blueyed
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2005 17 July :: 2.03am
Wow... I'm 18.
The age I'll be telling countless people in the year to come.
What do I want this year to be like, and then I thought of my dad and I's conversation over breakfast this morning. I want to be in control.
I think it's quite possible I lack control in the past year, it's been grand- but it's been a ride, a movie.
Time to make my life mine, and take control.
This year is about control, me, being good to myself and working with myself to achieve things that'll make me happy.
Not to be selfish, I'm always kind to others which is my nature- but this year has to be about making my life more about myself.
Looking at things differently mini- max, think about everything as if it were to my advantage than go from there. i.e. i'm invisible ( depression) Or i'm invisible ( no one can see me attack HAH ).
It's strange how my least favorite Weezer album ( Maladroit) seemed to parallel this past year tonight in the car).
"yo everyone, everyone, everyone I know- take control".
Next year I will have relationships
I will party
I will do exceptionally well in school
I will miss South Florida but not too much
I will let pain go, let it subside
I will be HOT
I will meet many interesting people, make valuable friends, yet be cautious with my person
I will work on being sensitive and temperental- and the ways in which I deal with these things
I will produce- not let my creative nature go to waste
I will think outside the box, not be a one dimensional person
I will speak louder as to be heard
I will take center stage
I deserve things
I will keep my eye on the prize
I will keep it as honest as I can
I will maintain good physical fitness
I will be happy
I will be happy
I will be happy
I will be exciting
and nothing is going to keep me down. boo fucking ya
I will start to curse more.
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blueyed
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2005 11 July :: 9.09pm
marriage is moderation
moderation is making a good thing last forever, in small dosages
extremes are immature
its imporant to experience this when one is younger, in order to " get it out off your system", understand it, but see why moderation is eternally better.
so feeling goes on, and doesnt happen all at once.
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blueyed
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2005 28 June :: 9.58pm
both deeply in disguise
biggest fear=
not death, not heartache, not great pain or agony. not financial debt.
but being forgotten.
[my own special selfish way].
people like you make me want to just forget about the world and run the complete opposite direction as far as i possibly could.
today i just wanted to waste away. oh sara, foolish foolish sara.
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blueyed
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2005 25 May :: 12.23pm
last night was one of the best nights of my entire life.
things don't come full circle, they spiral. we'll live forever. we'll never die.
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blueyed
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2005 16 May :: 1.53pm
i have to take the plunge in the middle of the ocean
in order to learn
to breathe underwater
1 obsession |
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blueyed
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2005 25 April :: 11.43pm
I saw in your bedroom, the drawers had been emptied. Looking for answers but you won't admit it now. You don't need a reason, that's what you tell me but I still don't buy it. You drink yourself silly night after night.
It makes me feel so good to always tell you when you're wrong. The big man that I am to always have to put you down, put you down.
Then there's your girlfriend, she opens her legs and gives your life meaning. Is that what you love her for? The angel is always looking down, he's perfect without frown, the bully always wins.
It makes me feel so good to always tell you when you're wrong. The big man that I am to always have to put you down, put you down.
It makes me feel so good to always tell you when you're wrong. The big man that I am to always have to put you down. It makes we look so good to always put you in your place. I can write it in a song but never say it to your face, to your face.
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blueyed
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2005 14 April :: 5.52pm
remember how happy we were a minute ago?
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blueyed
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2005 11 April :: 3.26pm
mirror mirror come look at me
show me something i can't believe
and your face becomes decentralized
with your incessant sighs
your fortuitous eyes
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blueyed
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2005 19 February :: 3.02am
"all i'm saying is that you have an awfully convienent memory".
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blueyed
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2005 22 January :: 2.06am
I wasn't kidding
So I tried to find
you.
Cause I needed to feel
you.
Cause I needed something
To distract me from the nothing
An image to pass the time
Arms to warm my mind
All I have to do is rewind
But to my dismay I see
broken tracks right behind me
and I can't get back as much as I try
I don't even have the means to cry
It was out of haste, out of anger
I submerged you in the ocean somewhere
So you couldn't bother me
Your voice I just couldn't bare
I thought it was a clever place
To hide you for sometime
So that I might heal and be strong
Yet to myself, this was a crime
My strength is here, yet I still feel weak
Caught in the direction which I turned my cheek
I dove under cause I needed to find your face
and to my disgrace
you had passed away
gone
and it became me
who was wrong.
now i can't even feel pain
i don't react to the sound of your name
and i want to thats the thing
besides choked up tears you made me sing
and i felt hard
breathed hard
slept hard because you
now its easy.
now its easy?
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blueyed
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2004 29 December :: 10.47am
News Years Slogan-WINGS NOT STRINGS 05'.
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blueyed
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2004 16 December :: 12.32pm
I took a chance to make things better and ended up drowning in a wishing well.
Sometimes in the morning I am petrified and can't move
Awake but cannot open my eyes
And the weight is crushing down on my lungs
I know I can't breathe
And hope someone will save me this time
And your mother's still calling you insane and high
Swearing it's different this time
And you tell her to give in to the demons that possess her
And that god never blessed her insides
Then you hang up the phone and feel badly for upsetting things
And crawl back into bed to dream of a time
When your heart was open wide and you love things just because
Like the sick and dying
And sometimes when you're on
You're really fucking on
And your friends they sing along
And they love you
But the lows are so extreme
That the good seems fucking cheap
And it teases you for weeks in its absence
But you'll fight and you'll make it through
You'll fake it if you have to
And you'll show up for work with a smile
And you'll be better
You'll be smarter
More grown up and a better daughter or son
And a real good friend
And you'll be awake
You'll be alert
You'll be positive though it hurts
And you'll laugh and embrace all of your friends
And you'll be a real good listener
You'll be honest
You'll be brave
You'll be handsome and you'll be beautiful
You'll be happy
Your ship may be coming in
You're weak but not giving in
To the cries and the wails of the valley below
Your ship may be coming in
You're weak but not giving in
And you'll fight it you'll go out fighting all of them
Thankyou Sarah. I'm gonna take this to heart. I'll try, I will.
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blueyed
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2004 12 December :: 8.18am
"a defect within the human heart"
"The life of this world is but comfort of illusion"
For to be free is not merely to cast off one's chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the lives of others."
- Nelson Mandela
Remember: no matter where you go, there you are."
- from the movie BUCKAROO BANZAI
"When we all remember we are mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained."
- Mark Twain
"One man's rut is another man's groove."
- Frank E. Bailey
"Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster, and if ye gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you."
- F.W. Nietzsche
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blueyed
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2004 7 December :: 9.32pm
I've got a bad feeling about this.
Be strong. Be strong. Don't be upset. There's no reason. Can't change the world, can't be in charge of anyone. You're great, you're on your way, you have a clear head for the most part. take it easy. i'll just feel free.
don't be blindsided, at least you were warned. don't be blindsided.
1 obsession |
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blueyed
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2004 6 December :: 1.24am
"everything as its always been, this never happened,
don't take it too bad, it's nothing you did.
just once something dies, you can't make it live.
you're a beautiful boy, you're a sweet little kid. "
the system said there were no realistic alteranatives.
"There's no science in letting go
Your heart is just another road
Another place where I can't go."
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