:: 2004 1 June :: 12.35 pm

summer...kind of sucks so far

sunday was great spent the day at brittney's with kate jeremy and thomas I feel like I havn't seen them in forever. lol ok well I see jeremy in school all the time but still...we don't get a chance to hang out very often but when we do I can always forget everything and just be happy

spent the day catching up on each other's lives told britt and kate all of my latest crazy stories...the world has become increasingly fucked up since we used to play together as little kids. Our lives have changed so much it's kind of scary when you put it into perspective.

Went to the pool...the clubhouse at olympia is ridiculously huge lol just like something out of the OC we shut our eyes and pretended there was a beach on the other side of the fence. Then we went back to the house ordered pizza went to blockbuster. Our idea of babysitting her sister and her friend was sending them upstairs with uptown girls while we stayed downstairs and watched thirteen. lol we really must finish that one day.

all was good until I got home and my mom started with me again...I don't take any shit from her anymore and I pay for it I scream and curse and tell her exactly whats on my mind and I get to her she was up until 6 in the morning because she let me get to her so bad. But I'm supposedly grounded for the week and I can't go to Jason Mraz with danielle on wednesday. idk I have bigger problems to work through at the moment.

All of the depression and the schitzophrenia is flooding back the eating disorders suicidal poetry the morbid thoughts and logic. It's like falling into a trance where everything seems so clear and death makes perfect sense then I snap out of it and realize I could never do it. I can only hope that next time I won't do something stupid before I have a chance to wake up...

That aside I hope everyone's summer is going well...

~Jess~

like nobody's

:: 2004 29 May :: 1.47 pm
:: Mood: bitter

*sigh* I give up on them...
I think what I love most about you is the way you make me want to rip my hair out...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
bleh...nvm that

It's the 1st day of summer, not very eventful I did laundry, cleaned, sat around staring at the ceiling, waited...talked to jimmy and danielle. Just got back from a nice long walk with lucky (my dog for all the slow people out there) it's hot outside its hot inside its just hot...welcome to florida.

Last night was...odd theres no other way to say it. After I got home from the movies I sat around online until all hours of the morning. then evan called wanting me to come over he was real drunk but i was bored so i talked to him for a while...hopefully the rest of my 2 weeks b4 summer school wont suck so bad...going to see some of my bestest and oldest friends 2morrow it been forever since we were together so thats cool

heh my keyboard locked up so ive been typing this whole thing w/my mouse on this onscreen keyboard thingy i found...how resourseful am i?

~much love~
Jess

1 watching | like nobody's

:: 2004 28 May :: 11.36 pm

Quiz: Tell me about your first...

day at school:	my pre-school crush was in my class and asked me to sit next to him *sigh*
kiss:	real kiss?...dominic...nuff said
girlfriend/boyfriend:	Brian Hogan 6th grade...
time getting high:	I was too drunk to figure out how to use the pipe...me too dumb to be a stoner whoda thunk it
time drinking:	awesome...until I puked all over my friends bathroom...lightweights learn not to mix their liquor early on
date:	I screwed up the movie times and we ended up having to see some odd random movie full of old people..eventually snuck into an R movie worthy of us making out in
time having sex:	drunken whorish mistake...but all turned out well...no regrets
time you asked someone out:	HA! I don't do that...not my job
time you ate sea food:	I was afraid of shrimp...I thought they would come alive in my mouth : \
time getting in trouble for something really big:	SHort Version:handcuffs alcohol drug paraphanalia staying up until 4am ripping up my diary & every shred of incriminating evidence in my room...the destruction of my happiness
detention:	lol I was talking in band class in 7th grade...What a funny little bald man Mr. Patsis was
time getting a filling:	mmm I love that gas stuff...it's like nyquil only betterl
fist fight:	wanna start something?
time you cut yourself:	I couldn't do it...
questioned existance:	fourth grade...I thought I had the wisdom of the ages, I'm pretty sure I did and I just grew out of it *sigh*

Tell me about your first.. brought to you by BZOINK!

I swear I wasn't this pathetic all night...saw Shrek 2 with michelle that movie is fuckin awesome I <3 puss in boots. It's all over I think I said goodbye to 3 people...I just don't care.

~Jess~

1 watching | like nobody's

:: 2004 26 May :: 6.07 pm

It's been a while...I havn't been updating anywhere though there has been much to say. The petty details of my days are pointless and my depression is repetitive. There is just not much more to life right now.

I have this sick and twisted project that I have yet to fully commit myself to. If I do manage to become as wrapped up in it as its success will soon require It will abolosh all doubt in the suspicions that I am nothong more than evil hellspawn sent to hurt everyone and everything I touch just for the sake of furthering my own happiness. What an inane goal it is, for happiness to me is like a high that wears off all too quickly. And life is certainly not my drug of choice.

I don't care what the slogans and ad campaigns say, life has all the potency of virgin pina coladas and second hand smoke. It'll make you fat, it will kill the innocent but there is no such thing as being high on life. As odd as it sounds I believe the only people stong (or perhaps weak) enough to derive pleasure from life are the twisted souls. Those people who can corrupt the everyday to their will, who can manipulate reality and it's drones to their own benefit without remorse and force a smile on their face. If such things are beyond your effort and ability...there are other unnatural highs to be found, other ways to simulate happiness. Is it pathetic? I still don't know...maybe its life thats pathetic... But my point still remains, there is no happiness to be found in simply living...those days are long dead.

Don't even bother disagreeing, this may only be true for people like me I'm not naive...maybe there are no people like me...odds are there are millions. Everyone gets depressed everyone has a darkness though some of us wear it like armor. I don't possess the ability to supress it as some do, and I'm not quite sure that I envy them for it.

no matter what I write there is no point, it's like I have said all of the words in the world and all other speech is superfluous. It seems like all i'm facing in life is endings it's all I'm looking forward to. Waiting...for the end of the day, the week, the year, the end of friendships, the end of an era, the end of my sanity. Like I'm patiently sitting here waiting for death, and I havnt the strength to take matters into my own hands...

~Jess~

like nobody's

:: 2004 23 May :: 9.23 pm
:: Mood: cold

Bad Night...
I feel like pushing extremes...like giving up

I wanna drink myself unconcious
scream myself hoarse
bleed myself dead
I wanna let myself go
run away from life
and responsibility
and all of my prospects
because in reality they are bleak
my efforts are all doomed to be fruitless
and once I have lost it all in the end
there will be no one by my side
no one who cares enough to make the pain go away
I'm tired
tired of waiting for that one guy
to get his shit together
for any guy to get his shit together
to get my own shit together
I want to lose myself in this escapists reality
hold the first person I see
just for blind comfort
I left my standards behind long ago
I want to saturate my system
in all means of synthetic euphoria
nothing is real anyway
so fuck reality
I'll just drift until I hit the sun...

like nobody's

:: 2004 22 May :: 4.27 pm

feels like sunday...
new layout...it's a tad emo please don't hurt me danielle. lol I still might change it but this works for now.

congrats to all my seniors for making it through 4 years of this crap...I envy you so much

must study must study do not let me procrastinate....

I dont think anyone really pays much attention to woohu anymore so I'm comfortable posting more of my writing and shit...here goes

*Call Me Dementia*

call me dementia
wings of maddness tightly furled
soaring towards the white hot angels in the depths of other worlds

see me dementia
eyes unblinking in the light
harness the holy sacreligious in the irises of night

feel me dementia
it's emitting from my skin
when your hands do cease their burning will you bear my touch again

forever Demented
irreversibly insane
I'll burn myself to ashes as I relish in my pain

love me Dementia
and you'll see these wings unfurl
wrap you deep within my maddness and I'll drag you from this world

fear my Dementia...

~much love~
Jess

1 watching | like nobody's

:: 2004 22 May :: 12.39 am
:: Mood: *sigh*

wow...just got home from seeing Troy...and can I just say if you havn't seen it yet please do so....the plot is great the love stories were sad and romantic the men were HOT!!! And I have to be a big loser and say it made me appreciate Homer and the Illiad a lot more. Mr. McManus' voice was comming back to me (which is never a good thing im pretty sure) the whole time and I remembered all of our class discussions, I feel like I should be writing an essay right now on how Achilles is a tragic character. Ok and I don't even need to say it but....Brad Pitt NAKED always naked (when he wasnt in a skirt or a sarong that is but we will overlook that) jesus christ him and Jennifer Aniston must just walk around naked all day because...really why bother....he's just beyond sexy along with most other men in the movie. sheesh...I felt so sad and alone NOT a good movie to see if you are single and depressed...I would kill for someone to hold me like that or be willing to die for me.

ok so yeah enough of that, had a fun night we had an officer meeting afterschool then lauren came over for a few hrs then we went to meet Michelle and Richelle at the movies (hillary was being a big loser and went home to sleep). I missed them even as they were sitting right next to me...we have Michelle for most of the summer but Richelle is leaving for UF way too soon. some highlights...

*Shrek hates Lauren
*Richelle:"Why does everyone refer to me as amusement instead of a person?"
*Richelle:"oh my god look at that girls profile she looks like the female jimmy neutron."
Michelle: "oh my god I know her...hey that's my friend!"
*creepy old man
*I love Helen!
*maybe if the walls are so damn special they should stand inside of them...
*But I wanna fight the troojanssss
*It is too early in the day for killing princes...
*how long until lauren crys...any takers?
*obnoxious kid: "finally it's over my fricken ass hurts"
Lauren: "then maybe you shoulda taken ur fricken ass out of the goddamn movie!"
*Richelle spending about 4 years buying tickets...promise we'll take you to see shrek eventually

lol I needed a night of stupid normalcy with the lauren and the -ichelles ...good luck graduating tomorrow you guys....don't trip now.

~have a nice weekend~
Jess

ps. 5 fuckin days!!!

like nobody's

:: 2004 17 May :: 12.40 pm

this is very long I would suggest not reading
ok...yesterday I don't even know where to begin. I was looking so forward to banquet but fucking mrs. dicillo had to spoil it....o well I'll start at teh beginning.

I had an awesome morning. All of the people that did a captain audition got taken on a scavenger hunt and at the end we findout what position we got. The people doing mine were Hillary, Richelle, Michelle and Fran all of my favorite seniors so it was fun. lol They decided to do teh kidnapping approach so my parents were all in on it and they showed up in my room @ 8:00am with a scary mask and a video camera in my face. They dresseds me up in sum freaky clothes and blindfolded me and dragged me in2 the car. Fran does the most awesome steve erwin voice ever so we she did this whole intro with the video camera about how the rare "jessica brandies" was looking for her mate. My whole scavenger hunt was based on the dane cook commedy CD which we all have a copy of and quote constantly.

Somet ings I had to do were...go to walmart (my LEAST favorite place in the world) dressed in my outfit and no...nobody looked twice at me because that is just the kinda people that shop at walmart. And I found ym task and it said:

"Grab a bunch of banannas and a camera and head over to the pharmacists desk and inquire about the largest sized male contraceptive available. Demonstrate approxamate length and girth of his "bananna"."

...yeah so after showing them my box of trojan magnum condoms as evidence we moved on...the next task was at a mobile station and it said:

"Take this 'legal' tender (legal tender meaning the pink monopoly $50 bill taped to the clue) and buy us some gum. Make sure to bring back the change."

lol yes i did this too and just as the guy looked at me horrified fran ran over and yelled "what are you doing?! thats not even real money!" then she pretended I was retarded and she had been looking for me all day and hugged me and dragged me back to the car. lol when she went back to buy something with real money the guy was all like.."your friend...shes not ok? she is a problem?"

Then I had to go to burger king and order from the drive through in this weird way that you wouldnt get if you havnt heard the dane cook cd...it was funny though

thenn I had to go to Barnes and Noble...

"ask the sales person to find you the maroon 5 cd. Sing harder to breathe to the sales person, sing it like and american idol superstar."

the guy was definately cute on top of it...he was in on the joke though so he ended up making me sing it like 5 times before he gave me my clue. lol a good conversation starter if I ever get the nerve to go back and hit on him.

Then I had to jump in a pool to get my last clue which just said that I would find out at banquet and to go home. Well i wasnt stupid cuz I had seen michelle leave somethign behind in my house when we left. SO we pull up to my house and there is a big banner hangint from teh garage that said 1st lieutenent. I didn't know how to react to this. they stopped the car and said ok now for the explanation. There is NO co-captain this year. They fought ms dicillo on the decision for a long time but in the end she got what she wanted. Me brittney and allison are all 1st lieutenants and lauren is captain. I was pretty upset because I know the real reason she did this isnt that we are all juniors and its only fair...she just has a personal problem with me and she always has.

Laurens scavenger hunt was so much worse than mine she had to wear HORRIBLE costume with boots and a cape and climb the rockwall at the mall in the middle of the day in front of hot guys and scream hi im captain planet. then she had to play guitar outside of walgreens singing the "lauren millcarek" song until someone gave her money. Then she had to go into a crowded dennys asking every1 if they had seen the one horned flying purple people eater until someone gave her a clue. lol funny stuff.

Banquet I had to put on my cheesy smile and pretend to be happy. Jeanna was there I miss her so much. We all ate and listened to speeches which didnt make me cry because I'm heartless. I don't think ive accepted yet that my friends are all going away to college. It will probably hit me at practice on wednesday with the new squad. Then the officer announcements came up and I couldnt control it. Dicillo announced the weird lineup of officers and went on and on and on about how equal me britt adn allison were that there was no deciding. Bull fucking shit. Yes we are the fucking delta of equality over there even though I not only outranked both of them, scored higer on my audition than EVERYONE, got number one dancer on the whole fucking squad, and was nominated either captain or co-captain by every goddamn person including brittney and allison. So yeah yay for equality. I'm going to kill her.

Whatever I'm goign to have to talk to her now because my mom definately bitched at her which I appreciate but I think she just made things harder for me. I cried so much last nite I havnt cried in front of people since I was about 5. And over something as retarded as this just blows my mind. Everyone was crying though so I blended in with all of the happy people and the peopel crying over the seniors. I was cryign in anger and frustration.

I am happy fro Jenn and Liz though Jenn got sergent and Liz got 2nd lieutenent. Jenn is the new lauren...new girl promoted to sergent and Liz is the new me...New girl promoted to 2nd lieutenent. lol good luck you guys we're gunna do great next year.

I was on the phne for hours with lauren last night trying to figure out what all of this new responsibility meant because regardless of my title me her allisona dn britt are still top 4 we are in charge of everything. so we decided on how to divide up some jobs and when to have a meeting with dicillo and everyone else. She is already freaking out from teh pressure of not having a co captain shes going to talk to dicilo about it. so whatever I'm going to have to accept that life isnt fair in this scenario and be gracious about it. I will see what happens next year after lauren leaves. If I don't EARN captain then I wont expect to get it. But if I do and she fucks me over again then I'm just leaving I don't need to devote my life and energy to something that wont even pay off in the end...why can't it just be about the dancing.

Fuck Politics

ps. this is y I stayed home today too if youre wondering

like nobody's

:: 2004 13 May :: 11.14 pm

Seniors last show tonight....so sad I can't imagine life without them. A bunch of alumni came got to see Ashley and Jenna again that was nice.

Michelle picked me and lauren up from school we went to my house to get ready lmao I love listening to them fight...

michelle: " I TOLD you 4:00 we HAVE to leave now!"

lauren: "buddy why the hell are we leaving a half hour early u can speed and get us there in 15 minutes?!"

michelle: "If your not a half hour early youre a half hour late!"

lol she was busting out with the soccer mom quotes all nite...."shut the door hillary what were u raised in a barn?!"

got to the show 35 fricken minutes early went to starbucks....frappacino was a bad idea before dancing.

Danielle and Heather showed up which was nice. Dances...looked like shit o well me....sick and naseous and dizzy uggghhh lol thought I was gunna puke on the audience.

Mad weirdness everywhere....alberto and alejandro came alejandro was with sum other girl....francisco was there I havnt seen him since our drunken makeout session on danielles couch almost a year ago....lol he didnt come over when the twins did....there was other weirdness too crazy nite.

Didn't go out to dinner cuz it was just the SENIORS lol I see how it is. They had to discuss banquet and who is getting what position and whatever other suprises they have planned...secret stuff psh.

Some weirdass spanish guy called a couple times...claims I met him and gave him my # a few weeks ago I don't remember...his voice sounded like I had heard it b4 tho....idk he freaked me out a bit.

Cleaned out my locker today had to carry so many books like a true IB nerd lol thank god german was by me in the hallway when I was tryin to make it to north lot after chem.
Chem was actually pretty fun we had a sub...ignored the work played cards bonded as a class lol exciting shit.

TWO MORE WEEKS!!!!! TWO MORE WEEKS!!!!!

~fuck yeah~

1 watching | like nobody's

:: 2004 10 May :: 11.43 pm
:: Mood: BAH

i should be in bed or doing my daybook or studying...bah

I have summeritis I'm just stright up choosing not to do assignments anymore. Its not like I'm evern forgetting about them I just remember and say...fuck it I'll turn it in late. BAH

today me n danielle colored in stats I was the coloring book Nazi and didn't let her give up. It was mad retro cool (lol made up that new phrase for manda) lyk kindergarten all over again...JB knew his disney fairytales a tad too well for my liking....Dr. Baum made fun of us : P

Today was my captain audition and laurens...I'm so glad it's over with. Basically I had to choreograph a minute long dance make up formations and then teach it to the whole squad in only 45 minutes with no help and all of the seniors being obnoxios. They were really ridiculous thank god lauren went first. I wanted to cry they were so mean to her. Danielle actually brought her pet ferret and had the coaches EXTREAMLY annoying 8 yr old son logan release it in the middle of the dance room so every1 freaked out and nobody would listen to her. lol Dicillo eventually calmed everyone down and made the seniors stop so Lauren could finish.

I think mine went a bit better which suprised me. I knew what to expect from the seniors so it wasn't as big a deal. And I didn't run out of time or anything and everyone said they really liked my dance. Nicky said her and a lot of ppl she talked to gave me perfect scores on my evaluation sheet...idk Allison Britt and Charde still have to go on wednesday. We all know we are getting the top five positions we just don'n know in what order. It would be ridiculous for anyone but lauren to get captain since she is the only senior so I'm basically just shooting for co-captain. whatever I'm glad its over now I just have to wait until sunday @ the banquet to find out.

I called michelle when I got home and we talked for a long time...lol she wouldnt tell me what my score was tho which pissed me off....shes supposed to be my informant!! we took some online tests and found out that we are very much certifiable alcoholics and if they are at all acurate....we might need some help lol. fuck it I love life, and if that's living...so be it.

BAH more homework to do...jus checking in

~much love~
Jess

1 watching | like nobody's

:: 2004 8 May :: 10.19 pm
:: Mood: fat

I'm fat
ugh just got back from carrabbas, good food, too much....ughhhh. Oh well I've decided to eat up until summer (A) because I have no one to impress and (B) my mom flat out told me I was going on a diet this summer.

Today was tiring. I had to be at tryouts at this morning all the seniors set up and lauren and I led warmup. Me and Jenn were in the 2nd group so we got it over with right away, my audition went really good I nailed both of my switch leaps and the guy judging from southern just kinda stared in suprise for a sec. Afterwards Shersty drove me Jenn Brittney Rolle and Rashunda to dunkin doughnuts to get some FOOD. yay for food!

Then we came back and Michelle was the senior in charge of watching the ppl outside so I had her fill me in on everything I'd missed from the night before. I was kinda glad I didn't go because it gave michelle a chance to have more fun. When I'm there no matter how drunk she is she is so paranoid about me and who is keeping an eye on me and all the boys (lol) that she doesn't enjoy herself. Whatever will I do without my legal guardian.

Then FINALLY they were done tallying up the scores and announced who made it. Then they announced the top 5 dancers. Guess who got number 1??? thas right yours truly I got the highest score outta like all 50 people trying out. w00t!!!

Thennnnn michelle and I headed to the mall in search of last minute mother's day presents. I came home took a shower talked to heather and danielle and then we went to target for sum shit...saw my half cuban bro there (armando for those who don't know)...then we went out to eat.

Heather and Amy are fighting, it saddens me. lol I know I always preach to heather but hopefully some of my advice is somewhat helpful. I don't like seeing her go through the things I have gone through but it is an inevitability. Close friendships are like relationships they take a lot of work, unfortunately sometimes they are just not worth the effort they require and it's nothing that can be helped. I hope that is not the case with amy and heather.

I want this week to be over...banquet is next sunday I cant wait. I get to find out what position I got next year but I will surely cry during senior speeches.

Once the AP government exam is over I can relax a bit until finals....not that I have started studying or NEthing : \

~I love~

2 watching | like nobody's

:: 2004 7 May :: 11.24 pm

I couldn't tell you how today was, I'm so tired I guess it is for the best that I couldnt go to that beach thing with Michelle and Danielle and the applebees crew. Yeah they were having a party at the beach all night along with Gary's guitar and all the leftover alcohol and such...would have been nice I do love the beach at night. Oh well I hope they all have fun without me....my parents continue to suck.

Tryouts in the morning I'm so nervous....not.
I am nervous for my captain audition which is on monday. And the Government exam on wednesday.

I'm sorry everyone I have things to say but nothing seems important right now, I can't stop staring at the wall.

...you wish you knew what CHUB was

~Jessica~

2 watching | like nobody's

:: 2004 5 May :: 8.11 pm

just a little unhappy...a little unwanted

just a little it's no big deal

It just makes me think...why is it so easy for some people to make relationships work and after all the shit I go through with guys...it never works out for me. I go through more relationship crap every year than probably all of the couples in our grade combined...(ok well the IB ones) and I have nothing to show for it...it always gets fucked up.

I'm just not good enough I'll learn to live with it. Until something changes I'll continue my pattern of being used and pretending not to care...I need to feel love be it superficial or not.

On happier notes today was a good day just like Ashley predicted. I love yearbooks I love sentiment I can't wait till every1 is done signing mine lol they all keep taking it home and holding it hostage. I love my friends I never realized how many people I truely care about the number always seemed so small but in reality I'm surrounded by love, I have just enough important people in my life who needs massive quantities of untrue friends...I have quality here lol.

just some thoughts I'll have more I'm sure

~Jess~

4 watching | like nobody's

:: 2004 4 May :: 10.54 pm

stats test=ugh

fuck it

NO MORE STATS!!!

I took the night off...pimp gave me a personal day....

just kidding


no studying

no cleaning...

no thinking...

just good times...

good conversation...

with sum good friends I love you guys!


Ashley P says tomorrow might be a good day...she's never wrong enjoy it everyone!

~much luv~
Jess

3 watching | like nobody's

:: 2004 2 May :: 8.08 pm
:: Mood: odd...
:: Music: Maroon 5

2 watching | like nobody's