godessalthena
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2020 8 December :: 8.07am
:: Music: good girls (don't get used)
maybe it's time for a real update...
4 months until our lease is over. then he wants to leave Spokane. I never thought I'd want to stay here so much.
but I'm so conflicted because living somewhere else could be really fun and whatever.. but I don't make friends, and if I move away I'm basically isolating myself...
it's just so hard when I feel like you hate me every single day. half the time I talk to you, you're just an ass. I know you're going through some really hard things, and life seems pointless, and everyone is your enemy. but I'm not. im on your team. just be fucking nice to me.
but all this negativity has me thinking that maybe somehow I deserve what I get. I deserve to consistently have a broken heart. consistently forgotten and pushes aside for others. not invited, not talked to, just leav me alone. I'm tired of the game and all I want to do is bury myself under a blanket of dirt and soft moss, with a pillow of flowers and pine needles. leave me there and forget my existence some how touched you.
I feel a dark heavy hole where my heart used to be. I feel a lingering pain where a soul supposedly existed. an absence mind where intelligence and creativity once sat.
I'm drowning in bad feelings I'm filled with intrusive thoughts the voice in my head is never sweet or kind to me I miss my family so. fucking. much.
I just miss everyone. I miss everything. I wish everything didn't get so fucked up. I wish I knew how I felt and I wish I could say it out loud. I am invisible, inconsequential, worthless, and a waste. I'm aa bank account. I'm just a good credit score and too generous.i have trouble making boundaries and even more terrible maintaining them.
the only thing keeping me is knowing how sad everyone would be if I killed myself. I don't want to hurt anyone else.
and tha sun got brighter then
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godessalthena
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2020 7 December :: 6.40pm
I know I say this a lot.
but fuck do I hate being alive.
and tha sun got brighter then
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godessalthena
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2020 26 November :: 6.45pm
I hate every single second I'm alive
and tha sun got brighter then
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godessalthena
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2020 26 November :: 12.44pm
these feelings are inescapable
like a black straight jacket suffocating me
I'm so so miserable no matter my circumstances
and that isn't fair to anyone
except me because I deserve to feel this way
and tha sun got brighter then
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godessalthena
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2020 17 November :: 9.16pm
remember when we saw secret window with Johnny depp and painted pottery for your birthday? that was a good day.
I miss those days.
and tha sun got brighter then
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godessalthena
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2020 17 November :: 10.22am
holidays are cancelled this year. I miss my family.
been practicing making pretzels. they taste really good, they are light and fluffy, I just always feel like they are too soft. I am so scared of over kneading because I tried making tortellini from scratch before and they were so tough I thought they would break my teeth.
I'll knead it longer next time. I wish my oven was bigger.
and tha sun got brighter then
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godessalthena
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2020 19 October :: 10.00am
my life is a shitty mess
but at least I'm not a heroin addict I guess
:(
2 touched my hand... |
and tha sun got brighter then
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godessalthena
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2020 9 October :: 10.34am
that moment when your boss says none of us have a racist bone in our bodies, when every propaganda video they have been showing us says we are all just a lil racist.
this is a team of white people talking about racism and privilege. one hispanic lady everyone thinks is white. I don't think there is too much going on here.
2 touched my hand... |
and tha sun got brighter then
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godessalthena
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2020 4 October :: 8.18am
i need you like water in my lungs
1 touched my hand |
and tha sun got brighter then
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godessalthena
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2020 14 September :: 10.06am
that feeling when your soul is an open window, and everyone can see the wind blow through.
and tha sun got brighter then
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godessalthena
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2020 29 August :: 10.21pm
someone actually paid me back today what the fuck
this is a strange feeling
and tha sun got brighter then
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godessalthena
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2020 21 August :: 7.59am
I very literally hate every day.
I hate my life.
I hate my choices in life.
I hate the future.
I just want to give up so badly. all this struggle and for what. nothing fucking MEANS ANYTHING.
it's all just cheap plastic emotions and cheap plastic people and cheap plastic money.
I'm so lonely.
1 touched my hand |
and tha sun got brighter then
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godessalthena
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2020 11 August :: 5.54pm
quarantine is taking me back to the sus era.
I feel so isolated and lonely.
I don't like living, I'm done having my dreams crushed.
time to stop dreaming. and start existing in the mud like the fat ugly pig I am.
and tha sun got brighter then
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godessalthena
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2020 30 July :: 9.38am
who have I become?
I don't even recognize myself anymore
there's a stranger under my skin
and tha sun got brighter then
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godessalthena
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2020 25 July :: 12.38pm
trapped in a box, reaching my breaking point
I need a vacation
2 touched my hand... |
and tha sun got brighter then
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godessalthena
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2020 15 July :: 8.35am
I am really depressed, but a secret depressed that is hiding under a somewhat composed exterior.
I don't know the words to say, or not to say. I know massages and hugs are always comforting. but feeling this God damn helpless to bright his future horizon.
imagine your father dies. imagine he does because some asshole didn't think it was important to wear a mask in public because it's stepping on their "liberties". now imagine the last conversation with your dad was not a positive one, and there is literally no chance now for you to make things right.
now imagine this is the 3rd time it's happened since September.
what the fuck does your best friend/lover/fiance do to help? saying "it'll be okay" feels so cheap and hollow in this situation. "think of the good things" when they are being dragged to the bottom of the ocean by chains of guilt seems an impossible taste, as the darkness of the deep swallows slowly the sun light.
and I never got to give him a grandchild he'll see. I never really got to know him. and now that's a part of my life i have to miss. and our possible child will miss too.
my mind turns to my folks. what if they catch it? will I only have 5 days and no ability to see them or talk to them? will I have to make a life support decision?
my mom lost both her parents by my age. I literally can't even imagine how I would survive that. and now it's a reality for so many millennials. and my heart absolutely breaks for everyone who's lost family or friends to this stupid fucking virus, and these stupid fucking rude americans who all just live in their own hellish little bubble of self pity self loathing and inability to take responsibility for anything.
I can't help but agree with him though, like... in the face of all of this... what's the point? what is the fucking point of this absurd existence on an insignificant dot in the middle of no where in the vast infinity of the universe?
the only meaning life has, is the meaning you give it.
1 touched my hand |
and tha sun got brighter then
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godessalthena
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2020 11 July :: 9.44am
and just like that he's gone.
3rd in 12 months. life is really fucking unfair.
and tha sun got brighter then
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