a memorial
RIP Tony Ray Shearin.

One day i'll go fishing with you and your great paw paw like you talked about....and watch you shoot hoops with the guys. Thanks for everything...one day we can be best buds again. Take care of us down here.

just chillin at school...
well, i am exempt from my spanish test, so here i am just killing time in he library. tonight i hope to go christmas shopping and finish by picking up justin's present. (i'd tell you what it is, but he reads this sumtimes.) anyways...it is pretty cold outside and overall i am in a pretty good mood...except my grades aren't what i like them to be. mean, they are still a and b grades but they are lower and i have that c problem too. it is hard to explain and most dont really understand me, but sumtimes i just can't make myself try. I can guarantee its not that i choose not t b/c the worst part is that i get frustated since i WANT to try but i just really cant. it is hard to explain to where anybody will understand me -- not to mention believe i am not just being lazy. some days i wake up and i am so happy and i care about everything. then other days i wake up and everything seems to be wrong and i cant seem to focus since i cant seem to care. people say i am just looking for an excuse, or i am not trying or being lazy or whatever...but really, i think i nees help, i just dont know from where or what kind of help, but i know this is not normal. i just dont know what to do. anyways..everybody have a merry christmas and i love ya all who take time to read this friggin' thingy.

-jenni-

dammit.
Why can't I forgive him?
Why can't i hate him?
Why can't we smile?
just....WHY?

its colder than a witches u know what ...
some people are neve what they seem. too bad i trusted you to be the one i remembered, but who can i blame? i let you hurt my feelings, i just sit here and let the tears pour inside, but for you i keep my face dry. i dont know if it is pride or shame.

heres the latest...
alright, well, heres the latest info on the soap opera i call my life. heh. Okay, i was actually thinking everything was good for once. like getting beter, ya kno? well, the reason was that i was a cheerleader...like the coolest thing to look back on in high school memories and to tell your kids, "yes, believe it or not, your mom used to be a cheerleader" (lmao) but anyways...also i had a job as a DJ....a DJ!!! well, considering music is my LIFE -- that was THE COOLEST thing ever! its pretty rare to get a job you actually enjoy, especially at 16. so that was THA BOMB.....and i had a SWEET car!! i was putting a system in it and decor on the outside and it was like my baby. every morning i looked forward to getting up for school just beacuse i could drive. also, my little brother was actually starting to kind of "forgive" me i think and accepting me as his sister again, like without the hostility...and then last tuesday on the way home from school me and my brother came to the 2 way intersection that i have driven by SO many times....and i looked left, i looked right, and i looked at the silver pickup truck across the road at the other stop sign to make sure he wasnt going to turn first...and i just took too long and once i started to pull out, over the hill to my left was an 18wheeler log truck with a full load of logs. i didnt have time to do anything, all i remember was looking out my window and seeing it coming straight towards my door and then i woke up spinning. it hit my side of the car, spun and hit the back and i think my little brother's side, too. It was the scariest thing ever. At the site, my grandpa was there and he stayed with my brother (they had to use the jaws of life to get him out) and justin happened to drive up right afterwards and since my family was with my brother (he got airlifted) then justin stayd with me the whole time from the ambulance ride and hospital to going home. they thought i broke my neck so i was strapped to a backboard with a neck brace and my head taped down from like 320pm to like 745pm. it sucked...and i had to pee SO bad, but i didnt wanna be catheterized(YUK! and OUCH!)so i just held it. lol. but it sucked and i feel awful about my brother because he ended up breaking his whole left leg..even his femur...and they had to do surgery adn put pins in and hes in a wheelchair for 6 weeks. so i feel like crap and i am in pain. my spine like curves now and some vertebrae are like "dislodged" is what i call it, but i am going to the doctor today at 3pm so i'll know...and my knee is screwed up. But anyways, this all goes back to my theory that everything i have that goes good will be screwed over. it just my destiny i guess. see, now my brother is hurt b/c of me, i cant cheer for homecoming(one of the FUNNEST things!) and i cant cheer during season now b/c i dont have a ride. so there...now i am not a cheerleader. one thing down the drain. also, i dont have a ride to and from work, so i am not a DJ anymore. that REALLY sucks, too. and of course, i have no car. so no way to get to and from places. and i always get to see justin on the weekends b/c i can drive and now i cant and weve been out of school all week and i havent got to see him. =0(
yeah he can drive, but they only have one vehicle now b/c their other truck broke down, so he doesnt really ever have a ride b/c his dad and ms cindy are always working and have to share the truck they have. so now i am kinda worried about the only thing left that hasnt got screwed over...me and justin, but now we cant really hang out anymore. i dunno what to do i think i'd cry, but i dont have the energy so fuck it. i'm gonna go chill out. later. -who else but..me

fuct up...juss fuct up
people can be so fucking stupid ya kno that? i have never met so many irrational thinking fucks in my whole life. i hope i am not an irrational thinking fuck too b/c..well...just... DAMN.
here's some poetry i guess......well later.

When you exhale that first time and let the tears pour, maybe then you will understand what it’s like.
Once you have had to beg someone for your life, maybe then you will truly understand the value of it.
The night you lose sleep because of fear, maybe then you will realize what true bravery is.
When everyone around you gives up on you, maybe then you will learn to pray.
Once the tides turn against you so many times, maybe then you will find the strength to wade them out until they turn in your favor.
The day you give up on yourself, maybe then you will discover those who will always be there for you.
When nothing seems to make sense and you don’t know what to do, maybe then you will learn to grow up instead of give up.
Once everything is over and you can see the light, maybe then you will realize it will all be okay, and
The day you succeed and fight it out, maybe then will it be the day you’ll have life figured out.
If none of the makes sense, then I guess you just don’t yet understand, but
When you figure out life and time, maybe then you will let me know, since I still need help with mine.

nite to all the people out there, and the irrational fucks..... =0)

"if you love somebody, put they're name in a circle, not a heart.....a heart can be broken, ut a circle goes on forever."
ooookay, well here is all the new stuff going on with me.....first of all i got another p/t job...i am gonna be a DJ !!!!! ooh yeah. also, school is starting next wednesday. AHH! actually i sadly admit i am looking forward to the first week of school, but after that it'll almost surely suck again. Oh and i am going to sing at my cousin's wedding!!! yes he is getting married! i am soooo happy! CONGRATS CONGRATS chris and alayna! i can't wait for basketball season to start so i can cheer at the games and watch justin play. that'll be the best part, i get to see all of his games. =0) We have a pep rally i am gonna be cheering/dancing at the FIRST FRIDAY of school! like as in the 3rd day of freakin school. EEK! but it should be fun if we make sure we look perfect...which we will at practice every day next week. (grrr lol)
and that is about it, oh except i got my car back so YAY! actually DOUBLE YAY! well i am gonna go now b/c i am tired and all...and i gotta work on signs to decorate the halls for the first 'spirit' week of school! we get to go in and decorate the lockers and walls before school starts next week so it'll be cool. our theme is "candy land" and the class themes are as follows : freshman - sugarbabies
sophmore - skittles
JUNIORS - JUNIOR MINTS =0)
seniors - sugardaddys
well, i'm out fer now.....Later!

life is fuct up....will it always be?
well, as you saw in my last journal entry..I got a new car! yippee friggin yea..... but now i will give you living proof that nothing in my life goes right. ah hah...so all of you didnt believe me, wll now maybe you will begin to. I got my new car taken AWAY. oh and here's the best part...i honestly didnt do anything wrong. See, i thought we were going to have cheer practice the week after we had cheer camp, b/c we had kinda discussed it as we were leaving the last day of camp. Well it was never finalized i guess, but i couldn't get a hold of my cheer coach to ask for sure, so i figured we had practice the days we had discussed. Well, the night before i called one of my friends on the squad and asked her if we had practice the next afternoon (monday) and she sayd she wasnt really sure but she'd try to ask our coach. Well, i was pretty sure nothing had changed since the last day of camp, so i was planning to drive to practice at 4pm monday. Well, my g-pa ends up running into my cheer coach earlier on that day and mentions practice and she explains we aren't having practice. So he comes back and asks me "so what time is practice to day" and i tell him "4 o clock" and he took my keys and called me many bad names. But i didnt cry. (well not in front of him, he didnt deserve to get to see it) And he accused me of being a druggie again (when btw I have been TOTALLY clean for over 6 months) and a b*tch and a f-ing liar and everything else under the sun that makes you get that warm fucking feeling inside, ya know? and he took my car away. Well, pretty much, i now realized he wasn't giving me that "be-very-grateful-for-brand-new-second-chance-to-start-over-with-a-clean-slate" he mentioned, it was actually just a time period spent with him waiting for an excuse for me to be "bad" again. You know, it just suxx when you bust your ass to improve and fic your life, and trust me, it was hard for me, and then all other people do is wait to judge you as what you were with no benefit of the doubt and no "second chance". All i am is bullshit and ya kno, that suxx b/c the effort i made to change wasnt bullshit. it was real and it was hard. so now maybe all you dick heads out there trying to convince me life doesnt always get fuct up.....zip it till you live in mine. at least i am doing good not just for others, but mostly for myself, so i am gonna be iite. Its still fuct up tho and it hurts, but hey whats a brand new fuckin car gone when you didnt even do anything....i mean, i got my shit taken away, got in trouble, and didnt even get any fun outta it. hah. oh well. shit happens rite? at least me and justin are stilll doin good. that's one thing that has yet to go wrong, so i wont take it for granted. well i'm done being a bitch so lata ppz! lots of love...jenn

HEY ANDY!!!!!!!
hey hey! yes i do need to update and i didnt know you read my journal! I came in the room the other day and talked to you but no answer and then i figured i'd wait a while but nobody was answering, so i juss left. Basically my computer is acting up really bad lately and i am not a comp whiz (as u already know) and when i do actually have time to get on, i have so much to do i just get on and off and go...but i wanna keep my journal up to date again, so i am kinda glad u left me a comment b/c it reminded me to keep it going...so here i am, keepin it goin. heh. =0) ne ways.....i'll go onto new stuff from here..... Well my summer officially started june 1st. The last day of school for me was may 30th. Also, i can drive now and i got a truck, so i can get around a little better this summer..Yeah! and i bought me a system to put in it....so far i have two 12's and a 1000watt amp, a new cd player w/mini amp and new mids and highs in my doors and dash. But this summer i am just gonna keep building on it. My couin chris is going to come down from college next week and help me install everything. Anyways, I also sang at this festival in a town bout 45 miles from here called "poke salad festival" and i sang the national anthem to open the parade and then from 3 30 to 4 00 i had the stage to myself and i sang a few songs. it was fun and i even got a job offer! this guy told me they would pay me $150-$200 to sing the national anthem to open games in the new baseball park in shreveport, louisiana(about and hour from here)!! LSU is even supposed to play there i think! i was like hell yeah! hah. so now i just have to call public relations and get the info and everything. Hmmmm, wat else has been goning on? its been a long time since i wrote.(eek.) uhmmmm, ooh yeah, i spent the weekend in ruston, LA ith my cousin and his girlfriend (they go to LA Tech) It was fun. w just got t hang out and do a few things but i had a great time...and forgot some of m clothes at her house! grrrr, i shoulda checked my suitcase, but oh well, i'll get 'em back later. Oh and i am a cheerleader for next year! i dunno if i already put that or not,but yeah now its in here for sure. I think it'll be fun if i can make myself stand some of those preppy bitches.....cuz i wanna cheer to dance and all...they wanna giggle and gosip and swing their blonde hair around..heh. i hae 'clueless' girls...really. But oh well, i am the one, the only, cynical thug cheerleader(LOL) at MHS...and you know the funniest part? They think its "cute". oh well, at least we get along. >:0) Well anyways, i think that is about all that is new...so i am gonna go...but i will prolly keep up a little more now...and bye ANDY!!! (i'll have to come talk to you later and see what all is new with everything..yah kno.......i'm out! -ICE-

I got a new nick name--lol
Hey, i got a name now "ICE". heh, it rawks. n e ways...i have not been doing a very good job lately at keeping up my journal, but things have been really hectic lately, so when they slow down and give me a chanc, i will catch up..aight! Gonn Dip now! holla! ~*~ICE~*~
;0)

STUPID DIETS! lol
Yo! sup every1? I am trying to get in shape for track, and just to be in shape, ya feel? but i am also working on the eating part and not juss the exercise...and thats the hardest part...not to eat, lmao. but hey, thass me for ya. ;) juss gotta lay off tha dang honey bunz...heh. n e wayz...hmmm, dang, my mind goin blank lately when i click on my journal to write, juss like all thoughts disappear. bleh! hmm....oh yeah, i got some glucose pills today that help me when i get the \'shakes\' from low blood suger and they taste like orange....but they\'re pretty good, juss freakin huge! lol. but u can chew them, so its all good. i\'ll wtie more lata, but for now i\'ma outta this joint! ;) -jenn

I'll write more later! lol
hey, i took a quiz and thought i would put it in here, even tho i think it is more than 50%...lol juss playin! i'm not that bad..??!? oh, and thankyou for the rose patrick...and Justin thnx for all the vday stuff..i ate the chocolat(heh heh) and put the roses and teddy bear in my room...Happy V-day!! love ya'z everybody! ;0) I'm Outta hirr.....

The results are in. You are certifiably:


50% bitch!
which is higher than the worldwide average 38%
****THE PICTURE DIDN"T COPY -- WILL ADD LATER****