I'm not like you..... I can't handle this...
Angels. Where are the angels? If I were an angel I would not be on Earth. Stripped of wings? Removed of innocence. Punished. The angel placed among men.

Stories sprout from seeds of negativity.




Tomorrow will just be another yesterday two days from now.

or

Two days from now, tomorrow will be just another yesterday.


Which sounds better?



Yes, that's three posts in one day.

I've very select feelings about what I want to do today.



I....... I don't know who I am. Was it strength? Sheer power of will? Determination?

Backstab myself.

what being is able to follow my circular speech and still make sense of it? still know where it's going and where I was running away from? fear.
I've the urge to update.... because it's late and I absolutely need sleep and haven't looked one bit at math.
Yayness!
I also have the urge to write.. but nothing to really write... ARGH! I know what I'm waiting for.


Today..... today.

I had... 6 hours of sleep in the last 2 days...


Had a spanish quiz. No lunch since I was setting up for and freaking out over my oral. Had me TOK oral presenation.. which lasted the whole class period. It was on Gun Control with Kristen H and Josie. Lauren, I love you for letting me borrow that movie. So awesome!! Definite props. Lasted well over our half hour minimum... so I couldn't study for........ the chem pop test that decides my grade in that class and that she moved up from next week just to get back immaturely at the kids who skipped after the AP history exam.

Yeah, there we go. An example of being selfish and taking a mental health period. Last time she was mad we hadn't skipped, making her teach. Nearly encouraging us to leave. And now she's pissed off because only like 3 kids went to her chem class last Friday. It was worth it, damnit, to skip the first period ever in my life.
But see? This is what happens when I'm selfish. I get screwed. She even gave out new notes on Friday. Danny didn't even know about the test. So mad at myself for forgetting to IM him. *Kicks self*


Practice... tense moments.. but I think it was all in my head. Happy moments.. brief but fun. Love how we never really play..... yeah.
And we're playing these songs... thursday?? Nice.


Took a two hour nap. Didn't help. Least mom finally went and bought food. I really wasn't doing well missing the past few nights's dinners.


I need to go find and buy a dress for Banquet. Who wants to bet I'll do that Friday?


Umm.. hmm... Sleepiness..

What is it I wait for?
Do I really know..? Or is it just what I tell myself so I'm not completely lost?


I really miss roleplaying right now..


And guys suck. Majorly. All of them.

10 The Age of Jackson, 1824-1840 The era that saw the emergence of popular politics in the 1820s and the presidency of...
ANDY!!!!
I'M FREAKING OUT ABOUT MY JOURNAL NAME NOT BEING ON YOUR SAFETY LIST!!!!!!


You should've gotten the letter by now... You better have it by tomorrow....... or I'll have to open up a Paypal account and pay for them that way.

"The squeaky wheel get's the grease." ~Mr. Gilbert
I can't remember what I was going to write. I've been trying to get myself to go study history.. but things came up.

Kinda crashed a few times. Completely poured out myself to a girl I only met a few days ago. Told her lots of things.. but nothing that would connect me.

I am so very confused. I can't handle this. This control. This confusion. This chaos. Both roads.. they'll hurt me. But.. which one is extended pain? What can I risk... What am I willing to lose? To give up? How many times will I kill myself..

I was so going to post one of my new stories here.... but I was talking to her... and she sent me this poem. And now I think I'll cry.

I won't let myself understand, ya know? I honestly will not let myself see something, comprehend something, etc. There is no light.

This is not my story. I claim no rights to it.



The Giver was alone, and the Gift unused: the Giver felt lonely, and sought to find someone worthy of the Gift.

The Rebel came along and saw the Gift the Giver possessed, and desired the Gift for himself. Rather than ask the Giver for the Gift, or ask what the Giver wanted for the Gift, the Rebel decided that social rules did not apply to him, and simply said "Give me the gift."

The Giver knew that the Gift was fragile and would be destroyed if mistreated, and did not trust the Rebel; for how many of those who are impolite are also delicate? But the Giver did not wish to offend, and so said to the Rebel "I am sorry, but this Gift is for someone else."

The Rebel grew angry and blustered "But I deserve the Gift. I am special and I deserve that things be given to me."

The Giver, glad to have trusted her first instinct, merely repeated: "I am sorry, but this Gift is for someone else."

And the Rebel, still complaining, went his way.

The Giver sat under a willow tree, contemplating the Gift and wondering about the qualities needed to really appreciate the Gift; as she was sitting there the sun and the breeze and the sound of the creek below lulled her into a doze.

The Thief, who had overheard the Rebel and the Giver, was waiting for just this moment. Dashing out from behind a nearby bush, he made a grab for the Gift; grasping it he started to run away.

However, the Giver was awakened by this and reached out to stop the Thief. "Give that back!" cried the Giver. "It is not yours! You have no right!" So saying, she reached out, trying to retrieve the Gift.

The Thief said "I do not care if it was not mine, I have possession of it so it is now my property." And so saying, he pulled again at the Gift, hoping to wrench it from the Giver.

In the ensuing struggle, the Gift was fouled, battered, and broken. The Thief, deciding he did not want a damaged Gift, finally let go and said "You keep it; it is now worthless."

The Giver cried at the state of the Gift, which she had hoped to find someone worthy of; it was dirty, pieces were missing and scattered in the grass around her, and the intact parts were bent and dented. She began to believe the Thief's assessment of the Gift: perhaps it no longer mattered who it belonged to, worthless as it was.

But then she noticed that her tears made clean streaks on the Gift as they fell, and she thought that perhaps if some of it could be cleaned, all of it could; perhaps she could make her Gift have worth once again. She took the Gift and its broken pieces to the creek, where she began to wash them.

The Gift was easy to clean, but in trying to wash the pieces that had been broken from it, the Giver lost one. She began to lose hope again. Yet she was still determined to try to repair the Gift.

Hours passed as she fit pieces back together where they would stay. Some pieces she could not make stay, however. From behind her came a voice: "Perhaps this Glue could help you mend your Gift." She turned to see a Stranger, holding a small tube of Glue. She took the Glue and thanked the Stranger, then finished repairing her Gift with the Stranger's Glue.

When she turned to give the Glue back to the Stranger, he was gone. She thought to herself that this Stranger had thought her Gift worthy enough to donate his Glue, and not even demand payment, nor even ask for the Glue to be returned. Perhaps her Gift had worth after all.

And as she sat and contemplated her Gift, she realized that the Stranger was the type of person who would neither ask nor demand a Gift, nor would he take, but rather he would give. And she thought to herself that the Stranger was a Giver too. And who better to appreciate a Gift but a Giver?

So she sought out the Stranger, and when she found him, she tried to return the Glue to him. He thanked her, but said that she should keep the Glue, in case the Gift should break again.

And the Giver said "In that case, you should accept the Glue, for I wish to give the Gift to you." And so saying, she placed the Gift in the Stranger's hands.

The Stranger looked at the Gift, and said "This is too precious; I do not know if I can take care of this Gift." The Giver said "I believe that you can, and I will stay with you and help you care for the Gift when you falter."

So the Stranger and the Giver took the Gift together, sharing in it and sharing it, and held it as an example for all to see.




Yeah... I am so freaking lost it's rediculous.

Back Through The Ages. Hoorah for the Uber Personal.
Today is a day of realizations. Or was anyway..

Took the SATs today. I had some periods of complete clarity.. it was great. I could zoom through questions. Then a stupid thought would hit me and my mind would get all fuzzy again.
I think I did better than last time.. Hope anyway.
Kyu was in my room.. but she seemed.. quiet towards me.. probably just cause it was early and stressful.. yes.

Then I had to drive around for Gulfstream Park. Then try and get a parking spot. One hour. I was so tired and not feeling well I just decided to go home.

I.. was doing okay on the way home.. Kinda trying to stay awake while driving.. thinking about changing the music.. then I took Atlantic to get to Federal from AIA... and the bridge was up. So I stopped behind this little black Passat and saw this decal on the back window. Upon closer look I could see what it was... IAFF. I got so sick..

And I was thinking about it.. while trying to avoid looking ahead of me and praying the bridge went down faster.. and I'm like..... why haven't I just sat and cried? Hey, why haven't I cried many times? What have I not comprehended...? What hasn't sunk in..
But that wasn't it.. it was what wouldn't I let myself realize and face.

I lie to myself.. it's quite funny. The way I played this one off... even I'm impressed. But.. the facade's shattered a good number of times even in such a short time.. Too many emotions to keep back. I lie.. to escape reality. As Erik has put it when I asked him his opinion.. because it's easier.

Then I wondered why I can not stand it when others lie to me. I guessed it was they were thus able to hide things from me.. they could 'pull one over on me,' could deceive me in that so what else did they deceive me in? Erik said it was because I hated it when they did it because I hate myself first, hate how I am.

The one thing that I cannot get over.. that one tiny fracture across the facade's lips.. is that he lied to me. Not about those things.. those things people know about.. but about that thing. I asked him if there was anything he didn't tell me about that Saturday. He swore there wasn't.. said no several times.. flat out.. Swore no all the way up to when I told him what I knew later on.. then he said he lied. The world crashed down and emotions broke through.. broke through for a while before I could catch them then forget what had happened.

With lying goes trust.. and.. I don't understand it.
Denver sent me something that required the pushing of F2. I couldn't remember which one shut down the program you were in.. so I was afraid to do it. I'm pretty sure he'd never send me something like that.... but see? Not definitely sure. I bet he was hurt by that.. [It was some little profile thing that said 'click and push F2 between the 2 stars' and it would open up and show a cute little text about being nice or something.. but my AOL didn't hide the text.]
I... don't trust.. people... damn.


Hooray for self-revealing solemn posts!

Now that I've had some revelations, which I am sure I'll have myself forget like I just forgot the last few hours, all of you must have some revelations today too. That way we can declare this day something.
And post them here! (Ha! Like you'd do that..)

Now.. my new question.. is why in the world did I post this here?
Do I want him to see it? He's told me he isn't going to read my journal anymore. Because I don't want you people to give up again? It doesn't matter any more.. does it? I don't know why I put this here..



Let's move back throught time now.


Friday~ 4/30/04

I was dead tired today.
Nearly fell asleep while driving.
History... what to say about history.. I'm scared.
Band was rather uneventful except for the minor brush-offs.

Fell asleep when I got home.. Dad got me up, I ate dinner, took a shower, checked up online, then went to bed.


Thursday~ 4/29/04

You know what pisses me off?
Being told I can't do something I have full rights in doing.

MAO. They told me I couldn't run. Me and Jeanna and a few others. Because of new rules enacted a week before the elections: Be in MAO 2 years, or have gone to all the competitions that year. Lucky me to have missed one for the SAT.
So me.. I ignored the situation for the entirity of Jeanna's debating it. She got a rude email. Mer fought some and got no where.
Last night, midnight I wrote an email petitioning my view. I'm rather proud of it, thought it may be a bit grandiose:

Lydia and other MAO Officers~

I contest the change in rules one week prior to elections. I'm sorry but they are uncalled for by any means due to the time in which they are initiated. I can rattle off my excuses for being in MAO for one year (lack of car and younger sister) as well as for not being able to attend all the competitions this year (SAT on the same morning) but you don't want to hear them (still I threw them in anyway ^.~).

I have not argued with the officers over this. Instead, I let others voice their opinions since I was so far taken aback and hurt by this initiation I was not about to go speak my mind and offend others. In response I've heard some reasoning for it: the undedicated members running for President and Vice President. Well.. if they're undedicated sophomores or freshmen.. they won't win anyway. Besides, President should be limited to a rising senior and Vice President open to only rising seniors and rising juniors in my opinion, with rising sophomores not allowed to run for anything without having gone to all of the competitions. People take the top two positions especially into account very heavily, I would not expect the people in math club to go about and vote for someone definitely not qualified.

The timing of these new rules.. absurd. One week before the elections you make it a rule that one cannot run without having been to all the competitions. That defies time and cannot work. If that rule had been in place prior to the competitions, then it would be in all fairness and I could easily accept it.

I have personally done my best to participate and be active in this club. I tried to help out if I could and learn whatever was needed, tried to adapt to the things not explained to me and worked on what I did not understand. I believe I have full right to be able to run for an office, especially that of a historian, and that the rules have no grounds in fairness to be able to count.

Again, I apologize for my lack of a quicker reply. And request reconsideration of these rules for those members dedicated and passionate enough to still wish to run for offices.

Thank you for your time,
~*~


That got passed around today. People liked it and I was happy. We get to lunch and they're pissed off and intend to not put my name on the ballot. I was calm.. write in ballots worked fine for me.. I had full right to run and would do so.
Got to the meeting.. and Jeanna had informed Mr. Power of the new rules. Seems it was the first time he'd heard of them. He lectured and yelled at the officers for like 20 minutes! I kinda felt bad.. for the officers that didn't do anything.
Well, then we were allowed to give our speeches. I got tongue-tied of course and my mind completely blanked. Joyous. Really.
Jeanna and the others got to run too.
The election voting though.. really made me upset. I didn't like who I was voting for and why I think. I dunno..
There'll be a lot of close calls.

But after the elections.. Michael stood up and addressed the club and officers, asking who had changed the rules. He was a bit too passionate.. too forceful.. but the club did have a right to be told and explained to... Well, they should've gone into it before the election.. so many speeches were done on the spot. And others like Wojcich (props to the yearbook for helping me spell that right, though I had to recheck it a couple times) wanted to run, but didn't realize they were allowed to until Michael said something.
It was a big scene.. with lots of drama.. but.. yeah.
Someone wasn't happy afterward.. at me. We argued about nothing for a while, agreeing pretty much.. I think they were mad at knowing we were fighting it earlier.

[And now I just read my email... and am really not happy. She's accused me of "discrimination" and having sent hate mail. So I sent it to the whole club. Whatever.]


I... couldn't focus this night. Trying to work on the math assessment and just... couldn't.

I blamed him. Still do..
Loss of apetite.
Lack of sleep.
Inability to focus.
Heart racing.


Ugh, I dunno what's up with me. My body's about to give out soon.. circulation I think is down... my arms or legs'll just start to hurt.. ugh.

So I owe Lauren a great deal. Still.. it took me the whole night. Natalia came on and we chatted a bit, wasted some time. She left to go sleep and lie to her parents to miss the first to classes. Go her.
But Kyo... Kyo never left me... he stayed with me for hours... cheering me up and tring to get me to focus and feel better.. I don't understand them.

So that was my third all-nighter ever. I was SO dead on friday.. rolled into saturday.. with the SATs.. it'll roll into sunday's cramming.. and then to the AP exam I'm sure.



My head hurts.. A lot of my body hurts.. but I think.. I think if I got passed all the lies and things... my heart would be in pieces and I wouldn't be able to do any of the things I can already just barely do.



Oh, and I got a hold of the MSPP (TCG) for 600K (though it was stolen from another guild and sold to me...) So Lauren if you want that 'Evil' avatar or if you want it on another name Amanda, let me know.

who to leave the blame to... I'll take the blame onto myself..
I was going to post my story... but it was too depressive...

So then I tried to wait for a happy moment so I could post something non-depressive.. but it never happened..


So now I post this that Denver just sent me. He wrote this for me of me, today in class. Sudden inspiration.

Titled Denver.
Dated 4/29/04

'other then that, everything is peachy keen, just as it should be'
[Denver:] i wonder how many days i could go just looking into your eyes questioning what ever gave god the idea to strip an angel of its wings
( Now that's the kind of thing that'll give me sweet dreams. )


I typed up another story. I guess I'll post the draft here once everyone has seen the lovely update I made for yesterday below this one.


TOK comic:
'....So Bernice, Delta and I talked - and still ended up mad at each other.'
'But now it's for the right reasons. Anger at lies lasts forever. Anger at truth can't last.'


[Steph:] we went for a walk around my neighborhood..and he told me to close my eyes, and he kissed me!!! and my thoughts went exactly like this 'oo wet..ooo nice...ooooo!!!my first kiss!!!' and then it started to rain so he kissed me again in the rain-- it was SOO ROMANTIC


I'll put the story in it's own post.


I.. couldn't focus today. Nothing new. I've come to hate weekends. Instead of waiting online for a certain few people to come around, I went off to watch some philosophy in the form of The Labyrinth.

One part that always hits me is the junkyard. The scene were the goblins of the junkyard reveal Sarah's insecurities in her attachment to her childhood items. How her safety and security is kept entirely in the toys and things she has in her room... they are a part of her in that they're the only things she can let herself love, feel safe with, become attached to. Yet when the goblin physically sticks them to Sarah just like other junk is stuck to the goblin, Sarah feels the real weight of such beliefs and realizes her insecurities. She realizes that the toys and memorabilia cannot return her love, affection, or attention and that they are.. in reality.. just objects. Tangible and dear to her... but objects. What is more important is her baby brother, a real-life human being that.. damn. That's as far as I'm taking that.

All that I’ve done, I’ve done for you.
I move the stars for no one.
~Jareth, The Labyrinth

Gesundheit.
I am so pissed off. Among other emotions.

So I get up this morning. Rush over to Old School Square. Drive around for like 20 minutes trying to find a relatively close spot to park. Cart the second bass and another harness over to the event. And hang around for Paul to get there. Cameron and Vinh were already there. We wait and wait and when Paul gets here.. there are only four of us. One for each of the different instruments. Our playing is called off because the others who said they'd be there didn't feel like getting up and coming over there.

So they left and I wandered to hang with Allison and Kyu at the sand creation booth. Then they left. I wandered some more and found Ali. Talked with her a bit until the supervisor came over. Then I made to leave but I found Danny. That made me happy. So I helped him at the sand creation booth for a bit, then we got moved to the jousting and I made sure the little kids didn't fall and scrape themselves up.
I heard Carver's drumline. And some other drumline on the steel drums.
I wrote myself down as community service from 11:30-2.


Parent's went off again. Grades I think it was over this time. That and my 'contempt I outwardly show of them' to which I told him to go get a book on parenting teens.

They wouldn't let me enjoy the one thing that was supposed to make me smile and happy. Thanks for letting me borrow that episode Natalia, it really was funny.


I guess what I said could be considered lies now, Tom.


Something Has Happened!
You are now eligible to use 'Fire Paw' as an avatar on the NeoBoards!


[Denver:] pain only hurts for so long then you get used to it
[Me:] that sounds like something I'd say hun
[Denver:] i know
[Denver:] i was wonderingif you would react to that
[Me:] silly goose
[Denver:] your cynicle commentary is useually kinda deep and remotely poetic as well as wise beyound what you give yourself credit for
( Goodness me he sees something through my masks. )


[Me:] what stopped you [from slitting your wrist and commiting suicide last weekend]?
[Courtney:] i thought of u
[Me:] did you really? that cant be all that stopped you
[Courtney:] yeah it was
[Courtney:] and i knew what u would say
[Me:] what would I say?
[Courtney:] not to do it
[Me:] you still have so much life ahead of you sweetheart life that will be good and hopeful and happy
( Should I be happy the thought of me made her stop? Stressed I hold that kind of power? Sad I was away when she needed me the most?)


[Leah:] just face your problems head on instead of ignoring them!!
( Don't give me attitude.. )


Didn't get much work done today... people harrassing me and giving no moments peace and such.

heaven's messages yearn to touch the earth
AOL Research & Learn Skywatcher Alert
See the Lyrid Meteors Tonight
You'll see the most meteors around midnight in the northeast above the constellation Cygnus.

These are them aren't they? The ones we'd planned for.....

Mer mentioned them today as she went on about Evan. Dagger through the drained heart.


I came home yesterday planning to press my flowers so I'd have a tangible piece of the relationship.. but the violets were shriveling up. Literally shriveling. The pink rose.. it was already dead at the core.. giving off that deep deathly smell. The red rose had bloomed to the max, like one massive effort to release everything as soon as possible.
They were all to last two weeks.
Such depressing vibes.


Thank God for my nice stalker friend. His name is Denver if I've never mentioned it before. And I officially relinquish the title 'stalker'. He's been there for me in a different way then each of you are there for me.... wow..


Nothing more to really say except that as much as I enjoy The Bell Jar... now is not a good time to read her many adventures and thoughts into suicide. I think I might explain that to Schilit tomorrow..


Night!

They were really screams in the silent room. But the rain clouds let the tears fall annonymously and screams sound just so angry.
I have nothing I really want to say. But this space has been empty too long.

Hmm.. who want's to listen to the poet's voice?
I'm in the mood for one of those philosophical-type abstract conversations, my dear hawk.

Lo and behold I actually said 'yes' to the question 'do you want to talk?'
Isn't wonderful how time would not cooperate with me though? Lovely.


You know what I find hilarious but sickeningly upsetting?
Dad surprised me by saying we needed to talk about relationships. I laughed at him and told him he was a little late. He's like, I know the school taught you about sex and such but we still need to talk to you about relationships.
So ya know, I'll let him talk, it'll help me in the end. I'm sitting there eating dinner thinking it was like, talking to me about boys and what to expect from relationships and where to draw the lines and the like.
Me and Katie make a run for it upstairs and later mom comes in and is like, your father needs to talk to you about relationships. I said I was busy today. She's replied that this was the most important time for me in school and that grades were very important and I must put them first and do very well because this year determines my next 10 years. Katie was like... way to pile on the pressure there. I was just aghast that that was the underlying point of what he wanted to talk to me about. Glad they think about me here.

Crimson Vengeance
Slipping. I could sense it today.
Must be because I'm overwhelmed. So much happens at once.


The Great Neopian Depression.
Disaster.
..you know the login page? Well if you forget your password they have a page to click on where you enter your username. Well.. this time.. if you entered your username it displayed your email and password on the page instead of emailing it to you personally. Glitch. If it wasn't your username you looked up? Hacking. Hacking with the glitch... Thrilling.
Over 500 accounts totalled. Mass chaos. Clips from Borovan/Adam.. he semi-cursed. Macho.
Many left.
Hrobi and featheralley frozen for their protection.
I'm on the down low. Absolutely no posting anywhere.


So pissed. Nature and Deb tried to suspend the guild for safety. Bit reckless. Kicked out a few players. Guess who's lucky? -.-


Now guess who is back!
Post on the diary and she'll post back. I knew she would. Took me 76 days to do it.

>> Fourth!?! Yes, yes there is a fourth. Kris! ;.; *hugs really tight* Oh my GOD you scared me so much! I only got this hug and a big ^_^ and and and I looked for you, I did! I looked for you on AIM but you weren't there! I thought you did something bad ;.;.. T_T *clings*

That email I sent long ago. Though if her connection was down I guess she just recently looked for me. Not hard enough I'll say. And without a reply to the email.
That's Kai-chan by the way.


My military friend... God how I worry. He sent me an email like.. a month ago....... and I didn't reply to it. Couldn't.... But... he hasn't written me any others... no jokes or random emails without a message either..
I want to email him.. I do... but... mmmmm.
Snapping.


My stalker friend. He's so sweet and always makes me feel better. Been away often lately though. Last night he came to me with some relationship trouble. I think I could finally actually offer some advice on the subject..

Kyo's changed. It's in the way he responds to me. After I told him he was different but didn't say why... I think he figured it out. So we tried again. But he did the world famous: put the away message saying you've gone out or what not without telling me so that after like a half hour I have to check and see his status manually. Daggers. Push me further.


What else?

I have random, sudden, major bouts of being really tired. Like all of a sudden I'll just be at the point of if I close my eyes I'll be asleep. It's freaky and really aggravating.

State Solo/Ensemble is.. tomorrow. TOMORROW! Have we practiced? No. Is Leah really sick? Yes. Should we play? Dunno but I'm not staying in school.

States for Math are in less than 2 weeks. Missing school for that.

Other things like that.. trips and concerts and performances and going out on weekends and something.. there's something...

It gets hungry.
But it's never full.
Feed it?
Don't get near it!
It'll never leave you alone then.
Sacrifice for a friend?
Why get near it?
It'll haunt you now.
Be afraid.


I'm trying to write... I need to write... need to...

Fears.

..help......