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:: 2011 15 December :: 6.30 pm

You remind me of my pinky toe, because I know I'm eventually gonna bang you on the table.

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:: 2011 11 December :: 11.02 am

I'm 20, what are you guys?

Pick a Number by Paul Rudnick

Alfred Kinsey believed that human sexuality could be charted on a scale of 0 to 6, with 0 being “Exclusively heterosexual” and 6 being “Exclusively homosexual.” Owing to changing cultural boundaries and advanced research, Kinsey’s scale has recently been expanded:

0. So heterosexual that you think all other heterosexuals should be shot, because they seem a little gay.

1. So heterosexual that when a tax return or a loan application asks your gender you reply, “Straight.”

2. So heterosexual that the thought of two people of the same sex having intercourse doesn’t disgust you; it confuses you—“Wait a minute, if they’re both girls, which one falls asleep immediately afterward while the other one keeps babbling about her day?”

3. So heterosexual that when you go to see “Hugh Jackman: Back on Broadway” you can’t understand why he doesn’t just use his steel Wolverine claws to kill his backup dancers.

4. Heterosexual, yet still able to read the Times’ Arts & Leisure section without asking, “Who are Patti LuPone and Mandy Patinkin? School-board members from Staten Island?”

5. Heterosexual, but still willing to understand, at least theoretically, why two women having sex aren’t just practicing until their husbands get back from their golf date.

6. Heterosexual, yet still able to wear colors other than brown, olive green, and navy blue (but never pink or yellow, because you’re not some goddam circus clown).

7. Heterosexual, but sometimes fantasizes about bathing.

8. Heterosexual, but once, at college, glimpsed a roommate naked and thought, If everyone else in the world were dead, I would have sex with that person, as long as we both kept saying, “But everyone else is still dead, right?”

9. Heterosexual, but once, while serving in the military, made love with a same-sex partner, and afterward said either “I was so drunk,” “Wait—does that count as sex?,” or “Whoa. At least now I can check that off my bucket list, along with hot-air ballooning.”

10. Heterosexual, but during sex with one’s spouse often pictures the spouse with different genitalia sprouting from his or her forehead. This is not to be confused with imagining your spouse’s forehead as a place to hold keys, or to hang up your windbreaker.

11. Heterosexual, but while on business trips will frequently have intercourse with same-sex partners, primarily because they know the best local restaurants.

12. You identify as bisexual because you think it will double your chances of getting a date for Saturday night.

13. You identify as bisexual because you think it sounds French.

14. So bisexual that you fantasize not only about both Brad and Angelina but also about Regis and Kelly.

15. So bisexual that you get Patti LuPone and Mandy Patinkin confused.

16. Almost too bisexual, because you keep approaching straight married couples on the subway and murmuring, “The answer is yes.”

17. Homosexual, but occasionally attracted to the opposite gender, just to get your mom’s hopes up.

18. Homosexual, but willing to look at a member of the opposite sex without howling, “Dear God in Heaven, what is that?”

19. Homosexual, but sometimes still fantasizes about kissing someone of the opposite sex, as an item on a scavenger hunt.

20. Homosexual, but willing to speak to heterosexuals without muttering, under your breath, “Have you ever even been to a museum?”

21. So homosexual that both partners can achieve orgasm just by debating dream casting for the next revival of “Follies.”

22. So homosexual that you refer to you and your partner’s genitalia as “matchy-matchy.”

23. So exclusively homosexual that you made an “It Gets Better” video aimed at kids who were raised in homes without stacks of coffee-table books.

24. So overwhelmingly homosexual that you dream that Patti LuPone and Mandy Patinkin are your birth parents.

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:: 2011 5 November :: 11.23 pm

Rory, put Hitler in the cupboard.

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:: 2011 4 November :: 2.29 am

I had breasts dragged across my face for the first time today. Just finished washing the smell of stripper off of me.

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:: 2011 4 September :: 4.55 am

My cock... not the biggest. not the longest. not the thickest. not the most perfect. not a porn star's.

...but damn it! I love the fuck out of it!

And the best part is... cums when I tell it to

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:: 2011 31 July :: 9.39 pm

Women can fake orgasms but men can fake love.

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:: 2011 28 July :: 8.15 pm

Every school has cheerleader car washes.

Where the cheerleaders wash the cars, not where you wash the cheerleaders.

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:: 2011 16 July :: 11.26 pm

I can't focus on my porn with all of this real sex going on around me!

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:: 2011 11 July :: 8.52 am

Sookie: You just killed my fairy godmother.

Eric: Sorry.

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:: 2011 7 July :: 10.45 pm

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:: 2011 7 July :: 10.39 pm

Gay guys: We're so manly, we do it with other guys.

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:: 2011 29 June :: 10.25 pm

What do we do now?

We do what most families do on Christmas Eve.

Watch Uncle Bob get drunk and pee in the toaster?

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:: 2011 14 June :: 10.20 pm

You can all fuck my titties with your shit covered cocks you cum guzzling faggots.

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:: 2011 24 May :: 8.58 pm

We're here. We're queer. We take it in the rear!

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:: 2011 1 May :: 10.35 pm

John Hancock is a real person? I thought it was a sex act.

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:: 2011 1 May :: 9.23 pm

After you clean the pool, I am going to shave every inch of you.

Ugh, that is not a classy toast.

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:: 2011 28 April :: 8.14 pm

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:: 2011 25 April :: 11.07 pm

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:: 2011 21 April :: 3.28 pm

I'll take Cody.

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:: 2011 20 April :: 12.16 pm

I have a question, are you single?

I'm not gay.

I don't care. You're hunky and I'm what they call predatory gay.

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:: 2011 19 April :: 7.57 am

You are a strawberry blonde. You can't go out with an ash blonde, it wouldn't be right.

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:: 2011 28 March :: 2.58 am

Heteroflexible: Straight, but shit happens.

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:: 2011 22 March :: 11.16 pm

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:: 2011 19 March :: 1.42 pm

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:: 2011 2 March :: 10.43 pm

Butt sex is a lot like spinach. If you're forced to have it as a child, you won't enjoy it as an adult.

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:: 2011 20 February :: 9.38 pm

Yo mamas so fat she got cheats for Wii Fit.

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:: 2011 25 January :: 11.13 pm

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:: 2011 13 January :: 8.11 pm

"I haven't seen a basket that impressive since the one on Red Riding Hood's arm."

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:: 2011 1 January :: 8.34 am


It's fine to have one.
It's fine to be proud of it.
But please don't whip it out in public and start waving it around.
And please don't try to shove it down my children's throats.

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:: 2010 16 December :: 6.42 pm

If you listen to nothing else I say, remember this: choose a man with a large penis. People who say size doesn’t matter are generally the folks who don’t have much to brag about in the crotch department.’ Then she said, ‘Your grandfather, God rest his soul, had a nice eight-incher. Lord I miss that man.

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