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My Ramblings That No One Really Wants To Read

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:: 2005 3 January :: 10.04 pm

I'm officially going on the South Beach diet as of tomorrow morning because I'm just outrageously overweight and I therefore have no energy or desire to do anything and its not good for me. I'd regret it later on. This means no carbs for me for two weeks, and then I can start eating things like brown rice and fruit again. Yay for that. But apparently after two weeks you no longer crave starches or sweets, which are definitely my main problem. So. I will be unhealthy by skipping a food group or two for two weeks, which will fly by, and then I'll be healthier than I was before I started. Yay. This is my plan. I will stick to it. I made myself a promise to lose 30lbs before spring break, and I'm going to hit that. And maybe go further with it. Braeden complains, being all its simple, eat less and exercise more, but you know what? I dont see him working at it, and he's always complaining how he isnt thin enough. So. Nyah to him.

School starts tomorrow and I'm not looking forward to it. But I have to go get ready anyway. I'm going with Mom and she says we're leaving early so I have to go pack and make myself some sort of carb-free lunch because I cant think of anything at school that fits that description.


You aren't supposed to be here! But since you are, leave your thoughts.

:: 2005 2 January :: 6.30 pm

Hi. Last night I spent the night at Jenn's dad's house in Flower Mound. That was cool. Her house is gigantic. Jealous? Not really. I like my house a lot. Its been home for 6 years now, and I've grown to appreciate it. Its the one house that can creek in the middle of the night and not have me freaking out because of it.

..I dont have much else to say. Shortest entry yet. Yay.


You aren't supposed to be here! But since you are, leave your thoughts.

:: 2005 1 January :: 12.48 pm
:: Mood: lonely

So I just talked to Braeden, and he is mad at me. He's allowed to be. Last night could have gone better. I really dislike starting off the new year on a bad note, though. Like one of my best friends being mad. But yeah... its just depressing.

I havent talked to Xander in a long time. Maybe if I never talk to him again I wont have to break up with him really. That's really cowardly of me to do, but I just dont want to have to go through that. Whatever.

Its hard to start a diet when you're depressed. I mean, I'm not really one to eat my feelings, but I dunno. I'm gonna wait til 3 or 4 to eat again though since I ate a couple hours ago.

I whine a lot. Its the undeveloped part of my brain's fault. It makes it so all I think about is myself. Blah. I need to grow out of it right now.

You aren't supposed to be here! But since you are, leave your thoughts.

:: 2005 1 January :: 12.57 am
:: Mood: depressed

So I just got back from Kelly's little party thing about 10 minutes ago. I saw so many cops on the way home, it was insane. But I think I upset Braeden by making him a little late, and that upsets me. It's not the best way to start off the new year. I texted him an apology, but he hasnt texted me back yet. That either means that a) he's not going to forgive me today, or b) he's typing me a very long response of either hostile or amiable nature. There is a very small possibility of c) he's getting lectured and cant really be texting me right now, but I dont think that's the case. When I got home 15 minutes late, I said hi to Dad, looked at the clock and remembered I was late, and apologized, but he said he didnt care and that I was home fairly early for New Year's. So hopefully his parents wont lay it on him too bad that he was a whole 6 minutes late. He even called! So yeah. The party was pretty good though. I mean, nothing terrible happened, no one was molested, and we didnt get in trouble for lighting a couple fireworks. So I'm not really complaining about it. Kelly wanted me to spend the night though, and aside the fact that Dad said he didnt find that necessary, I wasnt really in the mood anymore. A sad Brae means Mindy is not really in the mood for more partying. And that's not because I like him or anything, its just because I care about him, and I'd be this way if anyone I cared about was upset, especially if it was possibly because of something I did. I hate for people to be sad and stuff. Earlier Braeden threatened me with breaking off our friendship, but I dont know if he noticed my eyes getting watery or not. He means a lot to me. I've been pretty mean to him recently, but I think that's my PMS kicking in pretty late. It makes me sad though that now he isnt quite as much into all the silly holding hands or hugging or whatever we did before. I miss it. I mean, he's got loads of other friends kissing his feet and giving him hugs and things, but I dont. I know he would deny that he's got other close friends, but he does. Ones that are better than me, attitude-wise and influence-wise. And they arent such teenagers, which is how I act pretty much all the time. I just feel like a lousy friend tonight. He deserves a lot better than me. Maybe that can be another of my resolutions; become a better friend and better person. I could start going to church regularly again, work harder at finding a job, do my homework, and try to not be so harsh when it comes to my friends. Because I do appreciate them, even if I rarely show it.

I'm pretty tired. I guess I'm going to leave that alone until the morning. Happy New Year. Hopefully this year will be better than the last. Because although the 2nd half was fairly good, the 1st half was terrible and I dont want it to be that way again this year.


You aren't supposed to be here! But since you are, leave your thoughts.

:: 2004 30 December :: 10.46 am
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: Ben Folds Five- Brick

I went shopping yesterday. Its a real confidence booster to go down a size in jeans. Not only in jeans, but when I hook my bra I get to hook it a little tighter because I'm smaller there too. I mean, it really is probably because I havent been eating, but its nice to think that I lost weight at all. Cause even though I havent been gaining any for a while, its nice to have a change, especially when its a good one. I have this sort-of insane goal to lose 30lbs before the choir trip to Hawaii. I mean, its possible but I'd have to make drastic changes. It would also mean getting up more often than I do. And eating less, particularly cutting off my pasta. Because even though I really dont support Atkins, I eat too much pasta. I should eat more fruit and stuff. And maybe walk down to Bear Creek Park and walk down to 360 like Alexa and I did that one time. It took about an hour and a half. Tis very good for you. And considering how nice the whether has been, it should be pretty easy.

Ugh. So even though I dont see Jason anymore (moved to Austin), or even talk to him directly anymore, or email him, I still read his LJ. And apparently I've missed something, because he's had a boyfriend?! What?! I didnt think I'd broken his heart that much by breaking up with him that he crossed out girls as an option. I mean, I know he's got a girlfriend now, but he did not seem the type to become bi. Also since I've broken up with him he's become a pagan. I'm so confused. I like to read about pagans and stuff, but I really dont know if I approve of him becoming one. Its the kind of thing that I feel should be left to roam in my imagination. I dont want it coming into my reality. What a bastard. God, I cant believe he's bi.

Life is crazy. We go back to school in 5 days. Just a year and a half more and I'm done with high school! I'm really trying to decide if that's a good thing or not. At the mall yesterday I was looking at banquet dresses with Kelly. Actually, she has to get two dresses, one for banquets and one for prom. How fun. I cant wait for prom. It'll be so fun. Well, as long as our tickets arent extremely expensive. Whatever. I'm going to go clean now. Or, at least eventually. But I'm done updating this either way.


You aren't supposed to be here! But since you are, leave your thoughts.

:: 2004 29 December :: 11.19 am
:: Mood: mellow

Well, I had expected Braeden to already have been by here and left his reaction to some of the things I said. I dunno if he'll think its a big deal or not. I dont think so, because I'm not even sure if I do like him. But still, I really hadnt planned on telling anyone about this journal. I mean, they could easily run across it by accident, but I hadnt really planned on telling people. But I can hardly ever just keep something to myself. So I just had to hint it to him in a private post to him in my livejournal. But I didnt tell him I had posted a secret post, and I didnt give him any hints. But of course last night on the phone I caved and, though I didnt tell him exactly the name of the website, I told him exactly where to find it.

I'm still not hungry. I'd say its cause I stuffed my face with holiday meals while in Houston, but that's not it. Do you think if maybe I just starve myself during this one week every month that I'll lose weight? Very doubtful I guess..and also probably really bad for me. I tend to get dizzy during my period because I dont eat. But my parents dont seem to mind me not eating, considering they're always yelling at me when I do eat. I wonder if I had asked for a gym membership for christmas if they would have given it to me. I think it would be really nice to get to go to that Lifetime Fitness over on 26, where a lot of the kids at school go. I dont blame them. Its brand new and really nice. Robert got a job there.

I just called Kelly (it's now 12:06, I've been updating on and off) and we're going shopping later! I get to get my jeans. Yay. I'm going to buy myself a new sweater too, because I left my old one at Britt's the other day when I helped her pack. So now all I'm waiting for is for Braeden to call me. Which will hopefully be pretty soon. I want to go shopping. And spend time with Kelly because I havent in a really long time. I dont think she's even ridden in my car yet. Sad stuff. But yeah. I'm going to just go take a shower and get dressed and fold my laundry and stuff and wait for Braeden to call.


You aren't supposed to be here! But since you are, leave your thoughts.

:: 2004 28 December :: 11.58 pm
:: Mood: torn

I said true when I told Braeden that I would probably decide that I wasnt tired and wanted to update. Also, because he now knows exactly how to find this, I know he's going to read this so I feel almost obligated to post. Almost. But I want to. I really cant decide if I want to go back and erase some of the stuff I said or not. I really wasnt planning on letting him know that I had that mini-crush on him. I mean, I do and dont at the same time and I just dont know. Its weird. I love him, but I dont think I love him like that. I just like him a little like that. It's hard not to though, I mean, he's beautiful and clever and honest and talented. But I've always been honest about everything with him, so I dont suppose this should be any different than that. Mostly because I guess it has the potential to ruin what he and I already have, which I am honestly completely happy with. I love being one of his really close friends. It makes me happy. Sometimes it feels like the only thing that makes me worthwhile is the fact that I mean so much to a couple other people. Last year I was really depressed from school and Xander and things, but Maria and Kelly were going through the same sort of things (minus the crappy boyfriend..), so having close friends was good because we got through it all together and now things are much better. A million times better, really. Towards the end of last year it was terrible. I was miserable and hardly got out of bed every morning. I was absent loads last year, as well. Half of the time because I was avoiding something. It was bad. We'll leave it at that.

So I wanted to go apply for a job, but you had to be 18 to work there and it made me pretty sad. I would have liked to work there. I probably wont be able to get a job until Mr. A helps me get one at Barnes & Noble in february. Ugh. I hate depending on him for things like that. I hate depending on him at all. Why else would I teach myself all-state music? I'm all about self-help. I would question why Braeden doesnt get help with music stuff from his mom, but then again its probably a lot like me getting help from my mom on spanish stuff. Like I was actually going to ask. I did everything myself and made good grades on my own. It was nice to be able to deny, truthfully, that my mother had helped me. She never did. So yeah, that's one question I will never have to ask Braeden about. Some things I cant help but question when it comes to him because I just dont understand. Kind of like my Kerry-supporting Aunt Joan asking my Bush-supporting parents why people vote for Bush. She just doesnt understand why. But yeah. So yep.

Wow, this has ended up being a lot longer than I expected. Braeden, if you didnt notice, I was trying really hard to not just talk to you like I am now. But now you can see how my personal entries end up. Going from topic to topic like my thoughts. Its like seeing the inside of my head and seeing right into my life and I dont know if I regret letting you in yet or not. We'll just have to see.


1 thought | You aren't supposed to be here! But since you are, leave your thoughts.

:: 2004 28 December :: 10.18 am
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: POTO- The Point of No Return

So I didnt dream again last night. It makes me sad, because now that I'm actually wanting to write down my dreams, I dont have any dreams at all! Its kind of sad.

I hate my nails a lot. I had 3 normal nails on each hand, and then both my ring fingers and my pinkies had just extremely long nails so I tried to cut them down to the length the others were, and now I think the pinkies are too short, but whatever. I really need to just get someone else to do my nails on a regular basis so that I dont have to. Oh well. That's another thing to put on my list of things I will do when I'm rich, or at least have some source of income.

I dont really have anything else to say, mostly because I updated last night right before I went to bed. So nothing has really I'm done.


You aren't supposed to be here! But since you are, leave your thoughts.

:: 2004 28 December :: 12.00 pm
:: Mood: full
:: Music: POTO- Say You Love Me

Yay for being home. I got home around 7:10, and was out of my house around 7:25, heading over to Brittney's to say goodbye. But she wasnt there when I got there so I hung out with her brother Marc until she arrived, and then proceeded to help her pack and find things. We stopped by Brae's, and I almost got a pair of his boxers but then he took them back. Party pooper. I dont think he called me tonight either which is kind of depressing. Then again, I was talking to him in person when I generally would have been talking to him on the phone. So whatever. I'll talk to him tomorrow to make plans for something during this break, because we only have a week left before we have to go back to school! Ugh, school. This year has been much better than last, but I'm not really looking forward to going back at all. I'd rather stay on break. Blah. Whatever. I'm depressing myself.

I had this cute daydream earlier where I auditioned for Phantom of the Opera (POTO), because you know, our school is talented enough to do that an all. [/sarcasm] And Smith told me that if I lost some weight, I could be Christine. And with Braeden as Raoul, and Austen as the Phantom, well Mindy would just get lots of kisses and love songs and duets. That would just be so nice. I dunno. Braeden's pretty much converted me to musicals. I hardly listen to anything else. Damn him. I was normal. Now I'm a complete choir nerd AND all I listen to is choir music and musicals. Ugh.

I think its really cute that Braeden likes Stevi. But if he wants to be close friends with her, he needs to get over his romantic feelings for her. Because yes I have semi-romantic feelings for Braeden, but he'd never know because I've always been the way I am around him since I've met him and we petted penguins together. Because it was pretty much Sea World when we really found out that the other existed. And then we didnt really hang out much again until Six Flags, and then we started talking online and hung out with the same people during the summer, and I guess it all just lead to us being best friends. Which is great. I'm not going to let the closeness slip away like I let it do with Kelly. Braeden and I are going to stay close friends all this year, this summer, and next year, and when I've gone off to college and come visit on some weekends to do laundry for free and stuff. And I guess I'll leave my ramblings at that tonight. I really just wanted to say that I'm happy to be home.


You aren't supposed to be here! But since you are, leave your thoughts.

:: 2004 27 December :: 9.48 am
:: Mood: nauseated

I hate my period soooo much. It makes things so hard. Last night I probably got maybe 4 hours of QUALITY sleep. Not to mention, when I got up I got blood on my PJ pants. It will probably (hopefully) come off, and what's good is that it didnt really soak through to the outside much. But grr I really hate my period. And generally I only get cramps the first day and then its fine, but NO. This time I've had cramps non-stop, and I'm feeling sick and fat and tired and achy and blah. I hate it. So all I've had today is a cup of water, and I'm chewing the ice from it right now which doesnt help the fact that I am freezing, even with my sweater on. Maybe its not my period making me feel gross, maybe it's a cold or something. That would make more sense.

My hair is being really gay today. And yesterday! I mean yesterday it had an excuse to be this way, cause I didnt get to brush it, but not today. Rawr. My life just hates me. And what's worse is that there are still 2 hours before we get to leave to go back home. If we leave on time, that is, which we wont if Aunt Joan mentions that political debate she plans on having later today to my dad. Ugh. Stupid politically diverse family.

I have a headache and its time to change my tampon. I'll go do that and then curl up in a corner and die.


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