2012 7 April :: 4.03pm
:: Mood: melancholy
I hold a cup of green tea in my hands. The warmth stimulates my palms, sends goosebumps up and down my arms. I hover into the warmth, over this little soure of heat. It makes me feel. Lets me know im still here. It creates a moment of silence in my life. In the shower, I scratch my skin and let the scalding water burn across the pink lines. That same tingling sensation. I like it. It comforts me and leaves no questioning marks. It is pain and I delve in every second of it.
I know everyone wants me to give up. I know everyone says Ill be better soon. I know everyone thinks that I will reflect upon this time and be like, what was I thinking. But I have my doubts. I dont give up. I dont abandon my dreams. I dont allow let people tell me I cant do something. Thats what drives me. Thats what forces me to reach beyond what others do. I cant be stopped. I cant be told no. I wont accept it. Thats why this is soooo hard. So hard to let go of something I fought so hard for. So hard to give up on something that made happy. So hard. So hard. And Im sorry. Not only am I letting you all down, I am letting myself down.
I feel so foolish. Foolish to waste my time with something. Foolish to still be hung up on this. Foolish to believe that what was felt was real. That someone would actually have me in their thoughts from the moment they woke up until they fell asleep. Someone would make me feel the way I did. That I could connect so strongly and quickly to another. I refuse to believe its done. I refuse to believe he has nothing left. I refuse to believe it was all for naught. Thats where the foolish part comes in. This is where I am dumb beyond reason. I think its because he has parts of me that I never really gave to another. He has pieces of me and now they are left in unstable hands.
Cant break me down | bury me bury me | I am finished with you you you you | Look in my eyes | youre killing me killing me | all I wanted was you | Cant break me down break me down
I keep thinking about how I messed it all up. I fucked everything up beyond fixable. It is all my fault. I destroyed my own happiness. And I am only making it worse when I try to make it better. I have no one to blame but myself. I allowed someone to see how emotionally unstable I am. I allowed someone to see the worst side of me. I allowed him to see my scars and my stress that I never share with anyone. There would be nights when I would go to parties with him. He would make me so nervous so I would drink more than I normally do to deal with it. Then A started insisting he take her to the parties. So he would bring her. I would watch the two together. Watch as she would cuddle close to him. Watch as she hugged him or ran her fingers through his hair. Then I would get jealous. I would get frustrated. I would get angry. Angry at him. At her. At myself for believing him. I would hate the situation I put myself in. I would text him.
This was the time when my life was falling apart. My fiance and I were done. I had to move out of my apartment and back with my rents. I had quit my job to move to MD and I was no longer moving to MD but staying in PA. I had no money. My car died. I had stress from my parents, my ex, the loan company... I felt hopeless, alone, angry that my life was unraveling before my very eyes. Now, I had debated my relationship with my ex before I met R, but R helped me affirm what I knew inside. He brought it to the surface, it was always inside me. However, he is still part responsible for my relationship ending. And for him to keep me a secret, not leave A and to have to ignore him in public was just too much stress. I took it out on him. I did. I admit it. And I know that is not the way you treat someone you care about. And for that I am beyond wrong.
I would say things like I was better than her. I could do X, Y, & Z better than she and he knew it. I would tell him how frustrated I was to like someone who didnt like me [even though he did, I wouldnt believe it] I would be torn since I knew what we were doing was wrong; he had his girlfriend therefore he shouldnt have me as well. Society told me to cut it off then and there, in the heat of everything and I couldnt. That was the the right move. It was. I was torn because people were telling me to tell A and I wasnt sure if I could.It was a lot of pressure and I broke under it. I completely fell apart, I am still picking up pieces. I did stupid things. I am still doing stupid things. And I am mad at myself for doing this.
I think what most people dont understand is that he was the first thing I did for me. I spent my entire life giving myself to others. I spent my entire college career being involved and helping others and giving myself to everyone. I stretched myself thin on many occasions, but I was addicted to the rush of being busy and ignoring myself. I wanted to forget myself, so I threw myself into everything and anything... leaving every minute of the day planned. I didnt sleep much and I was fine with that.
After college, I spent the year and a half maintaining a house, raising a puppy and a kitty, trying to mold myself into the perfect wife. The wife that would sit at home all day, cleaning, cooking, and entertaining her husband. I kept giving myself to my ex, hoping he would keep me happy and I would be content. But I wasnt. I was just putting a circle through the square hole. Yes it fits, and yes it goes through, but it doesnt fit perfectly. Then when I met R. I was selfish. The one time in my life, I was selfish. I did something for me. I did something that made me fully happy. A simple text, made my face light up. I guess thats what I did wrong. I did something for me. What did I learn? I cannot have something for me. I cannot be selfish. I cannot have him. He is the one person that made me feel safe. When he hugs me, I feel so safe in his arms. It seriously is the best feeling. Truly, I have never felt the way I did before as I did with him. And I am told that I will feel that way with someone else, but I dont want to. I want him.
I am too stubborn for my own good. Too ignorant to see the truth. I am foolish. But I think I want to be foolish. I dont want to give up. I will not text him. I will not contact him. I will not like his statuses. I will not go north to his college. I will not see him privately. I am ok with that. But I will not give him up. Maybe we just met at the wrong time. Maybe we are meant for another time in our lives. Maybe we just arent ready for each other. Maybe space and time is the only thing to heal us. I just want to fix everything. Im a fixer. But I am going to do the hardest thing I have ever done.
L e t g o. But I wont give up