14outtanone
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2008 25 July :: 7.30am
:: Mood: content
Mana Potions and Eggs.
Jon says I have a fever. I think it's just love. :D
Jon and I are going to GoddessFest tomarrow. I'm excited and nervous about it... there could be so many explosions tomarrow. So many people I didn't want to have to see out of the corner of my eye... I think that I'm so scared of being in my past that it's effecting my now. That's the biggest problem of all. I'm not that girl, or even if I am I'm a new evolution of whatever I wanted back then.
I hope that ring vedor is there again this year. I think that buying another of those rings will be a fine tradition for me. Not anyone or thing that I was doing at this time, just for me.
I wear the necklace I think. No...no I shouldn't.... honestly I should just give it away. I want to wear it because I got it last year at goddessfest, but it makes me think of him.
Beau.
He's not important to me. He never will be again. I want that necklace to mean that to me...the lack of anger and hate.
I just can't wash it clean.
~Nee
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14outtanone
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2008 21 July :: 9.51am
:: Mood: discontent
:: Music: "In the Sky" Grandia 3 Opening
How long until the next problem?
Not even two days later, Asher also died. We aren't sure what happened exactly. One minute I'm playing with him, the next I'm told that he's dead. It wasn't even two hours later. He had been acting odd, but we just figured he was lonely, I was going to Zamzoes today to buy him a new friend... now I'm very reluctant to get another pet for awhile... I'm worried that it's something I did wrong. Everyone assures me that I took good care of them, and Jon even took some of the feedings and such when I was sleeping. It's all very random.
Either way, I think I need a pet abit more social and cuddly. Perhaps I can adopt one of Kelsey's cats sooner or later. I like them, even if I'm not much of a cat person.
Jon started work today. I'm kinda lonely in the house at the moment so I might walk over and bother him later. Yes. I will go see him. I will not let myself fall into depression. /determind
~Nee
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14outtanone
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2008 18 July :: 11.15pm
Kale died tonight.
I'm kinda in shock.
It was a heartattack.
-Nee
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14outtanone
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2008 13 July :: 9.27pm
:: Mood: bored
Even with a pillow I can't get any rest.
I'm tired of pills.
I'm tired of phonecalls.
I'm tired of oily skin.
I'm tired of sarcasim.
I'm tired of not trusting.
I'm tired of holding onto the past.
I'm tired of forgetting I did it too.
I'm tired of marriage.
I'm tired of loving too much.
I'm tired of queesyness.
I'm tired of makeup.
I'm tired of working.
I'm tired of not working.
I'm tired of being tired.
~Nee
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14outtanone
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2008 7 July :: 3.10pm
:: Mood: dorky
Nope. I can't see you now.
SO hay kidoz. Jon's back, so I won't be around much. Like I wasn't around the past few days while he's been distracting me. <3
I loves him.
Yus I dooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
- belly flop -
~Nee
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14outtanone
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2008 2 July :: 4.44pm
:: Mood: enthralled
No Goblin marriage ceremony would be complete without the services of Quilk.
Finally. A development.
Afew weeks ago, I stated that Jon was still coming up with brilliant plans and such to free himself. Well, I think he finally found one that might work. Yay.
I think I might just be cheerful enough to buy myself icecream.
:D
~Nee
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14outtanone
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2008 2 July :: 7.02am
:: Mood: crushed
There is a lack of joy in this room.
Nee is a sad Nee.
I was going through my old boxes today and found my old Jurassic Park scan command game. So I'm all over the moon happy and twittering with joy over the prospect of playing again, and I come to find... the doohicky that plugs into the computer can't be plugged in. D:
Because my computer is too new, and they don't put the attachment into computers anymore that I need. It's like a plug with two rows of holes, four on the top and five on the bottem, and I think that computers have an alternate system of pluggage now.
I wonder if they sell adapters for this problem.
I wants to play mah scanzcommandz. T-T
Also, I now have drapes. It's rather weird. And closet space too. o_o
~Nee
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14outtanone
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2008 2 July :: 12.38am
:: Mood: determined
Candles and Photoalbums.
How frusrrating. Seriously, I hate how people operate.
No I don't... this is just a bad day I guess.
Oh well. Girls like me are so very hard to please.
-Nee
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14outtanone
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2008 30 June :: 7.09pm
:: Mood: energetic
Seven stickie notes, and no events to go to.
Sometimes I listen to people say "I'm easily amused" or somthing equally steriotypical and I roll me eyes. As a population ameria has a unified attention span of a goldfish. Now don't get me wrong, this isn't a rant about how much people piss me off. Nope, I just wanted to tell ya'll that I am just like all those others.
My candle is covered in candles. o_o
In other news, Kelsey and I had a talk about men and their cooties. We established that she will never ever ever ever ever ever (is that enough evers, hun?) forgive or like him. Which is a popular theme among my friends at this point. - sigh - I'm actually consitering some things that he and I talked about last time I visited him. I miss him so badly. - sigh -
_Nee-_->
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14outtanone
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2008 28 June :: 5.12am
:: Mood: accomplished
:: Music: "I Could Just Kill a Man" by Charlotte Sometimes
I want it all.
So... my mood's improved. By alot.
I moved that old wicker chest into my room and it lead to like... a six hour escapade which resulted in some cleaning. And heavy lifting. I have terrible girl muscles. Like.... seriously.
Although I suppose I could have taken the things OUT of the cabinet that I was lifting... but there was no room. I'm a slob, that's just a fact.
At 7 I'm going to vaccum. That will be very... interesting. Vaccums and myself have a life-long feud going on. It's actually quite depressing, but I feel it must be done. I don't know what's so different between myself and Kelsey when it comes to cleaning. She can power though it in three hours and the floor will even be spotless. Eight hours and I still need to vaccum. What a hassle. I need a maid.
I'm going to go see Jon today. I'm a little bit nervous. I don't know what I'm going to say to him yet. I'm not really thinking about it though. I'm sure he has our conversation mapped out already, which is for the best. I'm too ditzy to talk on my own.
Wark.
Later that night: 9:16 PM
______________________
So the vaccum and I had our fight this morning. We yelled and screamed and hissed at eachother. True, I was trying to force it to play over in the cage area... but it didn't need to act the way it did. In the end it took the inititive and shut itself off. It's still in the middle of my room, just chilling.
Saw Jon, we talked. He got me well and fully worried like all men like to do. Serious... what is it about men and being non-chalant about death? Robbie's like "lol imma diz naow, kbye." and Dev does it too. Now Jon's all like "These huge scars running down my arms in three centimeter rivets are nothing. I was just trying to die." and so I freak out and worry about our future. Honestly, I have sympathy for people who WANT to die, but not so much when it's my favorite people. I loves mah bro bro Robbie and my...DADDY DEVVY (hahahahaha, he can't smack me, since he doesn't have my journal, in his fai-ossss)...and that goes a million times for my beloved Jon.
And the moral is that I haven't slept since spending the night at Crystal's. T-T
-Nee
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14outtanone
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2008 25 June :: 5.35am
:: Mood: crappy
Breakdowns and Throwing up.
Day baggilion of Jon being away. I say away like he's just on a business trip and he'll be right back. Like I can just flop on my bed and call him up to tell him I miss him. Like I don't have to worry about him being sad or in pain.
I'm basicly living in filth because I can barely stand the idea of moving anything in my room more than a couple feet because it'll be like I'm accepting...something. I don't even know what. I've been so sick with food poisoning and various other sicknesses no doubt caused by stress. I just want him back. The fact that I can't do ANYTHING to get him out of jail and back home... it tears my apart and just beats at my whole being. I feel like such a failure. He's missed so many things, things that only he should have been there for.
All I ever do is sleep and roleplay online and go to Nick's to play online games. I hate being awake 80% of the time and I just... feel so lost.
And it's the worst kind of lost. It's not like being broken up with, he's still with me and still in love with me and I'm in love with him. He's just... not here. It's like walking around with a hole in your head that you can't understand why it's missing. It'd be easier if it was a broken heart, I could just get angry. This... I love him and I love him and I KEEP loving him... but I can't see him or talk to him or touch him...or even let him know that I'm thinking of him. I look at his picture and I cry. Alot.
I even have a message on my answering machine from like... a month ago that I play every night before I go to bed so I can just HEAR his voice. I miss him so badly. I'm so confused without him. I have so much to talk to him about. I talk to the air pretending it's him so I don't break down every minute of every day.
I don't know what to do. I wish I could do SOMETHING.
I would give up anything to get him out.
Well... I'd give up anything but him.
~Nee
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14outtanone
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2008 16 June :: 2.41pm
:: Mood: naughty
Shake it 'til the moon becomes the sun!
I'm sitting in my room feeling ultra funny. I had about a thousand dreams last night, some about Jon, about Shaleen... some about people I've never met before. Lots of swimming from all around. Snuggling in the middle of the Holiday Inn. Driving around downtown... it was very weird.
I'm kinda dazed from it all because I remember most of them. o_o
Anyway, don't tell anyone but I'm eating Vannilla Zingers. I know I know... I hate Vannilla. But it's like the one thing I'll eat and enjoy. Plus, it's too hot for chocolate. It always seems to heat me up when I eat chocolate.
I miss human contact. Talking Dev has like... reminded me of parties and conserts and rubbing up against people I don't know.
Yeah.
I need to get Jon back. It's bad when my mind goes back to the world.
- uncomforable sigh -
-Nee
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14outtanone
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2008 13 June :: 12.21pm
:: Mood: drained
I'm not interested in your tattoo or your breasts.
It's kinda disappointing how few of the new journals that are being made get updated. It seems like a waste, after that wonderful cleanout years ago.
But I'll let that go.
Just a mention to the wiser people: Donuts from 7-11 are not very good. I couldn't finish my half... it was just too sweet.
I'm going to go play some Pokemon now. Whee.
-Nee
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14outtanone
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2008 12 June :: 3.37am
:: Mood: crazy
I don't know why I got out of bed at all.
Painting pisses me off. Seriously fucks, I just screwed up on three pictures. I really want to go somewhere... but it just... doesn't work without my Jon to go with me. I miss him desperatly. I'm never letting him get in trouble again, I'm not kidding around.
My love for him is violent like a storm, and I will keep my eye on him to make sure he doesn't wash out.
Oh my god. Sleep. When I start makeing rolling references it's time to shut up and snore.
~Nee
PS: HAPPY LATE BIRTHDAY KELSEY-SWEETS! I came over... but you weren't there. /emo
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14outtanone
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2008 9 June :: 1.43am
:: Mood: cranky
Here's a list of things that pissed me off today:
Being in love.
Jon being in jail.
My PS2 freezing.
People not calling me back.
The fact that it was THREE people who didn't call me back.
Icecream smell.
Clothes that are too big for me.
Mom being emotional.
False hope.
Headaches.
Lack of money.
My internet.
~Nee
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