I should be upset.
Massively upset.
In tears.
Hating myself.
But you know what?
I'm not.

So I fell in love with my best friend.
So my best friend happened to reciprocate those feelings.
So he happens to be everything I've dreamed of and so much more.
So what?

This is what makes me happy.
He's the one who makes me feel complete.
For once I'm not torn apart, but held together.

He's the Jack to my Rose.
The Noah to my Ally.
The Edward to my Bella.
The Aragorn to my Arwen.
The Christian to my Satine.
The Jack to my Sally.
The Squall to my Rinoa.
The Cloud to my Aeris.
The Tidus to my Yuna.
The Peter to my MJ.
The Steve to my Claire.
The Phantom to my Christine.
... Yes, I liked the phantom better...

Okay... I just felt like listing a bunch of those to see how many I could come up with. I could probably come up with more too, that's the sad part. xD

But in conclusion, he's the October to my April.
My other half in every possible way.

After watching Titanic together tonight (yes, we're dorks) we just laid together on his bed, his room dimly lit by the computer. Just the feeling of lying in his arms was absolutely incredible. We just talked sweetly and softly together as we held one another. Both of us had to comment on how seemingly perfect the moment was. It felt like the world, for that one moment, was in perfect balance, and everything was in harmony. Our chests were pressed together and I swore that I could feel his heart beating back against mine. It was like the world stopped spinning for just that moment, and we were the only two in existance.

It's so nice to have someone like him in my life. It's amazing to be loved the way I love in return. To have someone who enjoys spending time with me, someone who can express how they feel, someone who communicates openly with me, someone who pays attention to what I say and remembers even the littlest things that I mention, someone who can say sweet little things to make me smile even when I'm feeling miserable. Just... *sigh* I can't even put into words how happy having him makes me.

As long as I have him, anything is possible, and I hope his arms will always be my home. <3

It is so fucking on!
Jim is a total douchebag.
End of story.
Mike is amazing.
Jenny is too.
And so is John.
End of story.
Who's the bitch now?

You know what?
I came to a realization tonight.
Yes, another one.

Okay, it's actually the same one, but it seems to keep hitting me.
Everyone else seems to see it but me.

Why?
Because I try to deny it.
I keep trying to defend him, because I know I'll feel guilty for hurting him.

But in the end, I know they're right.
I do deserve better. I deserve to be with someone who will make me happy.
I'm not happy with where I am now, and people can see it.

So they ask "Why the hell are you still with him?"
And I'm like "You're right. Why AM I? o.o"

So it's official.
This is going to end, hopefully sooner rather than later.

I have someone amazing waiting for me, and I can't wait to call him mine.

I love you Michael! <3

A pretty picture, but nothing more...
So I came to a realization tonight. Everything over this past year, including the person I was, has been a complete lie, an act and nothing more. Want to know the funniest part? I even fooled myself. I thought that the person I was becoming was the person I wanted to be. I completely lost sight of who I was. I alienated myself from most others and did nothing but focused on trying to get a job so that I could save up money and leave this town behind.

I didn't realize that he was the reason I was changing...

But then I realized something. I took two seconds to separate my desires from his, and I realized that we didn't really want the same things. He wants to get away from his life, to escape. He wants to go away and learn, get another degree, and make more money to drown himself and his greedy ways in. Then in what way, shape, or form does he even need me by his side?

My realization? He doesn't. "Our" life doesn't concern him. It might as well just be his life, which just happens to include me. He doesn't care what I want in life. If it doesn't revolve around him, he wants nothing to do with it. I'm not about to just let my life pass me by just to give him what he wants. Even if I do love him, no man is worth that price.

So I told him I won't be moving with him next year. I'm staying right here in my hometown and going back to community college in the spring. Let's face it, I don't have the money to move across the country, nor do I have the time to save up that amount of money. It's just a ridiculous thought. It was a dream, but in time everyone eventually has to wake up.

Plus, I'd miss the snow. :P

So what's going to happen to us? We'll eventually drift apart. I'll have to let him go, and we'll both just have to move on with our lives. He shouldn't have too much of a problem doing this, but for some reason, I really dread hurting him. I don't want him to ever hurt, but I know that a future with him just won't make me happy. I can just feel that it won't.

I've found someone in my life recently... Someone who I love very dearly. Someone who helped me find myself again. He helped me see that I was just pretending that everything was okay, and that who I was pretending to be wasn't really who I was. In finding him, I found myself. Is that really such a bad thing?

For the first time in a long time, I feel whole. Like for the longest time, part of me was missing and I didn't even know it. But when I looked in his eyes, I knew I was home.

And I know that this is the future that will make me happy, and it was right here the whole time. It was deep inside the heart of the best friend who I should have known would have stolen my heart in the end.

I'm home.

<3

44, 44, 44.
Okay, this just happened, so I felt the need to blog it.

My last few blogs have only been like... well... a few lines of some emotional, sentimental stuff, but this is just hilarious.

Mike was just driving, rushing to get me home and get back to his work meeting on time, when he got pulled over for speeding. We knew that WickedFast couldn't be ticket-free forever. Not with the way Mike speeds. XD

The speed limit was 25. Mike was doing 44.

So the cop asks him, "Are you the owner of this vehicle? It says that the owner of this vehicle is 49 years old. Are you 49 years old?" And Mike's all "... No. o.o" Then as the cop went back to his car for a minute, Mike was all "Wtf...? Well, I have registration. *Pulls out of glovebox*" Haha! So yeah, apparently the cop looked up the wrong license place number.

Then on the ticket that he gave Mike, under remarks, it just said "44, 44, 44." XD!

Me: It says "44, 44, 44." I wonder what the hell that means. o.o
Mike: Um, probably that I was doing 44?

It was hilarious. It was almost like the cop was scolding him like a little kid for speeding. XD And it's a week before his 20th birthday too! He almost made it to 20 without a [caught] traffic violation. Trust me, I've seen him make a few. lol! So I told him jokingly that maybe me and John could try to help pay off his ticket for his birthday present. Then Mike was just like "Well, there goes my birthday money..." Haha!

Yeeeah, that's about it. I just felt the need to blog that. :D

Mr. Greenleaf, I do declare!

~ Squallet

So it stormed last night... o.o
The thunder crashes loudly and threateningly.
But then I feel your arms around me, holding me close.
Concern. Protection. Love.

I've never felt more cared for in my life. ♥

Somewhere along the way
We fell in love.
I barely even know you.
Yet I feel I know everything I need to know.
We collide.
Beautifully.
I truly don't mind.

This moment is everything.
The rain pours down.
We don't care.
It runs down our skin.
We don't care.
It soaks our clothes.
We don't care.
It drenches our hair.
And we just don't care.
Drowning in your eyes.
Your lips against mine.
Your arms around my back.
My hands at your neck.
Holding each other tightly.
Feeling loved.
Feeling wanted.
The pouring rain is insignificant.
You're all that exists in this moment.
In this moment, you're my world.
This, the last waltz, is all that matters.
Everything else is gone.
And I simply do not care.

I'm falling.
Hard and fast.
End of story.
There's no other way to explain it.
My heart is pounding faster.
My lips are always turned up in a smile.
My cheeks are constantly flushing red.
Before I fall asleep, it's all that floods my mind.
And I think this must be what it feels like.
What it's like to be alive.
It's wrong, but so right.
I don't want to let it go.
We can never be.
But for tonight, at least I can dream.

If only Finland were a little closer... o.o

Like a bullet you can hurt me, take me, brake me.
Like fire you can burn me, convert me.
Like a bullet you can hurt me.

This lyric just kind of stuck out to me today. I've listened to the song a hundred times or more, and yet, this is the first time it really struck me. Interesting, no?

And... my laptop is making this very faint grinding noise. I think it's the fan. o.o You can't hear it unless you press your ear against it though. Wonderful.

So I did some more job hunting yesterday! All in all, I only found four places that gave me paper applications. Several more told me to apply online, and the remainder weren't hiring or accepting applications. The good news? One of the places that gave me an application actually seems very promising! The lady who gave me the application seemed really nice, and the first thing she said was that the store REALLY needs daytime workers badly right now. So she told me that if I mark on my application that I'm available to work days, they'd probably put me at the top of the list, but that it might take a few weeks. I don't mind that at ALL as long as I would get hired! lol! It's at a Bath and Bodyworks store near my house. Truth be told, I REALLY hope I can land a job there. That's somewhere that I definitely wouldn't mind working! :D

So my hopes are really high right now! If I can get a solid job there and save up money to move by next May, that would be amazing! I can't believe that this winter may be the last time I see snow for a few years. Once we're done with school out in Arizona, we are SO moving somewhere where it snows. No more desert! Plus, I'm going to have kids some day. You think I'd deny them the delight of getting SNOW DAYS?! I don't think so! xD

Jim and I are going to start planning our trip to Arizona tonight. The more I think about going out there, the more nervous I get. Odds are that I'll get out there and it'll probably actually be really nice. The idea of the summers out there is torture though! Maybe I'll come home for the summers if I have the money. Come visit my family and whatnot. But we're planning to go check out the school in January, so it won't be so bad. I don't get how his parents live out there! o.o That's another thing I'm massively nervous about. I'm going to meet his parents, and they're going to hate me. :D Well, his mother will anyway. Man, why do I always have such bad luck with this stuff. D:

"What did I do yesterday?" you ask? Ok, so you didn't ask, but I'm going to tell you anyway. As I previously mentioned, I did some job hunting. Afterwards, Mike picked me up and we went over to John's house. Shortly after we arrived, Eric arrived. We got bored of sitting downstairs pretty quickly, so we went outside and ended up playing hide and seek in the dark for a good half hour or more around John's house. It was epic.

Then we went back downstairs and sort of split up. John and Eric played with some music editing, while me and Mike played some PS3. After a short amount of Devil May Cry 4, we ended up getting bored, so we left at about 1:30 AM. It worked, since I had to be home by 2 anyway. Then I ended up calling home and being allowed out until 3-ish anyway, so Mike and I went for an adventure out in the middle of nowhere. It was pretty creepy! We were driving through the woods where there were no other cars, no houses, no street lights, nothing. It was out around Brecksville where his grandparents live. And then there was this one creepy side road we took that apparently only one person lives down. Here's how that conversation went.

Mike: Yeah, this road is really creepy! Only like, one person lives down here.
Me: No, there's two houses down here, see? *points*
Mike: Yeah, but that one is abandoned.
Me: ... Then why is there a light on in the window...? o.o
Mike: *Drives a little faster*

By the time we got to the end of the road, Mike thought he spotted something white out of the corner of his eyes, and he floored it the hell out of there doing 60. XD

Then there was the ghost town that we didn't get to go to! And it was all creepy and foggy and a barely got to see it! Apparently we got right before it and then turned around because we came to railroad tracks. But he's like "Wait... I remember there were railroad tracks before it... *turns around and books it*" That was mildly amusing. All we could keep thinking about was hoping we didn't see cars pulled off on the side of the road dumping bodies in the woods. Of course, then we drive past a big open field and I was a little relieved.

Me: Phew! Big open field! That makes me feel a little better than the creepy woods did!
Mike: *Snickers a little bit* Nevermind.
Me: What?
Mike: ... You can bury bodies in a big open field.
Me: Thanks Mike. >.>

All in all, it was a rather amusing adventure, which ended up with us rewriting the words to "In The Shadows" by The Rasmus to something like:

"They are watching
They are waiting
In the shadows
For our car to stall
Then they will hide
Our bloody bodies
In the shadows
Of the woods"

Yeah, we're not weird. Just paranoid. Lmao! It helped ease the creepiness a little bit though. And that reminds me, I forgot to mention how his car stalled in the middle of the woods. So he had to restart it, and for the few seconds it was off, we were just in pitch black in the middle of the woods. Doors locked, windows up, but moon roof open. XD

Alright, now I'm babbling, so I'm just going to wrap this up and say one thing. I love Jim. Why? Because he's amazing. End of story. :D

~ Squallet

HOORAY!!!
Yeah.
That's right.
My journal now plays a shit ton of songs by The Rasmus.
Why?
Because I can.
So yeah.
The dance music will probably make a return eventually.
But for now, enjoy some music from my favorite band. :]
I'm more of a fan of their material from 2001-present.
But I threw some of their pre-Into stuff on here too. Wtfn?
I'm off to go get a shower and do some more job hunting.
Fare thee well!~

~ Squallet

A day full of nothing... o.o
Thaaaat's pretty much what today was.
I did nothing productive. At all.
I massively slept in.
Then FlyFFed almost all day with Jim.
I went over John's for a few hours and played GTA4 with him.
Then I went home and did some more nothing.
Now, I'm tired as all fuck.
It was nice just talking to Jim all day though since both of us were home all day. :]
It's funny how he can piss me off so much one day, and be so wonderful the next.
Oh well, it's give and take, and we grow more and more together every day.
He can be an insensitive asshole, but I love him.
Especially on days like today, when I remember exactly why I fell for him in the first place. ;D
Well, I have more job hunting to do tomorrow, and possibly epic adventures with Mike.
Until then, here's some pics from our last adventure. xD


John looks like he's going to kill. Mike looks like he's going to kill himself. xD


Mike was caught in the act. Air guitaring.


The best picture of Mike ever. :D


Hoe vs. Pitchfork


An epic shot of John looking all modelesque.


John and his number one fan!


John's a-firin' his lasaaaar! *SHOOP DA WHOOP!*

Hooray for randomness! xD
Well, I'm off to get sleep now!
Night!~

~ Squallet

You know what?
He needs to go fuck himself.
Seriously.
I can't even find it in me to explain why he's a fucking ass.
But he just needs to go fuck himself.
Well, fine. My phone's off. I'm not talking to him anymore today.
He can go be an ass with someone else. Whatever.
I miss my ex. Sure, he's an ass too, but at least he fucking gave a shit.
I hope he gets hit by a bus. >.>

~ Squallet

Air guitar, shooting star!
Alrighty there people, it's time for an update on my day!

Basically, I've never seen more of a complete 180 of a day in my life.

This morning I felt HORRIBLE. Then I texted Mike a little bit, and he helped me feel a little better by telling me that once me and Jim move in together and get things settled, things will probably be a lot smoother between us. I thought it through and figured that he was probably right.

Still, the rest of the day, I couldn't help but still feel like Jim's feelings for me weren't what they used to be. :\

So I get a call from Tawny because she needed a ride home from her friend's house. No big. I gave her one. Then after that, me and my dad headed out to my sister's house because it was her birthday today. We didn't really stay long, but we brought her a cake and hung out there for a few minutes, just to see her and tell her happy birthday.

Then my dad makes me drive home. Mind you, I LOVE driving, just not with him. He's the one that taught me how to drive, so I feel nervous driving with him. That and he critiques everything I do. >.> I know how to not ram into other cars on the highway, thank you very much.

Still, things were okayish. By the time I got home, Mike was there to pick me up so we could go hang out with John. Those two make my days so much brighter. Though Mike showed me some scars today that I didn't really like... :< If I catch him doing that again, I'm going to punch him! lol.

So yeah, we all went over John's house for a little bit and played with Mike's telescope again. He didn't totally mess it up this time! It was because this time, John and I didn't let him touch anything. Last time he played with the levers, he killed the moon. o.o

But before we went outside and played with the telescope, I ended up [accidentally] ditching them for an hour to talk to Jim on the phone. Why? Because I needed to. The way things have been lately, I REALLY needed to talk things out with him. And you know what? After I did, things seemed to get MUCH better. Jim was being really nice, and he was making me laugh, and it was just a great feeling. I asked him how he felt and he said he felt that I was stupid for worrying about how he feels. So I asked him again, and told him to be serious this time, and he told me that he loves me from the bottom of his heart, and that he always wants to be with me, and that he can't wait to move away with me so we can be on our own together. Yes, it made me aww.

So I told him how I've been feeling, he told me how he felt, admitted to being a little off since last week, and now he seems to be back to his normal, happy, dorky self. I'm expecting a call from him in the morning, so I'm going to go get some sleep. I also need to sleep as much as I can, seeing as how me, Mike, and John are going to try to stay out as late as we possibly can tomorrow night. That will be fun! Hopefully it'll take my mind off of the fact that Jim will be hanging out with his ex. >.> Sure, she's married now, and they'll probably be hanging out with her husband, but it still makes me feel REALLY awkward, especially seeing as how he nearly slept with her. Nyeh, I'd rather not think about it. *shudders* Thinking about him like that with anyone else just makes me cringe. I'm sure he'd feel the same way if I told him I was hanging out with Josh. It would lead to him thinking about my past with him, and he'd probably cringe too. But Mike and John are pretty amazing at making everything epic, so keeping my brain occupied shouldn't be a problem.

Until then, hasta la see ya! :P

~ Squallet

Hooray for lameness!
The past few days have been completely lame. Worse than lame. They've been just completely unbearable. I've never felt more like dying than I have in the past few days, and trust me, I'm usually a pretty optimistic person. >.>

Ever since Jim left on Sunday, things have been pretty horrible. It seems that the only time I'm finding any sense of joy in life is when I'm spending time with Mike and John. Thank God for them, because if I didn't have them right now, I don't know what I'd do.

Things have been COMPLETELY off since yesterday. My cell phone broke, so Jim and I decided that I should go to the Sprint store to see about getting a new one and renewing my contract, etc. He wanted them to charge it to his account but they couldn't do that, so I needed money up front. I ran home to see if I could borrow the money from my dad before the store closed. So he loaned me the $200 I needed, and Jim went and put $200 in my bank account so I could pay my dad back the next day, since he needed it for rent. Mind you, I'm paying Jim back in full as soon as I can.

Then things get fun! :D I start to play with the phone, which is the LG Rumor2, and realize "HEY! I can't take video on this thing anymore!", like I could do with the original Rumor. That right there was a MASSIVE bummer. And then I realized "Hey, without video on here, I can't have my own ringtones like I used to be able to!" On top of it all, I sold my original Rumor back to them for $24, which isn't a bad deal considering that I couldn't even get it to turn on, really. But then I realized that I had saved texts from Jim in there that meant a lot to me, some that were about a year old when we first got back together and he actually used to tell me sweet things. Anytime I looked through those, they always made me smile. Now they're gone, and I'll probably never hear some of those things again. I just don't even think he wants to be with me anymore sometimes.

Don't rush off! It gets even better! :D Ever since I got the phone, I get to feel like Jim hates me. I didn't know what the fuck to do. We agreed that I should try to go get that phone, because he knew that without a cell phone, he wouldn't be able to talk to me, seeing as how my house phone doesn't work and we don't have long distance. Wtf? If I'd known he was going to be such an ass about it, I wouldn't have fucking gotten the new phone. You know what? I don't even fucking want it anymore. He can have it and give it to someone he likes, because obviously I don't fall into that category anymore. I know he's frustrated with everything, trying to get ready to move with me and everything, and he says that's really the only thing he's looking forward to, which made me smile a bit. But still, shouldn't I feel like I'm more important to him than his wallet? :\

I don't even know what to do with all of it right now. I don't even feel like I'm in a relationship with him anymore. It feels more like we're just two people who are stuck together, not two people who want to be together. I just really hope I'm wrong about that. :<

On top of that, I got home last night from spending a little time with John and Mike, trying to feel better from such a crappy night. I talked to Jim for a little bit, still feeling like he hates me, and then I started to pass out. What then? My dad comes into my room and starts bitching at me, while I'm sleeping, about how I was supposed to work on something when I got home. What? MY OWN MUSIC. Dude. It's like... It's MY song. I can't just work on music on command. He wants me to get it done so that my mom will stop complaining about wanting to hear it when it's finished. So he didn't help me feel any better.

In conclusion, I feel like a massive waste of space right now, who nobody wants anything to do with. Yay? Well, that's not true. I have Mike and John. They like me, most days. xD

One thing did cheer me up a little today. I got a message from this really nice guy that I haven't heard from in a while. It didn't say anything especially nice, but he said that he appreciated the time and thought that went into this really long message that I sent him yesterday. I've missed talking to him so much. He always made my worst days a little better. Anyway, he still needs time to think over what I said, so I'm not getting any immediate responses, but that's good enough for me. Just hearing from him made things a little better, even though at first I was terrified to see that he responded. I was expecting him to be all "Rawr! I hate you!" or something. o.o

And STILL no job. WONDERFUL!! I need one ASAP!! Maybe once I pay Jim back, he'll go back to liking me again. >.>

Whatever.

~ Squallet

YAY!!! Finally!!!
For the first time in weeks, I actally managed to sleep through the night! :D

No, staying up through the entire day yesterday didn't happen. I ended up passing up at around 3 PM. But then I woke up at 8 PM so I was still a little tired. Called Jim, talked, FlyFFed. Then I began to pass out again around 2 AM, so I took advantage of it, got off the computer, laid down, and managed to fall back asleep. I woke up this morning at about 7:30 AM feeling pretty good. I was just super excited to wake up and actually see the SUN RISING!! :D

Ahh, The Rasmus. My all-time favorite band. <3 I REALLY wish that they would come back to the US. They haven't played here, meaning in my city specifically, since October 2006. :< They just finished touring for their latest album, Black Roses, a month or so ago with their last shows played over in Europe. Right now they're taking a small break to spend some time to themselves. The duet that they did with Anette Olzon of Nightwish should be out soon. Yay! I'm SO looking forward to that. :D

They're also working on some material and might even have another album out by 2010. Let's just hope that more shows are coming up soon and that they decide to come to the US! Something that I never thought possible has happened! I've actually turned some of my friends into fans of The Rasmus! When I started listening to them, nobody really knew who they were. Ever since Black Roses came out, I've been trying to gain them some recognition here. And now, I finally have a small group of people who definitely want to go see them with me the next time they play a show here, including Mike, Tawny, and Ashley. :D

That... is just the freakin' coolest thing ever. Now, they just need to actually play a show here before I move to Arizona! D: If they don't, I AM coming back to Ohio just to see them play here, for the record. I'll just use that "I'm visiting my parents" excuse. Lmao! Nah, I probably will come visit them when that happens. ^^

On another note, I've made a goal for myself. It's a goal that I've already had, but that I've sort of lost sight of. I did a little research yesterday, and determined that if I can burn 500 more calories than I take in every day, I can be down to my target weight in about one year. I could probably do more than that, considering that I don't really eat enough as it is, but it suggests that that's really not a good thing to do. Also, my BMR is 1700, so my body apparently has to take in 1700 calories a day to function properly.

Thus, my goal is to take in those 1700 calories every day, hopefully in food that is on the healthier side, and then to burn 2200+ calories a day through working out and other everyday activities. I used to work out several times a week, but I haven't really been doing so much of it lately.

I have a bike path right across the street from me that stretches on forever, so I'd like to walk/jog/run over there every day. Perhaps break it up and go for a jog in the morning, and then another later on in the evening. I haven't quite figured out what I'm going to do in the winter. My sister has an elliptical machine, but she's usually busy, so I can't get over there every day. It won't be so much of a problem once I move to Arizona, except then I'll have to worry about the summer... Lmao! In addition to that cardio work, I'd like to do a few additional excercises to target certain areas. I need to find myself some dumbbells. o.o

So yeah, I'm going to start keeping track of what I eat and everything, and I'm going to work on getting a scheduled routine together. I'm actually pretty excited to get this planned out. I just hope everything goes according to plan! :P

~ Squallet

Ok, that's it... >.>
You know all that happiness I was talking about earlier? Forget it.
And by the way, no, I never actually got around to sleeping like I wanted to.
Fuck it, I'm just staying up all day. I have planning that I really need to do.
I just got hit with a REALLY massive wave of depression.
I sort of just randomly burst into tears a few seconds ago.
My life is going nowhere. Bottom line.

And it isn't fucking fair that I have to be ready for everything just because he is. He's four fucking years older. He's had time to get ready for all of this.

And stop me if I'm wrong, but doesn't he have mommy and daddy to hand him anything he needs if he ever screws up in life? It's just not fucking fair. He expects me to be on the same level he is, ready to move out on my own and pay for everything when I have NO money saved up yet and no income, because I'm still looking for a job. Wtf?

First of all, my parents are shit poor. Anything I get in life, I have to get it on my own. If I fall on my ass, I don't have anyone to pick me up and help me out. I KNOW my parents WANT to be able to help me, and that they would try to in any way possible, but I know that they just can't.

Who the hell is he to complain about his life? As far as I'm concerned, there's NOTHING wrong with his life. He had his college paid for him, he has two bachelor's degrees, he works a 9-5 job where he earns $43k a year, has medical/dental/vision insurance, AND has a 401k plan going. On top of all of that, he has a family that actually does things together and friends who always invite him to do stuff with them. And all of this STILL isn't enough for him? It won't fucking be enough until he's richer than God with a white picket fence to top it all off. >.>

And then he still has the audacity to go on about how he doesn't have much respect for people who don't work hard. But does he realize that not everybody is as privileged as he is/was. If I could have my parents pay for my education, then hell, I'd be at the four year college of my choice right now, doing REALLY fucking well might I add. Then I would graduate and get my bachelor's and I'd be able to get a good job too. Does he realize that the only shit I'm going to get now is a fucking minimum wage job with no benefits whatsoever? And apparently, I can't even get one of THOSE. I guess nobody wants a hard-working, friendly, respectable girl working for them anymore. I bet if I were pretty that I would have a job by now. >.>

If only I could jump on a one-way track to stardom or something. Trust me, if I had a chance, I could be great. I'm a wonderful singer and I can act fairly well. I'm pretty decent with art and technology. I'm good at picking something up pretty quickly and teaching myself things by experimentation. Hell, if I had a job, I'd probably work harder than most of the people there. I don't just sit around and talk with my coworkers or slack off. I use my time productively. I have a strong sense of honor; I'm very honest. I always respect figures of authority, I'm very agreeable, and I'm very cheerful and people-friendly. So why is it that NOBODY seems to want to hire me?! With my first job, I turned in ONE application, had ONE interview, and got the job. Now, I've turned in about TWENTY applications, had one interview, and NEVER heard back from them. The economy fucking blows.

And yes, I swear a lot on my free time, when I'm alone or with friends/family, but TRUST me, I NEVER talk like that in a work environment. I act VERY professionally. I KNOW I'd be an asset to any company. I can work any hours of any day, and don't even care what the work is [as long as it's not prostituting or killing or something] and yet still NOTHING. My only personal requirement is that they freakin' PAY ME, and I'd prefer to have enough hours to actually save some money up so that I can go back to college next fall. Dear GOD is that too much to ask?!

UGH!!!!!!!!!1!1!!1!!!

Ok, now I think I've ranted just about everything I can. By the way, my depression kick is over and I'm feeling a bit better. Venting on here helped a lot. And somehow Jim went from making me sad and angry to making me laugh about stuff and feel better. What a dork. But I love him. <3

Well, I guess I'm just going to try to stay up all day, so I'm going to go find something to occupy my mind. I'll probably text Mike all morning while he's at work. If I could just stay up long enough for my mom to wake up or my dad to get home, I'd have them to keep me up. xD

Now, to go find some form of substance. Though I'm thinking about just not eating again. I know anorexia isn't healthy, but I just seem to have trouble with every other form of trying to lose weight. And it's not that I don't eat at all, it's just sometimes that I forget that I need to. But it was working for me for a little bit, so maybe I'll do that some more. And I need to start working out again. I haven't been for a while. I wish I knew somebody that I could hang out and work out with. TAWNY! I'm so asking her. xD

Alright earthlings, hope you enjoyed the rant. Signing off!

~ Squallet

Let's go to Texas! XD
It's 3:33 AM, and that's still pretty early for me. o.o

Me and Jen are having some very amusing conversations right now. About cops, and a guy named Guy, and about boyfriends and how they massively suck sometimes. xD

Then again, what's new? Conversations are always amusing when Jen is involved.

I'm actually in a really calm state of mind right now, and there really isn't much on my mind to rant about. o.o

Jim and I figured out today that you can propose to people in FlyFF now. Yeah, I've been playing again the past two nights. So that's amusing.

And woohoo! Only 3 days until he gets here! Well, a little less technically. But yay! Our one year anniversary is this Sunday and I just really can't wait to see him again! Long distance relationships blow! But everything is worth it just to see him for a few days. ^^

Yes, he can be immature and annoying sometimes, and sometimes he can act just plain insensitive and jerkish, but I love him nonetheless, for all the amazing things about him. :D

Well, I'm hitting that limit I wanted to be asleep by. I figure if I get to sleep before 5 AM tonight that I should actually get up by noon or one. I'm trying to sort out my sleeping schedule by the time that Jim gets here. Eep! I can't wait! <3

Omg. That's it. I'm moving to Texas. xD You heard me! I'm so moving in with Jenny. Like.. that would be perfect! o.o I just have to figure out getting a vehicle to actually drive down there with all my shit. I wonder if anyone would loan me money to make the move. It would make my move to Arizona next year a lot less difficult in the long run. Then it would only be moving one state over. Brilliant!

I'll have to think more on this later. Signing off! :D

~ Squallet