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I reach for the bottle and disappear

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:: 2007 6 October :: 9.42 am

This is why I fucking hate getting close to people, all that ever happens is that you get hurt, you should never invest your emotions in anyone but yourself, because they'll just treat your feelings like a toy, and toys always end up broken.

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:: 2007 6 October :: 8.37 am

I see why they call it a broken heart, it actually hurts, it feels like someone just reached in there and squeezed my heart until it popped.

It's just so hard knowing that your biggest reason for waking up in the morning doesn't even seem to give a shit about how her actions make you feel.

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:: 2007 25 September :: 7.37 pm

I did painful things today....

http://a139.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/109/l_ff746343b172b5be46ab75fb2d3a994a.jpg

http://a141.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/120/l_1ffd1e6424edc8eceeed985ae7bb671c.jpg

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:: 2007 19 September :: 11.25 pm

I should try forming a serious relationship, everyone else does it these days, I should too.

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:: 2007 16 September :: 9.01 pm

"I Won't Ever Be Happy Again"

Well morning came
And it dressed the sky
In a lovely yellow gown
Now the shops they are
All opening
In that narrow hallway of downtown
Filled with people who
Are shopping for
Their lovers and their friends
So they won't ever be lonely again
Well a forest fenced
becomes backyards
Like songs are born from sound
And the apple fell
And it taught us all
We are chained here to the ground
So here we go
But there ain't no escape
Yeah, these streets they're just dead ends
So I won't ever be happy again
Well, it seems you too
See a painful blue
When you stare into the sky
You could never understand
The motion of a hand waving you goodbye
"Bye bye"
But as the story goes
or it is often told
A new day will arise
And all the dance halls will
Be full of skeletons
That are coming back to life
And on a grassy hill
the lion will
lay down with the lamb
And I won't ever be lonely again
No, no, no, no, no
But until that time
I think I had better find
some disbelief to suspend
Cause I don't want to feel like this again

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:: 2007 11 September :: 11.01 pm

Sometimes I want to just leave.

Not even tell anybody, just go to the bus station early one morning, but a ticket to somewhere far away, and never come back.

It's probably a good thing I don't have a job, I'm just impetuous enough to do it one of these days.

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:: 2007 23 August :: 4.57 pm

I've got some hardcore circles under my eyes.

http://a21.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/111/l_09ca3e426d963fff7c6f306e4700501c.png

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:: 2007 6 July :: 9.14 pm

Why do people get so mad when I lump modern religions and ancient mythology into the same group, I mean, there's no real difference, it's just made up bullshit people believe so they can ignore the fact they really don't know that much about the universe.

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:: 2007 30 June :: 1.48 pm

I made my first youtube video =)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r1SeyA7xJn8

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:: 2007 13 June :: 11.02 pm

Gray light, new day leaks through the window
An old soul song comes on the alarm clock radio
We walk the forty blocks to the middle
Of the place we heard that everything would be
And there were barricades to keep us off the street
But the crowd kept pushing forward
Till they swallowed the police
Ya they went wild

We left before the dust had time to settle
Now all the broken glass swept off the avenue
And on the way home held your camera like a bible
Just wishing so bad that it held some kind of truth
And I stood nervous next to you in the dark room
You dropped the paper in the water
And it all begins to bloom
Ya they go wild

And just when I get so lonesome I cant speak
I see some flowers on the hillside
Like a wall of new TVs
Ya they go wild

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:: 2007 9 June :: 10.03 pm

http://media.putfile.com/Landlocked-Blues-91

Don't make too much fun of it, it was my first time singing the song.

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:: 2007 6 June :: 10.50 pm

Gray light, new day leaks through the window
An old soul song comes on the alarm clock radio
We walk the forty blocks to the middle
Of the place we heard that everything would be
And there were barricades to keep us off the street
But the crowd kept pushing forward
Till they swallowed the police
Ya they went wild

We left before the dust had time to settle
Now all the broken glass swept off the avenue
And on the way home held your camera like a bible
Just wishing so bad that it held some kind of truth
And I stood nervous next to you in the dark room
You dropped the paper in the water
And it all begins to bloom
Ya they go wild

And just when I get so lonesome I cant speak
I see some flowers on the hillside
Like a wall of new TVs
Ya they go wild

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:: 2007 2 June :: 8.51 pm

I got a second 19" monitor.

http://img58.imageshack.us/img58/5541/awesomefb3.jpg

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:: 2007 31 May :: 9.04 pm

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:: 2007 28 May :: 10.21 pm

http://img292.imageshack.us/img292/8268/31169123991235412394123rx4.png

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:: 2007 16 May :: 6.20 pm

The sun came up with no conclusion
Flowers sleeping in their beds
This city's cemetery's humming
I'm wide-awake, it's morning

I have my drugs, I have my woman
They keep away my loneliness
My parents have they have their religion
But sleep in separate houses

I read the body count out of the paper
And now it's written all over my face
No one ever plans to sleep out in the gutter
Sometimes that's just the most comfortable place

So I'm drinking, breathing, writing, singing
Everyday I'm on the clock
My mind races with all my longings
But cant keep up with what I got

I hope I don't sound too ungrateful
What history gave modern man
A telephone to talk to strangers
Machine guns and a camera lens

So when you're asked to fight a war that's over nothing
It's best to join the side that's gonna win
And no one's sure how all of this got started
But we're gonna make them goddam certain how its gonna end
Oh ya we will, oh ya we will!

Well I could have been a famous singer
If I had someone else's voice
But failure's always sounded better
Lets fuck it up boys, make some noise!

The sun came up with no conclusion
Flowers sleeping in their beds
This city's cemetery's humming
I'm wide-awake, it's morning

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:: 2007 14 May :: 9.01 pm

Sometimes a life of alcoholism and drug abuse just looks so much more glamorous.

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:: 2007 9 May :: 8.55 pm

So there was this woman and she was on an airplane, and she was flying to meet her fiance seaming high above the largest ocean on planet earth. She was seated next to this man she had tried to start conversations, but the only thing she had really heard him say was to order his Bloody Mary. She was sitting there and she was reading this really arduous magazine article about a third world country that she couldn't even pronounce the name of. And she was feeling very bored and despondent. And then suddenly there was this huge mechanical failure and one of the engines gave out, and they started just falling thirty-thousand feet, and the pilots on the microphone and he's saying "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, oh my god... I'm sorry" and apologizing. And she looks at the man and says "Where are we going?" and he looks at her and he says "We're going to a party. It's a birthday party. It's your birthday party. Happy birthday darling. We love you very, very, very, very, very, very, very much." And then he starts humming this little tune, it kind of goes like this: 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4

We must talk in every telephone
Get eaten off the web
We must rip out all the epilogues in the books that we have read
And in the face of every criminal
Strapped firmly to a chair
We must stare, we must stare, we must stare

We must take all of the medicines too expensive now to sell
Set fire to the preacher who is promising us hell
And in the ear of every anarchist that sleeps but doesn't dream
We must sing, we must sing, we must sing

It'll go like this:

While my mother waters plants
My father loads his guns
He says death will give us back to God
Just like this setting sun is returned to this lonesome ocean

And then they splashed into the deep blue sea
It was a wonderful splash

We must blend into the choir
Sing as static with the whole
We must memorize nine numbers and deny we have a soul
And in this endless race for property and privilege to be won
We must run, we must run, we must run

We must hang up in the belfry
Where the bats and moonlight laugh
We must stare into a crystal ball and only see the past
And in the caverns of tomorrow
With just our flashlights and our love
We must plunge, we must plunge, we must plunge

And then we'll get down there, way down to the very bottom of everything
And then we'll see it, oh we'll see it, we'll see it, we'll see it

Oh my morning's coming back
The whole world's waking up
All the city buses swimming past
I'm happy just because
I found out I am really no one

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:: 2007 6 May :: 8.17 am

Well, I finally figured out a realistic future for myself that I would enjoy.

Go to college, major in Japanese, go teach English in Japan for the rest of my life.

If I decided to come back to America, I could easily come teach Japanese =)

If nothing else I'd be a lot happier in a country of 130mil where only 1.4mil are christians.

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:: 2007 3 May :: 8.41 pm

If you wonder why I always post song lyrics, it's because I lack the poetic ability to describe my own feelings properly.


i spent a week drinking the sunlight of winnetka, california
where they understand the weight of human hearts
you see sorrow gets too heavy and joy it tends to hold you
with the fear that it eventually departs.
and the truth is i've been dreaming of some tired, tranquil place
where the weather won't get trapped inside my bones
and if all the years of searching find one sympathetic face
then its there i will plant these seeds and make my home
i spent a day dreaming of dying in mesa, arizona
where all the green of life had turned to ash
and i felt i was on fire, with the things i could have told you
i just assumed that you eventually would ask
and i wouldn't have to bring up my so badly broken heart
and all those months i just wanted to sleep
and though spring, it did come slowly, i guess it did its part
my heart has thawed and continues to beat
i visited my brother on the outskirts of olympia
where the forest and the water become one
and we talked about our childhood, like a dream we were convinced of, that
perfect peaceful street where we came from
and i know he heard me strumming all those sad and simple chords
as i sat inside my room so long ago
and it hurts that he's still shaking from those secrets that were told by a
car closed up too tight and a heart turned cold
and i went to san diego
the birthplace of the summer
and watched the ocean dance under the moon
and there was a girl i knew there, one more potential lover
i guess that something's got to happen soon
because i know i can't keep living in this dead or dying dream
and as i walked along the beach and drank with her
i thought about my true love, the one i really need
with eyes that burn so bright, they make me pure
they make me pure
they make me pure
i long to be with you
they make me pure
they make me pure
i long to be with you

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:: 2007 17 April :: 9.31 pm



I'm Jen's Bitch.

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:: 2007 12 April :: 7.42 pm



Take me out tonight
Where theres music and theres people
And theyre young and alive
Driving in your car
I never never want to go home
Because I havent got one
Anymore

Take me out tonight
Because I want to see people and i
Want to see life
Driving in your car
Oh, please dont drop me home
Because its not my home, its their
Home, and Im welcome no more

And if a double-decker bus
Crashes into us
To die by your side
Is such a heavenly way to die
And if a ten-ton truck
Kills the both of us
To die by your side
Well, the pleasure - the privilege is mine

Take me out tonight
Take me anywhere, I dont care
I dont care, I dont care
And in the darkened underpass
I thought oh god, my chance has come at last
(but then a strange fear gripped me and i
Just couldnt ask)

Take me out tonight
Oh, take me anywhere, I dont care
I dont care, I dont care
Driving in your car
I never never want to go home
Because I havent got one, da ...
Oh, I havent got one

And if a double-decker bus
Crashes into us
To die by your side
Is such a heavenly way to die
And if a ten-ton truck
Kills the both of us
To die by your side
Well, the pleasure - the privilege is mine

Oh, there is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out

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:: 2007 11 April :: 9.27 pm

You are so self-centered, the entire fucking world revolves around you.

I mean, I love you, but you need to get the fuck over yourself.

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:: 2007 11 April :: 7.53 pm

"The City Has Sex"

the city has sex with itself i suppose
as the concrete collides, the scenery grows
and the lonely once bandaged lay fully exposed
having undressed their wounds for each other
and there is a boy in a basement with a four track machine
he's been strumming and screaming all night, down there
the tape hiss will cover the words that he sings
but then they say it's better to bury your sadness
in a graveyard or garden that waits for the spring to awake from its sleep
and burst into green
and i've cried and you would think i would be better for it
but the sadness just sleeps and it stays in your spine
for the rest of my life
and i've learned and you'd think i'd be something more now,
but it just goes to show it is not what you know
its what you were thinking at the time.
this feeling's familiar, i've been here before
in a kitchen this quiet i waited for a sign or just something
that might reassure me of anything close to meaning or motion
(with a reason to move)
i need something i want to be close to
and i scream, but i still don't know why i do it
because the sound never stays it just swells and decays
so what is the point?
why try to fight what is now so certain?
the truth is all that i am is a passing event that will be forgotten.

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:: 2007 8 April :: 8.50 pm

we'll never have to listen to anyone
about anything
cause it's all been done
and it's all been said
we're the coolest kids and we take what we can get

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:: 2007 6 April :: 9.46 pm

i dreamt of a fever,
one that would cure me of this cold, winter set heart.
with heat to melt these frozen tears and burned with reasons
as to carry on.
into these twisted months i plunge without a light to follow
but i swear that i would follow anything
if it would just get me out of here.
and so you get six months to adapt
and then you get two more to leave town.
in the event that you do adapt we still might not want you around.
and i fell for the promise of a life with a purpose
but i know that that is impossible now.
and so i drink to stay warm
and to kill selected memories

because i just can't think anymore about that or about her tonight
i give myself three days to feel better
or i swear i'll drive right off a fucking cliff
because if i can't make myself feel better
then how can i expect anyone else to give a shit
and i scream for the sunlight or a car to take me anywhere
just get me past this dead and eternal snow
because i swear that i am dying, slowly but its happening
and if the perfect spring is waiting somewhere
just take me there and lie to me and say it's going to be alright
its going to be alright, yeah you worry too much kid,
its going to be alright.

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:: 2007 28 March :: 10.03 pm

I just feel like everything's passing me by, like I'm not really here, I feel so empty.

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:: 2007 25 March :: 3.52 pm

I know I say that I'm just fine, but I hope you wonder from time to time.

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:: 2007 25 March :: 10.30 am

I'm so full of love it deeply sickens me.

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:: 2007 19 March :: 1.22 pm


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