Dear Die-ary, I think Im dead..............................."I should have known from the word slut branded on your forehead" ........................................"Mors Principium Est" (Death is the Beginning)


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:: 2011 30 August :: 11.28pm

My daughter is turning one at the end of this month. Its amazing how much life has changed. I adore her so much and I can't begin to explain how much better my world is with her in it

break my being


:: 2009 18 May :: 9.36pm

I've been listening to Ashanty a lot lately
Her lyrics fit the description of my life and capture the emotions fairly well...


All alone and I'm feeling wanted
Try to wait but my body's calling, you're the one so why don't
You come and rescue me,
I'll be here while you on your way, counting down till I see your face,
Hurry up cause I love the way you rescue me.
Now your're here, come on out, the rain soaking wet
Body glistening, finally we could do something so rescue me,
Can't believe how it's going down,
I'm so obsessed with this love I found it got my head spinning
Round and round just rescue me.

All night long Take me away to another place,
Rescue me save me, save me save me all night long
Take me away to another place rescue me
Save me, save me, save me

I come alive when I feel your touch
And I can drown In this pool of love, you could get what I'm thinking of
Come rescue me, what you think couldn't be replaced
If you were gone I would find a way to get you back,
Cause I love the way you rescue me, laying here with you in the dark
I always knew you could shift my heart,
When I'm with you I don't want to stop so rescue me,
Only you can fulfill my need take me away from this agony,
I want to live out my fantasy just rescue me.

Rain On Me

I'm lookin' in the mirror
At this woman down and out
She's internally dyin'
I know this was not what love's about

I don't wanna be this woman
The second time around
'Cause I'm wakin' up screamin', no longer believin'
That I'm gonna be alright

And over and over I tried
Yet over and over you lied
over and over I cried, yeah
I don't know why

And over and over I tried
Yet over and over you lied
over and over I cried, yeah
I don't know why

Rain on me
Lord, won't you take this pain from me
I don't wanna live, I don't wanna breathe
Baby, just rain on me
Lord, won't you take this pain from me
I don't wanna live, I don't wanna breathe, tell ya just

See, I don't want to hug my pillow late at night no more
I'm tossin' and turnin' and thinkin' 'bout burnin' down these walls
I-I don't wanna fuel this fire no more, no more, no more
See, I made up my mind 'cause I've wasted my time
Ain't nothin' here to keep me warm

I'm so tired of the rain
In my life
And I'm so tired of the strain
And now you're gonna lie

'Cause sometimes I can't sleep at night and
This here it just don't seem right and
Sometimes I just wonder why I
Almost let my life go by

'Cause sometimes I can't sleep at night and
This here it just don't seem right and
Sometimes I just wonder why I
Almost let my life go by


Can't believe that it's over baby
But every bruise on my heart you gave me
See we tried but we fight then we cried now it's over babe it's over babe.

When I met you I knew you would be the one,
for me cause looking at you made me feel kind of
crazy, now what you asked I almost did it automatically
but it was nothing compared to the joy you gave me.
Although I know that what we had it wasn't perfect babe,
you fooled around, but see back then it didn't phase me
I thought by staying, trying to change you would be worth it babe,
but now I see that trying to change you only changed me.
All these tears,and all of your lies
all these years and now we're saying goodbye, it's over babe.

Now I'm thinking that I never should have dealt with you,
all this screaming and this yelling
that we go through raining late at night I'm sitting waiting up for you
just to tell you how I hate who you turned into,
see ain't no way I'm gonna sit and take this shit from you,
I'll never play another day of being your fool,
I wasted all my time on something that just wasn't true,
I should have known I could never ever change you.
All these tears, and all of your lies,
all these years and now we're saying goodbye it's over babe.

I'll never forget what you did to me so I'm gone I'm leaving leaving baby,
I'll never forget
what you did to me so I'm gone I'm leaving leaving baby.
Whenever you see me don't even speak,
I'll never forget what you did to me.
Whenever you see me don't even speak, I'll never forget what you did to me.

I'll never forget what you did to me so I'm gone I'm leaving, leaving baby.
I'll never forget
what you did to me so I'm gone I'm leaving, leaving baby.


break my being


:: 2008 9 October :: 10.27am
:: Music: PRAY--- Till I go blind?

A little excerpt from the wisdom that is Bill:
Why shouldnít we, as in the human race, do what we want to? Why are we so bound to a life of prejudice and repetition of the same old boring shit to the point that one would actually claim that they hate their life? For fuck sake you only get one. Youíre born, you live, you die, and all that matters is what you did during your life not what others say you are supposed to. The idea of obligation is purely an issue of perspective, one is obligated to do what is necessary to support oneís own way of life. But that is not what we are taught. We are taught that an obligation is something you have to do and they even tell us what those obligations are: go to school, go to some type of church, donít commit crime, listen to your elders, listen to the police, cooperate, get a job, go to work, pay your taxes, listen to the government, do what youíre told, donít ask questions, get married, buy lots of worthless shit, and close your eyes, mouth, ears, and mind. These are all obligations of the delusional vegetables, the fucking nine-to-five commuter mother fuckers, the American dreamers. Those who enjoy it authentically are doing whatís right for them, but the majority of this population are loathsome and lonesome, overweight and underpaid, and eerily ignorant to the nutrient starved bone. Their lives pass by them in clouds of what could have been. And every day they question why but not how or when it can be fixed because theyíve been programmed to follow protocol and to be a component of the machine. The powers donít want a world full of happiness seekers because they would soon find that the happiness seekers are less than interested in furthering the endeavors of the hierarchy. We would all find zero, the middle ground where all are equal and no one person has authority over another and everyone accepts eachother as part of the whole. But then nobody would be in control and there would be no more rich or poor just happy people using their short time on the planet to learn and experience that which interests them not serving those of the hierarchy. We would all realize that reality is a matter of perspective and itís aspects are there and we are charged with finding a way to feel about it. We say right and wrong as if they are natural absolutes like night and day but they are just opinions, perceptions mapped by personal preference. If one feels something is wrong someone else feels it is right who wins? Its natural predisposition which clued me into this view why some of us enjoy something and some of us severely dislike it/ theres obviously a purpose for this natural feeling, like shitting or sex we feel an urge to pursue that which makes one happy. But we are taught not to endulge this urge just like we are told that sex is death by STD. But this urge is undeniable, if you hate something and you donít want to do it that is your brain telling you that what you are doing is not consistent with your inner rhythms and thus should stop and set about doing what suits you. Spend your life how you want contentment and happiness are success.

I'm going to read those words every time I start to feel unbalanced or unhappy.
Why did he have to leave?
He was the best at keeping me level and in the right perspective
He always made it so hard not to see the up side of things or keep my head over the water...

break my being


:: 2008 8 October :: 4.51pm
:: Mood: betrayed
:: Music: A Perfect Circle - Rose

I realize now
That I have tried to be someone else ever since we got back together
Just to be someone you wanted to stay with
Just because you're changing for me as well doesn't mean its the same
You're just trying to be someone that doesn't hurt me
Or are you just trying to hide the fact that you're someone who DOES hurt me?
Were we really meant to be together?
That's not something I can answer.
I'm yours through and through
But that doesn't go both ways.
So tell me, were we meant to be together?
Or is this just one of those things that was great while it lasted but was ultimately created to be destroyed..?
I love you

break my being


:: 2008 17 September :: 6.46pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: Walking Through the Forest - Dan Gibson

I guess I'll restrict my thoughts to here
I'm listening to this soothing music
Its trying to relax me, but my mind just isn't having it.
Is all that I hope for really not on the line?
My little bird whispers a sweet melody in my ear
It speaks of the love we share and how pure and wonderful it is
The little bird speaks of how he'd like to always stay with me.
How everything that is his, is mine
I kiss him and put him back in his cage and leave--go about my day
But even if I could lock the cage, he has the key.
When I go away, little birdy, I know you do too..
Where is it that you go?
I wait a little while, wait until I hear the latch let up, hear the window open, hear you flit out and away into the horizon.
I turn the corner and watch you go.
But I always wonder, that when I come back, will you be there like nothing happened.
Just like always?

But I suppose you aren't a little birdy
Tonight, you're out hunting
I hope you are safe
You say you're hunting for me, and I know that its true.
You placed some of your night's rewards in my hands.
I was relunctant to accept your gift.. I know it is one of pure love. That's why I don't understand how to accept it.
No one's ever given me a gift of that sort.
But I accepted it, and forced a smile.
I know you wish to make me smile.
You go out sometimes to collect that sweet smelling herb to relieve my stress.
You truly are a sweet little bird.
I lay here now and enjoy the herb, and I know that somewhere, you are too.
I miss you
I wonder if you noticed the thin golden chain wrapped around your ankle.
Yes, it will never come off, but it is not there so that I you may never escape me.
In fact, I didn't even put it there; you did.
Do you see that the little chain leads all the way back to me?
Into a wound on my chest; an incision not yet healed. Forever new, always with fresh stitches.
The chain is pierced in my heart, I was you could see the intricacy of the piercings, it really is a work of art. And every time you smile, a new piercing is put in place, making the chain ever more secure.
And you may pull as hard as you might, but this chain is not the type that breaks.
But this flesh is easily destroyed.
And should you pull hard enough, the stitches would come loose; you would pull my heart straight from my chest.
You could be free then.
I wonder if that will be a day I will ever have to face.

Please God
Let me keep my little bird in this cage forever.
You know I am a creature of love, and I will never do him wrong.
Please, give me this one gift, if nothing else.
Please let me keep my little bird.


break my being


:: 2008 15 September :: 6.03pm

The words in my brain right now?



I would prefer not to exist at all than to suffer through existance.
Life should go on?
What if you've lost the one thing you were living for?
What happens then?
Why should one have to live when they don't want to?
What's the meaning in suffereing through life?

2 more shards | break my being


:: 2008 5 May :: 7.47am
:: Mood: Music happy
:: Music: Just that.

Overcome by your moving temple
Overcome by this holiest of altars
So pure
So rare
To witness such a lovely goddess

I lost my self control
Beyond compelled to throw this dollar down
Before your holiest of altars

I'll sell my soul,
My self esteem
A dollar at a time for one chance
One kiss
One taste of you my Magdalena

I've beared witness to this place,
This lair, so long forgotten
So pure,
So rare,
To witness such a lovely goddess

And I'd sell my soul,
My self-esteem
A dollar at a time for one chance,
One kiss,
One taste of you my black madonna

I'll sell my soul,
My self-esteem
A dollar at a time

For one taste,
One taste
One taste of you my magdalena


break my being


:: 2008 5 May :: 7.45am
:: Mood: Bummed but Excited
:: Music: A Perfect Circle - Magdalena

Are you there?
I can't see you.

So tell me.

Are you still there?


break my being


:: 2008 24 April :: 12.06pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: A Perfect Circle - Gravity

I hereby
Give up on ever having a good birthday

Because clearly it just isn't going to happen.

This is the third year in a row.

A pattern has been formed.


Why are you doing this to me?
This year was supposed to be special.
I'm turning 18 and you promised to make it special.
You fucking promised.
This is a once in a life time thing and I'm not asking for anything but your time.
I just want to be with you.
Why is that so fucking much to ask?

You saw me last night.
What's the difference between Wednesday and Saturday besides a few days?
I don't fucking get it.
Why are ruining what was supposed to be the best birthday of my life...

Do you even know why it was going to be the best?
Because I would've fucking spent it with you, damnit.
That's why.

Do you even understand how upset about this I am?
I don't understand you because you don't make any freaking sense.
I don't fucking want to go to Touch Bass.
Do you just want me to go so you don't feel as guilty?
Because I'm bound to get really fucked up and have a good time regardless of how upset I'm going to be to be in Tampa without you?
I would rather just lay in bed with you all day cuddling.
Even if you were going to be depressed the whole time, and never smiled, I wouldn't fucking care.
I just want to fucking be with you.

I don't want to go to Touch Bass.
I just want to spend my birthday alone
Because clearly, its nothing special anyway.

To anyone who reads this
It wasn't really for your eyes.
So don't act upon it in anyway
And don't give any crap to the person who this entry was directed at
Because honestly, you don't know the story.
But I love you guys.

break my being


:: 2008 23 April :: 12.35pm
:: Mood: liberated
:: Music: Just this.


Don't disturb
The beast
The tempermental goat
The snail while he's feeding on
the Rose

Stay frozen, compromising
What I will
I am

Bend around
The wind silently
thrown about
Again I'm treading so
Soft and lightly

Compromising my will
I am

I am
I will
So no longer
Will I
Lay down
Play dead
Play your doe
in the headlights locked down
and terrified
Your deer in the headlights
shot down and horrified when
Push comes to pull comes to shove
Comes to step around this
Self-destructing dance that never
would've ended till I
I roared aloud here
I will
I am.

I am
I will
So no longer
Will I
Lay down
Lay dead
Play this
Kneel down
Gun-shy Martyr

I rose
I roared
I will
I am

break my being


:: 2008 16 April :: 9.14pm
:: Mood: bleh.
:: Music: PPK - Resurrection

Now that I think about it

Its always the same

I'm either chasing after someone trying to see them or we just kinda die off.

There's never an in between.

I'm either putting a lot of effort into the friendship or it just fades into the background.

Why can't there be some sort of in between...?


break my being


:: 2008 12 March :: 3.46pm
:: Mood: I gots a UTI!!! .-.
:: Music: Scooter - Maria (I Like It Loud)



Go away

Go away

And come back

After forever and a daaaaay..


PS -- There's blood coming out of my urinal hole



break my being


:: 2008 2 March :: 9.57pm
:: Mood: scattered, lost, crying.
:: Music: VNV Nation - Beloved

You're the one person
That could offer me any sort of comfort right now.
But how could I possibly ask you, of all people, to comfort me?
I'm mean, sure, I'm easily pacified.
All I would need is for you to be here in my arms with yours around me.
But I don't know..
I don't know.
I just wish I could be with you right now.

And I'm really sorry about your grandfather baby.
I don't know what else I can say..


I love you


break my being


:: 2008 5 February :: 7.26pm
:: Music: I can hear the dial-up sound in my head. Its hurting.

I really need
Some sort of closure.

I don't know what to do.

I can't get her of my mind.

And its really just... driving me into the ground pretty hard.

Back then, I was so desperate to do everything I could so that I could have a future with you. It was so easy to tell myself
"This will be over soon, I just have to deal with it for now, and suck it up, and then I can have my hope and my love back" and just push all thoughts of what you had with her to the back of my mind and just focus on trying to make you happy

And now I have you in a way that I never had before.
I never had you like this.
Now I feel like you've actually given me your heart to hold this time.
Laid it in my hands, and entrusted me with it.
And the only time I ever felt anything close to this was when we first got together, but then I was just so afraid I would somehow hurt you, and it was such a big fear because how badly you had been hurt.
But then you said "She's afraid she'll hurt me, but I know she cannot. She is incapable"
And I realized you were right. I could never hurt you.
But somewhere along the line I realized the reason I couldn't hurt you was not because I wasn't willing, it was because I didn't have the power to.
You kept me close to your heart
But its like you kept your heart locked in a box wrapped up in thick chains, placed it in my lap and said "Here. Hold this." and ran off.
And it was mine, but yet, I couldn't get to it.

But anyway.. Enough of my analogies.

You finally gave me everything I wanted and everything I wouldn't allow myself to hope for.

And now I truly have you.

I find myself at a standstill between my future with you and our recent past.

I guess its like...

I have a heaven on earth to look forward to, but hell is what I look back on, and hell is spiteful and angry I was able to escape and ascend, and is haunting me.

So I don't know.

I just really need closure...

Maybe I just need to talk to you about it more.

If that's what I needed for it to stop hurting, would you do that for me? I know its not something that is fun or enjoyable.

But if its what I needed would you?

I love you


break my being


:: 2008 2 February :: 11.19pm
:: Mood: broken and crying
:: Music: (Rockband) Nirvana - In Bloom

I don't know...

I have nothing to comfort me when you're not here...

And I can't forget.

But I want to....

I want to forget

Make me forget Malic..

Please make me forget!


break my being | Random Journal