:: 2005 7 May :: 1.46 am

i'm lit.

Maybe I'm too idealistic. or i just get lost without words. The petals are falling and we haven't even noticed. wilted days upon us. in a pile there on the table. notice that. notice much. notice fast. once we forget that. we're no good. we laugh with no intentions. words left untouched for the better of two worlds. my world wasn't ready to fall apart. entwined fingertips. thumb wars and banter.just move it to the side like that. lifeless petals. pretend you can see. human nature's ultimate flaw. oblivious to soft petals beneath a palm. crushed and brushed away. away where we won't cry anymore.

want to dance?

:: 2005 3 May :: 8.22 pm

My heart beat tends to whimper when i look in those eyes. a hundred years before i knew how to see. blurred color printed along pitiful images with grass stains and burned emotions. i suppose it was always suppose to be that way. you never came to your senses and i never listened. my rose colored glass smeared in lipstick. in fields of open oppurtunities, i let you shatter me along. i hope one day, we'll pick up some pieces.

weirdo.

want to dance?

:: 2005 25 April :: 8.39 pm

i would like to return 103 memories. of all shapes and sizes. not compatible with who i am.
flashes of light bounce of the wall. small flickers of hope. sitting in the same cramped spot near the closet. molly stop whining. you could smell it on his breath, it was what our parents warned us of becoming. another statistic. a broken home with a white fence. don't break the silence. counting fallen petals and reciting songs i wish i heard. just until he settles. strong mildew tickling my nose and automatic tears rush to their call. five oclock. rush hour here. i count the years left on my right hand. and i whisper like someone was listening "just until he settles."
i've never been one for white fences.

want to dance?

:: 2005 16 April :: 9.57 am

Notice we never blink when chaos fills our blood.
we are soft skinned warriors with hidden razor blade mangled in our eyes. be careful what you've always wished for. clenched teeth among a room of bitten tongues, our soapbox was revoked but hopeful eyes make us rise to the occasion. Beyond our piles of loose leafed messes of ugly thoughts bouquets of surprised flowers regain our composure. breathe. and sigh...
We're beautiful. (for what it's worth.)

want to dance?

:: 2005 10 February :: 7.37 pm

i think i'm deleting you. you are full of memories. it makes me sad.

3 bow out. | want to dance?

:: 2005 28 January :: 4.51 pm

how many times can my head hit the pavement before i realize.

i'll take every smile and mail it back to you. because i can't stand the way i know i'm stubborn. each morning a unknowing sun graces me with thoughts of how to remember ME again. Nothing has been normal. I pretend alright, i always had that confused with you. I'm a good actress and you knew me too well. loose photographs hang from my conscience written with dates in washable marker. Collected rocks and stupid songs hold trohpy for this victory. We were taught to protect ourselves from others not from ourselves. with designer drugs in our pockets. we close our eyes and look the other way. That way we have time to remove the marker stains from our hands. (and it all goes back to the sun...)

want to dance?

:: 2005 21 January :: 5.56 pm

welcome to the planet. welcome to exsistence. everyone's here.
someday i realize i'm not just a shadow to people. i can't wait to meaningful and needed. you know? i'm in one of "those" moods today. i don't know. i seriously can't just wait to live. i feel like i'm dying. i feel like i'm gonna cut my entire life short sometimes. sometimes i don't know who to talk to. sometimes i just cry. and it's ok. nothing is wrong with crying. nothing at all. it's just the matter of feeling it slip eyes and onto your cheeks which allows a slight feeling of security.
arg i dno. i want to take pictures but it's too late. and everyone is out at thet show, which i couldn't bring myself to go to....


so i'm just gonna chill with my brother.

1 bow out. | want to dance?

:: 2005 18 January :: 5.50 pm

{((beauty)) was <> m$e$a$nt to be under.S.tood because it was
i was toying around with my keyboard today. i love that.
today i was out looking at the sky and i was absolutely consumed with happiness. The sky, such a simple and well trivial sight, looked as if it had fallen into a watercolor painting. it was so beautiful.
thus far today, i am feeling good.it's nice to have day off away from the 9's. i can relax without a care.
psych midterm tomorrow. bah. i hate "d". faggot.
welp. i'm gonna go rock out to some phantom of the opera. oh i'm such a geek. O_o

want to dance?

:: 2005 7 January :: 2.02 pm

sometimes. i. just. want. to. scream.
so fucking loud. and i want someone to actually hear me. i'm sucha drama queen. i want to write some apologies right now.

to dblock. i'm sorry for alienating me from you. you are such a good person. and i have stupid insecurities that you will never understand because quite frankly not many people do. and i smile when i hear happy things about you and your love. and you deserve to be happy. and even if you don't read this i want, wish i could rewind the last 2 months and include you in my memory. i take all the blame but this is who i am and sometimes i wish that wasn't so. but regardlesss i love you.

to dan. i'm sorry i will never allow myself to be the best friend i should be. i know you would never hold that against me because your a beautiful person and beautiful people understand emotion. thank you for every single attempt to turn my pessimitic views into some small ray of hope, you truly can be deemed an angel in my book. my lil songbird <3 i love you xoxox.

maybe after i clean out my head i'll realize what i'm searching for. soemtimes i wish that things were exactly how they were a year ago today. and i still kinda wish they were. we were all so happy. soo happy. and now we're all gorwn apart. the table for four will NEVER exsist. for me, it hurts way too much. i'll miss every memory. every last one. from long conversations to endless hours of shopping. my life will always be brighter when the four of us kept each others names on the tip of our tongues.

i'll never know what to say to you. that's just how it's gotta end.

2 bow out. | want to dance?

:: 2004 10 December :: 10.00 pm

i just feel like writing. feel like spilling all my guts till i can't feel a thing. i don't want people to feel bad for me and i don't mean by any means to bring people down. i blame it on the lack of sun i am recieving it can make a girl lose her cool. maybe i should teach myself to expect less from people and you will never be let down. ever.

i hate being let down. :-/

1 bow out. | want to dance?

:: 2004 7 December :: 7.18 am

erm. i not really a big fan of this whole new setup. i get very confused O_o

today we have a 2 hour delay but i got up and ready for school. what a nerd.

spinning frantically to focus on what counts. a bouquet of everything i've always dreamt to have. useless junk with hidden beauty. something worth framing and hanging above my mantle. i'm about as adult as i want to be and i can feel the kid in me running in my veins. no one said growing up was easy. but that's not what we should be scared about, it's the growing apart that worries me. i've lost too much. and i refuse to drop this ball again. rather wrap it tight and place it on my christmas tree for the whole wide world to see.


i'm gonna make me some toast.

want to dance?

:: 2004 1 December :: 5.10 pm

i wave goodbye to short comings and everything that goes wrong in traffic. there is only so much room for improvement before you need to build another self. i'm okay and that's what's great about it. i have lip stained tea cups still ringing with sounds of laughter. i have countless moments i can ramble on about life and not feel strange. i have perfect morning kisses. i have christmas tree and names on all the stockings. i have an ok life. i won't paint it any brighter and wouldn't tone a drop. there are some shadows but every small detail has made this beautiful. a life i can call my own.


watched some care bears with matt. going to deliver a pizza with snugs <3 shopping with mooma later. knowing danni is dancing tonight. and getting a pizza later! today turned terrific!

1 bow out. | want to dance?

:: 2004 23 November :: 8.28 pm

and we'll fall apart to pieces together because we don't know any different. and never dreamt you could. we'll be strong and that's the way we're built. never doubt yourself. i'd fall for all your greatest heights because i know you'll fall for mine.


erm. lemme see. things are odd. not bad. not good. odd. strangely odd. but i'm ok. you know?
it's conflicting emotion it gets you every time.
thanksgivings coming soon. i'm pumped. the ultimate muchie day.

i'm off to be artistic.

3 bow out. | want to dance?

:: 2004 22 November :: 5.50 pm

it's a funny song. i never get it right.
i've always been one to wonder. one to stray.
it's the extra smile or sparkle in their eyes. maybe i want this too much. not feeling the same as i alway have. not breaking. sight seeing. i'm not that girl. i wasn't made to detour. i keep whispering all these promises to myself. i need to stay stronger and we'll stay afloat or we won't surface. and i'll lose my breath and fall again. i'll change the subject, and let tears roll tucked away in bed. like my reality through my words. the countless words i don't write about you. pages upon pages, i'd still smear the ink. and you'll repile me. i'll stay high for days off your words. maybe i was right, it is a funny song.

<3 mondays.

want to dance?

:: 2004 7 November :: 4.18 pm

you count your spare change and this is all i am.
46 cents you found under your seat. i never thought i would feel like a burden to you. a no return address. maybe this is how it always felt. just all the glitter and shine did a a good job hiding it. a good job keeping down all the whisper my heart has told me. i feel so untouched. yet so broken. i never want to climb this mountain again. i'm here now screaming for anyone to hear. they never do. it's always me and the sky a constand battle of the unspoken. a forgotten. i want to know you smile when i call. but you'll roll your eyes and wipe away each tear from eye like your getting paid to pretend. when did this all stop being. so real.




in a bad mood. i just can't fn do this.

want to dance?