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:: 2010 1 February :: 4.29 am

In an alternate universe.


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:: 2010 11 January :: 3.04 am

Blink 182
Is it wrong that for my whole entire life, whenever I hear about dogs getting fucked in the ass it will make me smile?
January will always be remembered.

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:: 2010 4 January :: 2.52 am

If I say that there's a guy in Detroit who will kill a person to make fifty dollars, no one argues with me.

If I say there's a guy in Washington who will kill a person to make fifty million dollars, people call me a conspiracy nut.

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:: 2009 26 December :: 3.56 am

You know in cartoons when someone runs through a wall? I'm pretty sure that if I picked a good spot (no studs), I could do that.

P.S. If any programmer is feeling bored, I discovered that you can not find a 40 meter dash to mph converter online. So yeah, that could be fun.

P.P.S. Do you think I'd get any street cred if I beat up Ben Folds? I feel like this also is within the realm of possibility.

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:: 2009 3 December :: 10.32 pm

Cyber Empires, anyone?
Using DOS makes me feel like I am hunting with an atlatl. Especially because I am always impaired and forget the commands. So it's like the first time, every time. I'm like, "What is this primitive device?" and then I use my superior logic skills and I conquer the ancient technology.

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:: 2009 27 November :: 3.17 am
:: Music: Jonathan Coultan - We Will Rock You

Thoughts from the hour in which I had a Woohu tab open.
Fuck Elvis, David Carradine, and anyone else who ever got big for being the best white guy for the job.

I wish I lived in Eastern Europe. From what I've seen, I'd have the best hair and teeth there. I mean, the teeth thing I can understand, you need complicated surgeries and medical equipment and all that for advanced dentistry. But why does everyone have a terrible haircut?

So looking back at Deerhoof's history, I guess they're not my favorite band. But Offend Maggie might be my favorite album. Next step, exchange money for said album.

I am pretty pissed off about all this stuff that society decided without asking me. I mean, who are dead people to tell me what to do?

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:: 2009 11 November :: 3.22 am

The Human Condition: Fear, or Loneliness? Discuss.

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:: 2009 9 November :: 5.54 pm

Recent Events
Recent events are rather uneventful.
Anyone want to become a coyote with me? I've looked up prices, we can charge $2000 a person and be a bargain. It can't be that hard, but we should take some practice hikes beforehand.

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:: 2009 24 October :: 4.30 am

You Say You Want A Revolution
When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to tell its government that we're not going to take its shit anymore,a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that you should get some guns and start lighting shit on fire.
And don't stop until you're free.

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:: 2009 19 October :: 3.44 am

Love makes us act as we are fools.
Looking back and thinking about how much of an asshole I used to be, and didn't know it, I'm forced to consider the very real possibility that I am an asshole today.
At least nowadays I'm never a drunk asshole.

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:: 2009 15 October :: 4.24 am

We Should Be Lovers
If Matt Damon doesn't buy in for his whole roll, there's no fucking movie. I mean, sometimes you just have to take your shot. Even if you end up driving the truck afterward, it's better than filling out your application to be a truck driver without trying.
Also, in the game of life, women are the rake.

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:: 2009 6 October :: 2.36 am

Trust me on this one.
You know those axe commercials where someone sprays on axe and women just start humping them?
If you're really looking for that, febreze is way better.

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:: 2009 29 September :: 4.55 am
:: Music: Cop Killer - Ice T

Gangsta Rap
So I saw this song as #2 for best gangsta songs ever, so I listened to it.
This is some pretty hardcore punk rock to be coming from a chocolate face.

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:: 2009 23 September :: 5.43 am
:: Music: A Little Help From My Friends - The Beatles

X Box Live
So first of all, the whole thing is bullshit. I buy a console, and then I buy a $60 game. The game has shit all for single player content, so I pay $10 for x-box live for three months. Then, if I don't want every game I join to boot me out, I need to buy the map packs for the game. There's 4 of them, for 800 Official Bullshit Xbox Marketplace points a piece. That's roughly $10, depending on how you buy them. So this $60 game costs $3 a month just to play, and then they want another $40 to play it without getting booted from the server every new match.
Long story short, I am going to pay over $500 just to shoot zombies in a factory setting with 3 people I don't know.
Oh yeah, they don't allow you to split screen online. So if me and my bud want to play online, he needs to spend $500 too. Don't give me any shit about limitations to the hardware or whatever. We four way split screened Goldeneye on a TV smaller than the one you probably have in your bathroom back in the day, and we liked it.

So I did the whole xbox live update 20 minutes ago, and then could not get into xbox live. So I turn my router on and off, then try again, I turn the box off then try again, then finally decide to check the website which says "X-Box Live Status: UP AND RUNNING." So I actually click it, and learn some more information. I guess the critical stuff, like Billing, and the X-box Live Marketplace, work just fine. It's just the little bullshit stuff like signing in to xbox live, and matchmaking that's screwing up. You know, the shit they collect the bills for, but not from.

Long story short: Everyone at Microsoft is a goddamn snake oil salesman, and they would knife their own mothers if they thought they could make a profit.

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:: 2009 11 September :: 10.04 pm

"Well," I said, "to absent friends," and finished my scotch.
It wasn't the absent friends, really, that I was drinking to or missing. It was the time of my life where I had thought they were my friends, and that I was theirs, and that that would always matter.
We drank long into the afternoon.

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:: 2009 21 August :: 5.27 am

Why can't anyone admit that Jack Daniels tastes terrible? It's shit whiskey. If you locked me in a room with a bottle of jack and a bottle of soco, I would die of dehydration.

Why don't we have one word for dying because you haven't drank? Don't give me that dehydrated muck either. If you're hungry and say you're starving, that's hyperbole. If you're thirsty and say you're dehydrated, it's true. So they're not really analogs. It seems strange that foodless death gets a word when waterless death doesn't when water is so much more immediately necessary. Maybe it's because it's usually easier to get water than food? I bet there's a word for dehydration death in Arabic. You put a people in the desert for long enough, they'll come up with tons of words for not having enough water, and no words for permafrost.

One day I will make an entry sometime other than early in the morning, and it will still not make sense.
And now for something completely different.

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:: 2009 13 August :: 4.31 pm

Farkish Wisdom
This morning I was awoken by my alarm clock powered by electricity generated by the public power monopoly regulated by the U.S. Department of Energy.

I then took a shower in the clean water provided by a municipal water utility.

After that, I turned on the TV to one of the FCC-regulated channels to see what the National Weather Service of the National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Administration determined the weather was going to be like, using satellites designed, built, and launched by the National Aeronautics and Space Administration.

I watched this while eating my breakfast of U.S. Department of Agriculture-inspected food and taking the drugs which have been determined as safe by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration.

At the appropriate time, as regulated by the U.S. Congress and kept accurate by the National Institute of Standards and Technology and the U.S. Naval Observatory, I get into my National Highway Traffic Safety Administration-approved automobile and set out to work on the roads build by the local, state, and federal Departments of Transportation, possibly stopping to purchase additional fuel of a quality level determined by the Environmental Protection Agency, using legal tender issued by the Federal Reserve Bank.

On the way out the door I deposit any mail I have to be sent out via the U.S. Postal Service and drop the kids off at the public school.

After spending another day not being maimed or killed at work thanks to the workplace regulations imposed by the Department of Labor and the Occupational Safety and Health administration, enjoying another two meals which again do not kill me because of the USDA, I drive my NHTSA car back home on the DOT roads, to my house which has not burned down in my absence because of the state and local building codes and Fire Marshal's inspection, and which has not been plundered of all its valuables thanks to the local police department.

And then I log on to the internet -- which was developed by the Defense Advanced Research Projects Administration -- and post on and Fox News forums about how SOCIALISM in medicine is BAD because the government can't do anything right.

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:: 2009 6 August :: 2.46 pm

They're not gonna catch us. We're on a mission from God.
Why we're in Iraq.

It's just as plausible as anything else I've heard.

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:: 2009 30 July :: 8.05 pm
:: Mood: maudlin

Is it wrong that I tear up a little when I listen to the Ballad of Serenity?
I feel like fox killed my child, and I can never ever know how he would have been when he grew up.

While we're on the subject of songs that make my nipples hard: Sgt. MacKenzie. For reals.

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:: 2009 29 July :: 6.06 am

Theory of Amateur Pornography
I was thinking about amateur porn and I realized that at most, I have uploaded one vaguely pornographic picture to the internet. I don't think you've uploaded any naked pictures of chicks you know either. So who's doing it?
And then it hit me. It was all one man. He has extremely broad sexual interests, he's the worlds greatest ladies man,
and he only wants to share.

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:: 2009 25 July :: 4.24 am


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:: 2009 18 July :: 6.23 am
:: Music: TBS- GRot21C

You know those MASH episodes that were narrated by someone writing home?
So we got the internets hooked up today. Dave bought a computer and that made me want to get ours fixed, so I had Dan take a look at it. It turned out to be pretty simple, the ram was unseated. I hadn't bothered to even look at it after it stopped working, and after a few days you stop missing it.
I already am on too much, but for now I can blame that on catching up on webcomics and such.
Now that I think about it, we've improved our quality of life a substantial amount in the past few weeks, and have only Dave to thank for it. He bought a new bed, and we took his old one, so now we have a king size. He bought box's tv, and a laptop, which is what prompted me to do all the computer fixing and whatnot. So yeah, I'm sleeping better and leisure-ing better than ever before.
So yeah, just a general status update for posterity and for my already failing memories.
I've been dating Amy for almost three years now. I love her a lot. We're living in one of the houses her dad has bought now that they're basically just giving them away. Rent is pretty cheap and that's nice. Dave lives here too, although I don't really hang out with any of the old 30 dayers anymore.
Oh yeah, I turned 21 a month ago, that was pretty cool. I got my entire hand engulfed in flame at the KC. Tips to new drinkers: don't buy flaming shots just cause they sound cool. They are dangerous.
Anyway, I've been hanging out with a lot of guys from work. We mostly just play poker or d&d whilst rocking the ghanj. I actually am awake because I was preparing some shit for a gaming session sometime in the future. It's kind of an indeterminate future though, because Brandon, is in jail due to some sort of bench warrant, and who knows how long it will take to get him out.
Other notable events, I won my first poker tournament last Sunday for the princely sum of $105. I guess it's nice to know that I'll always have a career as a professional poker player to fall back on. :P
Seriously though, I bet I could grind out a decent living on some Atlantic City $5/10 limit games. If only I had like 10k as a bankroll. Just enough money so that I won't have to worry about money until I'm out. It's like in Half-Baked. "We are three reasonably bright young men. There has got to be a way to raise that money legally!" Then half an hour goes by and you can still only think about selling crack or robbing banks.

What American accent do you have?
Your Result: The Inland North

You may think you speak "Standard English straight out of the dictionary" but when you step away from the Great Lakes you get asked annoying questions like "Are you from Wisconsin?" or "Are you from Chicago?" Chances are you call carbonated drinks "pop."

The Northeast
The South
The Midland
North Central
The West
What American accent do you have?
Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

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:: 2009 14 July :: 8.49 am

Life is great. Wooooo.

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:: 2009 29 January :: 11.02 am
:: Music: Ben Harper - Burn One Down

I might be a hippy.
I loved this song as soon as I heard it.
Then I listened to the lyrics.

Burn One Down

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:: 2009 26 January :: 1.22 pm

On Knowing When to Run
I heard something on the radio the other day about people making fortunes, more money than they could spend in three lifetimes, and then losing it. I started thinking about how you can "lose" money. You can only lose money like that when you're still trying to make money with it. You can't make 11 million dollars and then lose it if it's somewhere sensible like a bank, or under your mattress.
The problem is no one ever leaves when they're up. If Warren Buffett loses all his money tomorrow, you can't feel bad for him any worse than you would for the guy who keeps letting it roll when he's billions up.

I don't know, I was pretty blitzed when I figured this out.
But you know what I'd do after I made my first million? Stop gambling it and start living on it. People don't realize that the stock market is like any other form of gambling, and that you need to leave when you're ahead. Stop putting your money on the table and you'll never lose it all overnight.

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:: 2009 20 January :: 7.58 am

On Killing
Most sane people don't like killing other people. That means that in the armed services, there is training designed to break down a soldier's resistance to killing. Military psychologists say that sometimes untrained forces, like the Somalian militia, unconsciously revert to trying to intimidate their opponents by firing large volumes of unaimed fire that rarely hurts anyone.

So what to do if you are the leader of a guerilla force and want your soldiers to actually shoot at the imperialist yankee pigdogs? It seems that killing civilians is probably going to be necessary for the success of the revolution. That's why you round up all the dissenters. Not to stop the dissent, but to make it so your men harden their hearts to killing.

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:: 2009 14 January :: 8.46 am
:: Music: Chocolate City - Parliament

I guess this is now an Obama blog?
Can Obama make Washington the capital of cool?

Of course he can, he's a modern Sammy Davis Jr.
Read more..

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:: 2009 6 January :: 8.11 am

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:: 2009 5 January :: 9.23 am

True Fact
Outer space is closer to Michigan than Australia.

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:: 2008 27 December :: 7.56 am

You've heard the phrase about how you can't shout fire in a crowded theater. You know what that was an anology for? A third party voter protesting the draft.
Not that I would yell about a fire anyway.
I know what to do in case of fire.

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