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it's so subconscious, the way that i feel

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tapdanceoveryourheart

:: 2008 17 February :: 12.37am

been crying all day
ugh.it's been a while.
i'm more fucked up than ever

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tapdanceoveryourheart

:: 2008 8 January :: 12.42pm

update
1.I'm starting graduate school in less than three weeks
2.I'm working full time
3.I have completely severed all ties with my parents.They are part of the reason why I'm so fucked up and I really tried to be a good daughter but that wasn't good enough.I'm glad to have made the decision
4.I'm still single and even though I wouldn't say I'm loving it I don't mind it either
5.Things have been pretty good so far.My life is in order,I'm where I want to be right now,and I'm actually looking forward to the future

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tapdanceoveryourheart

:: 2007 18 December :: 3.33pm

my boss
why i love her:

she does her christmas shopping on company time
she says things like "let me go pretend to get work done"
she's like a mother figure
she's extremely smart
etc etc

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tapdanceoveryourheart

:: 2007 10 December :: 11.44pm

i'm thoroughly in love with Audrey Kawasaki's work
someone please buy me one of her paintings!


Oiran


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Two Girls


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Naisho


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Odaijini


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Ishiki


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Birthday Kiss


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tapdanceoveryourheart

:: 2007 10 December :: 8.20pm

listen to Iron Maiden baby with meeee
i'm horny and i've been bleeding for ten days

fuck me

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tapdanceoveryourheart

:: 2007 6 December :: 12.48pm

updated
1. I love my job
2.I refuse to accept that it'll never be possible for me to love another person as much as I loved my ex-girlfriend
3.I despise feeling any sort of romantic emotions for people.it makes me vulnerable
4.School's over for me.I'm done with my undergrad study.Grad school starts in January.
4.I'm happier when I'm making money.who isn't
5.I'm going to attempt to quit all my bad habits(smoking etc).this might turn out to be an impssible feat but it's my new years resolution we'll see how that goes
6.I will be buying a car soon
7.I hate driving with a passion
8.I need winter boots
9.I finally see my future and it's a happy one
10.I'm happy

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tapdanceoveryourheart

:: 2007 3 December :: 12.05pm

job
I forgot to mention that I have a new job now at my school.I start tomorrow.'m super excited about it because I'm actually going to be making some real money,not the bullshit,can barely live on,crap I've been getting from my old job.yay!

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tapdanceoveryourheart

:: 2007 29 November :: 10.26pm

aah poetry.so simple yet so profound

Bid me to weep, and I will weep
While I have eyes to see:
And, having none, yet will I keep
A heart to weep for thee.

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tapdanceoveryourheart

:: 2007 28 November :: 1.47pm

dammit
i keep putting myself in compromising positions

when will i learn?

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tapdanceoveryourheart

:: 2007 28 November :: 1.25am

baby Naimah's coming
my god daughter's coming tomorrow!!!!my god daughter's coming tomorrow!!!yay!!!!!

even though she really isn't gonna come tomorrow cuase my best friend doesn't feel anything at all,no pain nothing.

but her due date is tomorrow!!!

yay!!!!!!

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tapdanceoveryourheart

:: 2007 25 November :: 9.50pm

thanksgiving
thanksgiving was...enjoyable...surprisingly.maybe because i spent it away from my family,with friends.sleeping in late.stuffing our faces till we were ready to burst.going to the club.going to the village and barhopping then finally resting at a hookah bar.fun..

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tapdanceoveryourheart

:: 2007 19 November :: 3.07pm

Winter Haiku

1
The leaves are golden
On the trees. They will die soon
As winter unfolds

2
The snow fall's streaming
Sound ricochets on the ground
Soundlessly. I'm cold

1 left teeth marks | take a chunk out


tapdanceoveryourheart

:: 2007 18 November :: 6.46pm

Haiku for You

1
I breathe you in deep
In the misty morning light
My lungs burn from it

2
My pillow has your
Scent on it. Raw and famished
I yearn for more still

3
Your touch, electric
I feel your heart in my breast
I welcome you in

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tapdanceoveryourheart

:: 2007 11 November :: 8.39pm

this is not really a poem but it sort of is
I write poetry but I'm not good at it.
I make stupid mistakes that I regret later.
I am a wound up ball of anxiety.
I talk too much sometimes but not at all at others.
I am a nerd. : )
I think too much and too hard sometimes.
I love watching movies.
I love to fall in love.
I am sensitive.
I am complicated.
I am always lonely,even with people around.

You will never know the true me no matter how much you try.But on the plus side,you'll never have to guess at my feelings for you.You'll never have to ask for my support.You'll always have a movie buddy.You'll love cuddling with me because I do it best.You'll sometimes wonder what I'm thinking when I have that far off look in my eyes.I probably won't tell you.We'll fight,and you'll think I'm cold because it seems I don't care.I do.I just don't want to show it.I will always be afraid that you're going to leave me,so I'll probably break up with you first at least a couple of times till I'm absolutely sure of your feelings for me.I'll never be sure.Our relationship probably won't last,but it will be the best one you ever had.I will love you unconditionally.But not at all.I'll never trust you,but you can trust me.I will bare my soul to you,but you'll still feel like you know nothing.

we are better off as friends

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tapdanceoveryourheart

:: 2007 10 November :: 11.06pm

I'm insecure,shy and afraid.I hunger,I thirst for the opposite.To be carefree,extroverted,confident and daring.

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tapdanceoveryourheart

:: 2007 7 November :: 12.18pm

guilty
My friend and I decided to study together last night.Studied till four in the morning then smoked a joint.She spent the night.It was too late for her to go home.She slept in my bed.She held me in her arms.Next thing you know we are kissing and my hands are all over her.I feel so guilty.I don't know why.I mean I like her.Alot.We click.I think she likes me too(well obviously) but I don't know what to do with it.She was all smiles this morning when she woke up so I don't know what that really means.

aaaah the cycle starts all over again

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tapdanceoveryourheart

:: 2007 4 November :: 10.25pm

relax baby relax
aaaah I'm so confused about my life.I don't know what to do.I know I should relax.Realistically I'm graduating in January,I just applied to grad school and I have a job,so my life is pretty much planned out for at least a year.But I'm still stressed.I should relax.I can't seem to relax though.I need to let my psychiatrist know because all this worrying might trigger another bout of depression and send me straight back to the hospital.I feel so fragile lately.Every little thing sends me into an anxious tizzy.I just need to relax.But it's so hard for me.I keep worrying about everything.Money being the foremost of them all.My livelihood.What I'm going to do with my life.A couple of months ago when the therapists and the psychs asked me where I saw myself I couldn't answer them because I saw myself dead.literally.And now that the fog has lifted all I can think about is that question.Where do you see yourself?And I can't answer it again.I hate it.It's all too much to handle.Oh man I definitely have to call my psych soon.She needs to give me better anti-anxiety meds.I'm gonna call her tomorrow morning all panicky and shit hyperventilating because the weight of too much thinking is driving me fucking insane.

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tapdanceoveryourheart

:: 2007 3 November :: 6.49pm

life should be as simple as the slow inhale of a cigarrette.endless pleasures

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tapdanceoveryourheart

:: 2007 30 October :: 6.12pm

musings on myself
Life is this twisted web of emotions that I can't separate.My moods are worse than a nightmare rollercoaster ride and it leaves me insanely tired thirsting for some rest like a teenager on E.I'm like a cracked out whore wanting more more.But only when I'm high.When I'm high so far up in the clouds that the teeniest teeniest dot could be a skycraper then all's well in the world and I couldn't give a rats ass about anything else but maintaining that high.Aaah but any crack whore will tell you when the supplier is dryer than a desert the low will come.The crushing low.The gutteral moan in the back of the throat low.The under the blanket please please don't bother me low.The bleak gray sky raining dark clouds chillin to the bone low.These two extremes.Like the cliched ying and yang.Except it's really not all that cliche becuase it exists.The dark and light.The pain and the laughter and the tears.The anxiety prone low.The worrying low.The constant panic attack low.The everything is wrong with the world I might as well kill myself low.The low I don't ever want to get to again but without the low there is no high.It has to be both or nothing at all.So I flirt dangerously with mania and depression.Walk along a tight rope teetering from one end to the other never really being satisfied with one or the other.right now as I write this I'm sitting comfortably in the middle.No mania and no depression.Yet I'm scared.Becuase at any moment one or the other will rear it's ugly head.I don't want to be fucking dependent on psychotic drugs.I don't like what it does to me.I lose myself.Who I am.It changes my personality completely.So I have stopped taking my medicine and I'm fine right now.Nothing has gone wrong.But how long will it last?I mean to be truthful I still cut myself.Makes no sense.I don't do it because I'm stressed.I dropped a class so I'm only taking nine credits.And I only work ten to fifteen hours a week.So it's not stress.I just do it.For no reason.Like I'll be sitting and just compulsively open my desk drawer and take out the piece of glass and scratch it across my skin.And it feels good.The pain feels sooo good.Makes no sense I know.I try to throw it away.But I can't do it.I had to stop going to therapy becuase I can't afford it.But honestly I don't think it was going to help all that much.We spoke of things I already knew about myself.That I'm self destructive.That I don't trust people.That I keep things bottled up inside.That I live in my head too much.I know all that.It's part of the suppose disorder that I have.But I really don't want to believe that I'm Bipolar.I just don't buy it.Anxiety sure.But Bipolar seems so drastic.It scares the crap out of me.I'd rather consider myself eccentric.A weirdo.A nerd.A geek even.A complete freak of nature.That's a lot more holistic than Bipolar disorder.That's saying I'm fucked up against my wishes.That I have no choice in the matter.That when I feel like killing myself it's my disease talking and not me.When I feel like I can do anything in the world it's not really true,it's the disease again.So then when am I really me?When do I make the decisions about myself?I just refuse to accept that I'm helpless.That I need the aid of a psychiatrist and a therapist and a social worker and a behavioral therapist just to function.And lets not forget the Pharmacuetical companies.I need them as well.That's insane don't you think?completely insane.Unbelievable even.I have to learn how to cope without medicine.How to live the best way I know how and to glean whatever happiness I can glean from this life that I live.

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tapdanceoveryourheart

:: 2007 28 October :: 2.02pm

money
I feel like I spend my life being broke becuase I don't know how to handle money so I always end not having any.And I buy shit for noooo reason whatsoever.I just bought an Ipod.Really have no need for it at all I realized so now have resorted to selling it becuase I have no money left and I don't get paid for a little bit.My cell phone is about to get shut off in 2.5 seconds....

fuck me

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tapdanceoveryourheart

:: 2007 25 October :: 2.32pm

grr
god this is going to sound so cliche but....

I fucking hate girls

for real

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tapdanceoveryourheart

:: 2007 18 October :: 4.41pm

can you keep a secret
I want to be anywhere but here.Sometimes I wonder if it's really the place I'm at,or just me.Do I need to escape from myself?

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tapdanceoveryourheart

:: 2007 11 October :: 5.28pm

happy coming out day homos

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tapdanceoveryourheart

:: 2007 27 September :: 9.07pm

love
i miss my girlfriend so much it hurts.i'm sad but it's ok because i'll see her soon even if its not for another year i'll still see her,that's the important thing.i can't wait for that moment.i'm holding my breath till then

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tapdanceoveryourheart

:: 2007 27 September :: 9.07pm

love
i miss my girlfriend so much it hurts.i'm sad but it's ok because i'll see her soon even if its not for another year i'll still see her,that's the important thing.i can't wait for that moment.i'm holding my breath till then

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