home | profile | guestbook


it's so subconscious, the way that i feel

recent entries | past entries


TapDanceOverYourHeart

:: 2006 15 July :: 11.06am
:: Mood: ecstatic

oh my god.I'm leaving for South Africa in ten days!!!!ten days!!!!I can't believe it.I'm scared.lol.I'm such a pussy but I haven't been out of the country in so long.The thing thpugh is that there's been a change of plans so I'm actually going to end up being in Africa for only 4months and then on to Jamaica for a month with my best friend.The only thing we have to pay is the plane ticket,other than that everything else is paid for.I'm pretty excited.So I'm coming back from SA on November 27(hopefully unless they don't give me an extension on my green card in time then November 11)then we are leaving for Jamaica the first week of December till the end of it.I've never been so excited before.I'll miss everybody of course(my mom,my dad,my sisters,my friend Jody etc etc)but it'll be such a great experience that I wouldn't trade it in for anything else.I'm going to come back and no ones going to remember me.lol.I don't think I mind that much though...

So I have to go with my mom to Wal-Mart to pick up some stuff(tampons,pads,my fave lotion,hair prods,lock and key etc etc) on wednesday then I sit around like a bum for the rest of the week till monday at 12p.m.whew.I can't believe how quickly it came.I'm also excited about Jamaica of course.My best friend and I have never gone on vacation together before.It's a bonus that we'll just be staying at her grandmothers house over there so we won't have to worry about that just shopping.lol.

Speaking of my best friend.Yesterday we engaged in conversation.She told me that she's a sometimes bi-sexual(?) and that she only craves pussy sometimes.looool.wow.I was floored after that I had to stop laughing before I could speak again.A sometimes bi-sexual.I of course think she's plain gay(shhhh)but whatever.

I got a chance to smoke after a very long time and wouldn't you know my ass fell asleep right afterwards.Bum.But then again it was three girls and I was the only one that was high sooo figures.

I'm leaving for South Africa completely sex free,which I'll remain until I come back from Jamaica.It's the least I can do for myself.I do not want my cluttered with thoughts of girls and pussy(mmm)and sex and all that shit.I need a long break to just be with myself and relax.This vacation is all about me.No one else is involved.I don't have to worry about anybody else's needs except mine.The only need I'll be ignoring are my carnal needs.But other than that I'll most certainly be enjoying myself to the fullest.One of the other girls that's going is also queer(not used in a derogotory way sp?)so hopefiully she will want to go to a few gay bars and hopefully I will meet some gays to chill with while I'm there.Ten days.

I can't believe it

update:it's actually 9more days!!!!oh my godd now I'm panicking

take a chunk out


TapDanceOverYourHeart

:: 2006 14 July :: 10.40am

suffer,and wonder
it's good to see that selfish people always know how to bounce back:they forget everything that they did and blame it all on you.And they almost always miss the point.For example:my complaint might be that the person lied to me about loving me(I mean come on,love is a big word to be thrown around haphazardly like that),but the clueless one misses the point and assumes,in all likelihood that you are probably this bitter person who's mad that they broke up with you(becuase it's always about them,naturally) when it has nothing to do with that at all.Are we in high school or something?Bitter?It's about being honest,to yourself at least if not to everyone else.I see where I went wrong(though to others that might be considered a natural side effect to loving someone(i.e sensitivity,caring,extra attentiveness etc etc)but own up to your bullshit too.You shit where you eat and you gotta deal with the smell for quiet sometime.

Some people just do not have a grasp of the english language.Or maybe more so they just don't know the definition of certain words.

All this time,these self-affirmations,these final realizations that it was you to blame all along for our fake as relationship,has been so I can move on with my life as I am doing,and be happy as I am,and to finally know the complete truth from your ex,as I do now,all these things have served to make me a much stronger person and to see that no matter how hard you try to hide it,you are one dimensional.You are selfish,it's so simple even you refuse to to acknowledge it.Becuase to be considered one-dimensional and simple?You?Ms. Artistic Soul?Never!!!!You could never accept it.Take a look at your past,and stop being agnry at me that you fucked up two relationships,fucked over two girls who loved you unconditionally.Actually,be angry.

I like to see that you are not so self-righteous after all.Learn to see that this healing process,though it might seem about you,in fact has nothing to do with you at all.Becuase you are yesterday.You are the wound that has already scabbed over after oozing a yellowy liquid of pain.But you,my dear ex-girlfriend,cannot see that past your incessant need to make everything,and I mean everything about you.Don't call the kettle black.

oh and p.s look up the word hypocrisy in the dictionary.I don't think you quiet have a grasp of the true definition of it.

Hate me.I want nothing more

take a chunk out


TapDanceOverYourHeart

:: 2006 13 July :: 2.54pm

A Farewell to False Love
Farewell false love, the oracle of lies,
A mortal foe and enemy to rest,
An envious boy, from whom all cares arise,
A bastard vile, a beast with rage possessed,
A way of error, a temple full of treason,
In all effects contrary unto reason.

A poisoned serpent covered all with flowers,
Mother of sighs, and murderer of repose,
A sea of sorrows whence are drawn such showers
As moisture lend to every grief that grows;
A school of guile, a net of deep deceit,
A gilded hook that holds a poisoned bait.

A fortress foiled, which reason did defend,
A siren song, a fever of the mind,
A maze wherein affection finds no end,
A raging cloud that runs before the wind,
A substance like the shadow of the sun,
A goal of grief for which the wisest run.

A quenchless fire, a nurse of trembling fear,
A path that leads to peril and mishap,
A true retreat of sorrow and despair,
An idle boy that sleeps in pleasure's lap,
A deep mistrust of that which certain seems,
A hope of that which reason doubtful deems.

Sith* then thy trains my younger years betrayed, [since]
And for my faith ingratitude I find;
And sith repentance hath my wrongs bewrayed*, [revealed]
Whose course was ever contrary to kind*: [nature]
False love, desire, and beauty frail, adieu.
Dead is the root whence all these fancies grew.

take a chunk out


TapDanceOverYourHeart

:: 2006 13 July :: 12.50am

fuck you whoeva you are
It's like looking at a person,and knowing that every single word they say to you is complete and utter bullshit.And even if they haven't done anything yet to fuck up,they eventually will.Becuase the world is full of such people.Insecure bastards who will go to any length necessary to belong,to be understood as genuine entities,when they might as well be walking around butt ass naked cause you already see them for who they truly are.

And as such nothing you say will ever mean anything to me.Nothing.Becuase I cannot trust you.You are not trustworthy.You are human,and you are a lier,and you will use me if I let you.And I hate you even before I have met you.Because you will never meet up to my standards.You will never be willing to be you around me,and me being me will be too much for you.My self confidence will be too much for you.My understanding of myself will be too much for you.So you will bullshit me and try to pull a wool over my eys.But what you don't know that I have eyes in the back of my fucking head.So fuck you.Fuck everything that you say and do.I can see right through you.

take a chunk out


tapdanceoveryourheart

:: 2006 12 July :: 7.57pm
:: Mood: ashamed

I was watching Mary Poppins today and all I could think about was what was under her dress....

take a chunk out


TapDanceOverYourHeart

:: 2006 11 July :: 11.19pm
:: Music: new edition:boys to men

unecessary drama
why do peole cheat?I was trying to figure that out with my friend today.I feel like if you need to cheat on me then why are you with me?I guess with some people it's a real problem,while for some others it's just sheer selfishness(the whole have the cake and eat it too complex)and for some still it's the belief that they can get away with it.In all of these situations all it does is create unecessary drama.Unecessary drama.I've started to see it everywhere around me:in my relationships,in other's relationships,in my everyday life.I never realized people were full of so much bullshit.I'm going to start calling them out on it from now on.Always trying to drag you into their unecessary drama.And there's so many sneaky ways people do it that sometimes you don't even realize that it's happening.And the worse is when people actually trick themselve into believing their own bullshit.Becuase then at the moment when they are caught they will try to justify everything.it's too simple for them to love you and are faithful and keep it at that. nope the bitch gotta come outThey sound so sincere that you actually believe that 1)it was a mistake and 2)that it will never happen again.bullshit.all bullshit

last time I checked shit stinks.I don't wanna smell it

1 left teeth marks | take a chunk out


tapdanceoveryourheart

:: 2006 11 July :: 1.19am
:: Music: common:the light

my heart's dictionary defines you

take a chunk out


tapdanceoveryourheart

:: 2006 9 July :: 11.17pm
:: Music: christina A:fighter?

It's so interesting to know what a person perceives you to be.It's the best thing in the world.I wish I could read minds.It doesn't even matter if the person is thinking positively or negatively of you,it's just the actual concept of being able to know what they are thinking of you or have thought of you in the past.

What's even more interesting is when there's a memory, and two people have a completely different perception of that event or time period.

I feel like I'm trying to get away from all memories of my ex,from the good to the bad,becuase she has dissappointed me so much and I really don't like her,but it's seems as if just when I think the shit has hit the fan and I'm done with her I find out some more bullshit about her relating to me and I just shake my head.How does a person have that much time or energy in their life to create that much drama and to waste their time fucking with someone's emotions for that long and then to lie about it?I still can't figure her out.I mean I already know that:she's selfish,self-centered,uncaring,heartless and just generally a lier,but damn,I didn't know there was more to add to that list.I just honestly feel bad for the next person that has to deal with her becuase no matter how honest you are with her,no matter how many times you give her a chance to get out of a relationship she supposedly doesn't want to be in,she will still find a way to fuck it up in the worst way possible.And that's the honest truth.If she's done it twice(and probably more),then she can do it again.But what I don't understand is why she puts herself and others through that.Why,why,why?I honestly would love to ask her,but I honestly dislike her that much that I don't even want to be in her presence.I guess it will be a question that will forever go unanswered,and I suppose that's fine with me.

It's funny becuase I pictured the months to come where I would still be getting over her.But here I am,completely over this girl,and just praying that she finds her way sometimes and learns to accept herself,becuase in doing so,she will learn to be honest with herself and with everyone else.

And,as she herself repeatedly reiterated,honesty is the best policy

take a chunk out


tapdanceoveryourheart

:: 2006 9 July :: 10.45pm

my bbq turned out really nice.Mostly all the people I invited came,just a few that weren't able to make it.It's a completely different experience being with my family at this age.There's this level of comfortability that my parents have with me I guess becuase I'm older now and they don't see me so much as a child anymore.My mom and older sister gave me an early birthday present:my mom gave me this beautiful white shirt and really pretty earrings and my sister gave me a book.It's a book of short stories.They know me so well.The easiest way to please me is to buy me a book.You can't go wrong with that gift,I'll always be happy.I don't know what my father's going to give me.He hasn't given it to me yet.Probably some money(hopefully).

I went to the Goodwill store and ended up finding a really good deal on a luuggage set:a five piece for 42bucks!Brand new too.Really good quality.That's what I like about goodwill.Amist all the trash u sometimes find there are really good gems.I ended up returning the three piece I got from JCPenny for over a hundred dollars. I can't believe there's only two more weeks left before I leave.I'm suddenly having cold feet.I'm excited and nervous at the same time.

There's this tiny beautiful girl.I wanted to fucker her so bad.She said I could take a picture of her butt and then hang it up on my wall.right then and there,at the flea market I wanted to fuck her on the king sized sleigh bed that we were standing next to.It took so much self control not to reach over and kiss her.I can't do that.Not yet anyways

take a chunk out


TapDanceOverYourHeart

:: 2006 7 July :: 2.18am

pms
I'm PMSing.It's really that simple...and I thought the world was gonna end.I'm so out of tune with my body sometimes.I'm having all these up and down emotions and can't place the source(or at least I was hoping it wasn't what I thought it was,which it wasn't)when all it is is a little PMS.Or actually I guess a big one.Maybe I should consider taking something for it.It really affects me.I get very depressed when I'm PMSing.Has nothing to do with anything that happened in my life just a general feeling of discomfort.

Saturday's the bbq my mom's putting together for me.I would invite you stranger but I don't know you...

take a chunk out


TapDanceOverYourHeart

:: 2006 5 July :: 11.09pm
:: Music: maria mena:sorry

...
Vague sound of rain
pierces through my song again
but I get distracted by the way her toes move when she plays
so I let it burn

I just poured my heart out
there's bits of it on the floor
And I take what's left of it and rinse it under cold water
And call her up for more

And I say baby, yes I feel stupid to call you, but I'm lonely
And I don't think you meant it when you said you couldn't love me
And I thought maybe if I kissed the way you do, you'd feel it too

she said I'm sorry
so sorry
I'm sorry
so sorry

she grabs my wrist
as my fingers turn into angry fists
and I whisper why can't you love me, I'll change for you
I'll play the part

And I say baby, so I feel stupid to call you, but I'm lonely
And I don't think you meant it when you said you couldn't love me
And I thought maybe if I kissed the way you do, you'd feel it too

she said I'm sorry
so sorry
I'm sorry
I am sorry

take a chunk out


TapDanceOverYourHeart

:: 2006 5 July :: 7.51pm

it was all a dream...
I woke up so happy today.It was great.I had a dream about this girl...And in it,we were in school.We became close during the semester.I had a crush on her but I couldn't figure out if she was gay or straight and I was scared to ask her.So,the semester ended,and since she lived far away,we weren't going to see each other until school opened again.The day came when she was leaving,and she came to say goodbye.I went to give her a hug,but instead she pulled me in by my waist and started kissing me.I couldn't believe it.I think it was the best kiss I had ever had real or otherwise.When it ended she broke away and looked at me with tears in her eyes and I knew then that I was going to miss her as much as she was going to miss me...

Best dream I've had in a long time.I woke up with a smile on my face.

take a chunk out


tapdanceoveryourheart

:: 2006 29 June :: 3.40pm

She asked to be forgiven today.And I have forgiven.It's that simple.Whether it was sincere or not doesn't matter.It's that she asked for it,so I gave it to her.

I feel so hollow.It's kinda the feeling you get sometimes when you are waiting for something to happen,and it does.But not the way you wanted it

No not the way you wanted it at all

take a chunk out


tapdanceoveryourheart

:: 2006 29 June :: 12.21am

just in case it's not been showing through in my entries I'm very happy. : )

take a chunk out


TapDanceOverYourHeart

:: 2006 28 June :: 12.46pm
:: Music: dar williams:confortably numb

she's just not that into you
I was reading the book "he's just not that into you," and it really spoke to me,becuase even though it was talking about heterosexual relationships I could still relate to it/It was just pretty much telling women to stop making excuses for men.That if he's not doing any of the things that someone that loves you would do,then he's just not that into you.

I make excuses for people all the time.I want to see the good in people and give them the benefit of the doubt.But that doesn't work.Becuase no matter what if a person cares about you you will know,they won't be able to hide it.And if they tell you that that's just the way they show their feelings,then they are just not that into you.That is such an important lesson learned.Because when it come down to it the word love is very hollow without any action behind it to support it.If someone's telling you that they love you but the only way they know hot to communicate with you is through abusive and hurtful words,then they are just not that into you.

It's such a liberating concept.It's pretty much like,"fuck a bitch."You gotta look out for yourself and stop being so nice and stop making excuses for people all the time.I make excuses for people,try to make them feel better and hope that I'm setting an example and treat me as I am treating them.But no that doesn't work.Because most humans are selfish bastards.So Fuck a bitch

take a chunk out


tapdanceoveryourheart

:: 2006 27 June :: 1.09pm

It seems like everyone's relationships are falling apart.My two friends just broke up.It seems like it's always the AGs that fuck up the relationship and completely ruin it.They are supposed to be the more logical and less dramatic ones but it's the total opposite.I feel really bad for my friend becuase we are kinda in the same boat where her girlfriend was her real first,she just came out,and she really loved herIt's gonna be hard for her.It's not easy to get over your first.

take a chunk out


tapdanceoveryourheart

:: 2006 26 June :: 11.57am

I went to a gay church yesterday.What the pastor was preaching really touched my heart,it really did.I thought that certain people should have been there to hear his sermon becuase it was speaking to them directly....

After gay church I went to pride.it was fun,I cried.My older sister came and watched the parade with me and then we went to go eat at johnny rockets.While there she asked me where cyn was(I guess everyone assumes that we are permanently attached at the hip)and I told her the whole story,of all the lies she told me,she told others.of how she mistook my love for her for a weakness and used it against me,of how she told her friend that we weren't going out.My sister said if she had to lie about that then why did she even ask me to go out with her.We figured maybe she wanted her cake and to eat it too.Maybe I gave really good head and she didn't want to give that up.I don't know.The thing is that would love to ask her all these questions that I have swirling in my mind,but I can't,because I don't even know if she would tell me the truth.

They say that it takes months to get over someone if you really loved them.It hasn't even been a month since she told me that everything I ever did or said was complete bullshit that she had to deal with.Well I'll give her her time back if she would speak one word of truth to me.

My sister was very kind and understanding about the whole situation.She made me feel better about it.After we ate I walked her to the train(she lives in Queens)and then I went to go meet my friends sara and darselle.We went to the pier where we met up with Korshae.We chilled at the pier for a while until it got cold then we left and got some beef on a stick for a dollar each.Darselle asked me about cyn,I told her we hadn't spoken in a while,she asked why,and I said she lied,and that was that.I know it's not going to be the end of people repeatedly asking me where she is or what happened.It gets really tiring though.

I got back from pride around 2:30ish,went on myspace,had a message from her which was as usual obscure and passive and made absolutely no sense whatsoever as usual becuase she can't ever just say what she means,ever.So I ignored it and deleted it cause it really meant nothing to me,I could barely decipher the meaning behind it.It said something like if that's your truth run with it I know what it feels like to be blind.I'm dumbfounded.Maybe it's a reply to something that I already said that I don't remember I don't know.Either ways it's not possible to be blind towards something that never really existed.

take a chunk out


TapDanceOverYourHeart

:: 2006 26 June :: 2.43am

Pride was so much fun!!!!!I'm glad I went.I just got back.Got there arund 3ish.I'm pretty tired and my feet are hurting but I just thought I'd let everyone know how much fun pride was

take a chunk out


TapDanceOverYourHeart

:: 2006 24 June :: 9.52pm
:: Music: Mya-If You Died Tonight

to my ex-girlfriend
Dear Ex-Girlfriend(you lied to people about this too)

I hate you.Before I continued with this letter I wanted you to know that.I hate you.very much.I have never hated anyone in my young life ever before,but then again I have never met anybody that was such a deceiver,lier,heartbreaker,selfish,and any other other negative thing that anybody else wants to throw in there.I honestly haven't.Probably until my dying days I will wonder what type of person could create such a domino effect of lies and deceit.I don't believe in heaven or hell,but if I did I know that you would be burning in the eternal fires of hell.Becuase I have never met someone worse than you.Nor will I ever.Becuase you have trained me to spot people like you from a mile away and to run for my life.You disrepected me.Above all the other bullshit that you put me through,that is the one thing I will never be able to get over.That you disrespected me.My friend( I guess she's your friend too) asked me today how you were,assuming that perhaps we were still living our life of lies,and I replied with "fuck that bitch,she fucked me over."And you know what she said ex-girlfriend?You know what she said that hurt me so much?She said,"I knew she was fucking with you the whole time,and that she never really loved you."This really hurt and surprised me.Becuase I didn't expect her to hear her say that.I really didn't.I didn't realize that the outside world was witnessing what you were doing to me all in the name of self-interest and complete and utter selfishness.See,this is why I hate you.And that's not all.I repeated this conversation to my other(much closer) friend,and do you want to know what her response was? "She said,I knew too."She said she spoke to you and warned you that if you didn't love me then you shouldn't be doing what you were doing,which was,essentially,fucking me over in the biggest and most dramatic way anyone has ever fucked me over.honestly after hearing these two testimonials,my day was ruined.I almost lost a friend today becuase I feel like she should have come to me and told me what a total fool you were making of me.It would have ended this whole charade a long time ago.She said that she couldn't do that becuase she was your friend too.I'm trying to understand that rational.I was going to stop being her friend,but then I decided against it,becuase I refuse to lose a close friend just becuase of your lies and deciet,just becuase you brought her into the middle of things.Never again will you ever have control over my emotions,never.

I hate you so much that I honestly believe that if you were standing in front of me right now I would either kill you or send you to the hospital in critical condition.That is the extent to which I despise you with all my earthly being.I remember you used to always say that you didn't like liers.That statement makes me laugh now,the irony,the hypocrisy.I honestly believe that you should be given the award for the best actress ever.If there was a role in hollywood for an evil bitch,you would fit it perfectly.What makes me feel better,besides my hate for you,is my knowledge that you will get what is coming to you,and you will hurt ten times more than you ever hurt me.And on that day there will be a smile on my face.That is how much I hate you.I wasted months of my life with you,and I cannot take them back.Thank you for tarnishing every memory I will ever have of my junior year you fucking bitch.I loved you so much that I came out of the closet for you.I don't think you know what the definition of love is.You have told me many times throughout our piece of shit "relationship" that you loved me.I am convinced that you think the definition of love is hurting,lieing,and just being an overall bitch to a person for no reason other than selfishness.I wish to give you back this so called love that you had for me.I want to shove it down your throat until you choke from it.Even though I am not religious,I pray for the next bitch that has to deal with you.I hope that they have enough resilience to bounce back like I did,or else you'll find her hanging from her bedroom fan in a suicide attempt.

And,like Mya said in her song, "If you died I wouldn't care cause you never loved me anyways."

I loved you,
goodbye

take a chunk out


tapdanceoveryourheart

:: 2006 23 June :: 2.30am

no matter what i do i can't get her out of my skin,out of my head

oh god

please help me

please

take a chunk out


TapDanceOverYourHeart

:: 2006 23 June :: 2.13am
:: Music: tegan and sara-don't confess

I keep having this recurrent dream,I'm on water,and at first I'm afraid becuase I'm in the miiddle of the ocean and can't swim.I should also comment that I have the fear of hieghts where if I only have one thing separating me from the ground when I'm real high up,I freeze up and panic.It's real bad.so that was another reason why I was scared to be on the water,becuase only the surface separated me from the bottom where I could drown.Except in this dream there's this lady and she helps and takes my fears away.I want that lady.I want to love her and her me.I want her shoullder

p.s my friend decided to stop pretending and came out.Good for her.She's much happier.It's really liberating to come out.I know.Pride is on sunday.My first pride.looking forward to it

take a chunk out


TapDanceOverYourHeart

:: 2006 22 June :: 1.43pm
:: Music: Book:Perks of Being a Wallflower

How could I have completely neglected my bestest friend in the whole world?One who's there for me in times of need?My books,my everything!

I have forgotten how much it helps my disposition sometimes by just simply reading a book.In times of confusion,I sometimes feel as if the current book I'm reading is paralled to my real-life experience.Like the main character is going through the exact same thing I'm going through,and I therefore end up learning a lesson from their mistake etc.I love books

P.S. My country won against U.S.A today!!!!!I'm so excited.I mean I'm a little upset to becuase I wanted the U.S.A to be in as well but it's my country!!!!!yay!!!!

take a chunk out


tapdanceoveryourheart

:: 2006 20 June :: 11.28pm

Life is so funny.That's really the only way that I can describe it.It's funny.

It's not even that the bitch lied to me for months and months and months,it's not even that she used me in so many ways:emotionally,financially,etc,it's not even that she might possibly have cheated on me,no no no

What interets me most of all is that she broke my heart over something that wasn't even true.She never loved me,becuase if she did,then she wouldn't have lied to me,she never loved me or she wouldn't have treated me how she did half the time.And you know what makes me even more certain that she never loved me?

That she had the fucking nerve to get mad at me when I accused her of that,knowing that I was right

I'm so over that bitch.Nobody ever walks over me like I'm a piece of shit and then lies to me about it.Fuck her.I'm done.It never happened.It was all a lie and that's the end of that chapeter of my life.As far as I know the bitch doesn't even exist

Some people are just cut from a different cloth

take a chunk out


TapDanceOverYourHeart

:: 2006 20 June :: 8.53am

Selfish
you cling to memories past
and like a child
you suck on my hardened nippples
draining me of life and happiness
and while I am weak,with breast sagging
You leave
angry that I am not able to give more
when all the while you took it all
away


my early morning poem.Some people are cut from a different cloth.The selfish one.They want their cake and they want to eat that shit too.They use you,drain you,know they are using,but becuase they know nothing else,they do it anyways,then blame you for letting them becuase it's easier to blame someone else for your faults than to face up to them.So I ask this question:

How does a selfish person love?Isn't it an oxymoron?

take a chunk out


tapdanceoveryourheart

:: 2006 19 June :: 11.33pm

I was just reading my friends diary and she just broke up with her boyfriend.It makes me realize that breakups are always hard.It's not supposed to be easy if you loved and or cared about the person.She's gotten to the point though where she doesn't care anymore.I guess we all get to that point eventually.

I can relate

take a chunk out

Woohu.com | Random Journal