though im weak inside im thriving just the same, still calling out your name, wondering who it is that i should blame, stabbing hard and burried conciousness and fear, forgetting others i hold dear..
there are a lot of things i dont know
i dont know how to begin this entry
i dont know how to bring myself to tell you what i should
i dontt know what is best for me
and i dont know the inevitable
as far as i am concerned, my life is far from over and i have the remainder of it to resolve these challenges, already knocking off the list the first mentioned and final mentioned, having begun the entry and evidently i can now comprehend the inevitable
with these few days i have left to spend with someone with who an unmatched relationship sparked, this entry is more so one of closure than anything else, something to end on, because as we are both well aware of, this relationship wont last past the last day of school, which is precisely the reason behind my actions recently, i have a phobia of the future, already in these past few weeks have i come to distinguish that without your screen name heading my buddy list, and without permission to contact you via phone i have no other to discuss my deepest thoughts with, but with this situation not enhancing as far as i see it, i can only hope to better the days left together, as numbered as they are
i doubt we will ever be as close as we were over winter break and here after, i have been pushed away farther than i ever expected, though i am assured that you havent taken note of it, and the only way i see fit to contend with such doing is to act as i have been, somewhat distant which i am not in the least proud of this presentation, and this is what i longed to say to you that afternoon spent together, faded glimpses of what it used to be
and to think that just the other day you were sitting in a similar spot wiht someone rather than myself, and at first response, you would say i struck with envy, but i am well aware that i have absolutely nothing to be envious of, but afraid that i am no longer going to be that person you call in the early hours of the morning, the person you spend a greater portion of your time chatting with online, the person you walk with to all of your classes, the person you laugh with, the person you cry with just the same, and the person i thought i could tell anything to
and in the span of days remaining, it will all dwindle to what you predicted
lapses between dialogue, casual gestures when passing one another, troublesome eye contact, until it crumbles into what it was in the beginning months of the year, hatred
::
2004 12 May :: 3.34am
:: Mood: thirsty
:: Music: i dont wanna kno
Today was a good day
Im very happy. We won our game last night. it was such a great game. we were losing until the 5th inning 5-2. i started it, i was the 1st batter and so the 9th batter was on 1st and i was up. at first, i fouled off the bunt ((ooops!)) so then he had me hit, and i hit a triple! it was so great! so that made the score 5-3. then bruno hit me in which made it 5-4. then lindsay hit a homerun so yeah 6-5. and it was started by me!! w000 h000! then hit another bomb out into right center. it was grand! lol. Amandas brother luis was our base ump! haha he jimped me outta a call but what can i say. lol. Me and Michael are doing perfect. I love him to pieces. people in his math class are retards. lol they said, "lauren's pregnant" lol and iw as like, "i am?" lol and michael told them we didnt do anything but they still kept saying i was and so far it involves jenna, ben, n seth. so far its seth who started it, and then jenna suppoidly told everybody, so thats how rumors get started right there! lol oh well. im skinny asa rail. i think id kno if i was pregnant.. i mean you gotta have sex to get pregnant, lol so far that hasnt happend! so yeah, whatever works for them. when my stomak dont start poppin outta my pants, then peopel will realize how full of shit they are. oooh this world is one crazii bi-otch!
i wanna see michael right now! his team lost there game.. so did our varisty... such heartbreakers! today was seniors last day! haha ima miss dan davis makin fun of me in american government lol. he did today. lol his thing in my yearbook is funny. well, lets see what else.... my hair looked cool today. it was very... odd. it had no direction, wasnt curly, wasnt straight, it was just all ova the place! hehe oh well. courtni brouhght pix from when this whole big argument started with me n janna n randee n people. n lol these pics, i look drunk in almost all of them. theres like a bajillion pix of randee and janna me n courtni are gunna rip them up! well at least i will. i dont kno about her yet. randee wanted alll this to stop but she insists on printing my journal and taking it to the softball game last night. sooo shes the one who is keeping all of this going. me and monica had a nice talk today! hehe im so happy were still cool with eachother despite all the drama going around me. my parents are havin a party next month so ima invite her, ashiee, michael n maybe scott n kevin! haha! just for the both of them! welps, im done!
Always n forever!
Michaels Angel!
LAuren!
oh heres my Thing!
About Me
Age: 15
Birthdate: Dec 8
Zodiac Sign: Saggitarius
Location: Ft MyAs!
Birthplace: PitTsburgh
Nickname: Laur, Lo, Laureen, Lawn, Lauraina
Screen Name: TasteZLykECherrY
Hair Color: brown with ugly highlights
Eye Color: brown
Height: 5'3!!!
Piercings: My ears, i get other stuff peirced when im 16!
Tattoos: Nope! i hada henna tattoo before...
Braces: hah aunforutnaly
Freckles: in tha sun!
Wavy/Straight/Curly Hair: Straight
Hair Length: Past shoulders..
Color of Nails: normal color of nails?
Do you bare down hard when you write: bare down hard???
Hobbies: Talkin, Softball, Flute, Partyin, BEachin it
Job: Nope!
School: Ft MYers---
Do you have a Bi-Lo Bonus Card: whats that?
Have you ever worked for a resturaunt: no
Do you have a pencil blister: nope, didnt kno those existed... if my hand gets tired, i stop writin
Do you have those little white marks under your nails?: A couple... not enuff carotts!
How many: 2 er 3
Did you used to say that was how many guys/girls liked you: lol in 6th gradE
Do you have long/short nails: long, but they break due to softball
What are you wearing right now?: Jeans and a cute white tank top
What time is it: 4*05
Date: May11 2004
Favorites
color: Blue n Pink
song: i really have no favorite, i like the one in my journal tho
number: 7, 5, 17
movie: The horse whisper...
group: None
radio station: 103.9, 96.9, 105.5
TV station: Lifetime, Crime one
Car: hmm... h2
School:Nicely Elementary!!
Quote from a movie: Why is life so hard?- 15 and pregnant
Song Lyric: Say wha you wanna say, talk wha you wanna talk
I DONT GIVE A FUCK!
Time of day: night time
House: Any place but mine...
Subject: Biology
Teacher: my 3rd grade teacher, mrs. mondi
Clothing Store: too many
Feeling: when everything seems to be going right
Shoe: these pink high heeled shoes
Jewelry: neklasses
State: PA
Place to Be: Down by the crick of my old house
Fruit: Strawberries and Kiwi
Meat: My grandmas roast
Veggie: Corn, Carrotts
Ice Cream: Strawberry, Cookies n Cream
Potato Chip: Sour Cream n onion
Salad Dressing: Ranch
Sauce: Ketchup
Fast Food Resturant: McD's & Burger King
Dine In: I don't know.
Gas Station: 7-11! ((SLURPIEE!))
Candy: reeses, gum, skittles, twix
Bread: yummy.
Grocery Store: WAL MART!
Dog: Golden Retriever
Animal: Pup
Letter: What kind of question is this?
Month: December
Season: winter
Country Song: Little Moments
Rap Song: Yeaah
Oldie: my girl
Nickname: Well.. uh.. of mine?
Shape: heart
Sense: sight
Sport: softball/baseball
Football Team: lol, uhm Steelers?
Basketball Team: IDK, Pitt?
Bath & Body Works Scent: Cottom Blossom
Shampoo: Anything that cleans...would be just fantabulous
Soap: See above response
Toothpaste: See above 2 responses((but has to taste good))
Drink: Coke, Lemonade
Alcoholic Beverage: dont have much experience, Bacardi O or R tastes good tho.
Talk Show Host: Maury
Insect: Butterfly
CD you own: Blink 182- take off your pants n jacket
Do you have a lucky number: 7
Prized Possession: my life... my dog...my stuffed animal from when i was born...
Do you do drugs: Never.. that crap messes people up
Do you drink: nope. learned my lesson in november
Do you cuss: Hell yea.
Worst subject: math
What are your plans after school: Live the life i dream of.
Do you have a CD burner: Ya
Who do you hate: Hate.. is.. uhm... bad.... but looka t previous entries
Who hates you: haha lets not get into that. too many to count.
How many buddies are on your buddy list: 189 i keep deletin people.
How many are online right now: 33
Which ones are you talking to: I'm away
How do you know them: they are muh buddies!
What did you do yesterday: School!
What did you do today: Nothing, so far. cept school.
What are you doing tomorrow: school n a championship game!! w00t! goes As!
What are you doing this weekend: NOt sure yet
What did you do last weekend: nuthing
What are you gonna do when this is over: talk in aim probly.
Love + Relationships
Are you currently in love: Yes.
Have you ever been in love: yea
Define Love: Basically when you share something special with someone that is so incredibly amazing words cannot explain. You would do anything for the person, you would kill yourself for that person...
Boyfriend/Girlfriend: Yes
Your Crush: michael?
First Kiss: 1st grade!!! stephen parsons! i didnt even kno he kissed me!
First Boyfriend/Girlfriend:stephen parsons! if you count him asa bf
Is there anyone that you would date again: Mmmmm... i dont kno. i love michael.
Do you believe in love at first sight: No. no no no.
What is the longest relationship you've been in: around 6 months
With who: DAvid
Why did ya'll break up: Long story.
List all the people that you have dated more than a month: Oh wow.. I don't kno.. Stephen, David, Josiah, Carlos, James, Reid,
First french kiss: Oh uhh... James?
Are you a virgin?: no comment.
Who did you lose it to?: no comment.
How old were you? 15
Friends
Your closest ones:Libby
The one that lives farthest away: Libby
The one that lives closest to you: Dunno.
The tallest: Tyler
Shortest: Erin
Best-Looking: Daniel Craig
Biggest Flirt: Not sure.
Most Outgoing: Courtni
Shyest: None of them are shy
Wildest: Dont kno.... Alexa
One you can trust the most: Libby
One you've known the longest: Lib- Kindergarden
Known the shortest: Umm... Courtni
Best Laugh: Anjali
Worst Laugh: I dunno
School was school. Michael left early.. he left 5th period, but thats okay because i was passing at yrbooks at lunch anyway n the chilled with dwight n aaron 7th period. that was fun. haha i got aarons signatures beside his pix in the yearbook! oh right- the yearbook, i got today. its sooo ghetto. i hate it. too much white space. i think the worst page in the whole book is varisy baseball, theres 2 pages of rlike 6 pix. i coulda done better at designing it, hmm oh well. i saw a bunch of the pix i took! haha i have copies of them on my old comp/ . its pretty cool. theresa buncha pix that i took of alexa. she looks sooo pretty in theum! i have a game tonight... could be the last game. if the yankees beat us tonight, we took 2nd, but if we win, then we play ONE more time. cant wait. i feel so blah, im so0o0o sleepy. oh well. as i told michael today, "suck it up solider!" lol... schoool was just so boring today. i didnt want to talk to anyone, so i didnt. anyone who said hi to me, i kinda gave them a smile n kept walking. cept for michael of course. i dont kno what im going to ear to school tomorro. i like to kno because yeah... i wanna look goood for michael bcause... i have to... wow cool i just typed all of this without looking at my fingers and where they are going on the keyboard. not bad not bad not bad! well ima go take a nap before my wonderful game in 3 oaks
Well, school is dumb. girls are dumb. life is just dumb in general. Randee, a stupid crippled bitch, can't keep her comments to herself. I have not lost anything that dear to me. I mean maybe my reputation, but that's it. Not that i had one to begin with. I wasn't the slut people made me out to be. I was just a quiet little girl who tried to keep to herself. Well, that girl is gone. Im not that virgin everyone wants me to be, and i've learned to defend myself and just ignore everything negative people have to say about me. But lately, it's getting to me again. I shouldnt let it, but i feel as if i cannot help it anymore. i hat egirls. they are so mean and ridiculous!
Hmmm....
i wish most would just fuck off, like janna and randee for instance.
Theres good people like Courtni, whom i am now considered one of her best friends. she has listened to me cry these past few nights. Me and Bruno are starting to get get close, and i love that feeling. but people just ruin it. they don't know me...
Michael knows me inside and backwards. Janna doesnt kno me. she said so herself.
Im sad that peopel tell me i dont belong in a church... i am very religious. i believe in god. and im sick of it...thats really what i have to look forwrad to and thats why im alive.
~Lauren
::
2004 9 May :: 4.38am
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: salt shaker
well today was mommas day and we went to dwyres for brunch. it was very yummy! michael is in trouble with his father so i dont know how often i will be seeeing him out of school... ill just have to make school time worth while then! i lvoe him to death! hehe... im back to sleeping better. ive slept the whole night 2 nights in a row... W0oo0o0h0o0o0oo0o!
people are so dumb. this is MY journal. not anyone elses. to the annoynimus commenter on the other entry is so retarded. how many peopel tell me " i need to realize what ive lsot" ive lost 3 bitchy friends. yay. lol, can you tell im still upset about it? since they call me as lut i can call them whatever i want considering we are no longer friends. think about it. fair is fair innit? hah ghetto talk!
I had fun at church today. i saw ESteros yesarbook. chris let me see it. its cool. i looked up monica n kyle n other people. i saw a picture of scott lol in his cowboy stuff. it was cute. Dane kept coverin up his pic. but i ended up seeing it anyway because chris got his book back and yeah he let me look. my pool is almost finished. i cant wait. itll be done in baout 2 weeks at the most. wellli think im done for now. im sleepy and i think ima go take a nap from all this drama!
MUAH!
always
LAuren
::
2004 8 May :: 6.56am
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: rest in pieces
Hi-
Well, now i can keep myjournal. lol.. this keeps gettin confusin. oh well.
today i had a game against the devil rays again.. WE WON 3*2!!!!
it was very exciting and also very nail biting. i ended up twisting my ankle going after a difficult fly ball behind third base in the outfield. i had it in my glove but not long enuff because as i caught the ball my ankle twisted and as i went down i dropped the ball. my bruise from the other day looks nastayy!!!
oh wells. last night i went to the movies with michael. today is his dads bday. so hes at iguana mia! haha...
anyways... turn up your volume... and read this as themusic is playing....
Anjali made me realize something. She made me realize that i take too much forgranted. Just as everyone else does. I act like my life is so bad... but i gotta think about the kids in india and bad countries that have so much war and turmoil and starvation going on.. im not one of the kids who no one wants to adopt... im just Lauren. A little girl who can't face reality of things. Ima girl who wants to live in a dream world the rest of her life and try to ignore what people in the real world are like. I have finally begun to realize how mean people can be. I act like everything is wrong but im not standin on a street corner everynight trying to get money to support anyone... even tho some of you think i am... im really not the whore im played out to be. im not your virgin mary... but im also not your street corner strip club girl.. i just wish people would leave me alone about things. im trying to live my life how i want to. im realizing how much i complain about stuff. im not freezing... im not dying... im normal. ima normal teenager with internal conflicts going... why cant people just realize that? i dont want to cause trouble but its like you bring it on. id ont kno... im juss...feeling different and how i want peopel to stop calling me a whore/slut/skank.... i dont mind the bitch ebcause yeah i can be one.. but everything else? if you dont kno me, even if you do, you shouldnt be calling me a whore.. i rpolyl havnt dont a thing to you...so.. i dont kno...
Forever
Lauren
I guess this is it. may 8th, the deadline is tomorr. my money isnt goign to get there in time. bye to this journal forever. i have 160 or 170 sum entries, ill miss it. FUCK ALL YOU PEOPLE AT FMHS!!! YOU'RE NOTHING BUT STUPID TEENAGERS WHO KNOW NOTHING ABOUT LIFE!!! well not all people at fort myers, but most.
honestly, if you couldn't take wahat i wrote, why did u bother reading it? are you happy now? you got what you wanted. i may be a damn whore in your mind but i know i am not. Fuck you
Janna, Nicola, Shannen, Lauren, Randee, Morgan, Jenna, Ericka, Emily, Emilie, Laura, Dylan, Kelly, Ben, Melissa, Liz Lee (eww take it up the ass froma black guy n Kevin), Emily, Ryan, Ashley, Austin, Lindsey,
fuck you. theres more but i gotta headache and i cant name people.
Courtni- thank you hunnie for making my day better! the cake was very good! MUAH!
Michael- Here, you're in my last entry. i love you. you mean everything tome...
::
2004 5 May :: 3.27am
:: Mood: loved
:: Music: rest in pieces
I cant get michael out of my mind. i mean i saw the boy all day... but i cant stop thinking. today was a very good day today. my mom and i went to the mall yesturday after shool and i got a green shirt and wore it today with white capris and i think michael liked it. haha. i got the song on my journal in my mind! TURN UP YER SPEAKERS!!!! you should haer the music! its good.
anyways
i got a 90 on my bio test thingg and a 94 on my notebooks. shcool is back to normal. i l0ve everything being back to normal. it gives me a better feeling inside. i have butterflies in my stomache riight now! ooh i wanna see michael so bad.
i have a game tonight against the yankees! they and us are undefeated so i hope we kick some major ass against them because i dont like alot of people on that team! brunois gunna go tonigt. i think she is back to being part oof the team. hm, who knows? well, ima go. im sleepy n i wanna take a nap before the game!
Love always
Laur
::
2004 4 May :: 5.12am
:: Mood: blank
:: Music: rest in pieces
WEll- School was boring.
I got a 98 on my American Government test. But i have another one coming up! in math today i found out we have a bunch of tests this week. and wow! i need to pull my grade up besides getting the 90 on the conics projects. oooh well! Ryan told me to put this song in my journal. i like this song, you kno, the one playing in the backround of my joural? anyway
the backspace button on this keyboard goes pretty damn fast! haha! k
Janna is like hanging herself with telling people not to talk to me. i mean shes trying to turn marie against me but i knew the girl before i even lived in this state! sooo she isnt going to get anywhere with marie because shes not going to give into her stupidity. and my little sister is bugging the crap out of me! i got my hair cut yesturday! it looks kinda bad... id ont kno! its relaly layerd in the back but i think it makes my face look like a mushroom! i have practice tonight. i really dont want to go to it because ive had a headache all day. i took the writing portion for the AP eupopean history class. i think i did good. but then again! haha im ususally wrong. all the poeple that i think should have gotten into SGA asa rep, didnt! except Eileen was bragging to people saying liek it wasa popularity contest so she said she was GOING to win. but haha turns out she didnt! lol stupid bi-otch!
omg today in english, liz lee, she usually cant shut her damn mouth, well she finalyl did because we were watching some dumb movie and not many other people were watching it. so people were talking and she yelled "SHUT UP!" so i said loud enuff for her to hear, "liz, you never shut up". lol i was wriging michael a note so i went back to work but i mean i had to look up to say that because it annoyed me so. stephanie and gurline said she was giving me a very bad look. lol oh well she thinks shes all that but wanted it up the butt from kevin! haha im glad he sent her pix all ova the internet!
HMmm today me and michael kind of got into a mini fight because i woudlnt let him read a note that talked abotu greg.. like right after it happened and he hates hearing about it so i wouldnt let him read it because then later tonight hed ask me about it so yeah but we're good. were still all lovey dovey!
lol i love him to death! he loves me! were a happy family! whoaoooa barny toons! what has the world come to?
Courntey keeps bugging me !!! AHHH stupid little sister! but i think ill get off before she "tells on me " lol
Always and forever
Lauren
i love michael garczynski forever!!!!!!
MUAH!
::
2004 4 May :: 4.36pm
:: Mood: loved
:: Music: the working title, never forever
walking in my sleep throwing rocks and wishing my hands were shaking for someone whos missing me ive been wading through all the sad remarks but now im learning for myself that i have to see you even
after rescripting and revising, then again writing what i had in mind without looking back upon the beginning entry, i thought better of it, for it no longer held relevance
my regret for those who were looking forward to reading of such things that put me in a mood of the sorts, typically parallel to the weather of friday evening, all was astray yet wonderous, like that of the thunderstorm overhead the entirety of the night (another rain motif?)
not permitted to sleep due to the ongoing storm, i began typing that night continuing in a note directed to a particular person which i intend to insert excerpts of in an upcoming entry, and this i will guarantee rather than thinking better of it as demonstrated above
stumbled across this newclipping from an acclaimed columnist of the university of massachusetts, enjoy Read more..
birthdays come around every year, but this one in specific was wonderful
too estatic to begin a longer entry today, and what is a journal entry with some form of disappointment, it is this that creates the cultured entry, no ispiration to write when nothing is going wrong
Im on my nice new computer! it makes the world sooo0-o0o0 much easier to use! haha. Anyways- Yes Nicola is being once again an immature bitch, but that's okay. i don't need her! Things are startin to get back to normal. i love it ! Hmm-- ME and Tiff said hi today. that was good. me and amanda exchanged glances! its so good. im still the whore of fort myers but does it seeml ike i care? HELL NAH!! lol theres my ghetto talk juss for Janna n Nicola. since they say i try to look ghetto. but really, i dont think id o but whatever works i guess! i was REALLY sick yestruday. i slept all day. i think its because of that wonderful time once a month i miss school! haha no more to be said. Schoolt today was pretty lame. i got a 90 on my conics project. not too shabby! considering i had noooo idea in my right mind about what the hell i was doing. lol. lots of people gotlike an 85 so im pretty happy. my grade in bio is still an 86 cuase i juss gotta 64 on my last quiz thinggy. but hey, i think i got another 100 on a diff quiz we took today and we have notebook checks on wednesday so i think ill be doin fine! me and dwght have really bin talkin in band. he keeps my mind offa petty shit like worrying about janna and nicola. its all good. i like having this feeling inside of me that things are starting to look up. ilove it. me and courtni are becoming really close. i kno alot about ehr now. i hope things work out between her and tice! well, im going to go. i wanna go talk to michael! i love him to death. yes nicola, LOVE!!!! i really hate whne people say you dont kno what it is when they dont either. sooo yah kno what? im happy with him and i feel like i love him so they can kiss it! oh lol thats juss for michael! haha
Always
Laur
Call Me!
::
2004 1 May :: 8.50am
:: Mood: flirty
:: Music: the chicekn dance
michael juss left!!!! he came to my game! Amanda Bruno went. At the end of the game we talked for about a half an hour soo.. yeah were doin better then before! she finally unlcoked me. so im happy.
i love michael soo much. no words can discribe it! oooh i lvoe him i love him i love him!!!! hes mad at me tho because i made him go online! lol--- i got a new compueter. its sitting in my kitcehn ina box still! haha.
oh well im done!
I LOVE MICHAEL! MUAH!
Always
Laur
Leave an un commento**
::
2004 1 May :: 10.40am
:: Mood: indifferent
:: Music: yellowcard, only one
scream my lungs out and try to get to you, you are my only one i let go there is just no one that gets me like you do made my mistakes let you down and i cant hold on for too long..
my apologies in advance for the lengthy entry that is to come, thought it may take all day to complete, but yesterday being the everlasting day it was was waiting to happen, somewhat contradicting the previous entry examining my daily school procedures
::
2004 1 May :: 8.56am
:: Mood: awake
:: Music: heyyy good lookin! whhattt cha got cookin!
Feelin | rejected ]
[ Tuned into | i want you to want me ]
School kinda sucks... im sick of it. im the "whore of fortmyers" as many people put it. i honestly never knew i could be a ahore... i wish people knew me before they startred shit.
my concert was okay... nothing special. my mom complained the whole time when we got home.. i was very sad and angry at the same time because all she did was complain about how she missed the finally of friends and will n grace. so i dunno.
me and michael are doin great. i wanna see if he can come over tomorro n then go with me to my softball game. we are playing the devil rays in the tournamnet so i hope we kick some major ass! grr i hate school im soo happy the year is almost over i cant wait to get out of this fuckking hell whole. nicola is a dumb bitch who invited me to go to subway with tme yesturday before the concert and then ditched me on purpose and was looking for derek and i told him the time they told me so he walked up wth me... stupid bitches!!!!!! then michael came and he gave me a ride back to school! i as happy about that! well i gotta go now because we are gettin pizza from CiCis then im going to get my hairs cut!
Always
Lauren
Link 1 Everything|What's wrong?
screw bruno [Apr. 27th, 2004|03:44 pm]
[ Feelin | frustrated ]
[ Tuned into | angel ]
SCHOOL SUCKED!!!!!!!
im sick of school! im very upset! Amanda Bruno needs to keep her damn mouth shut. She told coach rhodes about greg n alex. and now michaels damn coach even thinks ima slut.!
its not fair! why can't people just get over the fact that i dont like them and never will so they need to cut their crap? all i watned todo at the end of the day today was cry. today went soo well until michael told me what amanda did! tiffany was talking to michael last niite and was saying that hes soo dumb for going out with me and blah bnlah blah! i mean he doesnt care. why dont peopl ejust understand that? is it sooo hard for their lil mind to comprehend?! its a good thinki didnt write this in the woohu journal because yeah people get all pissed if i ever say anything about them. even janna! how i said she did good pitching but didnt hit her spots! i think its all a bunch of BS! whatever. i just need to ignore it again. i shoudlnt let it get ot me!
ona lighter noote--- i hava concert on thursday.. yes a concert! lol a BAND CONCERT! if i was sitll bFFs with janna ida made fun of her but well... that snot happnin. at least i got sumpfin to do while waiting for 2:30, im awlking michael up to the baseball fields because he hasa game... and i miite go and watch after the dress rehersal tomoror. this concert is gunna be pretty cool in my opinion! i lost the SGA elecions to Tiffany Wu. oh well tho, i really dont mind. im kind of relieved because then id hafta hear the whole.. "vote for me get sex for free" crap that happened when i won earlier this year... i think im done rambling on for now about how pathetic people are! michael said i lokoed really cute! haha this is the first time ive worn my hair up to school since uhhh first quARTTER! lol oh yeah and i think i failed a bio test because i have no idea how to tell whether something hasa ceolom ora psuecoeolom or w/e and how many guts it has.. lol i realyl dont care! k well im done now. ill write later! oh wait again! we won our game last niite! 15*2 haha i pitched! w000! i havnt pitched in 2 months gooo lauren1 and i only walked the last... 3 batters! whose good now?!?!?!? haha well ok im done
Love always
Lauren I LOVE MY MICHAEL!
Link What's wrong?
Barbie! [Apr. 26th, 2004|03:38 pm]
[ Feelin | peachy! ]
[ Tuned into | My love is like whoa! ]
i was called BARBIE today! lol.. i wore an all pink outfit. i looked pretty cute! i hope michael liked it. i hava softball game tonight. my team sucks tho. we took 4th!!!! outta 5th place becasue there wasa 3 way tie for 2nd... which kinda blows. and we lost the game i wasnt at so it dropped us to 4th. 0o0o0o well. Life at school is actually sarting to get back to normal. im talking with alot more guys that are on the baseball team! its cool. Me and michael are PERFECT! nothing could ruin us! i love him! i love him soo much. i kno its nothing coming from me... but i truely do love him!
today in american gvt- dan davis pretty much called me a slut because he found out about alex n greg! stupid boy! oh well i guess riite? i dunno. im def. not gunna rush iinto anyhting iwth michael cuase i dont wanna ruin it. im likedead asleep riite now! you have no idea! Im happy with life riite now! this barbie thinggy is funny. lol sorry- i kno im going back to old stuf but i still think its funny.
Elections took place at school. Now im WAITING to see if i won or not... im scared to find out! lol... i dunno, im kinda doubting ill win. ill be so amazingly happie if i win tho. i wanna throw it all in the dumb bitches faces who talk about me! HEHE its lovely! hmmmmm.. im sleepy. ima go rest before my game!
Always
Laur
Link 2 Everything|What's wrong?
Nightmares, [Apr. 25th, 2004|06:38 am]
[ Feelin | sleepy ]
[ Tuned into | if you want to... i coudl save you... kinda song ]
you kno, nightmares are pretty scary. i mean, i just don't know whatt to do anymore. i keep having these aweful dreams and its hard for me to get any sleep. its not even 7 o clock and im away after i stayed on the phn wiht michael until like 1. i dont get it. i just feel like im falling and falling. hence the title of my journal.michael is pulling me out, but the more nightmares i have the worse my mind cant concentrate. i mean i kno ill be fine but im juss scared...
ona lighter note, i got friedat the pool yesturday. my face is all sunburnt and it looks good tho. hehe im nice and tan. i think im stll going to the beach but it rained all last night... i looked cute at michaels game but he was ina bad mood andn my parents came early but i didnt care because yeah... he was mean... but i think im done. i gotta headache n im sleep.
Laur
Link What's wrong?
I Feel so...blah [Apr. 24th, 2004|05:20 pm]
[ Feelin | exhausted ]
[ Tuned into | Dreamin of you tonight ]
I don't know what im feeling right now. im feeling a mix of emotions, for no particular reason. it sucks being in love with someone and you can't spend every waking moment with them. Michael is angry that im prolyl gonna go to the beach tomorro... i wish hed like the beach... why do i feel so... BLAH riite now? i went to my grandparnents pool today and got tan... so i dont kno. i did ALOT of thinking...i think a lil too much... im going to michaels game tonight so hopefully seeing him will get me outta the dumps. im out tho..
Always
Laur
Link What's wrong?
[Apr. 24th, 2004|10:35 am]
[ Feelin | okay ]
[ Tuned into | us against the world ]
Well, it another wonderful day in the neighbrhood. my computer is REALLY messed up. i wanna get a new one and so does my mom. im gogin to my grandmas house soon to go to her pool because yeah theresa buncha young guys working on my pool. there puttin the tile and the bricks on. i cant wait till its finished cause theni can have my michael over! hooray! hes always bizy doin hw... i get sick of it but w.e. janna has suppoidly been telling michaels old chikka shit abotu me. the stupid bitch. i cant believe i ever rwanted to be friends with her again. w/e works... just w.e works... my ankle feels sooo i dunno. not riite. its like im sooo fukkn uncomfortable. like last niite. well im done riiteing for now. my attention span is very low riite now . lol
My First Entry!!and im kinda happy to get things back to normal. I needed a diary thing so..."got diary" works! haha... well im trying to find out how to do stuff riite now so i don't know what to write. a ton of thing shave been going on in my mind but michael has been there for me every step of the way, i don't kno what id do without him. me and janna are no longer friends and will neverbe friends... but whtaver works.. im going to figure out how to work this crap!
i love yah
~Lauren
I LOVE MICHAEL ALOT!!
THose are all muh past entries from when i was in my old diary. yupp. i dont care anymore what people say!
its there choice! not mine! im raelly bored riight now. michael i think is comin over later. then go to my game with me! i cant wait! he'll actually be able to see me play. riight now he is at a baseball thinggy. i dont kno hat kinda baseball thinggy but alls i kno is its dumb! i still need to pay for this journal. i think i should get on the ball. i have a week left! alrighty then. im done! my doggie keeps on crying! hehe stilly girl! IM GETTING A POOL! its almost done! im happie! they are coloring it i think todya, the deck. its a very nuetral reds and oranges and yellows! and im ina very happy mood riite now so i wanna go n takea shower! yes im dumb since ill get all sweaty n grose later but oh well!
i lvoe yah michael!
MUAH!
Lauren
::
2004 30 April :: 6.21am
:: Mood: accomplished
:: Music: voice within
Well- im back. I just realized all of fort myers hates me now, and people are finally getting over reading this journal. i will write everything i feel whether you like it or not. imade a nother journal..
www.gotdiary.com/~n0t_s0_inn0cent
yeah that has a bunch of thoughts.
School is GAY but what can i say? Janna is a bitch, well so is Randee and Nicola, and everybody else. I really don't care! Me and Michael are perfect! Me and Courtni are really good friends now. yes, the girl i tripped over that no one could get over. Im happy to start this journal again. I mean i really shouldnt care what people say. like i put at the top of my journal
IF YOU DON'T LIKE WHAT I WRITE, TOUGH SHIT!
thats the best. well- i hope people take that into consideration because well. i dont care anymore. comment al lyah want! leave anything yah want. does it really seem like i care? in 2 weeks over 400 people viewed my jouranl. thats pretty damn crazii. thats how many people care what i have to say! i mean thank you for making me the center of your world even tho its negative. it makes me kno that your always thinking abotu me and what i do and i dont kno i guess im happy with it. eileen uhlar hates me because yeah i kno that she had sex with john-michael
but yeah... its all good! lol she doesnt want anyone to kno abotu it, but hell i kno. yeah amanda bruno was havin sex when she was 13 with some 17 y/o! interesting. well it took me about an hour to re-do my jouranl. i think its pretty. its for michael (all the lil haears) im sooo happy to be writing again!
Always
Lauren
::
2004 28 April :: 3.20pm
:: Mood: anxious
:: Music: funeral for a friend, moments forever faded
in the black and white the consequence of adultery tasting you for the first time, just to breathe you in reaking you for the first time, bathed in sin..
this would be the point where i reflect back on all that has taken place up to this time in the day, and consequently realize that absolutely nothing of interest occurs in the days gone by, you may be one to differ, but below is all that happened in the several hours spent at school, and i am positive you will agree that i lead an uneventful life
1. woke up at 4am to my mother playing word games on her computer, thanks for turning off the sound
2. saw the clock glaring 4am, walked to the kitchen to see if it wasnt daylight savings or some other holiday indicating time
3. cursed for thinking i was late having fallen asleep reading with the light remaining on
4. fell back into a deep slumber only to awaken almost two hours later
5. rushed about for the twenty minutes i had to prepare for school
6. arrived at school approximately 640 am to run into not a soul
7. wandered into biology class to leave the next minute with melissa to purchase a hot chocolate
8. cleaned out melissa's locker for the time being, and observed jeannie practicing the cheerleading dance in the middle of a populated corridor
9. returned back to class to study for and complete the chapter 29 test, which i assure you i did brilliant on
10. listened to alexandra talk negatively of jeannie and decided upon putting her in her rightous place
11. spoke with seth the remaining hour of class, learned of his future plans
12. i will have you know in this rush to get ready, i didnt put on my watch, creating difficulties with time management
13. late to american government, which resulted in a detention delivered to both gus and i
14. began a study guide for a test being held friday, spoke with gus and taylor
15. made my way to the cafeteria to purchase a nutty buddy to consume fifth period with the assistance of taylor's borrowed quarter
16. spoke with megan, emily, erika, and melissa before the beginning of fifth period
17. instructed i should steal someone away from the "sea creature", denied this request
18. finished algebra classwork before the remainder of the class, others attempted to copy answers
19. rather than heading to lunch, the detention room was to be my surroundings
20. spent seven or so minutes in the monotonous room, asked the kid next to me for the newspaper, instructed to remain quiet
21. walking into nick and chris spending lunch together, received half a ho-ho
22. realized that no one would bother walking with me to my locker, reluctantly walking alone
23. sixth period, english rolled around only to be spent hurriedly copying notes on the current novel
24. after two hours of agony, the final bell rung, releasing me to the freedom of home
25. walked chris to his bus, as usual
26. ran into erik who asked of my acts upon the sidewalk, told him of my current situation, ended with him stating i was one of those people, who broke up and got back together more than he could count
27. graciously swayed my way through the throngs of people to the front of the school
28. paced down cortez to greet my father who was running late after a round of golf at heritage palms
29. persuading him to make a stop at taco bell to order the zesty chicken bowl
30. returned home to switch on my computer, and found myself updating my journal with unsignificant events
::
2004 27 April :: 8.50am
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: the lost prophets, a million miles
maybe your reasons, keep on changing through the seasons only time could tell now dont stem the bleeding, cause i sure it has some meaning still you..
dont count on this entry being available to the public hereafter
i will inevitably regret writting of such matters, but journals are intended to conceal your innermost thoughts, correct? thought the idea of online journals completely defeats the intention
continuing on with the reason for writing during business and technology class, something isnt how it is supposed to be, as much as i dislike having to write this, it is the absolute truth and i can guarantee that im not the lone one feeling this way
though it may be selfish, i love to talk to chris, and i dont talk with him, of course there are the casual pleasantries but not as i can remember it to be, i doubt we talked for five minutes the entire weekend, yesterday at school wasnt something to rave about in itself, he wrote of how he didnt like it when i left without notice to talk with my friends, and that feeling is mutual, and with not talking to eachother for this length of time has driven me mad, i dont exactly know how to comprehend this behavior, does he not want to talk to me, that would be the obvious logic behind it all
and i can admit that i didnt make an attempt to end this stupidity, the thought that just came to mind is, what if he hasnt taken note of this odd behavior, what if he doesnt even care, but you cant tell me that something that has been going on since august, though lacking at certain points has not a reason to keep it going, and i may be jumping to conclusions on this, but without having talked with chris i feel neglected, and i dont want it to continue
most intelligent solution to this would bring it up to him, but how am i able to do this if i havent even had the slightest chance to hold a decent conversation
we were together this morning
was eye contact made? no
was a conversation initiated? no
was any connecting taking place? no
this sounds like a completely negative entry, all about the problems in my life, these problems are nonexistent, and i dont want to be blowing this out of proportion but i dont like it and something needs to take place to improve this state
::
2004 25 April :: 11.40am
:: Mood: rejuvenated
:: Music: death cab for a cutie, i was a kaleidoscope
this is when i forget breathe all the things i scripted, they sound unfounded and the look that youre giving me, it tells me exactly what you are thinking ,this isnt working anymore..
before accessing the update journal link, i went through varied random journals, none that held my interest past the first entry
but there isnt high expectations from those who populate this site, to think that someone was typing of a sandwhich they consumed "it was a mediocre sandwhich, could have used more mustard and less tomato, but all in all it was only mediocre" .. and i can guarentee that i am not the only one who doesnt care about the mediocre sandwhich, and on a similar hand, i am positive that no one prefers reading of my typing of the medicore sandwhich, hence i continue on
left the house at nine o'clock last night, realizing that i was in the mood for the heartwarming romantic comedy and cup of ice cream, made my way to the nearest video rental to select bridget jone's diary, the absolute best movie for the given situation, spent the lonely night entwined in the chasmire throw attempting to keep my eyelids upright as not to fall asleep, the film concluded around eleven thirty, the time not meaning a thing to me rather than i should be sleeping soundly tonight
and what put me in this mood you dare ask, suppose it is a matter of caring [pun intended]
::
2004 24 April :: 5.53am
:: Mood: lonely
:: Music: the ataris, i owe you one galaxy
will you be my best friend if i offer you my heart, because its already yours, we could watch the sun go down as long as we could watch it rise again..
what i wouldnt do to live with these memories
startled in the early morning hours by the gushing harmony of something corporate, intended to awake me for school, i havent been able to return to that slumber and decided upon updating
i was planning on calling you, but from previous familiarities, i know how you respond with several hours of sleep under your belt and thought better of it, and you arent making much of an attmept to keep things going, but i guess you have reason to
i was chatting with the only available person online at this time of day, and they mentioned the severe strech of time between the remainder of this school year and the next, they feared what would happen to their relationship as their time together dwindled off and by human nature i related this to my own, and being the considerate, yet crazy for being awake this early, perosn they are they questioned my realtionship, and why it has been off and on, and it might have been the idea that i wasnt yet awake and wasnt able to produce an ample response, but i didnt know what to say to this, and after a procession of question marks and several harsh moments i quickly jotted down that something wasnt going right, seems compleltely obvious, this i am aware of, but i was taken aback by this, and proceeding with a similar matter, what is to happen during the course of the summer, if it ever will continue
but it has to, or so it is carved into an insignificant object, only thoughts to keep me company in present time, todays plans wont follow through, instinct isnt one to be a wishful thinker
::
2004 21 April :: 8.11pm
:: Mood: cynical
:: Music: the starting line, the saddest girl story
so it goes unsaid that weve been here before lonely nights and endless fights and sleeping on the floor and hes sorry, so the story goes..
you may all be stunned to realize that i have resorted to woohu as my primary journal site
discovering of this myself only after creating a livejournal account, trasferring all documents, and learning completely revised html coding, due to all the effort put into such a task, i kept with the livejournal only to produce three entries in a three week time frame, i have a lack of motivation when it comes to something that i am not entirely familiar with, and following the most significant update for today, the continuation of this narrative
despite the hate i feel towards admitting that something that was told to me hit a nerve, i cant deny that it has been on my mind ever since being said, this opinion involved a time period in which this particular person specified it would last until, not only was this unheard of in terms of etiquette, and not the proper way to address one who would be directed to as a friend, but it was utterly correct, im not quite sure which caused the most pain, a) knowing that they were right b) realizing how they treat myself by not taking my feelings into consideration or c) not wanting this time period to be so short
what more can i say
on another note, i was in mid-conversation when it came to me that i dont come across as intelligent as i think myself to be, i think that the people i have currently been involved with have rubbed off on me, persuading me to connect at their level persay, and the thought thereafter is what alarmed me the most, what if i am not as intelligent as i thought i was, could i actually be presenting myself just as i am, and that conclusion makes sense, more sense then i have ever had
so its safe to say that weve been here before
heart torn out, down for the count and still come back for more
this lesson is learned too well
though, only unlearned by the time your wounds have healed stop expecting change
have you had enough?
::
2004 16 April :: 8.16pm
:: Mood: embarrassed
:: Music: saves the day, always ten feet tall
you and me we will forge some future because we dont want to be waiting for something right to go wrong..
inevitable that i would avoid the paper this long, relying on this similar blank page to introduce my to a thought that would come across brilliantly on paper, fat chance
i recently requested to be inducted into a livejournal community entilted something along the lines of your memories, where in the members write of recollections and memorable happenings, i have been noted for my saying of the cynical statement fat chance, and this in itself holds a memory
i was at a young age, just beginning my reading skills when my mommy took me to the acknowledged barnes and noble to improve this new found technique, i was given a fixed amount of money to purchase whatever struck my fancy, but that day i didnt receive the book i intended to purchase, rather my mommy chose a book for me, entitled fat chance, and i dispised that book, was repulsed at first sight due to the unappealing cover, and at that age i wasnt interested in the content, but rather the images i was drawn to, on the cover was a blind, abandoned cat, the stereotypical stray, and that is what the narrative evolved around, the idea of this young boy becoming attached to such a hideous creature but hiding it from his mommy, declaring that is she knew, the cat would have a fat chance of survival, despite the dripping unreasonablness, this narrative brought emotion to the adolesence in me
and since i have felt the warmth in my cheecks increasing, my embarassment is raising, i dont think i will be able to post an entry similar to the sorts of this one in quite a while
no objections i assume
...and on a much more promising note
chris and i are together things couldnt be going better
::
2004 15 April :: 2.47pm
:: Mood: groggy
:: Music: rooney, im a terrible person
i dont think i will ever be sorry no im not sorry for a thing ive done and i dont think that ill ever wake up lonely because having him around wasnt all that special..
rather than completing my macbeth paper i have restorted to typing in my journal
no reason in particular, i am just not able to focus on literature with such ideas in my head and such music disrupting the thought process, hence the typing of this entry
suppose the next matter i should type of would be these ideas in my head, expose these inverted thoughts of mine to all who are willing to read, and with that i shall begin
having come back from specs music, the currect cd playing is the lost prophets, craving for this specific cd for some time now, but the recommendation by one sparked the modivation to purchase it, greg sent me a downloaded file of the last train home, and hearing it once again has brought him to memory, you would think these memories would be pleasent ones, but on the contrary, they are mislead ones
how can someone you have known for three or so days make such an impact? i wouldnt think it possible, but i have been one to be proven wrong, why would he believe something there, when i dont find that thought mutual, leading me on with false statements of admiration and hopes of returning to eachother, i dont favor the sound of that
but what i awake to every morning is middream of those nights in rome, gazing at the stars, talking of our futures, walking aimlessly in the early morning hours without shoes, receiving a piggy back ride because the roads were rough, shivering in each others arms but not willing to retreat back to captivity, watching the sunrise and our breath dissolve into the mist, spending hours wrapped up on the lobby couch, all the lights off around the two of us
this is what i awake to
not the night spent in athens
not the longing stare while seperating
not the lights of the parthenon framing the event
not the stolen kisses in the dining room
not the cuddling followed by interuptions
i dont know what you awake to
but that is not what i awake to
I lied, this is my last entry. Stop leaving me comments. I've dropped, so should you. I don't care about you guys anymore. I realized I lost half my friends, so drop it. Im NOT going to fall back into tears and thoughts of suicide over you. Im not going to let my mind get so far because of people like you reading this (the ones who leave mean comments). Leave me alone, it's over, and there is nothing left. Let me live my life how I want to live it. You obviously weren't too good of friends if I dropped you. Think of it that way. I'm tired of the crap. So quit, I really don't give a damn. Michael is here for me, so I don't need any of you guys. I dont need help with anything except for getting what people say out of my head.
Bye
Sorry for being so blunt and rude.
Always and Forever
Lauren Nicole Smith
You don't mean anything to me..
...You're what I never wanna be...
::
2004 11 April :: 2.39pm
:: Mood: gloomy
:: Music: rooney, im a terrible person
i dont think ill ever be sorry no im not sorry for a thing ive done i dont think ill ever wake up lonely cause having him around wasnt all that special..
wont be continuing on the woohu journal site for much longer, with the thought that money is currently being charged to preserve your account, it isnt the money that is an issue for me, but if woohu has already begun this modification, i dont think it will even last
why not move to another journal site which seems to be thriving? and that is exactly the move i expect to make, suppose it is time to change my lifestyle anyways, this journal is complete with memories that are soon to be forgotten, no one can live in the past, the present has too much of an effect
wondering where my new journal is, ask for the address, not everyone should know of it
Hey guys... this is my last entry for a while in here. It causes too much drama. I kno ive done alot of dumb things in my life and i cant make them up
so im ending in this journal. I have no friends, so why bother letting people read what goes on? it shouldnt matter. Im going to slowly get over me and janna. i mean itll take time but i think i can do it. i have michaels help so hopefully itll be alright.
this is like the 4th time ina week ive had this song stuck in my head haha ohw ell
i went to the movies with michael last niite! we saw that walking tall movie... yes we actually watched the movie! i love him ot death. i got other stuff to say but yeah haha people always spread my shit so ill juss talk to muh boy about it! hmmmmmm then we went ot johnny rockets
then hung out with brad n marcus fora bit then ran into carlos n his girl n some girl jessica who i despise but oh well.
today iw ent shoppin with muh momma. we went to miromar outlets to pick up her check n stuff n nothing relaly special. then we went to walmart, that was a journey of its own. im getting ready to go outside to tget a tan because it is really nice outside but i kinda dont feel like getting all sweaty but then again i usually do so yeah... i dunno..
anyways'
later mommy is taking me to some beach store to look for the swimsuit i want. i want something in the brown family with pink or yellow or something elsee on it. who knows? i hpe i can get what i want because that would be spiffy!
lets see.. tomorro is easter and im going to eat like a frickin cow! its gunna be great!!! ill actually get to gain weight! libby is coming next weekene. so yeah on next saturday ill be in orlando with her and a bunch of other eople from greensburgh salem. i cant wait to go like amy and libby n mary n leah n stephen n the other steven n yeah people that ive known for almost forever (kindergarden on)
i think im done rambling except i can never ramble about how much i love michael too much!
~always
Lauraina (my momma calls me that)
::
2004 9 April :: 11.51am
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: i can only imagine
Hi. ilove michael1! hes at work riite now wiht his dad. i miite be able to go to the movies with him tonight. i love him to pieces. hes my world!!
look what this nice person said...
@ 04-09-04 12:23am
damn u people talk way 2 much shit, ya shouldent threaten lauren, and she has plenty of friends, if I ever found out something happend and she got killed as a result of it, u can bet your ass I'll avenge her death, I'm glad u are happy now ur new bf seems nice,
i like people like that, that. kk im done! im on michaels sn riite now! lol his frined thinks its him trying to be me....but it hoenslt is me lol!! sorry michael! this is kinda fun!
I LOVE YOU TO PIECES
MUAH
~Laur
oh wait these are the kinda poeple that RAELLY ruin my day
TasteZLykEKandY: hey
TasteZLykECherrY: hi
TasteZLykEKandY: y the fuck do u have the same s/n as me
TasteZLykECherrY: um what
TasteZLykECherrY: how long have i had this?
TasteZLykECherrY: im sooo def. not in the mood to fiite
TasteZLykECherrY: so bye.
TasteZLykEKandY: u fuckin stole my fuckin s.n and ppl fuckin think that i copied u
TasteZLykEKandY: no fuck u whore
TasteZLykEKandY: go bang another one
TasteZLykEKandY: I'm NoT a HoE
I Jus KnO HoW 2 GiVe It
I'M NoT A SLut
I JUst KnOw How 2 HIt it!°x
TasteZLykEKandY: that needs some work done to it.. allow me to make the changes
TasteZLykEKandY: I'm a HoE
I Jus KnO HoW 2 GiVe head
I'M A Big SLut
I JUst KnOw How 2 have sex wit a whole bunch of guys/prolly grls too!°x
TasteZLykEKandY: ya fuck u get a new s/n whore!
TasteZLykEKandY: u kno y michaels dating u right...
TasteZLykEKandY: CUZ HE CAN GET SOME CUZ HE KNOWS UR A WHORE