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:: 2007 18 January :: 10.19 pm

dude..i feel weird still writing in here. but my fucking hand is shaking like a mofo cause i just punched my damn bag cause hilary pissed me off like no other so i can't goddamn write in my paper journal.

fuck hilary. i'm so mad. i dont need people in my life who call me desperate. i'm not fucking desperate. all the shit with her is so fucked up and its cause of her. i dont fuck aroudn with her shit and her life. maybe she could return the favor and leave me the fuck alone. but why the fuck would she?? WHY THE FUCK WOULD SHE?! everything is about me, is it? oh really?! fuck you. you're the fucking worst piece of shit ever. you've shown me your true colors you bitch. i'm not the bitch. i'm twice the friend you'll ever be cause youre so self absorbed. you can't be a good friend when the only person you care about is yourself. how fucking often to i talk about myself? seriously..i'll fucking count it if i have to. fuck you. i always ask about other people before i speak. take a god damn page out of the 7 habits book you fuck head. i dont deserve shit from you. i've done nothing but be there for you. and then i meet someone who makes me happy and who i enjoy being around who is not you and you fly off the goddamn handle. fuck that shit you fucking selfish bitch. you're such a fucked up dumbass. i would never fucking call you crying you dumb shit. youre the last person i'd apologize to because you dont deserve it. i fucking deserve it. i tried to tell you that i wanted to work things out and what hte fuck do you do? you fucking ignore me then write me the meanest letter i've ever gotten in my life. you remind me of my family and that despresses me. perhaps its because your dad is an alcoholic and so we have similar trends in our fucked up families. fuck you man. i dont give a shit about you anymore. if you think this of me then why the fuck do you even bother trying to communicate with you fucked up bitch with mental issues?! WHY DO YOU FUCKING DO IT?! give up. i dont want you in my god damn life and you dont want me in yours. you've made that quite clear. i'm gonna go be desperate and talk to joe now you mothr fucker. i truly dislike you in every possible way.

Go fuck yourself

:: 2006 27 November :: 7.30 pm

i need a hug. i wish i could write in my paper journal but i'm tired and need to do my math homework so i'm down here writing on the computer.. i dunno why i'm so sad. its just everything. grades and shit. mom and dad drinking is really bothering me so much. and i just dont know what to do with myself. i can't talk to anyone cause i feel like i'm bothering them and being selfish by talking about myself. so sometimes i slip and let a little out to a friend but then i'm like "dude..what the hell? let them get a word in. stop feeling so damn sorry for your fucking self. you're not the most important person in the world so listen for once." i guess i'd rather listen to other people for hours on end than talk about myself cause i know its boring. i do. who the fuck would want to listen about shitty my family is. they probably dont even think its that bad. i know that i think that way about some peoples 'problems". but you know..its all a matter of perspective and i always forget that. i'm too busy thinking that my problems are the goddamn worst when in reality i could be in a lot worse of a condition. fuck it. thats all i can think of to say.

holidays suck. i'm dreading christmas so bad. they're just a reminder of how fucked up everything is. how lonely i am. how much i miss monica. i miss her everyday. every damn day. every fucking day of my life i think about how much i wish she could be a fixture in my life. but she isnt. mom and dad are not allowing it. i only get to see her when mary is going over there. if it werent for mary..i'd never see her. it breaks my heart. i love her so much. i wish i could be in her life but i can't. fuck it.

Go fuck yourself

:: 2006 17 September :: 8.45 pm

I went to a birthday party for Rachel yesterday. It was in Santa Cruz. We spent the night. Simone was there. I hate Simone. She makes me feel uncomfortable and awkward and its so hard to be nice to her. I feel like she intentionally does stuff that she knows will piss me off. An example was when she rigged the twister game. If it was anyone else I wouldnt have cared but she was purposely out to get me. Fuck it. She pretends to like me, and me her but there is something between us that we both know exists and it makes being around each other very difficult. Arg. I really wish I could get along with her but some people are just not meant to be friends no matter how hard they try.

Another thing that kinda sucked was hilary. I like her by herself and with certain people but in large groups she sucks. She takes charge and commands attention like no other. She was wearing her bakini at the beach and her body just isnt meant for one but she kept drawing attention to herself saying stuff like "rub sunscreen on my back" blah blah blah. Its gross. Shes trying so hard to look appealing to dudes and half the stuff she does makes her seem repulsive. I wish I could tell her but I could never be that cruel. Shes so conceited too. It drives me crazy. She just always says "I looked so hot. I have good teeth. The dress looked amazing on me". I feel like saying "no, hilary, it didnt. you're chubby and its gross when you try to wear dresses liek that cause they just make it worse." or 'your hair is a fugly mess. nothing you do tames it." damn dude..I'm so mean. But i just gotta get it out of my system.

Hanging around those people just makes me so grateful for my other friends. I feel uncomfortable around them. If you dont do things just as they do then they're not that nice. God dude..I know i'm a little odd but not that much. I'm so scared that they're just gonna fucking make fun of me so bad when I'm not around. I truly just can't stand Simone mostly. The influence she has on everyone is just amazing. They just drop at her fucking feet like shes the fucking buddha reincarnate or somethin.g I dont get it. Shes rude, bitchy, selfish, whiny, and if things dont go the way she wants them to then the world ends. My goodness. I wish I had energy so I could punch the shit out of my bag right now. I'm gonna do that soon though. Its time. Its been almost 2 months since I've done it.

I'm so emo right now. I'm gonna go cry and listen to some depressing music for a while.

1 did | Go fuck yourself

:: 6 13 August :: 10.47 pm

uhh so basically, vacation is shit. louise went but jessica wasnt able to. it would have been a lot of fun with her and we missed her greatly. but she missed out on a really huge fight which was probably nice. fuck it. i was doing so well. not thinking about my problems and whatever ad now it just fucking sucks and i'm back to it again. i'm gonna call my counselor tomorrow and make an appointment. i dont care if i have to pay for it myself.

this summer sucked ass. i had to work the whole the time but i guess its worth it cause i'll be able to go to england. i just got one fucking week off and it was a shit week off. filled with anger. i have a problem though which is that i tend to dwell on the negative things in life. it probably wasnt all that bad but i just thought it was cause i dont look for the highlights. i need to work on that. fuck it. everyone i talk to tells me that in my family its going to get worse for me before it gets better. i'm not so excited about that. what does that mean. how can it get worse?? i'm gonna punch the shit out of my bag tomorrow cause its too late tonight. fuck it if my knuckles look like shit after that. sometimes in a sick way it feels good to hurt my knuckles. its like proof that things suck. like if my knuckles hurt, i have the right to be sad cause theres pain there and its real and concrete. i'm sick.

1 did | Go fuck yourself

:: 2006 22 July :: 2.09 pm

mary is moving out today and i'm really sad. i'm gonna be so bored and loney all the time. well not all the time. i'll just miss it during the school year when i know shes in her room working on stuff and i'm in mine working on stuff and i get bored and i can't go into her room and bother her. and at night if something is bothering me i won't be able to just go in her room and talk to her about it. or get hugs when i need them. i dont get along with my parents. at night, i can't talk to them cause they're always drinking. i wish i could spend time with them but it just doesnt happen. mary was my way of getting around them. i love her a lot and now shes gone. i have no idea how much i'll see her and that really scares me. what if its like monica who came home, moved her stuff out, and hasnt been back since. well shes been back but it was awkward and strange. shes no longer a real part of this family. this fucked up family. what if mary starts to feel that way too. then i'll never see her. i get my lisence in november..thats so long from now. actually, it really isnt but it seems like an eternity to me because i have no way of getting out this house without the assistance of someone else. i could ride my bike to her house and i'll probably end up doing that a lot. but san jose is so vast. i can't get to monica that easily cause she lives like 15 minutes away driving and even longer if i ride a bike. arg.

this whole nick thing sucks as well. nothing is gonna happen and i'm not taking it well. i just need to accept it. thats my biggest problem..i keep thinking that there is a chance when there isnt. i guess its cause this might be my only opportunity during high school. co ed school would have been a lot more convenient in that respect. but i like my school. god darn it. mary's new roommate has a brother my age..maybe that could work..i'm not expecting antyhing though cause i'll be disappointed if i do. fuck it. i'm feeling really depressed again and i'm not sure why. god damn it.

3 did | Go fuck yourself

:: 2006 8 June :: 6.48 pm

my sister is a dumbass. she fucking talks about sex all the time and then gets upset when my parents arent okay with it. does she think they're gonna be pleased?? 'yeah maureen..go ahead! have sex in our house". no..shes so fucked up. seriously. then she says this: maybe the reason why you dont' like me talking about is cuz you think your better than me...and your competing little self hates that i am older.

and blocks me after that . fuck it. i dont care that shes older! i'm perfectly fucking content being the last one besides that they've all almost moved out so i'm alone a lot. but thats alright i guess. shes such a dumbass. she always wants people to be jealous of her and when they aren't it pisses her off. i'm not jealous of her and her hideous boyfriend. i dont need a fucking boyfriend right now anyway. god damn her. i'm done

1 did | Go fuck yourself

:: 2006 14 May :: 8.42 pm

i'm gonna keep it simple cause i'm pretty stupid.

hes hotttttttt but we have to be frieeeendss which sucks!!!! oh well. i'll get over it.

2 did | Go fuck yourself

:: 2006 11 April :: 7.04 pm

wow. 2 days in a row. i'm gonna write on paper but i need to finish my research paper therefore i'm not leaving the computer right now so i'll write in here again..

call me a whiner. fine. it sucks. my mom cancelled my counseling appointment again because i'm "sick" fuck that. i'm so mad. i really love going. its the only time that someone helps me. only me. selfish, yes. but i really love it. she helps me. i'm so sad right now and i really need to talk about some issues i'm having. i have to wait another week. goddamnit. my mom does this all the time. she has cancelled on me like 7 times and i only go every other week. why?! i want to go. i'm so sad right now. i need a hug. i need some serious time for me. time with people i love. i'm doing that thing where i cry almost every day. i havent done that in a couple months. fuck it.

1 did | Go fuck yourself

:: 2006 10 April :: 7.35 pm

I'm sad.
This weekend I was sick. I was stuck inside for 5 straight days. Mary went to Vegas and Maureen and Michelle were both at school. I never see Monica so she is out of the picture. I was home all by myself with mom and dad. It was so incredibly lonely and boring. It made me realize just how important my fucked up family is to me. i love them so much. Just sitting on the couch alone made me realize that if they were there at that moment I'd have someone to sit with and talk to when I couldnt move. Thats what family is about. I love them. Michelle was the only one tehre for me. She called me a lot and I talked to her for a couple of hours. That was so nice. I was so incredibly thankful.. I love my sisters. Mary is going to move out this summer and I'm dreading it. What will I do? Things are gonna be so boring at night. When I come home from school I like knowing I can talk to her when I need to. I feel like crying just thinking about. What if she doesnt visit very often? We hang out together..will we still do that once shes gone? I'm gonna have to find a lot of activities to get involved in to keep myself busy.. I'll miss her a lot. In my family it feels like if you move out then you stop beign a member of the family. Thats how it was with Monica. I dont want that again. I love my sisters.

3 did | Go fuck yourself

:: 2006 30 March :: 9.21 pm

I hate it so much when my dad drinks. Maureen and I went to get to icecream a few minutes ago. We came back and Mary had returned from her spinning class. She wanted some icecream so i scraped some off for her. Everything was fine except that my dad felt like he needed to be involved. God damn him. he is always looking for reasons to get mad at me or punish me. So Mary wanted some more and I told her I'd scrape it off for her and that she couldn't dig in to it cause I'm very strict about how I like my icecream to be eaten. I know thats really stupid and I should get over it but still. So my dad takes my icecream and hands it to Mary just cause he thinks its funny. Hes been trying to provoke me all night and something as stuipd as this did it. So I got mad cause it looked like Mary was trying to gouge my icecream so I started yelling at her not to. And then i chucked a spoon at her.

This is completely my fault. i know it is. I'm sorry. My dad just wanted to make me angry and he did it. The second I chucked the spoon at her he started yelling all these punishments at me. Fuck that. he was just waiting and i bit at the bait and now he has done it.

I'm stupid.

Go fuck yourself

:: 2006 14 March :: 9.24 pm

My sister sucks ass. Maureen. She is home from college. Shes such a bitch. She comes home from college an enlightened piece of shit. She thinks she knows everything now. Maureen is 5 billion times smarter than every other person on this earth because she has been at college for a whole 6 months! It pisses me off. I'm fatter than her just because shes only 5 ft. tall and she never stops reminding me. If I was 5 ft. tall I'd be skinnier! Excuse me for my genetics! I know I'm not as skinny as I used to be but she is just so bitchy. Everytime I come near her she has an attitude. She looks for reasons to make fun of me and shit. Today she had her dumbass ugly acne covered, braces still on teeth even though he is 23 boyfriend over. I walk in the door and 2 seconds in the house she says "So how was Jamie Bell's birthday?" I know she was just doing it so she could make a joke out of it and impress her boyfriend. So i said in reply "It was wonderful until I came home and saw you". I know that was really mean but I couldn't help myself. Whenever I'm near her my brain is flooded with really great insults and they keep leaking out.

I'm gonna finish watching Billy Elliot.

4 did | Go fuck yourself

:: 2006 28 February :: 8.31 pm
:: Music: angry shit

My dad sucks. I dont think he likes me. Sure, he loves me. But I dont think he likes me. He got pissed at me tonight for eating chicken the wrong way. Its not like i'm in a fucking 5-star restaraunt and the chicken I'm eating costs $50. THen he got pissed cause I had a song in my head and I started humming it. Sounds stupid really. His excuse? He had a bad reaction to the drugs the dentist gave him today. Well why the fuck is he taking it out on me?! Fuck that. Hes a fucked up dumbass. My sister asked him when the last time he said anything nice to was when she thought I wasnt listening. I was listening. He paused for a few seconds and said "...she makes a good sauce" and that was it. Thats all! Aren't dad's supposed to tell you that they're proud of you and shit? He doesnt do any of that. I get a B he says "that should be an A" I've never had straight A's or even close to that. He fucking knows that I'm not an "A" student and I'm not just gonna magically become one! mother fucker. I am not okay with what hes doing to me right now. Whatever I do is never good enough. I took WHAP cause I thought he'd be proud of me and he was. He was proud of me until I started getting a C in it. THen he was mad. THe only fucking reason I took it was cause of him! mother fucker. He doesnt get it. He doesnt get it that I want him to like me and he refuses. In the car when he picks me up from school its dead silence unless i bring up 1 of 2 things- classic rock or baseball. this sucks. I guess I should be thankful my dad is there cause not everyone has a dad but still. Its like hes there but hes not there (that'd be in italics if i knew how to do them). FUck it. what can i do. nothing i do is ever good enough. fuck it.

1 did | Go fuck yourself

:: 2006 9 January :: 7.05 pm

my fucking family wears down on me and right now it sucks. Finals are next week and they are gonna be so terrible because my grades are all shitty. I'm actually not doing as bad I originally thought but they still suck. I have to pass the WHAP final or else I have to do like 2 weeks of summer school to make up for a half a semester which is fucking stupid and a waste of time and money.

Michelle is gone which is good news. My parents are still drinking their normal shitloads and getting drunk and beligerent every night which fucks with my head. Sometimes I forget about it or I ignore it for a while and then there are times like these. It hasn't happened for like 3 months now but its hit me with a vegeance (sp). Last night I started thinking too much about my fucked up family and now I just feel like crying curling up into a little ball for a few weeks. My sadness and frustration with the current state of my family is coming out as angry lashes to anyone that says anything remotely angering or whatever. My mom told me to make the salad tonight and I fucking yelled so much. I know I shouldn't and I don't want to but it just comes out. Something sorta forces it out of me . Now that sounds like a shitty excuse to make my behavior justifiable but I'm serious. I just can't fucking figure out why I'm so damn sad... sister....she makes me saddest of all. I was writing about her in my paper journal last night.

Go fuck yourself

:: 2005 14 December :: 7.15 pm

I love my sister but she fucking drives me crazy.

she is so stupid and yells at me and says i have an attittude..which i do. but i dont fucking want her to tell me.

she can fucking pick out a tree by herself. i dont wanna help her. even though we pick out good trees. let her get a shitty one fuck it.

i am angry..
things suck right now

Go fuck yourself

:: 2005 30 November :: 7.11 pm

WHAP sucks so bad. I'm trying to do it right now but it sucks so i feel like writing about it and how much i hate it. I got a fucking D in it and nothing makes sense and she gives us shitloads and shitloads of work. I never have a free moment at night anymore cause of this fucking homework. It says "inconsistent effort" on my progress report. Inconsistent effort?? I study dude. I do most of my homework and i try but I get so frustrated. I get so so so frustrated cause there is so much damn information and i dont think that it is fucking possible to memorize all this shit and then make fucking connections. If i cant keep the information straight in my head how the hell do i connect it to other things???! I dont cause it sucks. I cant describe my horrible, deep pain that I get when i sit down to do my fucking whap homework. does she even care that we have other fucking homework??? no no no!!!!!!!!! if she did she'd cut the amount in half. i dont like doing 4 hours of homework for 1 class per night. its ridculous and even when i do the work i still dont get it. whats the fucking point?? there isnt one. i am failing it and i dont know how to fix it cause it keeps getting harder and harder and i'm sinking into a hole and there is not a way to climb out of it. fuck it

school sucks ass. i wanna go bury myself.

2 did | Go fuck yourself | Random Journal