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mle (profile) wrote,
on 4-19-2005 at 6:29pm
Current mood: . resentful .
Music: . death cab for cutie . tiny vessels .
Subject:
. spring has the highest suicide rate .


that's always an odd thought - that most people make it through the cold, dark, yucky winter in order to throw in the towel in the rejuvenating spring.

right?

not through my eyes, no.
give me winter over spring any damned day.
spring not only means i've wasted another school year being a failure, but it means i am forced to shed
i get a kick out of being positive and upbeat while everyone else is gloomy and miserable. but once they're happier than me, then it becomes an uphill struggle just to get out of bed in the morning.
the courtyard turns into a beach when the temperature hits 60, i've found out. today was terrible - i didnt leave the building at all until i went to get food next door. i couldn't even walk the 100 ft w/o getting attacked by several frisbees and nearly stepping on one of the 80 million naked girls lying on the grass. i will never understand the obsession with laying out. sure, i like to have color in my skin, and i enjoy the sun/outdoors. but the sweat and the brightness and the inability to sleep and the long hours.. eww.
but i've been miserable lately. with the lack of productivity, high-stress level, and, above all else, the onset of warm weather. i feel as though every cute girl, decked out in her glamorous shades, long shiny hair, tiny vintage tee, and low-slung mini skirt, is personally ripping a strip of my heart out with her god-damned fake nails. ever since the spring rush thing that i convinced myself i was totally okay with, i have been obsessed with everything greek. not kidding. on face book i look up sorority girls all the time, admiring the 400 gorgeous friends they have and the snotty suburb they grew up in and their glamorous party picture. it's so stupid, but i bleed green with envy over it. and when i catch myself, i think "emily, do you really think you would have fit in with them?" and i know the answer. i know it would have only made me more upset... but it's so hard to think about where i could be right now if i had pledged or if i could rush in the fall.
and all i want is to dress the style i want to. because i have good taste, dammit. but i can't because i'm fat and currently my entire body is peeling from that weekend excursion to jacksonville/gainesville florida 2 weeks ago. all i want is to look like them... to have their body, their face...
i am intensely superficial, i've decided. if i could change 3 thing about myself, they would be: weight/body type, skin, inability to reach my goals/standards. well, i would also make myself ethnic of some sort, but that is a little far-fetched.


and the marcus ordeal returns to its pre-fight status: trying desperately not to call him too much or hang out w/ him too much, yet feeling as though he is all i have anymore. he is the only person in the world who understands me. and, to be quite honest, the only one i feel like i can tell anything anymore. i'm incapable of opening up, even when people ask me to (ken). i don't know where the line is of curiosity and annoyance, so i just don't even try.
which means i typically end up unexpectedly breaking down to either my mom or marcus. or my pillow. whenever i get the luxury of no roomie in the room, that is.

my heart aches.
but what/whom for... that is the mystery.
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independenttruckergrl

random., 04-19-05 8:06pm

yeah, thats so weird about the sucides thing.
i learned that in health class and was like "what.. that doesnt make sense"
you would think winter because its so depressing.. but.. whatever.
and the most common day for people to commit suicide is on mondays..
odd.


(reply to this)

spud

awwww..., 04-21-05 11:05pm


hey, i was thinking about you not too long ago, and i realized you hadn't updated in awhile.

i also realized we never hooked back up after the strep throat incident, so ... it'll have to happen this summer.

i'm sure you don't know this, but you impacted my impression of people in general so much... you basically were the basis of my social philosophy. and this is it in a nutshell:

i hate stupid people. i can't tolerate people that aren't like me. i've always liked being around you. therefore, i conclude that you're like me. and i'm not superficial. the fact that you REALIZE you feel superficial tells me that you're not.

i know we don't talk much, and i don't necessarily know you well, but i can get a good impression of what a person is like, just by the feeling i get when i'm around them. i get a good feeling around you. slightly morose, and most of the time i'm too nervous to recognize it, but it's a good feeling.

and i'm right there too, with even trying so hard to get up in the morning. and not being able to do it. it sucks ass, hardcore, but it helps to see other people getting through it. i intend to get through it. hopefully that helps you too.

as logically flawed as it may seem to me, i truly believe there's some merit to this "let go and let god" shit. it makes no sense, but it gives me a sense of peace that i can't find anywhere else. and i'd like to try and give you that sense of peace, if i can.

in fact, i want to give it to everybody.

i think i've rambled long enough. sorry about that.

(reply to this)

spud

Re: awwww..., 04-21-05 11:08pm

oh, hey...

keep an eye out on my journal for my open house. i'd love for you to come. i'll actually be having two; one at dad's, one at mom's. you're welcome to either.

just wanted to let you know.

(reply to comment)
mle

Re: awwww..., 04-23-05 10:11pm

yea - the "let god" thing is very calming and assuring. and when i can get it, it's great, but i'm so controlling that it's few and far between. plus my favorite prof here at school constantly preaches how silly faith is and how it's intolerant, impractible, hypocritical, etc... makes it hard to believe, ya know?
and while you have access to some of my most private thoughts and have great insight, i still think i'm superficial...
but i will definitely hit up your open house, whenever it ends up being :)

(reply to comment)

spud

Re: Re: awwww..., 04-25-05 8:23pm


i look at it like religion is intolerant/hypocritical, while faith is a more pure and practible ....er, practice. that's just how i look at it. i can have faith in something bigger than myself that's running the show. and it doesn't mean it had to die on a cross, or be a man with a beard, or be morbidly obese.

anyway, i'm gonna go post my open house info right now, so check it out when you get a chance.

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