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mudpiegrl (profile) wrote,
on 10-18-2005 at 12:49pm
Petra was just here. she thinks knows am mad at my mum. quite understandably, i think. Day after day, watching overlapping line ups with litanical commercials in between on every station, she sits. There is no mother in a creature that does that. I've accepted it though. Life is happy for me right now, but I suppose that's selfish. But that's the reason I'm not doing anything like Petra wants. I can't give up, though. Everyone has given up on her; I guess that urge goes along with wanting to be different. I pity people who have been left behind and collect the wrappings they leave upon discovering themselves.

I found out that I need someone to put me back on track every five years or so. Shaun did it back in third grade; Christine in seventh and eighth; Justin now. The people that I look up to. I understand what Justin says about needing to something for someone. I like to protect everyone and teach them if I can. I strive to understand, but understanding does not come from watching, but from being. Therein lies my camoflaging skills, which really aren't all that great. That's why, when I hang out with someone for a while, their style and ideas rub off on me, as they do anyone. But from those things, I begin to understand.

Petra thinks I'm troubled, wounded. Everyone has been wounded, only they heal up and become scars. I think mine has a thin layer of skin on it because right now, I'm comfortable with the fact that my mother is an alcoholic. I'm sure if something happened, it would hurt once again though. I hadn't thought about it in a while, but she sort of made me think. She went so far as to say that even my dad is an alcoholic. You'd think Tyler would be cautious, having such a history. But he isn't which is probably more of a worry to me than my mum's health.

It seems like something that should be buried because of it's recent death, but it's always got a finger poking up in the new ground. I don't think I'll ever be able to bury it, but then again, that's what's made me who I am, so why would I want to?
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sweetyas

Petra, 10-19-05 1:33am

I think that is a beautiful name. Petra is also a place in Jordan which is absolutely gorgeous (they shot indiana jones there i think). I believe there is a point when u have to give up on people/parents. But i think ur so strong for not giving up on ur mum unlike me who just give up on her family. Ur strong.

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