Day by day we go on...
our time is running out...
i opened my eyes and realised i was going to die.

 

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My Poisoned Passion...

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:: 2005 8 July :: 3.20 pm
:: Mood: lost
:: Music: goodbye to you

importance
i sat at home last night, well actually, i lay at home last night and i cried. boy did i need that cry! it was this song and it just set me off you know? when im alone i don't smile, i realised this when i thought about it, i smile all the day though, except when im alone. i was also thiinking about the fact that i have so many people in my life. every single person that is in my life is important to me in some way. they are all the most important people in the world. to me. then i thought that if you asked any one of these people who the most important person to them in the world is and none of them, not one, would say me. my mother would say one of my sisters if asked which of her daughters was most important, my father would proberbly say himself, my sisters, when asked which of there sisters was more important, would say each other, why wouldn't they? im not there real sister, im only half. my friends all have someone more important to them in someway, not that i blame them, im hardly anything special, its just that when your body is racked with sobs and your thinking about these kind of things then it really tears you apart you know? the one thing that i really wanted to do last night, at about midnight, after i had been crying for about 15 minutes, was to go out side, like i alsways used to as a child, and sit on the pavement out side, feel like i was the only person in the world, stare at the stars and open my soul. i couldn't do this. it was raining, while that would normally not bother me, i went outside and looked up, the stars were hidden. gone. had been taken away. so instead i went back upstairs got back into bed in my damp nighty which was later thrown out due to the feeling of suffocation, and lay there. this of course let my mind wander free and all i could think of was how alone i was. yellow was cluched to me as hard as i could grip and by the end of the night he was pretty soaked through. hes the only one that ive ever felt comfortable with. the only thing in the world that has ALWAYS been there for me. i was thinking seriously. i can't think of the past, i cant imagine the future and the present seems like tourture. i don't want do die. i do fear death but i don't want to carrie on this wat either. i want something to change. i guess that its me that does have to change. but whant into? my chiildhoods gone. im not an adult yet. i dont know how to change. i dont know what to do.

scream


:: 2005 28 June :: 5.54 pm
:: Mood: amused

What a load of SHITE!!!! actually.... quite acurate but noones ever said that they admire my achievements or determination! and i am NOT self confident! another silly quiz. think i may go and do another one. (atleast they're destacting from entries from the other day. sorry bout that by the way)

The Ultimate Personality Test
The Real You: A Scientific Analysis
Victoria, you're a Millionaire!

You're very ambitious and personable, and you've got a great sense of humor. You care a lot about how you look. You're bursting with self-confidence, and people admire you for your achievements and determination.

Behind that bold exterior you sometimes worry that you're not good enough. You can also be so critical of your work that it verges on self-destructive. You aim to succeed and you'll quickly crush anyone who stands in your way.

And that's just scratching the surface

3 have screamed | scream


:: 2005 27 June :: 12.55 am

Understanding
You need understanding.
In your life there has been many people that
could never seem too comprehend your
personality. Now you have either become an
out-cast because of their narrow minds or you
have adjusted yourself to them, and never
letting them see who you are deep inside. You
now think that no one will ever understand you
and you hate that fact. Though you are scared
of what the effects might be if you would
decide to let someone in so you keep a safe
distance that you both curse and bless.


What Do You Need in Your Life? [dark pics]
brought to you by Quizilla

2 have screamed | scream


:: 2005 27 June :: 12.42 am

i have just acted like a complete bitch to my best and only true friend. why do i have to end everyone away. make them want to leave me?

scream


:: 2005 27 June :: 12.10 am

You didn't push me i fell. what is wrong with me. why can't i ever be me. even whenim alone. i don't know who i am anymore. i fear i never will. shit. will electrocute myself if i keep crying into the keyboard. maybeit would be for the best.

scream


:: 2005 26 June :: 11.31 pm
:: Mood: fat, ugly and worse.
:: Music: rachelles mix

DISGUSTING ME. AGAIN.
ok- so it feels like i havent written in ages!!! i just looked at the clock and was shocked to see its only 1/2 11! thought that it was about 2! am knackered. *yawn* but im just to tired to go to bed. nothing has really happened. am sitting here feeling slightly morose, quite a bit nostagic for things that i cant remember and very fat. ill have to start my diet tomorrow- properly. now i've written it in here i can't go back on it. im actually feeling fucking miserable. i don't know why. just that i am. a far cry from the person that was running around in the rain on friday in her underwear with 3 other friends and going on a trampaline and nearly falling out of her bra whilst giggling hysterically. which i know feel a quadruple twat for doing. ive never, ever, ever gone out in public in anything less than a swimming costume. i looked in the mirror later and i wanted to get a knife and slice right though my stomach untill i had chopped all of the fat off. the blood that i added to the image made it more appealing. WHY AM I SO FUCKING GROTEQUE!!!!!!! WHY CANT I JUST BE NORMAL. WHY CAN'T I JUST BE HAPPY. WHY DID I LET MYSELF GET LIKE THIS ANYWAY!!!!!!!!!!!! I think that i had better go now. saw that fucking BASTARD today fucking, fucking wanker tosser. I HATE HIM!!!!! still. not as much as i hate myself.

scream


:: 2005 24 June :: 12.52 am
:: Mood: optimistic, happy and lots of good stuff.

i have just had the best day ever!!!! i had the most fun that i have had in ages.i'm decorating my room at the moment (red, black and white) and i had a friend over . we had on music and even though we did alot of work on the room we managed to have a really great time. we put handprints on the wall, on each other (ha ha, i got her good!) and i got a v. cool new painted t- shirt. i also had my face painted. we then spent at least 1/2 an hour trying to get black gloss paint off with white spirit. still it was fun! it was just so fun to have some good old fashioned fun, feel like kids again, running around squealing like a guinea pig (well, ok, that was mainly me) and just letting go. i had the time of my life and ill forever remember it.
Also this evening we had a bit of a heart to heart on msn and i learnt some more about her past. although a sad subject, i still felt good that we had talked. this day will go down in history for me as the best day ever!!!

1 have screamed | scream


:: 2005 22 June :: 8.41 pm

am feeling rather peeved. why can't you have the writing at the top of the screen in a different colour? i like what i have written there. puh. im gonna sulk now. ok im ok now

1 have screamed | scream


:: 2005 21 June :: 10.45 pm
:: Mood: dramatic.
:: Music: dresden dolls. A.F.I

shite poetry.
I sit on the ledge as theres no escape,
beginning turns to end and i slowly slide,
slide forward towards my fate,
anything to get away from this hate,
my life leads to this point,
my death leads from it,
as i plunge my way to the darkness,
away from my fear,
the ones that i can feel drawing near,
the demons,
the pain,
the anger,
the strain,
my life lies behind me,
my death lies ahead,
there is nothing left to feel but dread.

scream


:: 2005 15 June :: 11.39 am
:: Mood: rain cloudy
:: Music: Beethoven + NIN

"don't you fucking know what you are?" love that line. describes how i feel right now... what am i? i don't have a "catagory" as it were, but thats not really what bothers me- in fact, that doesn't bother me at all it's just that i don't know what i am. in any sense of the word really- i have just realised that i am a fucking two faced bitch. when did i become like this? it has sneaked up on me and now i don't know what to do about it. how can i stop, its easier said than done.

1 have screamed | scream


:: 2005 14 June :: 6.47 pm
:: Mood: amazed
:: Music: itunes

sin city
Sin City- phwor- i am in awe.

scream


:: 2005 10 June :: 3.49 pm
:: Mood: Spaced
:: Music: Bonjovi

Who are you people???
what is going on? who are you people? how am i acting emo???? tell me and i'll change i swear!!! if i knew who you were i would look at your journal and leave a comment- you sound so desolote!!!
And as for C and 103- my god you make me laugh- and you know how i love to laugh (do not appreciate barbie comment by the way. hmmm...)

3 have screamed | scream


:: 2005 7 June :: 11.53 am
:: Mood: melancholy
:: Music: AFI, Marilyn ,manson

Aloneness, again
it's been very weird for me this past few weeks. i, for once in my life for as long as i can remember, am between crushes!!! i don't actually "like" someone at the moment. i guess it doesn't really make much difference because usually the reason that you fancy (ahhh, i hate that word!) someone is because you want to start a relationship with them but when i have a crush on someone i am quite happy to admire from afar, i never "approch" someone because i know that no one ever feels the same way for me as i do for them- its just the way that the world works. i have accepted that and am content with it for now, sometimes, of course i feel a bit sad about it but what can ya do, huh? anyway, the reason that i bring this up right now is because i am worried. we just had half term and i spoke to none of my friends. not one. this makes me sad. i guess that this is the ideal oppotunity to lose touch with the people that you really don't like so i guess that no one REALLY liked me in the first place. im am of course- in case you didn't realise- feeling extreamely sorry for my self. i apologise to my non- existant audience.

5 have screamed | scream


:: 2005 7 June :: 11.52 am

101 Random Questions

Created by livi666 and taken 10 times on bzoink!

Basic Questions
First NameVicky
Last NameMinney
NicknamesWiredshut, V, 45
Age16
DOB19/04/89
Hair Colourblack
Eye Colourgreen with gold flecks
Height5 ft 11.5"
When did you last...
Eat9.35
Drink12.05 last night
Kissproperly? August 27, 2003
Hugyesterday
Listen To Musicfew minutes ago
Watched a movielast night
cheated on a testmiddle school
ran away from homenever
went to schoolam here now
was sickmarch 2004
talked to someonechat? few mins ago. properly? can't remember
did your homeworkcan't remember!!!
had an examyesterday afternoon
went to the parklast week
hung out with friendsyesterday
talked to a friendyesterday (not including txts)
used a mobile phonethis morning 10.15
emailed someonecan't remember
read an emailnot for a long while...
Have you ever...
cheated off a testyes
got in a fight with a friendphysical? no. arguement? yes.
ran away from homeno
skipped schoolno
met a famous personyes
lied to your parentyes
passed a testearlier in the year
failed a testcan't remember
went out of the countryjune 2004
went out of the state-
This or That...That
pepsi or cokepepsi
maccas or KFC-
carrots or corncarrots
Summer or wintersummer
spring or autumspring- both
computer or cell phonecan i say both?
music or tvmusic
horror or romancehorror
comedy or dramadrama
blue or pinkpink
pizza or pastapasta
new digital camera or new cell phonenew cell phone
cat or dogcat
skirt or pantspants
FAVOURITES
foodanything!!! chinese especially
drinkmilkshake
monthmay
daythursday/ friday
holidaysummer and easter
actorJude law/ ewan mgreggor/ jonny depp
actressNicole kidman/ elisa dushku/ sarah michelle gellar
colourblack
subjectscience
seasonspring
musicrock
bandAFI
songhalf jack- dresden dolls
movieedward scissorhands/ queen of the damned
tv showbuffy the vampire slayer
animal(can say human u no)then i will say human!
game?
number9
letterV
Associate a friend with these words
Dumb-
blonde-
bitchmira
slutsarah
nicestrosie
smartesthmmm...
one u trust the mostrachelle
Word Associations
Bluemoon
Blondeyuk
Catmeow
Spiderman
Ring2
Frydeep
Computerscreen
lemonadefizzy
cdspin
monkeyape
speakerloud
boyfriend
cowmoo
Last 3 questions
What are you thinking?thinking about answering this question
did you enjoy it?yeah
what would you rate it?5.

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scream


:: 2005 28 May :: 6.01 pm
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: Dresden dolls and t.a.t.u

boo hoo
ok. fine then. nobody loves me...

scream


:: 2005 26 May :: 4.31 pm
:: Mood: hot but cheerful
:: Music: dresden dolls

things
Hey everyone (or anyone), i have just had one of the best days ever!!! the simple things in life are definately the nicest! i had a resistant materials exam in the morning then i had lunch (don't worry this is going somewhere, honest) then me and rach went on the bus back to halesworth and had the nicest afternoon EVER!!!! It wasn't even that amazing really we just walked to this nice socluded (this is not going to get rude don't worry!!) place that was just like this grassy hill and sat in the boiling hot sun and just... did nothing! it was absolutely great!! yesterday i was in a bit of a foul mood and feeling a bit down but i was thinking today that this school year has not been bad- has not been bad at all!! i mean it obviously has not been perfect, theres been the down points such as art and loads of other stuff but i think that the good points might actually start to over take the bad soon... not yet but soon. few good points(not in order of what happened or what was best):

1. met rachelle (this is in order of best)

2. settled into myself, found my own look

3. feeling more confident

4. haven't done an amazing amount of things to make myself feel bad

5. exchanged a vast amount of telly with a vast amount of music- very good move

6. stopped letting others run my life (as much)

7. mums got right medication

8. bonded more with sisters

9. talked to sisters more- about everything

10. become less friends with mira than i was before- good move i feel

11. got this web journal!!!!!

12. became a bit more aware of the world

13. let old problems die (catherine)

who said 13 was unlucky?!

Extra (just before the beginning of last school year)

14. admitted my sexuallity to my self... the beginning of things getting better.

have thought LOADS less about sex this year, more about soppy romantic stuff (in my mind not in what i say to others) wierd, shouldnt it be the other way around, young person with childish dreams and older person with sex on the brain??

sorry about this really, really boring entry.

scream


:: 2005 26 May :: 1.11 pm

Sex Survey for the Repressed

Created by Lurath and taken 7181 times on bzoink!

The Basics
Male/Femalefemale
Heterosexual/homosexual/bisexual?bisexual
Are you certain of your sexual orientation?yes
If not, why arn't you? If you are, how do you know?-
Your age16
How often do you think about sex in a normal day?uncountable times- actually less recently
How often do you think about other sexual acts besides intercourse?more than i do about sex
Have you ever had sex?yes
Do you like...
Vaginal sexs' all right
Anal sexnever tryed...
Oral sexooh...
Fingering/handjobsbetter than ooohhh...
Something not mentioned above that you likeanything and everything (joke)
Which of the above do you prefer?better than ooohhh...
Intrests
What (if any) fetishes do you have?dunno
Do you like sexual situations with more than one person?ummm... not been in a situation like that
With several people of the same sex?don't sound too bad...
The opposite sex?hmmm...
Or even sexual situations with several people of diffrent sexes?mmmmmmmm....
If you haven't tried any of the above, might you in the future? Why/Why notmaybe...
Do you have a steady partner?no
Do you use protection?yes
How important is foreplay to youVERY!!!!
The Kiss
Do you like kissing people/a person?YES!!!
What is your favorite part of kissing?the sensations it produce
Tounge or no tounge?tongue- definately
Where is the best place to be kissed (on your body)mouth
Where is the worst place to be kissed (on your body)uhh.. hadn't thought... maybe... ear?
Who do you wish you could kiss?anyone i liked
How important is kissing in a serious relationship?very- its so sensual and personal
And...
What's your favorite sexual positionmissionary
Where is the oddest place you've ever had sextent.. only place... must go camping!!!
Where do you want to have sexanywhere
Would you mind if people watched?not if i dint know them and would never see them again
How important is sex in your lifenot very- used to be fixated with it
Name a fantasy you haveschool doors...
Do you like having sex...
With toys?ummm...
In the dark or light?dark
Outside?maybe
In costume?uhhh... not sure.. what costumes?
In bondage?ummm...
Submissive/dominate?submissive
With lubricant?maybe
Flavored condoms?what is the point?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
With anything else unusual?maybe
Finally...
Do you like this survey?not really

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scream


:: 2005 26 May :: 12.34 pm
:: Mood: unloved
:: Music: dresden dolls

someone leave me a message- please indicate that your out there, anyone... PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im lonely :-( how many people actually read this anyway? sorry ive not updated in a while, ill update soon

scream


:: 2005 24 May :: 2.19 pm

you? a little different

Created by dratsum and taken 12 times on bzoink!

welcome starting stuff
how are you feeling?calm
what is your name?wiredshut
how old are you?16
where were you born?reading
you in more detail, school ect
school year?11, soon to be lower 6th
school you attend?bungay high
uniform?black and white, black, red and silver tie
are you one of the populare people?no!!!
if not, what are you then?i hope an original but probably not
if so, do you like being popular?-
any enimies?dont know, hope not!!!
why?-
faves.... has to be done
colour?black and red
nail vanish colour?black
outfit?anything red black and white
item of clothing?"nobody knows i'm a lesbian" t- shirt
memmory?swimming at night, looking at the stars crying in the middle of the beach
place?my room
dream?-
person?not person, people
band(s)?AFI, MCR, dresten dolls, marilyn manson
song(s)?the great disappointment, to the end, the leaving song part 2, this time imperfect and half jack
saying?one foot in the gutter the other in the grave
sesson?spring
worst/hates... every one has faves not many ever list hates
colour?peach
nail vanis colour?yellow
item of clothing?anything that doesnt fit- makes me feel bad
memmory?waiting to see if mum was dead
nightmare?witch one- blood out of gravy- yuk
acsident?-
place?school changing rooms- my head
person?fleur stones
sesson?winter
personal junk
are you a people person?sometimes
hang with friends much?yes
what do you do in your free time?stuff
have many frineds?a few
count yourself as a?(goth/ punk/ chav/ emo...)none- don't know goth if i could get away with it!
your role modle?no one, i am my own person
kno anyone famos?yes
your room
colour?orange- soon to be red
stuff in it?bed, wardrobe, dresser, TV (big),, dresser wardrobe thing, drawers
any posters?yes
share it with any one?no- thank god!!!
your p.c
background?wiredshut
screensaver?love your hate... ...hate your love
make? micrasoft/ mac/ lynexmicrosoft
modle?time
got a web journal?yes
got a website?no
a little more about you
sexuality?bi
experiences?males "all the way" girls nowhere
ever selfharmed?yes
with what?knife, scissors, razor blade
how?cutting
why?to complicated to explain
biggest fear?mental illness, suffocation, beatles (bug not car)
biggest regret?too many to list- don't know which is the biggest
biggest dream?don't actually know.... will think about it and come back
like your self?hmm...
in love?no
play any musical instruments?no :-(
hobbies?ahhh... can't be bothered to go into this
have been abused?no
ever had a crush?yes
on who?uncountable people
sorry a little to personal?not really
what you think of?
warbad
lovegood
people thinking black (colour) is negitive?STUPID
obbsesive fan girlshuh?
people who cheatfuck them (not literally)
this survay?v. good
naff wasn't it!?no
i say this you say?
greysky
wintergrey
sunbright
musicrocks
suisideattempt
homasextualgay
schoolterm
eyesblack
timeless
ok well that is the end
you think?finally- i have done this 3 times now!!

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scream


:: 2005 24 May :: 12.59 pm

how will you comite suiside?

Created by dratsum and taken 67 times on bzoink!

name
age
d.o.b
fave colour
date2006
suside weponrazor blade
will any one miss youno



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scream


:: 2005 20 May :: 8.32 am
:: Mood: weird
:: Music: smoke on water

prom- kinda
hello. it was prom last night- woo hoo!!!!! actually it wasnt at all as i expected really. bit sureal! suddenly hit me that lower school was no more. i was no longer so much of kid. they played a song (just cant stop loving you- michael jackson) (i know i know but i was only little) and it just flooded me with various memories of childhood, so i cried. ill never live it down. in a hall full of people. theyll forget but i wont. then i found i couldnt stop crying so i ran out in what felt like a very dramatic exit and hid in a very dark history room on the third floor while my friends took two minutes to look for me before starting the party again. this i was thankful for. i had an alright time at the beginning, this really sweet boy (boyfriend of a friend of mine) asked me to dance which was very very funny as neither of us could dance!!! and it was an awful chav song when we both would have prefered a bit of rock. and i was in heels so i was nearly literally twice his size!!! must have looked very funny indeed! it felt it! someone took a photo- i must find and destroy all copies. ooh and i had my nose pierced!!! and my hair dyed black!!!! anywaybetter go. dont know what to say...

scream


:: 2005 18 May :: 3.54 pm
:: Mood: weird
:: Music: mix

last day
last day off school, how do i feel? emotional? no. i feel happy actually (which i guess is an emotion so i do feel it a bit!) because all problems are suddenly erased. everyone forgets about little quarels or what have you and writes amazingly friendly msgs for you! i told one that i was going to steal her boyfriend and she said that she would rather it was me than anyone else because im so strong, nice and friendly ect. she probably said that coz i am no threat and i was joking but it still made me feel good though!! any way got some veryt nice msgs and the slate has been wiped clean, also if there are some people that i dont like then i can just stay out of touch with them woo hoo!!! still though nearly cryied when one of my friends (the boyfriend one) said some stuff, especially as i know that she means it and that she is a genuinely nice person. oh well better go- you may not hear from me in a while.

scream


:: 2005 18 May :: 11.18 am

Have You Ever?

Created by voidedINK and taken 10823 times on bzoink!

Have you ever hit someone forcefully?yes
Have you ever thrown anything at a moving car?yes, skittles- we got told off.
Have you ever been in a fist fight?no
Have you ever laughed so hard you cried?yes!!!
Have you ever hit an animal on the road?yes- i wasnt driving though
Have you ever seen a Beatles film?no, yuk
Have you ever cussed?fuck yeah.
Have you ever been on a subway?yeap, only we call it the un-der-gro-nd
Have you ever taught a little kid to cuss?no
Have you ever cheated on a test/exam?no... actually yes
Have you ever skipped school?yes, for educational reasons though
Have you ever egged someones house?no
Have you ever gotten a computer virus?no
Have you ever cried for no reason at all?yes!!!
Have you ever missed someone?yes

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scream


:: 2005 16 May :: 2.01 pm
:: Mood: fucked off
:: Music: mix

hmmm...
i have suddenly become very very tierd. i have been angry for the last hour or so and now i am just quiet and wobbly. i was kind of on an adrenalin rush. after lunch i just wanted to flip out and punch a mirror or something. all of my "friends" think that i am so naive. why? do i need to show them that im not or something? why should i need to? why should i be bothered? who cares what they think anyway? they've obviously aren't very good friends of mine. why have i wasted over three years of my life? it's so funny. someone that i think is really nice is very happy to say that they are un nice but someone that im not finding very nice at the moment thinks that they are a nice person an is not afraid to say that. 1...2...3... calm down... ok feeling a little calmer right now although my heart is going at about fifty million miles per hour. english was funny. we gave miss loxham 103-'s lesbian story!!! we're going to get it in the break. that should be funny. laura has mysteriously vanished! you know what- i don't give a flying fuck. one of my "friends" came up to me at the beginning of the lesson and carried on like normal.. as if i hadn't found out at lunch time that she thinks im a naive little girl that is manipulated- like i said i don't do anything unless i want to- if im told to before hand so what- thats just a coincidence- still, ill only do it if i want to.

scream


:: 2005 16 May :: 12.47 pm

Friends? ha!! thats a laugh. friends dont talk extensively behind your back and then whilst trying to insult your best friend end up insultibg you a million times more. or do they?? what would i know?? all i know is that i am angry. this is a rare thing. i hate it, that horrible sour feeling in the pit of your stomach. what has it to do with them and they couldnt be more wrong any way. they all assume that i am this child that bends to everyones will but i have a suprise for them- i am not manipulated easily and i never ever do anything that i dont want to, EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i hate them! better go before i break the keyboard.

scream


:: 2005 16 May :: 11.52 am

The Survey Where You Say The First Word That Comes To Mind. Yay.

Created by -ambiguous and taken 52976 times on bzoink!

What comes to mind when you hear..
..snow?slush
..rain?wet
..tornado?grey
..summer love?hot
..Jon?athon
..Mike?ahhh!
..Shea?hmmm
..banana?yellow
..dizzy?spin
..Laura?she
..Juan?who
..car?park
..white?black
..peppermint?spearmint
..New Found Glory?old found glory
..placebo?rock
..orange juice?squeezed
..candid camera?huh
..sister?2
..brother?1
..hate?yes
..school?dull
..President?dead
..football?rugby
..rap?yuk
..pop?yukka
..rock?rocks
..punk?wild
..sex?yes please
..death?dark
..baby?no
..duuude?ette
..the end?maybe

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2 have screamed | scream


:: 2005 16 May :: 11.44 am

Sorry about that awful, awful entry before, i just kinda rambled on.. and on... and on... about absolutely nothing so, sorry. dont know if i like the new writing, thought that id just try something new but i dont know if it works. leave a comment if its shit... or if its not!

scream


:: 2005 16 May :: 8.42 am
:: Music: mix

I have always wanted a secret admirer. Lots of my daydreams involve a secret admirer admiting their feelings or being found out. Just the idea of it makes me feel special and incredable. i so long for it to come true. i mean, im not stupid, i know that it'll never happen just sometimes i wish it would and theres no harm in dreaming is there?
Sometimes i wounder why i am so obsessed about wanting a girl/boyfriend. iOther than the physical points their obviously no different to a friend only way more complicated. it's just a habit i suppose- i've spent more than half my life wanting someone and i've never even come closereally, except with G and that doesn't really count because i was so young. A an G2 don't count either because i hardly knew them let alone have anything that constituted as a "relationship".
Everyone it seems, even the ones that aren't bi have kissed a girl. i never have. i have have never done anything with a girl. Even though i accepted that i wanted to way over a year ago. this fact depresses me. Everyones like: " oh yeah girls are better kissers than boys" i wouldn't know. or "...well i've kissed a girl OBVIOUSLY" THERE IS NO OBVIOUSLY ABOUT IT!!! sorry but this annoys me. the last time i kissed anyone in fact was about a year ago and that was a dare... i need human contact! just a hug makes me feel amazing these days, not amazing in that way but special and loved. i need more hugs!!! and kisses and someone there who wants tham off me aswell.
Oh woe is me! i'm desined for a life alone. when i s4ee my life in the future i only see me, where i live, where i work and a cat... actually it proberbly wouldn't be that bad, if i ever wanted physically company i guess i could pay a gigalo!
i look in the mirror and i don't know what i see anymore. i'm so used to me staring back that i've become to accept the way that i look even though i really shouldn't. i couldv'e done something to make myself look better i'm sure. the weight issue i obviously caused- i have no one else but myself that i can blame for that and that makes it worse. As for my personality, i try so hard to be a NICE person- why? so many people are "un"nice to me- actually i guess i try to be nice because i don't want to be like those people, i don't want to be someone that everybody hates. i'm so weak that if i was a character from harry potter i would proberbly be my least favourite, Peter Petigrew (sp). i would just hate it i turned out like one of those people, its one of my worst nightmares but the thing that really scares me is that maybe i already am one of these people? what if i already am one of these people and i don't even know? that makes it even worse.
When i was a little girl i was nice. in fact i was quite popular. i liked people and they liked me. life was simple. no worries. i was pretty, i was the smartest girl in the school and the neatest. boys fancied me and girls wanted to be me. believe it or not this is not an exageration... and now look what i have become. i always assumed that i would grow up beautiful and kind, marry a nice, hansome man,and have two beautiful kids...oh yeah, i had it all planed out (before i was 10 years old) i also had boyfriends then too, one of them lasting from when i was 7 til i was 9! that was G. i still see him around coz his mum lives down my lane and we wave and be civil to one another. we then went on and off for about anther two years! its weird to think it now... specially as i then set him up with cath... then mira who went out with him for under a week... he was her first pash (snog- ahhh i hate that word) this was a couple of years ago.the weird thing is that even tough i see him so litte i still really fancy him- i think i always will.
Anyway, all of that has gone, i didn't grow up beautiful, i don't know if i even want ot get married or have children anymore, i'm not the smart one anymore, i don't even know if im a nice person anymore and i recently heard tht G really hates me.
my life has gone from every girls dream to my life in just a matter of a few years. whats going to happen to the rest of my life??? do i want to find out?

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:: 2005 10 May :: 12.57 pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: mix

nothing really
had my drama exam today- phew! thank god its over!!!!!!! it doesnt seem like a normal day. infact it seem really really weird... only 6 days left of year 11... woo hoo! im sorry- i cant seem to get enthusiastic about anything. oh yeah and my arts due in tomorrow SHIT. that is all there is to say on the matter really, two projects both only about half way finished. so... SHIT!!! and the art room is full. not only is that weird but i am finding it incredably annoying. more than that even i just wish theyed all piss of, im not feeling sociable and i want my space. ok got to go. ooh by the way- had a really nice daydream about cracking my head open- i offen have these sorts of dreams- they are the best kind i feel.

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:: 2005 9 May :: 8.43 am
:: Mood: strange
:: Music: mix

No emotions

I try to believe
in a greater good,
but everyone leaves
and alone i am stood,
i need someone,
noone comes,
i want someone,
to make me less numb.

What can i gain?
i have no emotion,
only my pain
i've come to rely on,
only my pain
that's driving me on.

I spend my life wearing the mask,
this charade is lasting too long,
i'm afraid that in the end,
i'll forget where i belong.
i can't live like this,
i feel like a fraud.
this isn't the way to live,
i'm starting to get bored.
i want to use my smile when i want
not just to pretend i'm fine,
i want to stop the pain,
not just pretend it's not mine,
i'm tierd fo being dead inside,
it's tearing me apart,
i need to feel alive,
where can i begin, how can i start?

what can i gain?
i have no emotion,
only my pain
i have come to rely on,
only my pain
that drives me on.
The pain...
...that slowly drives me insane.

First of all- i don't know why i am even putting this on here but oh well, done now. second of all, i know that its shit and that it rhymes in some bits and not in others (and that it's really corny, bad rhyme as well) but what we have to remember here is that it was done in a fit of bordom, in 15mins, whilst sitting in a freezing cold little hut that was swaying in the wind whilst there is a hail storm outside and the sound of thunder on the horizon. oh and the doors open. FUN! this is of course my new job that i am describing, not that im complaining- i love it (not said sarcastically) and it absolutly brilliant money (5.00 per hour) but just thought that i ought to explain really bad song/ poem. don't know which it is. if is was a song i've no idea what the tune or style would be but there we go- little miss unorganised! ok fair enough- big miss unorganised. anyway. if you are going to leave a comment (if anyone out there other than 103- and C anyway) please do not mention the song/ poem. i am disappointed at it as it is. i mean i liked it at first but i don't now. (isn't that the way it always is? damn this bloody world) oh well- maybe i'll work on it till i'm happy about it again or maybe i'll just scrap it and all other hopes of song writing for the rest of my bloody life and carry on feeling sorry for myself for no reason... ahhh!!!! why am i so bloody self centred! i couldn't be more so if i tryed! i read back on a few entries and all it consisted of was: blah, blah, blah, ba, blah, ba, ba... and then: me, me, me, mine, my, i ,me, me, my, i, mine. oh yeah- and ME! i guess that i shouldn't feel bad bout it coz it is a journal but i feel bad for anyone that reads it- must be so boring. i apologise. ooh, just hit me- if was a song, proberbly be one of those really dodgy and disasterous ones from the eighties of some even dodgier and disasterous pop song (ahhh!!!!! what have i become!!!!!!) this was not what this was intended to be- believe me- although, as i wrote it i guess i can make it what want can't i! phew! crisis over!
Wiredshut, V, 45. x.
(Sorry about obsessive use of names, don't know whats gotten into me)

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