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chuckitatthewall (profile) wrote,
on 2-25-2005 at 6:47pm
Music: "the sound of silence" simon and garfunkel
I really hate it when other people are sad. It makes me sad that they are sad and it sucks for everyone. I feel like giving them a hug but I know that a lot of people dont want to hear "Oh, I'm so sorry. Things'll get better" because as far as that person is concerned things will never get better. THey will continue being horrible and shitty until the person dies. At least thats what they think. I feel bad especially when I don't understand how bad they feel on the inside and then I'm not as sensitive to them and as understanding as I would like to be. I used to do that. Make it seem like things aren't as bad as they really are because I didn't want people to think I was being a baby or that I was faking it. Honestly though, why would someone make bad stuff up just for the sake of it. That would be so screwed up. So when people have something really horrible going on and they want to tell someone but don't they really should rethink that. I guess I'm sort of writing this to someone that will never read it but I need to get that out.

Now to the bad stuff at home for me. My dad got so drunk last night that when Jessica called to make the arrangements for Scooter he didn't remember this morning. How fucking disgusting is that? He also was playing around the fridge last night and knocked the precious tuna he was saving for today out and all over the floor and broke the dish too. THis was at Midnight. Luckily I was already asleep. He gets so mean at night. I hate it. I don't wanna write about all that in here though.

I was looking through Monica's wedding pictures and it made me really sad. She looked so pretty and young, full of life, full of potential. She looked happy. Now she's pregnant, has the face of a woman who is weary, premature wrinkles. Shes not filled with that same life that she had only a year ago. Its all gone. The baby and James sucked it right out of her. She going to have baby now. Shes going to bring it into a screwed up family. Another poor innocent child that has to endure that horrible fucked up disfunctional workings of my wonderful family. If that baby had any idea of what his/her life is going to be it would kill itself.

Okey then. Enough bitter crap. Bye
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LoupGarou

02-28-05 11:48pm

I know what you mean. I always hate crying in front of people though because it makes me feel like I'm putting them in a really awkward position, so I do the same thing you do and hide how much it really is hurting me so I won't have people all over asking "Aw are you okay? What's wrong?" I appreciate their concern, but I don't want them to worry either. Plus I guess I feel a bit selfish sometimes because they might have gone through something worse and it would be kinda rude to cry when they remained stronger. But I guess all you can do is hope the person will understand. Or maybe that it's pointless crying in front of them because they can't feel your pain as much as you do and they dont know the right way to comfort you and it just makes you end up with unwanted attention and a little angry that they weren't comforting you but instead unknowingly made it seem to you that they dont really understand. They're comforting you in some way but it's not enough. You don't want the "it'll be okay" but you want them to cry with you instead. Or maybe you dont want to be comforted at all, but instead you want to kill something and just let yourself have a good cry for once in a long time.
That's why I feel bad when I try to comfort someone because I dont know if i'm helping or not.
That one day where we found out that Mr. vane would probably not make it and everyone split up for the last part of the day I liked how we could all comfort eachother and get angry at things together because we were all feeling the same pain. We all cried together and it all of a sudden didnt matter who was hugging you and whether you knew them well enough to feel comfortable with them hugging you, it just felt good because you knew that they were going through the same things and that they were all letting it out and crying. And because everyone was feeling pain, they all felt okay with giving other people hugs because they knew that whether they were hiding it or not they could probably tell that the person needed some affection to finally let it out.
I remember that day Mickey was keeping it inside, because she had promised herself she wasn't going to cry over him again, and when her mom started talking about mr vane and what a great man he was, she said something, though i forget what it was, and then all of a sudden mickey broke down and started sobbing. I think she was a bit irritated with herself, but everyone being there and understanding her made things okay.
We were walking out of the church when Mrs burrow came up to us and asked why everyone was looking so distressed. So i told her and I was really surprised when she hugged mickey and me.
stephanie didnt even cry when her granmother died. It really makes me wonder how she can do that. She's naive and she has a lot to learn and i realized a while back that it makes perfect sense. She's never felt real pain before. At least not pain that left much of an impression on her. She takes the word "hate" too lightly and uses it against her parents when her mother wont take her shopping that week or when her dad wont let her go somewhere. She doesnt understand the meanings of things like that and how easily you can lose someone. Then once they die she'll realize how often she didn't hate them... who knows? Maybe she'll begin to understand things better when she finally cries her eyes out over someone lost to her forever.

Wow. That was a lot of self-analysis there. Time to give my brain a rest.

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chuckitatthewall

Re:, 03-02-05 12:10am

Aww. That makes me sad. That was a really nice afternoon. It was sorta like 9/11 when the whole country joined together and was united. I dont think anyone said one bad word about Bush that day. Then the next day they were at it again but thats not the point.

Stephanie makes me so mad. People she loves are going to die and shes going to have treated them so horribly and feel so guilty about it. Maybe she wont though. I sometimes wonder if she cares about anyone. Truly cares. I dont even think she knows what love is. Really sad.

Well dude everyone is yelling at me. Bye

(reply to comment)
Anonymous

hey it's iman, 03-07-05 7:54pm

Your journal is so real. I thought you were joking when you said it was "serious". Well, don't I feel stupid now. My livejournal sucks now. I don't even make real entries. I used to. Now they're like "hi. bye.". Well, I guess it is refreshing to see a real blog.

Oh and I always feel confused when people are sad. Because I feel bad, and it's like, what should I be doing right now?. I think it makes everybody a little uncomfortable.

Okay. So. Yes. I will see you tomorrow. At school. Which we both go to. The same one. That is. Bye.



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LittleDamion

03-12-05 2:37am

sorry youre not feeling so great

Some people found my journal and I don't feel like letting them read about my past and all :D

i'm going to try and put a password.. if i can get it to work, it will be "jimmy"

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