...I am lost again with everything gone and more alone than I have ever been...


friends | profile | guestbook

Forever Alone in a Happy Crowd

recent entries | past entries

:: 2004 25 July :: 4.25 am

Your entry is as follows:

Today was really awful.
I got out of bed really early because my mom was yelling at me.

I feel sad, because Sarah and Britney are complete bitches. They told everyone I have an STD, just because I slept with both of their boyfriends on Saturday night.

I'm so sad. My kitten got run over this afternoon. I found him when I was coming home from school. His head was all squished. I took some photos. I'll miss him. Poor kitty.

Last night I had to masturbate twenty times. I'm so horny. Click here to see my website.

I want to tell the world to get fucked.

I am updating this journal for the first time in ages, because I've been in prison.

I want to say thanks to the world for absolutely fucking nothing! You all suck. I feel so alone, no one ever reads this journal, or even comments to let me know that I'm not suffering alone. It's cold here, and I want to die, but I cannot figure out how many of you to take with me when I go.

I went to the doctor yesterday, and he said I have bipolar disorder, which makes me different enough to be interesting, but the same as all the other cool people with bipolar disorder.

its 4 in the fucking morning and if you possess half a fucking brain cell u should have figured this entry out...

That's enough for now. But I'll leave you with this thought - sharing your life with strangers on the internet is the cheapest form of therapy available. Leave a comment and tell me I'm beautiful.

Created with the Gregor's Semi-Automatic LiveJournal Updater™. Update your journal today!
Powered by Rum and Monkey

like nobody's

:: 2004 23 July :: 2.32 pm

Nice Day...
This morning I had to get up early cuz I had a doctors appointment . I swear to god my mom said I had to leave at 8:45 but she really meant 8:15 so I had 10 minutes to get up and get dressed. Yeahhh so afterwards we were near west palm so we had breakfast in the most adorable place ever it was this artist's cafe and they had little tables with cool antique furniture and art all over the walls and art books everywhere and we were practically the only people there.

Afterwards we went to city place just as the stores were opening and it was really quiet. I did some major shopping it felt soooo good. I got the prettiest outfit from white house black market and another shirt along with earrings and shoes to match. They were having a really good sale. I love that store everything is so classy and elegant I wish I had an excuse to dress up all nice everyday. I'm going back for my homecomming dress.

Then I went to macy's and got these BCBG capris that are dark red (of course) and a couple of really cute shirts. I also got one of those chunky plastic bracelets to go with the outfit I had bought earlier. idk my mom was in a really good mood this morning for some reason.

Yeah so then we came home and I played with all of my clothes some more and my mom left for her doctors appointment....I hope everything is ok with that : \ don't really wanna talk about it...

anyway just another pointless entry

love to all


like nobody's

:: 2004 21 July :: 4.43 pm
:: Mood: happy/tired

Interesting day at the beach...
So Jimmy and I actually went to the beach today I didn't think it was gunna happen for some reason idk, but yeah it was nice seeing him since I haven't since the last day of school and it was also nice not having to sneak around in order to hang out like we used to.

Yeah so he came to pick me up and calls me halfway into my neighborhood to tell me that one of my neighbors up and died or something and there was like 2 ambulences in the middle of the street and he was all pissed off. For a split second when he said one of my neighbors was dead I thought he meant that there was just a dead guy in the middle of the street and he was calling me to bitch instead of calling the cops. lol c'mon it would have been a little funny. Then it got me thinking that like, what if we treated people who get hit by cars like roadkill. No one goes a picks up dead ducks off the road what if they just left a person in the middle of I-95 to just keep getting run over....I'm sorry those are sick morbid thoughts that shouldn't amuse me so much. Oh yeah and he also forgot all of his pictures from Europe to show me which was like one of the main reasons we were gunna hang out today lol.

Anyway we chilled at the beach for a while there were no waves whatsoever and the sun would only stay out for like 10 minutes at a time but it was fun watching jimmy's attempts at skimboarding especially when the water was so still. He kept falling on his ass and asking me how it looked like it looked any different each time it was pretty entertaining though. He was like yeah i'm gunna teach you now and he kept trying to get me to do it but after seeing what a dumbass he looked like I decided to pass, plus i'm sure if I fell at least one half of my bathing suit would have fallen with me and there were like 3 guys right near us watching lol. We started talking about our plan again to take a roadtrip through Europe together when we graduate it will be so great if we actually pull that off.

We were leaving when we ran into Jimmy's friend Barret and some chick I think I knew in middle school Barret wanted to try out the skim board so we hung out with them for a little bit before attempting (and yes i said attempting) to leave.

Yeah so we decided that the day world war III breaks out Jimmy and I are going to be hanging at the mall or something because us together is just the worst combination for bad luck. He goes to the beach all the time but today was the ONE day he had to lose his keys in the water. We ended up sitting in the back of his truck waiting for his dad to bring a spare for almost an hour. It was pretty funny actually.

Yup so he brought me home and got all molested by my dog lol and now I need to go eat something and take a shower so I'll write later.


2 watching | like nobody's

:: 2004 20 July :: 12.56 am
:: Music: beach boys-wouldnt it be nice...dont ask

this is one of those entries you shouldnt bother with...
well...I'm kinda idk what I am I'm just updating senselessly this is really mroe a rant for livejournal but I already updated that...

I read the notebook and I have to say I was disspointed as hell. Nicholas Sparks is a terrible author and reminded me of why I lean towrds the classics and modern english writers so much...americans authors suck these days they just keep writing crap and people read it thinking it is quality and they make lots of money off of amature level work. I men seriously I could have written some of that crap. He wrote an book entirely devoted to a love story which is risky because it has to be a damn good story to keep an audience intrigued, but not only that he wrote of these two lovers compleately driven by passion who were compleately complacent. He rushed through the conflicts of their youth compleately unceremoniously. You get no true sense of how deeply in love they were and the heartbreak they went through in each other's absense becuase he just fumbled through the entire backstory giving it to you reluctantly in bits and pieces in some attampt at literary device gone compleately wrong. The whole story was cheesy and the characters unconvincing in general. Books are supposed to sweep you into a new realm of reality to the point where you can believe anything they tell you because it is just that well written.

But yeah back to the complacency thing...one of the great paradoxes of life is that the greatest love stories are those arising from intense passion, but passion...is fed by strife and tragedy. There is heat there is anger there is nothing passive about it. Yet in the book when Allie is about to leave Noah for her finace after spending like 2 days of amazing sex together he just says ok well yeah I get it see you later. Nobody passionately in love would let them go without a fight. He wrote them with outside conflict keeping them apart which is good but there was no conflict within their relationship no heat nothing to fuel the passion he was insinuating. I don't think I am explaining this properly and maybe it was just me but...idk the movie was better and it's sad when the movie is better than the book it originiated from.

I never thought I could make it as a writer because I have yet to achieve that depth and richness in dialogue and character and plot development. It is always too simplistic and predictable and the only aspect of my writing with any possible merit is in descriptiona nd word usage. But apparantly that is enough these days so maybe I have hope yet.

I was so meaning to write about my weekend but bitching about retarded things comes so much more naturally to me

oh well...I'm a loser it's ok


1 watching | like nobody's

:: 2004 13 July :: 11.45 pm

and she returns....continued
mmm well I don't know what to do with myself so I guess I will finish my boring tale.

Yes so got home from publix made some more Daqueries and Coladas Margaux made fun of us for being big alcoholics who drink on sunday nights and went upstairs to study MCAT. It had turned out that Richelle wasn't going to be gone the whole time we were there and she was getting in at about 10:30 so at 11 her and Andres came over to chill.

lol we had an interesting night we all got drunk and started acting real bitchy. Andres was driving Richelle home so he didnt drink and instead decided to instigate the bitchiness. It was actually really funny.

We played fuck you which is like asshole only its a little different and it's a drinking game. Andres would just eat some ice cream instead of taking drinks since Margaux wanted us to finish it off so she didn't eat it. Of course he always won and made us all his beer bitches....makin us drink for pissing him off, pissing each other off, being rude to jerry (yes the giraffe from the nite b4), it was funny eventually we got bored of that.

Every1 had drank a lot of our stuff the other night but they also brought over more and left it so we had a pretty nice supply. I tried my hand at making a cosmopolitan myself and it went horrible wrong I had the vodka and the craberry juice and the triple sec but I messed up the proportions and it was way too strong. I drank most of it tho.

so yeah then Andres turned on Rules of Attraction....what a fucked up movie maybe it was just because I was intoxicated....I'll never look at James Vanderbeck the same again (however the fuck u spell it). Andres kept pissing me off I don't even remember how then he kept like grabbing the hat I was playing with away from me and I scratched him right where he had this scab and his arm started bleeding and I think i did it again later in the same spot by accident. lol I felt bad so I made him let me fix it by putting a tiny piece of tissue on it and wrapping scotch tape around his entire arm like 10 times it was so funny it looked like a retard did it but it cleared my drunken conscience a bit. heh

Richelle is such a bitch when she drinks its funny it rubs off on me. She said she wasnt my friend and she hated me or something and then we were talking about lesbians and I said if I was a lesbian I wouldn't want her and she got all sad and then I was being really racist and she was laughing her ass off....lol before calling her boyfriend a spick which is just never nice.

Yeah so at around 2ish I think they went home and we went to bed. The next day we woke up and hillary and margaux took hillarys car to the dealer to be fixed and michelle went along in her car incase they stalled on the way there. I was still not even dressed yet so I decided to stay at the house and take a shower and chill. I watched sum Dawson's Creek since there was nothing else on and nope....still can't look at dawson the same.

After they got home the three of us went out to lunch at El Toro which was this little mexican restaurant that michelle had been to when she was up there before. It was so cute and small like most people had never heard of it and the ppl there were so nice we could have really easily walked out on the check since they were taking forever but I would have actually felt really bad about it which is saying something.

After lunch we went back to the house to recreate the last scene of the Lord of the Rings where all of the hobbits jump into bed together and laugh and frolic lol well minus the frolicing we just kinda sat there being lazy asses for an hour or two. We decided Hillary's house was like a bed and breakfast only it was more of a "bed and bar" heh so we were amused by that idea for a while...this is a safe place we do not judge at the Hillary Inn. haha the mints and the wakeupcall...too great.

Later hillary tried to get us to run the stadium with ehr again but....its a big fricken stadium and we were on vacation. so we went over to richelles dorm to chill for a bit. Met her roomate amanda watched Andres be amused by stupidvideos.com for like a million years lol along with every little thing hillary said. Richelle was in Rawlings for the summer and the rooms were really small with communal bathrooms plus I don't think she likes her roomate much. idk she says the dorm isnt bad I guess it would take getting used to.

The next part of the day is really complicated and involved so I will tell you the short and slightly incomplete version. After leaving Rawlings we were wandering around and saw an old friend of Hillary's, Gabe, walk in. She had been hoping to run into him since they hadn't talked in a while but she had just left us to go running. So we called her to come back even though it was too late. You need like 3 different keys to get into the dorm and Richelle and Andres had already left for dinner and couldn't let us in. So we just hung around for a while and we were about to leave when we ran into another old friend of theirs Luke, said hello started talking blah blah luke just happens to be Gabes roomate so he invited us up to say hi. Did I mention that both of these guys are fucking gorgeous!!! Seriously tall built dark hair blue eyes athletic wow. So we went upstair and chilled in their room for a while talked about random things Hillary and Gabe spent some time catching up Luke had us all watching North Shore because he always watches it which I thought was kinda cute even tho that show is no match for the OC. We were leaving to go out to dinner since it was getting late and a bunch of their friends came over to the door to get them to go play racket ball and again....omg it was like an entire floor of abercrombie models it was amazing I really have to get out of highschool. The only downside was that luke and gabe were thinking of rushing for this fraternity that is known for guys who are incredibly hot but are unfortunately conceited assholes and are a bad idea to date. (not that id be likely to ever see them again so it doesn't matter)

yeah so hill got their new numbers and we headed out to dinner at olive garden. Then we went home and met yet another extreamly hot guy. Margaux's friend Kyle had come over after his birthday dinner. lol not the greatest way to spend your birthday but we were all talking and he told us stories about his crazy ex girlfriend and he was really nice I liked him a lot. Yup so michelle and I were all for drinking again and tried to pass it off as sum birthday fun for Kyle but he had to drive home lol so We ended up watching how to lose a guy in 10 days in hillarys room. I got so depressed from that movie it was ridiculous. All of the nice hot male exposure at one time I suppose lol I'm not used to it here. But yeah the kissing scene at the end I almost lost it which is cheesy but...idk I felt so alone. After that we listened to some sappy music to go with the mood and then watched family guy which cheered me up messed around online and went to bed. The next morning michelle and I got all of our stuff together said our goodbyes and headed home. Hillary and Margaux are comming home tomorrow anyway so I'm sure we'll see them soon.

Overall I had a fun I can't wait to go back and visit michelle once she moves in. My parents wanna come up for a tour during the year and they said I can stay with whoever I want. Im going to miss them all so much when I can only see them for the rare long weekend away. They really feel like family to me sometimes just because I feel so comfortable around them. I would tell them anything we can just sit around for hours doing nothing and somehow its fun I don't have to be self concious about how I act they just accept me as i am and idk I'm just going to miss them. blah so that was my trip I know none of you care but...I don't care I don't make you read it.

yes so now I'm home and making plans with my chub and my phatass for a night of dorkish fun...

oh yeah did I mention that I have sooo much country music in my head from michelle actually a lot fo it isn't bad and ALL of it is about drinking, and alcohol, and mexico and lost loves and suicide and redneck stuff right up my alley. This one song is so pretty and sad...Hillary said I went country in 3 days lol

*Whisky Lullaby*

She put him out like the burnin' end of a midnight cigarette
She broke his heart, he spent his whole life tryin' to forget
We watched him drink his pain away a little at a time
But he never could get drunk enough to get her off his mind,
Until the night.

He put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger
And finally drank away her memory
Life is short but this time it was bigger
Than the strength he had to get up off his knees
We found him with his face down in the pillow
With a note that said I'll love her 'til I die
And when we buried him beneath the willow
The angels sang a whiskey lullaby.

La la la la la la la
La la la la la la la.

La la la la la la la
La la la la la la la.

The rumors flew but nobody knew how much she blamed herself
For years and years she tried to hide the whiskey on her breath
She finally drank her pain away a little at a time
But she never could get drunk enough to get him off her mind,
Until the night.

She put that bottle to her head and pulled the trigger
And finally drank away his memory
Life is short but this time it was bigger
Than the strength she had to get up off her knees
We found her with her face down in the pillow
Clinging to his picture for dear life
We laid her next to him beneath the willow
While the angels sang a whiskey lullaby.

La la la la la la la
La la la la la la la.

La la la la la la la
La la la la la la la.

La la la la la la la
La la la la la la la.

La la la la la la la
La la la la la la la...

1 watching | like nobody's

:: 2004 13 July :: 4.00 pm
:: Mood: tired

And she returns....Part I
ok so this will most likely turn into a loong boring account of my trip to gainsville so I suggest you stop reading here.

Michelle and I made it there in about 4 and 1/2 hours and got to Hillary's around 1ish? idk but they have the cutest little town house ever its 3 bedrooms 3 bathrooms and it's just her and her sister Margaux living there so it's perfect. So we hung out for a bit got settled in got a look at domestic hillary cleaning and doing dishes which was quite amusing. Then we drove around a bit.

Went to publix to pick up some breakfast food and mixers for the lovely alcohol that Margaux had agreed to pick up for us later. We drove through the campus down frat row (lol it's actually a street) did some people watching....many hot college boys with nice bodies and longish hair in tight shirts were wandering everywhere : P. I really like it up there north florida is so much different, I mean it was still pretty fuckin hot but it was pretty there's a lot of big trees and spanish moss and it was just nice.

Then we dropped our purchases off back at their house and met Margaux's friend Joanie and her brother who were nice after they left we went out to dinner at Maui Chicken Teryaki which was really good there's lots of places to eat up there. After dinner we went to this guy alans apartment to pick up some more alcohol hillary had left there. lol we walked in cuz the door was unlocked and it was just....great shot glasses everywhere a wall full of empty alcohol bottles stuff everywhere the lamp was broken god knows how...I can't wait for that life lol. Anyway we eventually called them and found them in his GF's apartment down the hall, went into say hi and pick up even more alcohol (lol the "beverlys"). We also met Christina, Alans GF, Christine (lol yes 2 diff people just like home : ) ) and Keith, they asked us to bring all the stuff home and they would be by later to hang out.

When we got home Margaux had picked up our Rum and ice for the pina coladas and daqueries and some bacardis and smirnoffs and a bottle of vanilla vodka. We added all of the stuff we had picked up from alans to it and got started lol. Margaux left around 11 with some friends who had driven all the way from Sarasota to see her. It was these two marines Bobby and Ryan and Bobby's GF Christina (yes yet another christina) they were all comming back later too but we wanted to get started early.

So michelle hillary and I started making Daqueries and Pina Coladas and then Hillary and I invented this drink called a Cum Shot (she made it up I named it) all it was was a shot of Vanilla vodka with this french vanilla coffee creamer and from the name you can guess what it looked like. It wasn't that bad it was just nauseatingly sweet so everytime someone said this girls name that Hill didn't like we made them take a cum shot. Hillary and I weren't that drunk but we were being stupid and acting like it. Michelle was pretty bad cuz she started getting all depressed : \
We did take a whole bunch of pics on michelles fone including some of us in our sexy cowboy hats and Hillarys giant colada. She had this martini glass that was literally a foot tall with a cup as big as her head and she drank like 2 or 3 pitchers of pina coladas out of it. lol they were good minus the dust that she couldnt wash out of the cup ewwww. I was being so mean to michelle I pushed her down the stairs just because all it took was like tapping her on the shoulder lol and I put a chair leg on top of her hair when she was laying on the floor so she couldnt get up without ripping her hair out. then I stole her fone and her car keys and her hat and her drink....funny stuff <3.....lmao we also called richelle and Margaux asking for porn I'm afraid to say.

At like 1:30 Margaux still wasn't home and we were getting bored and and michelle looked like she was ready to pass out so we went to go to sleep when this guy Christian showed up so Hillary and I stayed up and talked to him until Margaux came home not long after with Bobby Ryan and Christina, then Alan Keith and the other Christina came over and we started having a little party type thing. I wasn't planning on drinking anymore but it wasnt long before I took another shot and decided to join in.

I finished off a 6pack of bacardis and one of michelles smirnoffs playing this drinking game that I think Alan was teaching us (plus the daqueries and shots i had had before) it was a lot of fun. I still wasn't very drunk well not stupidly drunk just happy i suppose. Keith started talking to me a lot and then it turned to hitting on me lol he kept telling me he was suppressing inappropriate thoughts that were running throu his head cuz Margaux told him I was still in HS (he didn't find out i was 16 until the next morning.) He was a frat boy I'm pretty sure and Margaux said by the end of the night it was the drunkest she had ever seen him which is saying something. I ended up taking care of him everytime I went to get myself water I made him drink it even tho I was getting dehydrated he could barely stand lol.

After a while the game got to be too much since the guys had been drinking straight whisky and we were doing waterfalls (ugh) and we had all gotten to the point of naming this Giraffe statue Jerry (not jeffery because that is taken by the toys r us statue) and we had made a rule in the game that before you drank you had to say Jerry may I.....yeahhh so at that point it was around 6am and christian alan and christina left leaving keith behind to sleep in the middle of the floor because he couldnt move. Bobby and Christina slept on the couch and Ryan upstairs.

I woke up around 1 in the afternoon and we all just kinda sat in the middle of the living room in the dark trying to wake up bobby and keith which just was not happening. Eventually we started cleaning up the bottles and cups all around the house. Hillary has this interesting habit of drinking out of a measuring cup and using serving spoons and forks to eat with when everything else is in the dishwasher lol. And we had used just about every cup in the cabinet. Yeah so I was a little hung over for once : \ so I took sum advil and we went out to lunch at fridays and I felt much better. We came home to find every1 just about where we left them only keith had been picked up and the rest were asleep on the couch watching big fish. We hung out in hillarys room a while just being lazy before we went to the mall. The one they have up there is pretty nice (the Oaks mall) they have this store buckle which i <3 love <3 i wish we had it down here. I was running short on money since my mom didnt budget in alcohol (whoda thought lol) when she gave me an advance on my allowance so going into the stores and having to refrain from buying anything was kind of like being a reformed rug addict in a crack house but eh....looking is nice : \

After that we went to cicis for dinner and much delerium ensued....its beyond words how stupid we are sometimes. Then we went to publix (with me wearing michelles nifty cowboy hat because it was dead sexy lol) again to pick up some more ice for pina coladas and such and some ice cream for margaux and some other stuff......

ok well this is getting quite ridiculous so I will break it up into 2 entries....more later call me if you wanna hang out this week or nxt week before dance starts much love and to be continued....


4 watching | like nobody's

:: 2004 9 July :: 3.25 pm
:: Mood: confused

Talking to Danielle inspired me to write a story I have kinda had in my head for a few days. It is making me very happy, writing is my therapy right up there with shopping. It's just ahrd to get motivated to write anymore : \.....yeah so that is what I have been up to lately, sad but....I could care less.

I owe myself crunches and treadmill time until I pass out....I'm confused again I don't know how to handle this anymore. I hate myself for being weak I hate myself for a lot of reasons. Maybe I'll just give in fuck willpower. maybe not idk....don't ask

Michelle is comming to get me at 8am tomorrow morning and we're leaving for Gainsville. Hillary informed me last night that a lot of her friends we woulda met had gone home for the summer and Richelle is home visiting her family this weekend which really sucks because I was exicted to see her but oh well we will still have fun I'm sure, not like I'm doing anything exciting here.

Well I have more writing to do gotta work out and pack and go to the book store to get something for the drive up. I'll be back around wednesday so don't miss me too much heh.

oh yeah I'm taking my driving test on friday...I'm afraid I will be the only loser to fail it but cross your fingers for me. Not that I'm a bad driver or anything I just might do something stupid under pressure. idk my mom was saying she wasnt going to let me drive right away but I made her let me drive her to boca so she could see that I'm not incompetant so...hopefully she'll be reasonable.

I'm so pissed because I have to do eagle ette shit the weekend my mom and I were supposed to go to NY. So we're cancelling the trip. My mom wont let me miss it because it looks bad and she knows I need to start proving myself and shit. All that I sacrafice for this fucking team gives me little to no payback and it never has but it makes me hate myself a little less to know that I am capable of being truly dedicated to something and taking responsibility where it is expected. It's a pride thing i'll never quit.

so that's that danielle we are definately going bowling when I get home maybe we'll even steal shoes this time : P If you have any crises while I'm away don't hesitate to call because well....you know those boys. Have fun with #1 and #2 <3

Actually anyone call me I love calls : )

someone is also going with me to see king aurthor when I get back...

this is enough back to the story at hand....


2 watching | like nobody's

:: 2004 7 July :: 8.12 pm

wow...I have been neglecting you poor woohu I think I am outgrowing this childish phase....perhaps not I'm sure I have a lot to say let us begin...

My new mental/physical health regime....see livejournal for details on that but I think it is a genuinely good idea and I would like to reiterate that I am a fucking genius. I realized today how much I really do think about him and how hard it is to control your thoughts. And the knowledge that I would have to do many crunches and push ups as a result of such thoughts made me really fight hard to drown them out of my head....I think I started singing Beat It in my head on the bus ride home just to be ridiculous and block everything else out. But the mental struggle actually kind of wore me out Anand said I ended up passed out for half of the ride home.

let's see what else have I been up to....saw the notebook this weekend with michelle and lauren after becomming devirginized to cold stones....it was long overdue that place is fucking awesome. Earlier that day lauren and I decided to see what the whole spray tan thing was about....kind of a waste of $25 but it was an experience. I was actually really dark for like a day but if you don't have a base tan to start off with it fades pretty quickly. Afterwards we went back to laurens house to play with the puppies. I want to steal them so bad they're adorable.

SAturday went with my parents to cityplace to see spiderman 2 I thought ti was good but my mom was being such a pain in the ass in the movie because she was bored...such a child

4th of july sat on my ass watching movies no fire works for me....seen em once you've seen em all. Plus I had no1 to go watch them with it's kind of depressing with ur parents and no friends or guy...idk.

Monday I drove us all to boca to meet me family for lunch as PF changs my aunt brought the baby so my mom was happy. I don't understand ppl who like babies....OMG he shut his eyes its so amazing its a fuckign miracle....who cares? When he's old enough to cure cancer I'll be impressed.

Today was the LAST day of summer school WOOOHOOOO. I'm going to miss it a bit I always end up making really good friendships in summer school every year it never fails. It's just a different atmosphere it's nice. They really should let us have breaks during the school year again it's so great. But yeah people like Ashley Treu and Rich (tho he is leaving now isnt he) who I never really talked to before and especially Amy and Christine I was never really close with but I really enjoyed their company and hopefully we will continue the friendship next year. And then there was people I was already pretty good friends with like Liz and Janyll and Adam. I'm going to miss the endless card games and the silliness. lol sharks in the forest....lord farquar....90's pop notebook etc etc...telling embarassing middle school stories and the uncontrollable laughing. lol how did we ever fit biology into these few weeks all I seem to remember is the free time. I feel so safe with all of my fellow IB losers we can all be in our own little world together.

We did have our exam today it was really easy we played biology jeopardy before lunch cuz we are gay like that and the rest of the day was just chillin in the room. I gave adam some real honest advice because it's just what I do and he got a little upset but hopefully not too much. I hope he sees that I'm right somewhere down the road. lol we did have a lot of fun today tho he tried to carry me down the hallway (at his own risk i mind u i warned him) and almost got a hernia. Janyll Amy and Adam locked me in the physics room and I was mad scared then we we were all running through the rooms like little kids. German was chasing someone down the hall it was just altogether immature craziness. So yup back to conditioning and dance tomorrow then it's GAINSVILLE! yup I'm still super excited to go away away away....bah I def have mroe to say but this is getting ridiculous. I guess I havnt grown out of it yet...


9 watching | like nobody's

:: 2004 2 July :: 10.05 pm
:: Mood: emotional

And they never gave up once....
they never fucking gave up and they grew old and died together and they were in love why can't that exist? The question isn't where are the prince charmings it is where are the love stories. Where is the devotion and the passion that makes people twist circumstance to make it through the hard times and reach the happy endings. The stories aren't perfect...they are perfectly sad and real and painful but beautiful all the same. I dont even know if I have teh capacity for such things but I'm now sure I believe that they exist somewhere in some willing hearts. I also believe it to be perfectly unattainable....I feel so lonely I just wish I had someone to scream at in the rain just scream and cry all the way into his arms where it can be all better again. I want to lie down and dance in the middle of the street I want someone who loves me enough to tell me i'm a big pain in the ass 99% of the time which I know I am and want me all the same....god it was just a movie but still.....just *sigh*

Catch me if I fall
I'm losing hold
I can't just carry on this way
And every time
I turn away
Lose another blind game

The idea of perfection holds me
Suddenly I see you change
Everything at once
The same
But the mountain never moves
Rape me like a child
Christened in blood
Painted like an unknown saint
There's nothing left but hope
Your voice is dead
And old
And always empty
Trust in me through closing years

Perfect moments wait
If only we could stay
Say the right words
Or cry like the stone white clown
And stand forever
Lost forever in a happy crowd

~The Cure~

2 watching | like nobody's

:: 2004 27 June :: 9.22 pm

this might be long....
Hey everyone I haven't really updated in a while...for me anyway. School has been ok as has the weekend. Only 6 more days to go and then i'm off to gainsville woohoo...well hopefully anyway we are having trouble setting exact plans because hillary doesnt know when she is going to be up there or down here I had a dream last night that the day we were supposed to leave michelle came to my house all pissed that hillary changed her plans again lol it's something that I could see happening and we all know how my dreams are.

Anywhoo I'm looking forward to that I miss hanging out with richelle and hillary and michelle and danielle and eating odd combinations of food laughing at anything and everything richelle did or said being delerious and drunk at 3am and all of the random spanish guys we would hang out with and all of our attempts to be spontaneous turning out horrible but making the best of it anyway. That is the high school I will always remember fuck everything else.

My mom has made me a proposal...if I go on this diet with her and keep working out and such we will go to NY for a long weekend so I can go school shopping on 5th avenue and at the boutiques and vintage stores in soho and the village. It's really because my mom just wants an excuse to get away...we can't go on a family vacation because my dad cant take time off. But really...how fat does she think i am that she's willing to go to such extremes. It's the perfect bribe because I have been whining that I miss shopping and it's been so long....it sadly is my therapy. Money has been tighter lately tho so I've had to forgo my weekly trips. idk I suppose she's just trying to prevent me from going bulemic again. It sounds aweful but being slightly unstable (or moreso) can work to your advantage sometimes.

Yeah so yesterday my mom and I went to cityplace to see stepfor wives...she loved it but i wasn't too impressed maybe I would have enjoyed it more with my friends but I was a little bored idk. We ate at legal seafood then we went shopping! like I said it has been forever so I was happy I got a really cute new outfit from anthropologie its kida different but I like it I got shoes to go with it at gap I'm still in search of a purse. I also got a cute top at this other boutique there that I never usually go into they have some really cool weird stuff but it was all expensive as hell I'm suprised my mom even got me the one shirt. Then I went to barnes and noble to buy the AP bio book which will hopefully help with all of that summer crap I have still refused to start.

talked to john this weekend which I havent done in a while I miss our conversations just dissing each other back and forth in creative ways. I always write these little stories about hsi future and he ends up either gay or with a 400 pound black woman or with a woman who is really a man so since it was his bday I promised i'd write a nice story where he got to have sex with an attractive straight woman it turned out pretty good if I do say so myself. It was nice talking to him though because he always gives me good relationship insight. He actually listened to me whine about my whole lost love situation...*sigh*

....thats all I can say about evan....*sigh* and I miss him like you wouldn't believe. I really did have good reasons for leaving him he was a big asshole to me but I can't seem to remember what hating him felt like. Absence really does make the heart grow fonder i suppose. you tend to romantisize things that were nowhere near as ideal as uyou remember them.

Danielle is in North Carolina : ( I miss my chub and her crazy conversations and living vicariously through her with her boys.

well this has gone on long enough I have school in the morning....bleh


1 watching | like nobody's

:: 2004 22 June :: 4.54 pm
:: Mood: sad

school days...
Yeah so...summer school...not so bad. Janyll, Adam, Christine, Amy and Ashley Treu are in my bio class. Then liz and greta and a whole buncha people are taking chem and physics which makes lunch and breaks enjoyable. We took some assessment tests in pairs the 1st day and I got paired up with adam...between us we actually remembered a lot more than I expected so I'm feeling a lot more confident about bio...though I'm sure my laziness will kick in and bite me in the ass over the year.

umm the bus was very uncrowded...got hit on by some little black freshman who was tryin to make anand look like a scrub funny stuff.

After school I had a couple hours to catch up on sleep since I only slept a few hours the night before (my internal clocks are still way fucked up). Then I had to wake up and start my first day at southern dance. I was kinda worried cuz I didn't know any of the teachers there or anything but I walked into my advanced ballet class which only consisted of 6 people. But the teacher just happened to be Ms. Heidi from my old studio who I trained with for like 3 years. That and the fact that I at least knew someone in the class (shersty) made me happy. lol the fact that it has been way too long since I have done ballet and I was hurting afterwards.

Thennn Britt and I went to Jazz with Ms. Penni which wasn't so bad since I know her a little from eagle ettes. Also Kristen, RJ, Ashley Skeen and Jenna were all in our class which was cool especially since I've only seen ashley and jenna a couple times since they graduated and I'm used to kristen and RJ teaching so being in a class with them was an interesting change.

After 7 long hours of bio and 3 hours of dance on like 4 hours of sleep I was EXHAUSTED! I still didn't get to bed until like 12 and I was in pain the next morning.

Today was a looooong day at school because we were taking notes for most of it...lol we were slightly amused by my idea to keep a diary of the stupid things some people said throughout the day...see livejournal for that little piece of bitchery.

I'm trying so hard to keep my chin up because...well I really did this to myself but I am seriously regretting letting Evan go like that. I was so busy trying to do what was healthy and right and what made sense but I didn't listen to my heart at all...I don't know if that is going to end up being a good thing or a bad thing. Why do I have to be so dramatic we could have been friends...maybe I still would have had feelings for him but I don't think not talking to him is going to change that anymore than talking to him would. Danielle thinks that he really was my first love and I suspect she's right...I just never wanted to admit it before because love really does hurt. I've never felt like this after losing someone before actually I usually get kinda pissed and then quickly stop caring. This is like a dull ache that I have all the time.

All I want to do is go running back to him and apologize a million times and beg him to forgive me but I know I can't do that I have created an unreconcilable breach in what was once a strong relationship...I will never know exactly what kind of relationship that was but all I know is that I cared about him more than I ever will about most people and he cared a whole lot about me (I think anyway). I spent almost two years falling for this kid two years obsessing over everything about him and I just walked away...let it all go in two minutes. He'd never forgive me and I'd never ask him to because as much as he hurt me I did my share of hurting and it's not fair to just mess with his emotions like that...I need to just leave him alone and let him hate me...It's so hard to not feel sad when everyone around me has relationships going on I had to walk away from a conversation today when it turned to christine and emy's relationship...it just hurt too much. It's going to be a long time before I find someone else I like who cares about me that much and until then this will never go away...

5 watching | like nobody's

:: 2004 19 June :: 5.31 pm

just let me sleep....
The past few days have been boring as hell. I have no desire to do anything I just want to sit in the house and mope and eat and sleep. If I'm sleeping the whole day can pass by without any sad thoughts going through my head. I sleep into the afternoon because I keep getting caught up in these vivid dreams that I never want to wake up from. The other night I dreamt about this guy who was so amazing I'm pretty sure I fell in love right there...it sounds dumb but my dreams are never just that...they always signal something or turn out having some significance later on. In the dream the guy and I finally kissed for the first time and then had to run away because the building started collapsing around us he started screaming my name and I woke up...I don't know what to think of that.

Yesterday was the officer meeting at Boston's it was pretty productive I think afterwards lauren came over to watch her soap and we went over some last minute things. Then I went back to sleep until about 8:30.

My mom left for Baltimore today I don't know how long she's gunna be gone because...well I didnt even know it was today she was leaving in the 1st place and...I don't pay attention. She kept saying to make sure I didn't forget Father's day was tomorrow and as sad as it is I most likely would have. My dad called and asked if I wanted to go out to dinner or the movies or something and I just said no...I could tell he was really disapointed. I don't know why I'm like that he's never done anything to me he's always been around there's no reason I should have issues with him I just do...I heard my parents talking about therapists again so I guess I'm really going to have to go this time I don't want to go to family counseling I hate talking out my problems with my parents. I have no desire to work shit out with them all I want is to straighten myself out...something needs to happen to get me interested again I don't even have the desire to get out there and find a new guy it's just...pointless too much work it's not worth it I dont want to call my friends I don't want to get out of the house or out of bed...fuckin school starts next week why did I promise my parents I'd go.....

ok I'll stop whining now


like nobody's

:: 2004 18 June :: 12.16 am
:: Mood: sad...

ok so today...woke up early went to conditioning...managed to stay compleately concious this time thank you very much. lol I'm still sore as fuck but it's a good hurt I suppose. Yeah so then lauren talked me into going to a yoga class with her at 7....so I went home ate took a bath got some sleep then she picked me up. lol of course she read the sheet wrong and the class started a 1/2 hour earlier then she thought so instead of being late we decided to impose on michelle who mind you had JUST walked in the door after a 5 hour car ride from college orientation.

Yeah so we showed up with ice cream and cookie dough and...red bull? no don't ask and had an all out festivus. Yeah so still duno when I am going up to UF with michelle but they're starting to get concerned about me being drunk jailbait when I'm there...I'll have to stay away from the boys (to some extent) so we don't get them in trouble....bleh 16 should so be legal. Yeahh....so we stayed in michelles room until Sex and the City was over and our sugar highs were starting to wear off before we were kicked out. Then I came home and did probably THE hardest thing I have ever had to do...

Evan is gone....compleately he is no longer a part of my life. We are never going to speak again. I know I have tried this before and always went back but it's just...done it didn't end on a good note or anything don't get me wrong he didnt agree that it was necessary to not speak anymore but it can't work any other way. I couldn't be friends with him while I still had these feelings as much as he hurts me and pisses me off you can't just make feelings like that go away. So basically his last words were that he vowed to stop caring about me and speaking to me and to continue to until he died....oh yeah that and fuck off. There was a lot of talking before that though I got out most of the stuff I had been carrying around. He just couldnt get it...it's part of the reason it would have never worked...we just see things differently. I tired the best I could to make him understand.

I haven't felt it yet I won't for a while...right now it just feels like another fight with more of my drama craving satisfied but in a few days I will feel his absense. As rare as it was that we actually saw each other I have talked to him every single day for over a year and a half he's the one I tell EVERYTHING to...or he was it always mattered to me what he thought of me or what I was doing. He'll never get how much I cared about him either he's determined to believe that he didn't matter to me at all...but there is no setting him right now. It's over and it's time to move on. I'm going to have to be strong and get through this and learn to trust somebody new. Learn to trust anybody at all for that matter. Thank you so much to the people who listened to all of my melodrama and were there for me when I needed to vent. You all know who you are and I love you for it it really takes a true friend to listen to all of that shit. Like I said I lost a lot this year...my best friend...the only guy I have ever really cared about...some things I had worked really hard for (not elaborating on that)....my ambition my intelligence.....and quite possible...my sanity.

the consolation is that I have my life I suppose...may I should start appreciating the things I have because losing comes so eaisly to people like me....he always said I was impossible.

but I can't call you up no more
and no we can't just be friends
I know I had to let you go
but I will not be broken...


2 watching | like nobody's

:: 2004 16 June :: 9.42 pm

BAH sold out to LJ woohu will always be my first love I will stay loyal. lol I feel like such a sheep. NEway so today I woke up soooo sore from conditioning you have no idea I havn't done that much physical activity in weeks. So I decided to sit my ass on the couch and watch pride and predjudice for the millionth time not only because I am a big loser but because it makes me happy and it's a nice sweet love story...*sigh* yeah that and it's 5 and 1/2 hours so I didn't have to move around a lot. Back to conditioning tomorrow...kill me now


haha I didn't think it was all that bad but here it is....

My life is rated NC-17.
What is your life rated?

like nobody's

:: 2004 15 June :: 12.45 pm

god I forgot how much work it was to not be lazy and fat...first day of conditioning went alright except for the fact that I almost blacked out...again! This heat exhuastion thing is so fuckin annoying I try to just stick it out and work but then everything goes fuzzy and the world starts spinning and I feel like i'm slipping in and out of conciousness. It makes me feel so weak I can't stand it. Ms. Dicillo got really freaked out because all of the color like drained from my face except for around my eyes I looked like I was dead or something. Yeah so that was the fun adventure on the track afterwards we went inside and did crunches and worked in the weight room and I was fine. Thank god I'm going to start dancing again soon I hate losing everything over the summer.

It was good though because it gave me something to channel my rage and get my mind off of...things. And human interaction was actualy kind of nice maybe I will start calling my friends again...stop being all antisocial. We'll see.

I just realized how much money I'm really going to need for gainsville I better stop spending what I have. I gotta chip in for gas and tolls I need to pay for a weeks worth of food then there's alcohol which is probably the biggest expense lol. bah idc I'd sell my kidney to get away from here if it was necessary.

yup so...grrrrr that's all I have to say. I'm so happy for Jenn finally letting go of Austin I know how hard that is believe me. It takes more will power than I've ever had. I wanna do something but I don't wanna plan it so somebody call me with a proposal...lol either that or I'll just sit at home some more...either way

Regrettably Yours,

1 watching | like nobody's

Woohu.com | Random Journal