:: 2004 8 March :: .31 am

well....i've figured that this journal now is useless......i was using this to vent relationship issues....which, given the readership here, is a bad mistake more than anything else, and further, any relationship info is going to the other journal. so this will be the final one unless it ever has a need to be used again.

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:: 2004 27 February :: 2.17 am

i feel torn......part of me wants to let her now know some of the things that i didn't say before and kept quiet about during our relationship for her sake and our sake. nothing like big hidden secrets....just, the stuff that i worried would've wierded her out, or the stuff that i hadn't mentioned yet because i wanted to tell her at the proper time and have things be surprises, or the stuff that i thought would worry her.
but then the other part of me knows that i can't just go telling her things like that for those reasons....too selfish. and i don't want to make things awkward between her and me. or at least, any more awkward than they are already. i don't get to talk to her really as is, and i don't want something to tip the scales. its just frustrating having these things that i want to have known to someone other than me, but it really is too private for anyone but her, and its not the time or place to tell her. its a heck of a catch 22

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:: 2004 18 February :: 2.55 am

well.....it is official......she did leave me more or less for him.....i really wish what works as best for her and best for me had been the same

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:: 2004 17 February :: 2.16 am

sorta day 5....so dang it. i tried calling but she'd gone to pat's. she'd told me she'd email me about that, but oh well. her life, her priorities.

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:: 2004 15 February :: 7.58 pm

day 4 here.....watching chasing amy really made me feel like letting something like a distance get in the way is still wrong........just as wrong as i may have been in being jealous or worried. all still human emotions, but not the best ones to have, or the ones i'd want to be having.
i know i love her, and i'm more certain now than ever. i can only hope that she comes to similar conclusions eventually.

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:: 2004 15 February :: 1.15 am

day three is past as is valentines day. really wish i didn't go into trader joes'....all the flowers just got to me.
i really wish i knew what she was going through at this point....but, can't really be finding that out for now, now can i?
i just know what i'm going through, and thats enough to drive me insane. i love her, and because of that, i guess i do know that its all up to her, but i still wish things hadn't happened like this. oh well.
the one thing i've become certain though is that i felt my emotions for the right reasons. that i didn't just love her for the sake of loving someone, or love her just because she loved/seemed interested in me, or love her for something physical. i just found someone absolutly wonderful, and fell in love with that.

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:: 2004 14 February :: 2.26 pm

day three and counting
day three and its valentines day. i thought this would be the first valentines day that wouldn't bug me, but, well, things change.
shes not seemed to be on too much, i'll have to see what that means......shes either talking to him more, or less. i just hope that either way shes being treated properly.
at least this should be the halfway point, after today, only a day or two more like this, and i can talk to her again, see where things are, and i won't be getting all wierd about everything still.

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:: 2004 14 February :: 12.39 am

the end of day two and its getting easier.....its not that i love her less, or want her back less, but i'm accepting that i'm not what she wants now.....which is still difficult. but i still wish i had the same significance i once had.......i mean, she feels on the outside of stuff now, but she herself told me, long back, that even though we may both be on the outside of respective groups, to eachother, we'd be insiders. i want to go back to that.

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:: 2004 13 February :: 6.23 pm

day two of no word.......its so difficult seeing her screenname there but knowing that, for the better of everything, i can't talk to her for the next few days. i miss her, and i love her. but, i can't try to make her feel like she belongs in a relationship she can't feel comfortable with.
i guess its just that, to know how shes feeling, and to know that she feels like she doesn't fit in anywhere sorta hurts. she would always fit in here and always be welcomed. when she feels no one cares about her, she always forgets about me. no matter what mistakes i've made, i've never neglected her, and always at least tried to love her the best i could. well, shes making her own decisions now.

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:: 2004 13 February :: 1.01 am

sam
day one here, and its been so hard......i miss her, i want to talk to her, but i know it matters now that i don't. i want friendship to endure primarily......if somewhere later more develops again, then so be it.
i know she is entitled to her own life, but i can't help but get annoyed. shes showing interest in someone that doesn't seem to care about her nearly as much as she deserves, and she just constantly forgives him for it. though, i also only see one side of things, but it still isn't right.
i know i still love her......even if i can't have her now, she still is the one i love because she still is the wonderful person i fell in love with. right now, i'm learning to deal with those emotions and not let them be terribly visible, but i can only hide them, i can't change them. its hard to love someone so much, and also let them live their life without letting that love play into things.

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:: 2004 11 February :: 1.43 am

well, that gets it all done, i think.
everything that had been left to be said has been said. i'm down to just doing my own stuff, shes done with me for good, in love with another guy, and moving towards that.
oh well.

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:: 2004 10 February :: 8.36 pm

sam, i know you'll read this eventually, i gave you your space on this to go and say what you needed to say without it being known all the time by me, well, this here is mine. i'm going to vent here all i please, if this bothers you, then stop reading it. i mean, you're the only person that even knows of this in the first place, and i really don't feel like having to start a third.
further, if you have things you want said to me, either say them in a direct method or don't bother with them. this is my place to vent, not our place to argue or something like that. hell, even emails work
i don't even see WHY you're still reading this.....you've broken up with me

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:: 2004 10 February :: 8.21 am

i worked so hard......and yet, just as i worked so hard, i fell so far short of everything i wanted. the heck kind of message is that in life?

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:: 2004 10 February :: 8.04 am

its not worth it.......one of these days i'll just finally get around to it and kill myself off once and for all. so much thats just not worth putting up with.
school is taking too much out of me on its own, and i feel like i'm not going to be able to go anywhere with that.....then work, well, i need money, for the school stuff since the reason i started working left me, but, thats just stressful and time consuming. i can't stand my family at this point, and all the conflicts that i have with them. and my friends are all busy when i'm not and vice versa it feels like. and my health is the worst its probably ever been.
with all this, what the hell makes living worth it? i lived, i tried, now i just want to give up.

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:: 2004 10 February :: 8.25 am

hmm......i guess this is what i get trying to keep up with her, being snapped at about it.
i don't know how well i can just let her dissappear from my life like this is heading though.
love, god's punishment

i wish i could just abandon those feelings at this point......rather than being dragged behind as she goes off to live her life and i'm left like that. i know its whats important for her, i just don't want to have to feel all the pain that goes with.

for everything i've gone through, the things i've done to myself......nothing seems to have hurt more than falling in love. for 2 and a half years, it did and i tried to put it aside, because i always felt that it would be worth it in the end. fuck that. more so, it feels like i've been discarded than anything else, to reach a point where she can bitch at me, and if i say anything, it turns more to my fault.
it feels like the same things she complains of pat doing come towards me as well.

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