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"Life is a Mystery..."

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:: 2003 5 May :: 6.45 pm

"that's the way it's gonna be, little darlin'..."
sincere apologies for the random line from the random song from "Jerry Maguire". It's been stuck in my head all day.

Oh, what a world. What a world, what a world. I wish everyone wasn't falling apart. It's not just the end of the semester either, though I have a 15 page paper I should be working on RIGHT NOW. It's not just that I'm tired and it's not just that I'm vaguely sick, it's not just that for some reason I'm capitalizing things today. It's not even just that god is being very unfair to my friends (hey! you up there! cut it out! next time I see you, I'm going to punch you. In the nose. Smack. Ya hear me? And if you don't shape up, I'll do worse.). It's everything and nothing and in a way I really don't want to go home to the green, green hills of ol' VT a week from now. But in a way I could really use the rest.

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:: 2003 26 April :: 7.55 pm
:: Mood: pensive

"it's a long way down..."
it's been a long day. that doesn't seem logical, i didn't get up till half past noon. and then i sat in the lounge and collaged for three hours, and then went to "stress free day" in the rcc, and ate hotdogs and popcorn and snowcones and smoothies and gave reiki treatments to several people. and i ate dinner and hung out with wendell and sonja and came back here and took a shower and now i'm plonked down writing this and combing my hair. doesn't seem like a very long day. so why am i so tired? and stressed? and worried?
well, stressed may have something to do with that 15 page paper i've really got to start writing. and tired with the fact that it's been a long, long week. worry, though, comes from situations my friends are in and things that worry me about my friends. not just my friends, my friend/family, the people i'm going to be living with next year (depending on the outcome of the mod lottery monday night, everyone cross your fingers for me!). they're all going through shit right now, this past week has been absolute hell for the "gayest mod ever". though sonja's world just brightened (yay viking success stories!) and maybe that's a good sign, and everyone else's world will follow suit.
but rebecca costello, someone i barely know but have great respect for (though that may be due purely to the fact that i met her on accepted students' day and she knew something about the Andes), sought me out at "stress free day" to warn me that sonja is a very difficult person to live with. she didn't tell me anything i didn't already know. sonja herself has gone to great lengths to impress upon us the fact that her previous living situations have failed and she was not blameless. but you know, i'm probably pretty damn hard to live with too. i bet we all are. but the fact that rebecca felt she had to warn me bothers me. i don't think the fact that other people have had trouble living with sonja is a reason we shouldn't try, but i'm worried -- i'm afraid it's a bad omen. i have this incurable faith in signs and portents. as sonja herself would say, "there's something wrong with the ju-ju". we've been planning to smudge our mod, once we get it, to clear out any lurking ju-ju. pity we can't smudge sonja. it might help.
thinking about all this this afternoon walking from the rcc to saga my brain did something funny: it called sonja "doll". which is more ju-ju, but it might be necessary ju-ju.
when i first met sonja, it was the thursday night after i came back from spring break, she and wendell and i were eating dinner together and then we went to the rcc and played foozeball and commie pool and sonja had a seizure and was impressed with how comfortably wendell and i dealt with it and then we all went back to wendell's room and had tea and talked for a few more hours and the whole evening i kept thinking she reminded me of someone, somewhere between the eyebrows and the tip of the nose. it wasn't till around midnight when we were all sprawled on wendell's bed and i was at a certain angle and she made a certain comment or a certain face, i don't remember, and my brain went "holy shit!"
and now my brain is calling her "doll".
it's the ju-ju. gotta be the ju-ju.

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:: 2003 11 April :: 5.25 pm

ladies & gentlebeasts:

i am now maintaining another journal at
i will continue to write stuff in this one, but if you're really interesting in following my life, read both!

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:: 2003 10 April :: 11.16 am

"everything's so stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid stupid...
...and i hate it, hate it, hate it, hate it, hate it, hate it
maybe if i say it, say it, say it, say it, say it to myself
i won't have to yell at you!"


i have to write 3 pages in the next hour.


the half-page of actual writing plus page-and-a-half of citations and bullshit i've squeezed out so far may well be all i've got in me right now. and how am i going to explain this to michelle bigheno whom i am slightly terrified of? "sorry, i couldn't write because my brain wasn't functioning, i couldn't do the interview i was counting on for the center of my research because my mother spent spring break in the psych ward and it didn't seem terribly important right then to do research for an academic paper and now i'm back here and terrified of phones and when i finally called sharon rives this morning she gave me the names of some people in Ecuador who i met two years ago next week for about two hours and their email address so i can email my questions to them because they'll have more informed perspectives but i don't really have any questions yet and anyway that won't help me right now and you know what i'm on the edge of a nervous breakdown and there's been all kinds of shit going on with people i care about and let's not even talk about the number of dead people floating around my mind these days and a month ago yesterday a close friend of mine was found dead on her living room floor and i haven't had any time to fucking grieve yet"? and then maybe i could talk about tara stratton who was murdered in january and i live in terror -- when i think of it -- that someone's going to tell me details of what happened to her and i'll go catatonic for years maybe (wendito, when they come and take me away please remember you promised to tell them i'm not delusional) and then maybe i might mention that two years and one week ago a twelve year old boy who i last saw when he was seven killed himself and i haven't cried for him yet he used to come to daycare at my house he had dirty hair and a lot of anger when i came into school the next day after i found out i told my best friend at the time why i was upset and she asked "how'd he do it?" all the shitty things she's said to me sense (her misspelling not mine funny how my fingers remember what my eyes have laughed at) don't hurt like that one did. but no one ever knows what to say.

i don't think i'm going to class today.

no. i have to. is it worse to go to class with two pages of bullshit than not to go at all? and there's going to be food.

rotten day to miss.

i wish i wasn't so good at holding myself together in front of people i don't trust. it's hard to say "i'm sorry i didn't do my homework, i'm on the edge of a nervous breakdown" when my voice is perfectly calm and i'm standing up straight. no one would believe me.

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:: 2003 6 April :: 12.25 am

rough draft of my VSAC scholarship essay!
"describe what you believe distinguishes your application from others that may be submitted; and
include experiences that have contributed to your growth"


"these days, my life is just one learning experience after another. by the end of the week, i should be a genius!"

i am a unique, talented, intelligent, flawed human being. i have had failures, i have had successes, i have learned some difficult lessons and i am still failing at learning some easy ones, there are things i can do and things i cannot do, there are fears that prevent me from being the person i can be and there are moments when i have overcome them. in other words, i am alive in this glorious, nighmarish, incredible world. that i can say all this represents great progress.

... and that's all i can get out right now and it isn't even to the point, hopefully i'll write something more reasonable tomorrow -- after i kill my hallmates.

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:: 2003 6 April :: 12.07 am

"here we are in this crazy, crazy world
circumstance can lead you on to desperation
see the young boy by the river side
throws a stick to the other side
it carries with the rising tide --
sometimes we might reach too high..."
-- from a song that Mary Black sings, i think called "Soul Sister"

it's been such a rough, complicated, incredible, growing week. how is it only saturday night? actually, by now, it's an hour into sunday morning, isn't it. "spring foreward, fall back".
dan and i had a real FUN argument tonight. i hate it when we fight. actually, i'm not sure whether that's true or not. in a way it's a relief, to bring the little things that hurt me out into the open and not just berate myself silently for being hurt for stupid reasons.
i'm starting to doubt the validity of this relationship as a long-term thing. that terrifies me. i don't want to hurt either of us and all this time and he's made me feel so human and i love him so much but i don't know that it's healthy to feel like i have to censor my belief system or be patronized about it for the sake of a relationship. it also seems like a really pathetic reason to end one.
i don't know. i just don't know. every time i'm actually with him i wonder how i could ever have considered leaving but a few weeks later i wonder why i stay. i have a horrible fear that i'm going to break up with him simply because i can't think of any other way to deal with this problem of completely different world views. i'm equally afraid that i'll stay for no other reason than that i'm afraid of leaving. i don't know what to do. or why.
angelboy: i feel like this could all be solved if only i could be sure there was something (anything) you believe in.

letter to a number of people (i can think of four off the top of my head but i know there are and will be others):
dear ____________,
i love you. if you ever need me, i'm here. be the strong, beautiful, gentle, incredible person you can be. don't let anything hold you back. i love to see you shine. i will always love you.

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:: 2003 5 April :: 12.59 am

things i love:
feeling pretty
the fact that i finally beat becca at pool (once) (barely) (she's beaten me about six times)
walking around at night in bad weather talking about the nature of reality (if only it wasn't so cold)
midnight breakfast
singing 80s madonna music at the top of my lungs
feeling useful

things i hate:
hearing that we should all lock our doors because there's a prowler in dakin of the sort that's up to no good

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:: 2003 4 April :: 12.34 am
:: Mood: amused

when my mother snapped, she sounded like a dr. bronners soap bottle.
"all-one or none!"
aunt jenn was worried because she hasn't been nearby the past five, six years or so since mom's been exploring spirituality of every non-traditional form she can get her hands on. so she thought it was clear proof that my mother was delusional when she told her "this week has made me believe in god," "candy wright was a god-woman like jesus christ was a god-man," and other such pronouncements. it was the jesus reference that really scared aunt jenn. she doesn't know the context, the years of coffee mornings where we all learned how to meet each other's ways of seeing "god" with open eyes and hearts. "what i call all, what some people call god" was another thing my mother said many times in those two weeks of chaos. i know perfectly well she was manic and that was unhealthy. but she was never delusional. she always gets over-excited and believes everything she's told without stopping to think about it when she's hearing something new about the nature of god.
i want to be able to tell people about all this, all this that happened to me, that happened in my life, that just because she was manic doesn't mean what she was saying wasn't right, but i'm afraid anything i tell anyone -- and i mean ANYONE -- will only convince them that she's seriously psychotic and maybe i am too.
i know jeff kimmel will probably think for the rest of his life that my mother is seriously delusional and maybe schizophrenic. and that doesn't bother her. it bothers me. i want people to know the fucking truth and i don't want to endure their condescension and their fucking misplaced sympathy but i know there's no way they'll ever hear me so i give up.
i wish there was someone in the world who might listen with an open mind and understand that there are such things as miracles. candy would have. i know that much.

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:: 2003 3 April :: 5.48 pm
:: Music: just me.

"Rose in the Garden"
there's a rose in the garden
and it will bloom if you're sure
that you pay close attention,
but leave it room.

i know your heart can be opened
and like a rose it will bloom
if i pay close attention,
but leave you room.

i'm not telling any lies now
i need you, you know how
i think i see how to let you grow --
i've gotta let you go

though that's my face in the mirror
it's sometimes you that i see
we've been here for so long now
i see your soul in me

and i'm not telling any lies now
i need you, you know how
i think i see how to let you grow --
i've gotta let you go

no, i'm not telling any lies now
i need you, you know how
i think i see that to let you grow,
i've gotta let you go --

cause there's a rose in the garden
and it will bloom if you're sure
that you pay close attention,
and leave it room
(room to grow)

-- Karla Bonoff

i love that song. it used to be one of the ones i assossciated most particularly with corey. it's been in my head a lot lately. don't know why really, except it's such a beautiful song.

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:: 2003 3 April :: 12.05 am
:: Mood: satisfied

life is so fucking worth it.
have i mentioned that lately?

for once, i'm kinda glad H3 smells so bad... (anyone accusing me of double motives in taking that extra flight of stairs is hereby ordered to shut up)

i really love the human race. they're so great. i'm feeling so vibrant right now. it's a great world.

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:: 2003 2 April :: 12.14 pm
:: Mood: extraneous

maybe i just won't go to collage today.
i wish i hadn't confessed a certain issue in front of a certain person who is now involved in that issue though wasn't at the time because if i had just kept my mouth shut no one would be feeling uncomfortable and i could bullshit successfully and it would not be a problem.
in other news, i really should go make that collage about women's bodies and food as presented by the media or some such predictable crap.
i'm going to go to class, eventually. i really can't afford to miss another one. but i think i'll be late.
who the hell is writing this story anyway? could they be a little bit gentler with the ironic humour? please?

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:: 2003 31 March :: 5.37 pm

this is not healthy
shit, shit, shit. somebody tell my mind to just shut the fuck up. oh wait, people have done that, there is every single good reason in the world that i ought to just get over this already, but you know what, IT'S NOT WORKING! maybe there's a curse on me. note to self: starting to believe that shantida has put a curse on me (kinda like the one i put on trina shepard years ago and have been trying to take off ever since) will not help anything. still, it's an intriguing idea... i need to stop having intriguing ideas. i need to stop feeling giddy and hysterical and wanting to laugh and cry simultaneously. FUCK THIS, MY LIFE WAS TOO DAMN COMPLICATED ALREADY, I DON'T NEED MORE CONFUSION AND CHAOS!
note to self: i hate spring. i'm going to start blaming it. what's the date today? march 31st? that was easter last year. i took a long walk down a dirt road and got my shoes muddy and sang to myself. it was the first warm weekend and i was high as a kite without any chemical assistence. maybe there's something to the theory about emotions and events being planted in days and reappearing annually. fucking end of march. tell it to go 'way.

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:: 2003 31 March :: 12.39 pm
:: Mood: angry

okay, i'm pissed now.
somebody stole my fucking toothbrush!

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:: 2003 30 March :: 8.35 pm
:: Mood: other

coming back into my room
i have this urge to put my head down on my keyboard and sob for awhile. it hasn't been the best of evenings, even though it's looked ok. i'm not really upset, it's just that one more little bright life-bit fell flat, and i don't like it when the world starts going flat like that. my brain is a rubber band that's been stretched a little too far, and i don't know whether it'll just snap in pieces or go flying into someone's face causing a big red mark i'll feel horribly guilty about, or maybe even i'll be able to ease it back down so it's functional again, just not quite as stable as before.

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:: 2003 28 March :: 6.35 pm

i need someone to talk to who i don't have to hide anything from.
chances of that happening: yeah, right.

in other news, i did not go down the stairs. i'm proud of me.

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