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:: 2009 14 April :: 5.13pm

i made a new woohu. i feel like i've betrayed this one.
the new one is devindanie.

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:: 2008 8 June :: 11.00pm

sooo todays my birthday. i didn't do anything. i didn't even have a party.
my parents gave me $200 and they're going to go get me a gps for my car next week.
pretty cool i guess..

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:: 2008 30 April :: 11.48am
:: Mood: blank
:: Music: pieces - sum 41

so, like i was saying.
april 24th would have been mine and rocko's anniversary.
we haven't talked since that date.
i guess we're pretty much over now. it just kind of sucks. like i wasted two years of my fucking life over some abusive asshole.
wow, i fail at life.

1 wave goodbye. | Pull the lever.


:: 2008 26 March :: 1.56pm

haven't updated in quite a long time.
i'm working out now regularly at the gym.

in less than a month, it would have been mine and rockos two year anniversary.
i guess we're going to try to give it another shot..
god knows how that's going to go.

i'm really tired actually.

1 wave goodbye. | Pull the lever.


:: 2008 4 January :: 11.11pm

i'm going to steal all of rockos pokemon and put them on mine. aha.
yeahhh boyyyee.

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:: 2007 23 June :: 9.54pm

so. yesterday, was terrible.
i went out to the point.. started drinking around like 5 or 6.
then danielle took me to my house, then to her house, then back out to the point.
started drinking some more.
rocko made up this bitch ass game
me and alex played it for a long time
for his graduation, one of the things i got him was a corona glass set. there were two shot glasses and a pint glass, which he's been using ever since =]
so up until last night, he hasn't even touched the shot glasses.
{oooh, thinking about this makes my tummy hurt}
we broke them in, basically.
i had captain and he had jagermeister.
we did a couple rounds, and then kept playing rocko's game.
i kinda don't remember that much, since we broke in the shot glasses like, eight times in a row =] if ya catch my drift

apparently i took a couple pictures! in the majority, i am horribly disfigured, so they'll be deleted off my camera.. but here's two that i like =]
enjoy home`z



love those kids

OH! & what's even better..
me & stacey argued today.
let's just say that there's finally closure to a friendship that died a long time ago

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:: 2007 20 June :: 10.19pm

i kinda find it funny that, two years ago, i was basically obsessed with eli. now he's a good friend of mine, and when i see him i don't even think about that night.
i don't talk to brittany anymore either, which is a relief. she's become such a faggot, honestly.
i don't really talk to anyone.
me and stacey got close for awhile, and then she fucked that up by being a stupid cunt.
oh well,
people change.

1 wave goodbye. | Pull the lever.


:: 2007 20 June :: 6.11am

there's a couple pics at end of post

i'M LOViN LiFE..
i'm getting my license in august, i've decided. =]
recently was alex's grad party..
i came, i saw, and i conquered that bioooootch.
actually, i got some vodka and orange juice and cruised my way through the night, pretty much extremely happy.
i showed up on pain pills, which nobody seemed to notice lmfao.
i basically hung out with lindsay and kaitlynn the entire night. me and rocko, eh, fought. but oh well, who doesn't fight?? i still love `im =]
alex and me got into it too.. well, it was more, him screaming at me, but i left after he started {he was blitzed}, cause the day was about him, so i wasn't gonna yell back.
ya dig?!
june 8th..
i didn't even drink, but ya know,
i had fun. party at the house for family.
then over to danielles to see the friends.
we had a little fire..
it was like,
rocko, harold, danielle, allison, chris, yeager, alex, jimmy cribbs, and i'm pretty sure somebody else, but i can't think of who at the moment.

i was in the pool within like, 20 minutes.
rocko ended up skinny-dipping, which, ya know, whatever floats your boat.
but i stayed clothed, thank you.

oh! heather got married! may 5th, it was definitely beautiful =]

kt and me, at alex's graduation. i was starting to feel the absolut by this point.

me and lindsay, like 5 minutes later. i look trashed, but definitely not.

a decent picture of me and rocko. this is december 06, right before the killswitch concert. i was definitely trashed, off like, okay. don't laugh. one shot of everclear, two bears, and a couple drinks of captain morgan. i know, i know! lightweight!

the wedding! my favourite picture! i love it. heather - nicole - me.
gorrrrrrrrrrgeous sisters, if i do say so myself.

hopefully i'll be on here more and whatnot, now that it's summer.
love ya!

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:: 2007 24 April :: 6.14pm

it's the little things.
the things that always go unnoticed.

i love how neither of us are ever in control of our emotions.
and at the same time i hate it.

i love how he has all this power,
and his touch is so gentle.

i love winning wrestling matches with him,
even though he's a sore loser.

i love how we can talk about pokemon
for hours.

i love how when we watched the notebook
he looked at me and smiled at the cheesy parts.

i love how he sings to me in that awful,
high-pitched kind of voice that makes me happy everytime.

i love how no matter what,
he always looks out for my best interest

i love drinking with him, because when i say i love you,
he looks at me and smiles so soft, because he believes it

and even though we argue.
he should believe it.
because i do love him.
and i wouldn't trade this last year.
not for anything.

april 24, 2006‚ô•

1 wave goodbye. | Pull the lever.


:: 2007 20 March :: 11.14am

i'm deleting all of my old entries.
i was an idiot.

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:: 2007 19 March :: 12.23am

im in love with a stripper

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:: 2006 5 March :: 1.17am
:: Mood: enthralled

Sinner, A Self-Destructive Solo for Two Men
I went tonight with Hilary and Dan to see this show called Sinner, by Stan Won't Dance. It was by these two british guys, each of whom played a different side of the personality of the Soho Bomber from London. It started off with them lying on the ground amidst wreckage - literally chairs hanging from the ceiling. It was in the black box theater, so there were probably about 30-40 people in the room, and the stage is not elevated, it's just a reflective dance floor. So the guys got up eventually and did this show where they seamlessly integrated (did I steal that phrase from a review?) spoken dialogue and dance. Not normal dance, mind you, but VERY physical dance, where they literally threw each other around. So the guys walked into this gay bar, and immediately posed the question "do you know who the person beside you is?" It started out with the tall guy being rico suave in the gay bar, who sleeps around and does drugs, basically, and the short guy was really nervous, it was his first time in a gay bar, etc. So they were flirting kind of. Meanwhile, the text is very repetitive, which was cool. I mean like they say the same lines over and over, and do the same movements. It was kind of cyclical in a way? But it just kind of added to the confusion, because the whole point of the play is what was going on inside this guy's mind on the night he exploded a nail bomb in a gay bar. It's all his mental struggle. So as the show progresses, the tall guy eventually gets the short guy to take some drugs, and they start talking more philosophically. They had a really interesting bit about hate as an emotion, that feeling hate towards other people is feeling something, and other people hating you was feeling something. The tall guy also posed theoretically (kinda) blowing up something to gain celebrity status, while accomplishing something. Because after they talked about hate as an emotion, they started talking about who they hate. It started off as people with big glasses, and people with acne, then progressed to losers and assholes, and finally niggers, pakis, and queers (sorry, I wouldn't use that language, but it's in the show). It was just this progression inside the guy's mind of how he got to the point of hating people so much he would explode a nail bomb. Two times during the show the tall guy got phone calls from his conscience, while the short guy writhed on the ground, literally being beaten by some invisible force. Eventually both times he got beaten to the point that he was sprawled out on the ground in a crucifix position. The third phone call went to the short guy, and he repeated word for word what the tall guy had said to the conscience in the first phone call. Ah wait, before the third phone call there was a point where the short guy put on the tall guy's jacket. Also, each guy had a duffle bag...the short guy said his was filled with clothes, and we assume the tall guy's is filled with explosives. After the short guy gets off the phone, he asks the tall guy again if he has the right bag, and they go through a little thing with that. The tall guy asks when they would have gotten switched, the short guy says "I dunno, when I was on the phone" (both other times he had said "when you were on the phone"), and the tall guy answers "you were never on the phone." Short guy patted his pockets and realized there was no phone in there. Right after that they switch roles in repeating the dialogue. Each line was probably repeated at least 3-4 times throughout the show. Now they switched physical positions on stage and in the dance, and they switched lines...just completely swapped characters. Very shortly after that, the short guy repeated something he had said several times at the beginning about why he had come into the gay bar in the first place, but changed the demeanor and added a few "fucking queers." Other than that, it was the same. So basically they illustrated how this man (the Soho Bomber) went from just being a guy who walked into a gay bar with a duffle bag to blowing the place up. It was just really well done. At the end of the play, the short man just snapped, and he nailed the tall man to a table, then put the duffle bag down where it had been sitting at the beginning of the show, and all the lights turned off but the lights on the duffle bag.

After the show there was a Q&A...most of the questions were stupid ("Who was on the other end of the phone calls?"), but some of them elicited very good answers. The two guys who put on the show were very knowledgable. Hilary asked what they had changed, if anything, between performing the show in the UK and in America. They said they had to change a few words. One of the funny examples was there's a line near the beginning of the play saying that when he was walking into the gay bar he avoided the man next to the cigarette machine, which they had to change from "fag machine" in England. Apparently not everyone is familiar with British slang for cigarettes. They also said they had contemplated changing the word Paki, but there was no American equivalent. I'm not sure why people wouldn't get who they were referring to anyway. They also spoke a little bit about the background of the story. Apparently this man was a serial bomber in 1999, and he used nail bombs to blow up a black neighborhood, an Indian neighborhood, and this gay bar. They read a lot of police reports from the time and did a ton of research, and found out that this guy was most likely a closeted gay man struggling to accept his own sexuality. That was the theory behind a lot of the play being a flirtation between these two men. It went from him being a normal gay man walking into a gay bar to a man blowing up a gay bar, and everything in between. It really emphasized the choice this guy made between being those two people, either a normal gay man walking into a gay bar, or a serial bomber. My favorite thing that they talked about, and I can't remember the question now, delved into the religious imagery in the show. Hilary told me after the show, though I hadn't noticed it during, that there was a part when a cross was projected onto the stage, and it slowly morphed into a swastika. The guy, Liam, who...choreographed? the show and also starred as the short guy, talked about how this man had become his own martyr, and he explained that that was behind the ending of each phone call with him lying in a crucifix position. I really appreciated that he said this, because the play moved so quickly that it was hard to catch a lot of the deeper meaning imagery stuff. I had wondered about the picture on the cover of the program, which shows a man (Liam) with two nails in his head. I mean, this obviously has a lot of conotations with Jesus...they are the same kind of crucifiction nails, crown of thorns, etc. But the nails are placed in such a manner that they jut out like devil horns. The man in the story made himself out to be Christ, but in doing so, became a Sinner.

(The program picture is different, but it's the same basic principle.)

I found this article/review on the UFPA webpage, so I thought I'd share it.

UFPA presents
Stan Won't Dance
Tuesday, February 28 - Saturday, March 4, 2006, 7:30 p.m.
Phillips Center Black Box Theatre


British physical theater company Stan Won't Dance brings its groundbreaking performance Sinner to the Phillips Center Black Box Theatre for a five-night run on Tuesday, February 28 through Saturday, March 4, 2006. Show times are at 7:30 p.m. There will not be performance discussions.

Stan Won't Dance is comprised of Liam Steel and Rob Tannion, who met as performers with DV8 Physical Theatre. Wanting to perform issue-based works that fully integrate text and movement, the duo, along with executive director Ellie Beedham, formed Stan Won't Dance in 2004. Steel initially trained as an actor and moved into dance, while Tannion did the opposite, forming a complementary relationship that works during performances and during the creative process.

Their inaugural work is Sinner. Based on the events surrounding David Copeland-the "Soho bomber" who attacked London's black, Asian and gay communities with nail bombs in April 1999, killing three and injuring dozens-Tannion and Steel, along with writer Ben Payne, prepared for the production by reading every news article and police report on the case that they could find, and explored related issues and similar events. Sinner moves from a nervous pub flirtation between two gay men to a chilling psychological thriller, exploring prejudice, sexuality and the blurred boundaries between good and evil.

"You soon realize that good and evil just depends on your viewpoint, your social and cultural position and what your reference points are," Steel and Tannion explained to "Icons of evil are easier and more preferable to distance ourselves from, and we can therefore take little responsibility for their actions-they are not like us. Or are they?"

Sinner seamlessly combines movement and spoken word, and an eerie set and lighting design reflect the show's intensity.

"Put all of these layers of spoken and physical text/choreography together, counted out and timed precisely to each track of music, then place it on a stage that is a sloping smashed mirrored floor with holes in it and furniture embedded in it and you start to build up a picture," said Tannion and Steel. "It's challenging, but ultimately very rewarding to both watch and perform."

Critics agree-Sinner has been met with resounding acclaim. The Daily Telegraph called the production "one of the most theatrically thrilling productions I've seen... period."

Ben Wright will replace Rob Tannion during Sinner's North American tour.

Sinner contains profanity and other material of an adult nature, video light effects, loud music and smoke.

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:: 2006 7 February :: 12.39am

Fiction writing ain't your living room.

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:: 2006 30 January :: 4.26pm
:: Mood: optimistic
:: Music: "Dancing Through Life" -Wicked

New favorite class is Writing and Love. Today we watched a movie about Gandhi's Salt March, and then talked about nonviolence for a while. Vikram asked us all how nonviolence could work against terrorism. I was really hesitant to answer, as was, apparently, my entire side of the circle. Well, it wasn't really a circle or it wouldn't have had sides, now would it? It's a rectangle. But anyway, Vikram kinda turned to us and asked if we just didn't care. Then he said well, maybe I'm asking the question wrong; maybe it should be can nonviolence work against terrorism. I didn't want to talk, pretty much cause I thought my opinion on the matter was invalid...most of the class is some kind of other culture, and that got me in a bit of a pickle this morning in Social Problems, but that is a story for another day. So I raised my hand after a few seconds of hesitation, and he called on me. I said that I think there's an important distinction between oppression and terrorism. Nonviolence has proven very effective against oppression, for example the British in India in the 30's, and Martin Luther King's approach during the Civil Rights Movement. I said that all of the nonviolent protests I had heard of/studied are, at their core, a series of marches, boycotts, sit ins, etc. What exactly are we going to do, boycott al quaida? The actual individuals are dead...they crashed planes into the sides of buildings. So who are we to take a stand against? I said I think America took the most effective form of nonviolent response to terrorism that we could, we internalized it and united ourselves rather than externalizing it. At least for a time. I think if we would have continued that kind of action, or inaction, it could have been a successful nonviolent protest of terrorism, because we would have rendered the terrorism ineffective. At this point in time, I think that's the best we can hope for. I said I think that nonviolence is not an option against terrorism, but would be extremely effective instead of terrorism. Vikram took a second, then kinda said yeah, that's really good. He said "You articulated a popular argument. I mean, people have written whole books about this subject, and I don't think any of them have stated it as clearly as that." ^.^ This class is proving to be an enormous boost to my confidence. We've only had three freaking classes. I keep coming back to the point that somewhere along the line I've lost confidence in myself, and didn't even realize it. I think since going to college I've just grown incredibly unsure of myself. I'm more indecisive, if that's possible, I have more problems with public speaking, or, more specifically, articulating my ideas in front of groups/classes. I'm thinking maybe going from top dog in a lot of situations (senior, officer in everything under the sun) to being a freshman again contributed a lot to it. I'm really glad though that this class has begun to put my feet back under me.

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:: 2006 23 January :: 12.31am
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: "Gravedigger" -Dave Matthews

Writing & Love Paper
First day of classes and I got an assignment for a 6,000 word paper. We had to write any 6,000 words, they didn't even have to be in English, and he's not collecting it. About half of it ended up being a huge journal entry, so I figured I might as well post it in the journal. So here's the first 3,500 words, written last night and today.

In my infinite ability to procrastinate, I have left this 6,000 word assignment go until less than 48 hours before it is due. Frankly, Iím surprised Iím starting it this early. To be fair, I am writing while watching Cruel Intentions. Who names a kid Sebastian anyway?

Classes have started, and they seem to be going well enough. Writing and Love, well, weíve only had one class, yet I have more homework for that class than any of the others put together. Itís not the kind of homework that I mind though. I kind of enjoy an excuse to write every day, even if itís about matters as trivial as I know this paper is going to include. Iím really not much of a writer at all, but maybe I will be at the end of the semester. Even as I write that sentence I doubt it. I think my mind is more geared towards science and math than towards more creative things like writing, art, etc. I have just kind of been using writing as a means by which to vent frustrations and organize thoughts. The more I write in my journal (my ďnonlineĒ journal, which isnít published for most of my friends to see), the more depressed and angry I think it is. I donít consider myself a very angry person at all, but I keep bitching about stuff in my journal. I think these past two weeks have just included more small frustrations than usual. I havenít been writing about crises like last year, rather more minor conflicts that arenít important enough to bring to the personís/peopleís attention(s). As far as other classes go, Social Problems is exceedingly boring. The teacher is very young and has a thick accent; he spends most of his time reading verbatim from his notes, which I assume come straight from the book. I assume because I havenít cracked open the book yet. Actually, I havenít cracked open any books yet. I think that may catch up to me in the form of a chem quiz Tuesday and a bio test February 3rd. However, Rohald, the Social Problems professor, has admitted that chapter one is boring, and he has promised that the class gets much more interesting after most of the definitions are out of the way. I havenít decided yet if I believe him or not. Bonus points for the class because Joakim Noah is in it. Though I try to avoid it, I too fall victim to the celebrity syndrome. I donít know that his presence will make me go to the class though. It seems pretty easy, and it is at 8:30 in the morning, three times a week. Thatís probably just not worth going to. I think itís going to turn out a lot like wildlife issues last semester, which turned out to be one of the best classes Iíve taken, if only because I ended up with a 102% without showing up. Hopefully Social Problems goes the same way.

Chem is pretty much what I expected. My professor is like a cartoon character. He sounds a lot like Wallace Shawn (the voice of Rex from Toy Story), and he constantly makes over-the-top bad jokes. For example, when we were learning about ICE tables, he said, ďThis subjectís cool, man. ÖGet it, cool?Ē Crickets. A cartoon character is the only way that I can think to describe him. Heís just so exaggerated and over the top with everything he does. As far as Bio goes, I wish my bio teacher were as entertaining as my chem teacher. He gives us all the notes in advance, so as to lower motivation to go to class, not to mention actually listening as he drones on. In addition, he uses PowerPoint, so he keeps the lights down. Itís one of the hardest classes to stay awake in. There are little to no consequences for not paying attention, and my lack of motivation is really coming through. Thatís bad, though, because I need good grades in sciences. This is the first professor that Iíve had that is remotely like the professors I had envisioned before taking any college courses. He seems moderately uninterested in actually teaching, I think he just took the job for the research opportunities. He was going on the other day about this theory he and his wife have about mutations in mitochondria causing aging. I donít know, I wasnít really listening. Bio lab doesnít start until next week, so I havenít gotten a taste of that yet, but I got a full dose of chem lab. The actual lab was alright, it wasnít too bad. The bad part came in the fact that I had to work with Navela. I donít really mind her all that much, but we werenít exactly friends in high school, and we havenít spoken since May, so it was a little awkward. To make it worse, she didnít bring her lab manual, because she didnít read the syllabus, so she spent the entire time just copying out of mine. I donít usually mind all that much when people copy my stuff, or at least thatís what I tell other people, I guess, because this certainly rubbed me the wrong way. I think it was just the fact that she did it constantly for three straight hours.

Well, Iíve just written almost a thousand words, and have yet to say anything interesting.

I havenít felt very interesting lately, just kind of there. I havenít been doing much but going to classes and reading. I canít get my nose out of those damn Harry Potter books, so I spent about three hours today writing a fan fiction. I donít even write fan fiction. But I guess I have now, as itís currently about 4,000 words. But it should help me with this assignment, as I plan on tacking on the end of 2,000 words of rambling. I wish I could write more creative stuff. I enjoy fiction writing; I just get frustrated at the fact that I have so much trouble coming up with interesting stories. I have no problem writing things that I think are masterpieces, until I have trouble staying awake to reread them. Tonight Liz was very interested in my fanfic, but I think maybe that gives me false hope. Itís not even like I want to become a published author or anything, I just want to come up with a story that I really enjoy writing. Not a fanfic, something that I have come up with. Maybe if I think about it more actively, now that I know itís something I want to do, something that I enjoy doing. The problem that I keep running into though is that I just suck at creative writing. Iím decent at writing essays, but anything thatís not guided to some extent just becomes incredibly dull and boring. Then I wonder if itís a self-fulfilling prophecy. I think if I can just come up with one character and his/her situation, Iíll be able to go from there.

My biggest stressor the past few weeks has been my lack of roommate for the fall. I had a great plan, until Kim got rejected from UF. Itís getting very difficult to find someone that I want to live with, who wants to live with me, and likes large, hyper dogs. Iíve gotten plenty of offers to live with people, but all of them on campus. Hopefully Iíll be able to put an ad up on the prevet club web page or something. Otherwise Iím not really sure where to go from here. I definitely do not want to live on campus again, because I need to bring Sasha with me. Every time I go to the prevet club meetings, I am a little jealous of the people who bring their dogs with them. I want to bring Sasha with me. I love going places with her, and she loves getting out. If I can find a roommate for next year I know Iíll have so much fun with her in Gainesville. Sometimes I think of how I lived for 14 years before I got a dog, since Iím having such difficulty doing it now. Then I remember the countless conversations I had with my parents over those years. I donít know that you could call them conversations, actually. I was desperate. I just have to have a dog. Thatís it. Fish are nice, but GusGus doesnít hold a candle to Sasha, obviously. Iíve thought about getting something with fur, but Hilary is allergic to pretty much everything, and most furry things that I could keep in the dorm are nocturnal. It wouldnít be fair.

Iím quickly running out of things to write about. I am just that boring.

In March I am hopefully traveling to Michigan State to go to the prevet symposium. It sounds really amazing. Itís pretty much a convention of about 600 prevet students from around the country. ďAttendees will experience dynamic laboratories and lectures, interactions with other pre-vet students, and a chance to further their understanding of the role of veterinarians across the globe.Ē Saturday is filled with two labs and four lectures, and Iíve looked through the programs and chosen some Iíd like to check out. Hereís the short list:
Dealing with Parvovirus in Dogs - Overview of the diagnosis, treatment and prevention of parvovirus.
Intestinal Foreign Bodies in Cats and Dogs - Intestinal obstruction due to the ingestion of various objects can cause life-threatening issues in dogs and cats. The diagnosis, and surgical cure will be presented.
Zoo and Wildlife Medicine and Management - The veterinarian's role in zoo and wildlife related careers, with focus on required training, responsibilities, and job opportunities.
Ethics and Veterinary Medicine - Ethical issues you will face as a student, a practicing clinician, and a member of an important public profession. Issues range from docking tails to cloning racehorses.
Animal Welfare Assessment - Discussion of different animal welfare indicators, and the impact to animals.
The Business of Being a Veterinarian - Exploration of what you need to know about business to be successful in a veterinary practice.
Out of those lectures Iíd have to choose four, assuming that it will line up right in the schedule. Iíll have to check on that. The labs I have figured out, and I hope that I can do both of them.
Zoo Tour and Darting - A tour of a local zoo and the opportunity to practice darting.
Basics of Suture Tying - Come learn the basic suture patterns and act like a doctor.
Iím really excited about these programs, so Iím really hoping I can go. I brought it up to the parents this weekend, and they seem to be in favor of my attendance. The problem is going to be in the fact that it costs about $450 to go because of the plane fare. I think I can cover most of it with my earnings from winter break substituting, and maybe the rest can come from my National Merit stipend. Hopefully my parents will pay for at least some, but I canít realistically expect them to do that. Iím just glad that I worked a bit during winter break, rather than sitting at home doing nothing.

During my phone conversation yesterday, my mom also mentioned that Gayle contacted her about my plans for the summer; ďrecruitingĒ I believe were her words. I had to tell her to let them know Iím not really sure about the summer. I feel like I should, but, I mean, honestly, itís January. Itís not even the end of January, itís the middle of January. I still havenít made a decision about taking Organic Chemistry over the summer. I know itís probably in my best interest to take it then, but I frankly just donít want to stay in Gainesville all summer. The grass is always greener, I suppose. For some reason, there are more stresses living alone that replace the stress of parents. Plus, a lot of my friends will be home this summer, and I didnít get to spend a lot of time with them over winter break. I really would like to work camp again this summer, not to mention the fact that Iíd be making $2/hour more than I did last summer. I do, however, need to get a job with a vet, preferably Boca Greens. Iím going to go over spring break and see if theyíll hire me for May. I was thinking perhaps I can work part time at camp, and then can fill in the time with Boca Greens. It will all depend on what theyíre willing to hire me for. I donít necessarily like the idea of working two jobs over the summer, but Iíd enjoy both jobs, and I wouldnít complain about having the extra cash, especially since itís not cheap to get an apartment. The rent shouldnít be too bad, but Iíd also have to furnish it, and take care of Sasha.

I was thinking yesterday about when I was substituting during winter break, and the kids seemed to be so confused as to whether I was a kid or an adult. They must have asked me twenty times if I was married or if I had children. I think in kid-world there are kids and there are parents. I was their teacher, so I couldnít be a kid, but I had told them I wasnít a parent. It took me a while to understand why they had such a hard time grasping the fact that I was 19, it was as if they had never heard of college. Now that I realize where they were coming from, though, it makes me see more clearly the position that weíre all in. Itís kind of this transition state, sometimes I feel in limbo. Iíve spent my whole life preparing for something, but I feel like Iíve never actually gotten anywhere. You spend the years before school preparing for life, you spend elementary school preparing for middle school, middle school preparing for high school, high school preparing for college, now Iím preparing for vet school. In eight months Iíll be twenty. I never thought Iíd be twenty. Even though that feels really old to me, I still have another seven years of preparation ahead of me. Schooling, I should say. Seven years ago, I was in sixth grade. And after Iím finished with school, Iím still not sure Iíll be done preparing. Will I always be preparing for my next patient? For a better job? For my own practice? Is the point of life to constantly prepare for whatever is just out of your reach? Even if you do reach the place youíre shooting for, thatís usually about the time you start a family. Then you spend all your time preparing your children for the life you just had. On the other hand, maybe itís not preparation; maybe itís just constantly bettering yourself and trying to reach that next level, never growing complacent. I keep thinking of the Dave Matthews song, ďGravedigger.Ē I think the online journal community has conditioned me to think of songs for all of my moods and thoughts, not that this is necessarily a bad thing. ďSirus Jones, 1810 to 1913, made his great grandchildren believe you could live to a hundred and three. A hundred and three is forever when youíre just a little kid, so Sirus Jones lived forever.Ē I think this line goes back to the little kid aspect I mentioned before. I mean, obviously Sirus Jones didnít live forever, because he died in 1913. His great grandchildren know he didnít live forever, because they were there when he died in 1913. Still, Sirus Jones lived forever.

This is an excerpt from one of my favorite stories ever. I guess itís fan fiction in a way, based loosely off of The Phantom of the Opera.
ďBut Angel,Ē she said, ďhow can there be beauty in something so horrible?Ē
ďWas it the horror that created the music?Ē
ďThe swans were in pain. They were dying. And so they sang.Ē
ďEverything you say is true, and yet youíve missed the point,Ē he said. ďThe good, as they die sometimes catch a glimpse of the paradise to come. The swans who are mute all their lives, find their voice only at that final moment, for the greater glory of God.Ē
That passage really speaks to me, I love it. The fact that something can make a noise so beautiful as it literally faces its peril is a very powerful image. I really want to get my hands on The Phantom of the Opera novel. Itís not like itís difficult to find, I just havenít bought it. Sometimes I put off reading new things, and I have recently discovered (yesterday) that I just donít want to finish them. For example, I have this new book called Marley & Me that just looks outstanding. It was an impulse buy at Barnes and Noble. I havenít even picked it up yet though; Iíve been rereading Harry Potter books. I think the fact that Iíve already finished all those books is why Iíve been gravitating towards them. Iím not afraid of being disappointed with the book, I just donít want to be finished with it. Rereading something is just not the same. I have glorified the novels to the point that I donít want to even start them, they will be over in a single afternoon. This totally defeats the purpose though, because I end up not reading. I have to just find more books when Iím done. When I bought Marley & Me, I realized that I could not even remember the last time I had found something in a bookstore and bought it when it was not the exact item I had gone in to purchase. Iíve stopped buying books on impulse. I think this lost a lot of the fun of reading for me. Part of the enjoyment that comes from reading is the discovery of a really good book. That has been lost for some time now. I need to make sure that I remember it. I often blame IB for having crushed my love of reading, but I think Iím slowly regaining it. Call me a nerd, but I enjoy spending an entire afternoon reading in bed. I put as my away message the other day ďNever underestimate the power of a cup of hot chocolate and a good book.Ē That was a great day too. I just read forever, until I fell asleep. Sometimes I find that I am happier with less social situations. It makes me think that maybe I should give up the search for a roommate and live alone with Sasha and Kitty. It would be more expensive, but I think I might like that idea. Maybe Iíll run it past the parents and see what they think. Iím just a very independent person; I like my space. Also, that would ease a bit of stress about me worrying whether my roommate was annoyed with Sasha, and would just leave me in complete control of where I lived. The more I think about it, the more I like the idea. I remain undecided, however; I will see how my options play out.

So, in a crazy twist of events, I started reading Marley & Me while I was cooking dinner. It is amazing, and Iím only 20 pages in. I donít think itís a book that I can read over and over again, but Iíll enjoy it while Iím reading it. Reading the preface, I came as close as Iíve ever come to crying in a book. Seriously, dogs are a soft spot. It just reminded me so much of Sasha since Iíve had her since I was 14. Hopefully I can get 14 years with Sasha like Grogan got 14 years with his Shaun. Hereís the part Iím referring to though, purely for posterity:
The love affair lasted fourteen years, and by the time he died I was no longer the little boy who had brought him home on that summer day. I was a man, out of college and working across the state in my first real job. Saint Shaun had stayed behind when I moved on. It was where he belonged. My parents, by then retired, called to break the news to me. My mother would later tell me, ďIn fifty years of marriage, Iíve only seen your father cry twice. The first time was when we lost Mary AnnĒ Ė my sister, who was stillborn. ďThe second time was the day Shaun died.Ē
That part really made me miss Sasha, and with Trixie and Hershey both having their health problems, I really get concerned for her. I was so relieved and excited when the vet went on and on about what great shape she is in. I take such pride in the condition and health of my dog, itís like sheís my child. Whenever anyone pays her a compliment, itís like Iíve received three.

Alright, well, I seem to have reached the word count minus the fanfic, so Iíll stop for now, and will maybe write more later. Weíll see how it goes. So, without further ado, I present my meager attempt at fanfic writing.

Um, yeah, I'm not going to post the fanfic here. *hides*

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