free of particularly good quality? It sucks. Never, EVER run yourself into the ground so low that Job Corps. is your only option. And raise your children to think that way, too.

Love?
Alright, so I met this guy through a dating website. I told him I was just looking for friends in the area, which was true. So we talked back and forth, in great detail, well thought out intelligent messages, not about sex or about things that don't let you get to know anyone at all, but about our own personal issues, what we're doing with our lives, how we feel about religion and other things. This all started on Sept. 30. I noticed he was cute, of course, and when I noticed that he was only 18, that peaked my interest, too. To be continued...

Fuck You!
I understand that smoking is a stupid addiction and it's my fault for not quitting, etc. And I understand that it's not my parents' responsibility to pay for my cigarettes. But today my dad took my mom's car and I'm not allowed to drive his unless my mom is with me. So I wanted to go around to a few places that have smokers' outposts and things, which would have taken like 20-30 minutes. But my mom is too " exhausted " to sit in the fucking car doing nothing for me to go around and do this. FUCK YOU!!! I wouldn't be so pissed if she didn't ask me to drive her every single fucking place that's further than 20-30 minutes away because she " can't " drive that far. So fuck her! If she can't so much a sit in the fucking car so I can get whatever I can to smoke, then she can drive her fucking self to Marlboro, MA every weekend like she wants to. Or to any doctor's appointments that are " too " far away. Fuck this bullshit!