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but my god, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles {v.29}

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:: 2005 1 March :: 12.06am
:: Mood: grrrrrrrrrr..
:: Music: Stupid Disney theme songs will NOT get out of my head.

Now I have a question. Why the heck do I check my e-mail over one hundred times a day? And why do I check it five minutes after the last time I checked it? Note to self: NO ONE IS SENDING YOU E-MAIL, AND IF YOU GET ANY, IT'S ADS FOR PILLS AND ENLARGING YOUR PENIS!

I like my penis how it is, thanks.

:: 2005 15 February :: 6.04pm
:: Mood: numb
:: Music: Nine Inch Nails - We're in This Together

So.. him and I talked, and this time he seriously knew something was wrong. I had done alot of sulking and crying the last three days.. unable to shake this feeling whenever I thought of him. We talked for a long time.. what he told me surprised me. I saw a side of him.. I never saw before. I feel so much closer to him now.. I know he loves her, and I told him I'm okay with that. All I want him to do is to be happy.

:: 2005 12 February :: 11.11pm
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: Radiohead - Paranoid Android

I told * my feelings for him. I did it. Him and I have gotten so close over the years, and I got this vibe he really liked me. He always seems so happy to see me, and he puts me before everyone else it seems. Him and I talk for hours and hours on end.. and when I realized my feelings for him were flourishing, I started to hope his was too. He asked me if I ever had a crush on him, and if so, who.. I told him yes and it was a secret {stupid}, so he asked me if I liked him. I denied it at first.. but when he asked again, I thought, "What do I have to lose? Maybe he does like me?".. so I told him. He then went from some really mature, supportive guy to a really immature kid, and gave me some childish responce. I would rather trip and land on my face and have people point and laugh than the feeling I got from that.. I ended up leaving.

I haven't talked to him since. I was wrong about how he feels.
I hate this..

:: 2005 12 January :: 5.54pm
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: Speed of Pain - Manson

What goes up, must come down.. right?

:: 2005 1 January :: 12.53am
:: Mood: bouncy

HAPPY NEW YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAR

:: 2004 29 December :: 2.04am
:: Mood: listless
:: Music: A Perfect Circle - 3 Libras

My Aunt Judy made me something for christmas that involved my late dog, Tizer. I broke down in tears and I've been in a depressed mode all night. I sort of feel bad.. since she made it with good intentions, and instead I cried, but.. I couldn't help it. I miss her too much and it hurts to think about the last time I saw her.

..I'm almost about to cry as I type this. Life can sometimes suck just a bit.

:: 2004 26 December :: 5.50pm

That last entry isn't directed towards anyone, just.. sigh. This song makes me sad everytime I listen to it, yet even so it's still my favorite christmas song. That and the John Lennon one. I think I have a thing for sad songs..

My stomach has been hurting so bad, bleh.

:: 2004 25 December :: 11.47pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: Jimmy Eat World

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart but the very next day you gave it away. This year, to save me from tears, I'll give it to someone special. Once bitten and twice shy, I keep my distance but you still catch my eye. Tell me baby, do you recognize me? Well it's been a year, it doesn't surprise me. I wrapped it up and sent it with a note saying "I love you." I meant it.. now I know what a fool I've been. But if you kissed me now I know you'd fool me again..

:: 2004 23 December :: 3.12am
:: Music: U2

So, because I'm a pathetic sap who sleeps all day, it's three in the morning. and I'm not tired. How cool is that?

Man, I was in a sad state of affairs a year ago. Maybe I still am, what with current events and such, but I expressed it more publicly back then. I was also much more vocabulary centered in my updates. Now I don't quite care anymore. But hey, at least I'm not typing like a retard. Typing correctly will pay off someday.

:: 2004 12 December :: 5.44pm
:: Mood: apathetic

I'd like to think that all of this constant interaction is just the kind to make you drive yourself away. Each simple gesture done by me is counteracted and leaves me standing here with nothing else to say. Completely baffled by a backward indication that an inspired word will come across your tongue. Hands moving upward to propel the situation have simply halted, and now the conversation's done. There's no home for you here girl, go away. There's no home for you here. I'm only waiting for the proper time to tell you that it's impossible to get along with you. It's hard to look you in the face when we are talking, so it helps to have a mirror in the room. I've not been really looking forward to the performance, but there's my cue and there's a question on your face. Fortunately, I have come across an answer, which is go away and do not leave a trace. There's no home for you here girl, go away. There's no home for you here. Waking up for breakfast, burning matches, talking quietly, breaking baubles, throwing garbage, drinking soda, looking happy, taking pictures..so completely stupid. Just go away.

:: 2004 5 December :: 8.40pm
:: Mood: down

Maybe if I was thinner and prettier, he'd notice me. If I had cut and dyed hair, hot clothes, tan/dark skin, and so on.. he'd like me.

Fuck.

:: 2004 25 November :: 1.38pm
:: Mood: sick

FREAKING AHH I don't know what I did, but my hand hit the keyboard and everything I typed went away. Curses.

But um, to recap.. I think.. I really don't like being sick. I can hardly breathe out of my nose, and my throat is on fire. Anytime I breath or cough.. pain. Feels like hot lawn furniture is being forced down my throat. sgkjdfgkjhk

:: 2004 17 November :: 5.33pm
:: Mood: anxious

My room is all packed up.. it's sort of sad. I really liked living here.. it's been the first time in my entire life I've lived outside the city. I love the country so much, however.. any place is better than here.

So.. I've also decided. I'm closing in on 185 pounds. I think it's time I lose some weight. :\ By this time next year, I plan to be.. 145-150. I start un-fattifying myself tomorrow.

:: 2004 31 October :: 11.45pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: ughhhh

Lindsay's birthday is today. All she's done is TALKTALKTALKTALKTALK about HERHERHERHERHEHRET JE;ALKJ;LKJ.

On a lighter note, we're moving out of this hell hole. I haven't been this happy since March.. holy shit.

Oh, by the way. Happy Halloween, everyone! I'm off to watch my favourite moooovieee.

:: 2004 15 October :: 1.24pm
:: Music: Deftones - RX Queen

1 - YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME: (Name of a snack food you ate last + Grandfather's first name): Jerky John

2 - YOUR FASHION DESIGNER NAME: (First word you see on your left + Favorite restaurant): Yahoo Olive Garden

3 - EXOTIC FOREIGNER ALIAS: (Favorite Spice + Last Vacation Spot): Ketchup Michigan

4 - SOCIALITE ALIAS: (Silliest Childhood Nickname + Town Where You First Partied): Jenitals Toledo

5 - FLY GIRL ALIAS: (aka J.Lo) - (First Initial + First Two or Three Letters of your Last Name): J.Spa

6 - ICON ALIAS: (Something Sweet Within Sight + Any Liquid in Kitchen): Candy Cane Vodka

7 - DETECTIVE ALIAS: (Favorite Baby Animal + Where You Went to High School): Puppy Wood

8 - BARFLY ALIAS: (Last Snack Food You Ate + Your Favorite Alcoholic Drink): Jerky Mike's

9 - SOAP OPERA ALIAS: (Middle Name + Street Where You First Lived): Marie Pasadero

10 - LOVER ALIAS: (Favorite Baked Good + Last Bf/Gf Last Name): Cookie Nickel

11 - GREASE ALIAS: (Favorite Expletive + Last Word of Last Movie Seen): Anus Dirt

..Okay so only 7 and 11 were actually funny.

:: 2004 11 September :: 10.12pm

I am PROUD.

I am proud of being an American citizen.

I am proud of the fact that as I lay silent--lips sealed in fear that if I speak the wrong word, utter something that disagrees with the majority of the public, I will be punished and terrorized and branded as "unpatriotic"--my rights and liberties are being taken away.

I am proud of being an American citizen: I am proud of the fact that, when I am old and decrepit, I will have no health insurance and social security to fall back upon.

I am proud of the fact that my children will die as martyred innocents in future gang wars that were caused because gun control laws slowly dwindled away and became nonexistent.

I am proud of being an American citizen.

I am proud of the fact that I must learn to fear my neighbors because if what I say doesn't agree with them and the governmental administration, I will be reported. I am proud of the Patriotic Act and the fact that my right of free speech has been taken away from me.

I am proud of the fact that I have the ability to watch the brothers of my friends pick up their weapons to fight in a war that no longer has any meaning.

I am proud of the fact that soon I, too, will be required to pick up my own weapon to fight in a war in which I will die, blood running from gunshot wounds, as red as the stripes in our nation's flag.

I am proud to be living in a country where the words "justice," "liberty," and "equality" are still ideals that we have yet to achieve.

I am proud of the fact that I now have the ability to stand in an emergency room and watch as a gay man desperately tries to plead with the ward's head nurse to see his partner, but is denied access because he is not the other's "spouse."

I am proud of being an American citizen, for that means that other countries will look upon me with disgust and hatred.

I am proud of being an American citizen, for that means that I have the God-given right to disregard international policies that took years to create. I am proud of the fact that this disregard and high-handedness will soon lead to misunderstandings, chaos, and--eventually--war.

I am proud of the fact that I will die of lung disease, caused by the pollution in the atmosphere, because the government decided that drilling for oil was more important than preserving our environment.

I am proud.

I am proud to be an American citizen, because the America that I was promised still remains a dream that I cherish with all of my heart and soul.

This nation that I live in now denies everything that "America" is supposed to represent. This is not my America. This should be no one's America.

I am not proud to be an American citizen.

-- Bryanna Sandoval

:: 2004 11 September :: 5.21pm
:: Mood: disappointed
:: Music: The TV in the other room.

Today has completely lost it's meaning.

:: 2004 9 September :: 9.09pm
:: Mood: amused
:: Music: Goo Goo Dolls - Hate This Place

9999999
Type your username with your:
nose: quenya {Skill, man.}
elbow: bn bvbn bn ghghhnjjkhjjk {I wish my keyboard was a piano.}
tongue: No.
chin: qwyuerrnjagysfj {Ahahah I feel retarded.}
feet: qwyuerbntya
eyes closed and one finger: quenya
back of my hand: qyuehntyasd
palm: gyft btr6sw3 hu3rxsw xsw3sw
mouse: qwyuernyas
wrist: qyqyebtaYA

I have great skills.

:: 2004 3 September :: 10.15pm

EVERYBODY DANCE

A bleeding anus cloud, who'd a thunk it. They make plugs for that, you know.
Take this quiz!

:: 2004 25 August :: 5.11pm
:: Mood: hot
:: Music: Audioslave - Like a Stone

I sort of have a headache and I'm tired and hot because suddenly.. it got warm. Ick. I long for cold, suprisingly enough.
Yeah this journal was pointless. I'm trying.

:: 2004 17 August :: 5.08pm
:: Mood: calm

Happy Birthday, Brian!

:: 2004 1 August :: 5.07pm
:: Music: Nine Inch Nails - The Wretched

Okay. So I really need to update more, hm?

:: 2004 2 May :: 6.34pm

So, I met a guy online and I think I like him... but he has a girlfriend.

:: 2004 3 April :: 8.54pm
:: Music: Radiohead

I'm sick of being made fun of by people at school.
I'm sick of my step-brother making fun of my looks.
I'm sick of my sisters getting everything and I left out.
I'm sick of my mom putting my step-dad before her own daughter.
I'm sick of being alone..

I HATE this..

:: 2004 25 March :: 4.52pm
:: Mood: melancholy
:: Music: Motion Picture Soundtrack - Radiohead

I miss you so much..

:: 2004 11 March :: 4.41pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: Nine Inch Nails

~~Sweet~~ sixteen.

:: 2004 11 February :: 1.37am
:: Music: A Perfect Circle

You mouth your favorite words as I drag my teeth across your skin.

:: 2004 25 January :: 6.36pm

I guess I'm going to be around more..

:: 2003 25 December :: 4.45am

Happy Christmas.

:: 2003 1 June :: 4.32pm

Doubt I'll be around much..

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